Japanese parents.

[Damicci]

Most of you probably kno wmy situation. Well me and my girlfriend want to be together of course. Now it has gotten to a point where I miss her so much I want her to move here. So she wants to move here in Spetember. It is quite soon which did not give her family alot of time to adapt to this decision. Well I found out her mom doesn't want her to come to the US. Completely understandable. If I had the choice I would find means to go to Japan but I can't since my son is here. Nor do I have a degree to find a job. Yeah I work IT and have decent amount of Experience I don't see that as being enough. We love each other will probably marry later. But I want to formally meet her parents and let them see who I am.

Our decision to be together in the US I think is going to point quite stitch in the winning the parents over process. I mean I am basically taking thier little girl from them, and I am not Japanese. I am sure what I need or have to do and I have no 2nd thoughts about her coming if anything I only worry whether or not she'll truly be happy here. Without the support of her friends and family. My friends have met her and think she is awesome. So I am sure she will have support there but I know she will miss her family and I worry that maybe they will become so upset that they may decide to not speak to her. I doubt that would happen but still is a possibility.

If she comes here we would stay til about november when her tourist visa would come close to expiring then go to her home town to meet her parents. Return here and with hopefully the blessing of from her dad marry next february and get her started on the visa process. I am starting think that maybe we should hold off on this decision til after I meet her parents but I miss her ridiculously. By September we'll have known each other for over a year and by next February it will have been probably over a 1 1/2 years. @_@

thoughts?
I am aware there may be some harsh replies but thats fine. I have thought alot about Bi-cultural relationships and marriage. I have thought about her adaption to America. I have thought so much about this, that I stressed out and got headaches and muscle aches. I still have several months to to continue to think about it.

 

[Pachipro]

Having been through this myself, and knowing a few others with Japanese wives, I hope I can add something.

First of all, make sure it is she who wants to come here under her own free will without feeling pressure from you that she must come or risk losing you. If she is pressured and then doesn't enjoy living here she may blame you later on and the relationship may deteriorate.

It is understandable that her mom doesn't want her to move away. Neither did my wife's parents as she is an only child. But they allowed their daughter to do as she saw fit AFTER getting to know me. Besides we were together for more than 4 years before getting married. At first her father would have nothing to do with me, but in the end we became the best of friends. I also promised her parents that I would bring her back to Japan at least once a year. I compared it to us living in the other end of Japan where we would only be able to visit them once or twice a year anyway. Whether that helped or not I don't know.

The parents of the wife of one friend have completely disowned their daughter and basically have had nothing to do with her for more than 20 years. But she didn't care as she feels more for her husband than her family and children.

The parents of a couple of other wives of friends just tolerate it although they aren't happy with it and yet others accept it. It's all a case by case situation.

My suggestion would be to go there and meet the parents first and get a feel as to their feelings about this. Since your Japanese is good they should at least be impressed that you know the language. That's a big first step.

Do not worry about having a degree in order to live and work in Japan as, if you marry, you will be eligible for a spouse visa which will enable you to work freely in Japan. For the most part a degree is only important in getting a working visa when the company hiring you has to sponsor you. You will still be able to find work teaching and such as I know two people still living and working in Japan for more than 20 years and they don't have degrees. Both teach English though.

Also, do you have custody of your son? If you do then I can understand your dilemma about not being able to live in Japan. But there are international schools. And you could always go and live and work in Japan after your son turns 18. Just a thought.

In a worst case scenario, I dated a woman for more than a year and we became really serious about getting married and all. Finally it was time to meet the parents. I thought it went off well, but the next day she calls me in tears and says she cannot see me again because her father forbids it. She followed what her parents ordered her to do rather than what she felt in her heart. I didn't understand it at the time, but I finally accepted it. She never did see me again and I was a basket case for a few weeks after that.

What if her parents are totally against it after meeting you? Will she follow what they order her to do? Will she be disowned and, if so, how will she feel about it if it comes to that? How many other siblings in the family? Is she the youngest? Oldest? Or in the middle?

Her father will probably have alot of questions for you such as your work, income, where you live, will she be able to come back to Japan to visit on a regular basis, etc. Having a son from a previous relationship will also be tough for them to handle, so be ready for it. Especially if they ask you why you cannot live in Japan and that is your reason.

I don't know how it will turn out for you Damicci, but I wish you luck and I do suggest that you go and meet the parents before getting married in order to know exactly how they feel. As I said before, it's a case by case basis and no one can actually predict how one's parents will react.

I'm sure others with Japanese wives will be able to give you some input here also. Good luck.

 

[ArmandV]

Man, you have a lot of hurdles to jump. But I would put off any planning until after you've met the parents. It may go smoothly, it may not. How close is she to her parents? Does she have any siblings? If so, have you met them? Does her parents already know about you? If not, why not? How far have you gone education-wise? Would it take you over 3 years to get a B.A.? (This is in case you have to move to Japan.)

 

[Damicci]

She has a younger sister that I met. And she really seem to enjoy meeting me. She sent me a email expressing why she is opposed to Rieko coming here but would prefer us to wait. She would like to have me as a brother (no pun intended). So her sister can vouch for my character but that I know is not enough. So thats why I want to meet her parents before hand. But even if we change our plans. This incident may have worsened my chances.

I am not sure what she would do if her parents say "OH HELL NO YOUR NOT SEEING HIM ANYMORE!" I think she may decide to not come to the us but still want to maintain a long distance relationship to continue to work them over. I honestly don't know, and not a fan of hypothesizing.

 

[ArmandV]

Dear Abby I'm not, but...

She has a younger sister that I met. And she really seem to enjoy meeting me. She sent me a email expressing why she is opposed to Rieko coming here but would prefer us to wait. She would like to have me as a brother (no pun intended). So her sister can vouch for my character but that I know is not enough. So thats why I want to meet her parents before hand. But even if we change our plans. This incident may have worsened my chances.

I am not sure what she would do if her parents say "OH HELL NO YOUR NOT SEEING HIM ANYMORE!" I think she may decide to not come to the us but still want to maintain a long distance relationship to continue to work them over. I honestly don't know, and not a fan of hypothesizing.

I would recommend that you and Rieko get together sometime and have a real heart-to-heart talk. You really need to know what she wants before making any serious plans. You sound very unsure of her. It is better to find out first before you go through a lot of potential stress.

You say you've known her for about one to one and a half years. But you have to ask yourself a question, "How well do I REALLY know her?" I've known a J-lady for almost 2 years, yet I really don't know her all that well. It is weird since she's in Japan and I'm in California. We email each other and talk on the phone. I met her briefly in Tokyo last April and had a good time, but there was a distance there. Granted, this was the first time we've seen each other in a year and a half since we met, so I wasn't expecting miracles. And since then we haven't communicated all that much. In fact, I detect some coldness. It could be my imagination or it may not be. I'll just wait to see how it plays out. Long distance relationships are a pain the ***.

You'd better find out if she would obey her parents if they forbid her seeing you. You don't need to go through what Pachipro went through. The bottom line in all of this is: both of you need to be in agreement and on the same page before you make a move.

 

[Damicci]

She wants to live here no matter what. I but I can only go off of how she acts and what she tells me. All signs point to yes. But majorly the issue at hand is what to do about her parents. I am sure by now the father knows that she wants to move to america and is definately not happy about it. Also she just told me after talking to her a few hours ago that I should not tell them about my son are it will complicate matters more. I don't know what to think of this. I said I think they should know everything and she has told them as much about me as they could ask for except that I have a son. We are thinking of postponing her trip here til I meet her parents then she wants to return to america with me.

When we first met it was like we had known each other for a long time. We talked so often on Web cam and EVERYDAY regularly that seeing her in person was great but the feeling of being with her was not being with someone I hadn't met before. It felt natural.There was a thin layer of ice but that quickly melted. No breakage required. All I know she wants to be with me as much as I with her. Not much more talking to her will clarify this.

 

[Damicci]

Update

So she talked with her parents. The dad seem to realize she is a grown woman and has preference on which she chooses to do. But she tell sme that he would like to meet me also to probably get a better idea on what kind of person I am.
I just have to figure out how to win over the mom b/c she seems to most against us being together.

 

[ArmandV]

So she talked with her parents. The dad seem to realize she is a grown woman and has preference on which she chooses to do. But she tell sme that he would like to meet me also to probably get a better idea on what kind of person I am.
I just have to figure out how to win over the mom b/c she seems to most against us being together.

Men, even Japanese men, would probably be more practical over the situation. He's probably figuring, "If she marries the American, he should have enough money to take care of me in my old age." Just kidding!

Mom, on the other hand, is a whole different ballgame. When you meet her, you'll need to turn on the charm high-beams!

 

[epigene]

So she talked with her parents. The dad seem to realize she is a grown woman and has preference on which she chooses to do. But she tell sme that he would like to meet me also to probably get a better idea on what kind of person I am.
I just have to figure out how to win over the mom b/c she seems to most against us being together.

Actually, I find it strange because it's usually the mother who makes friends with the daughter's bf or prospective son-in-law first. Dads usually try to find faults with the guy extensively and commonly succumb after the first baby arrives. (The same happened to many of my friends--not me because my dad was already out of the picture.)

I don't want to discourage you, but I think you shouldn't be too elated by the news, especially because they don't know about your son. ☝

 

[ghettocities]

I've seen your myspace, if one fish bites in a lake of fish then throw that one fish on your one dish.

Josh

 

[Damicci]

Well I am not too excited. I know they will still have thier doubts about me which is why I am trying my hardest to better develop my comprehension skills so I can talk openly with them. I don't think it will be any easier b/c she tell sme her dad is interested to meet me. I know i still have to show them I am worthy of thier daughter.

 

[ArmandV]

Well I am not too excited. I know they will still have thier doubts about me which is why I am trying my hardest to better develop my comprehension skills so I can talk openly with them. I don't think it will be any easier b/c she tell sme her dad is interested to meet me. I know i still have to show them I am worthy of thier daughter.

Just remember the Shepard's Prayer*: "Lord, don't let me **** up!"






*Astronaut Alan Shepard.

 

[MajideSaiaku]

I see meeting the parents like a bungie jump, either the cord will snap, or it will hold and you will have the most fun ever, and your **** scared for sure, but you can probably assume the cord will hold.

Just take the jump.

 

[Damicci]

Pfft I am still looking at the platform. はぁ～
Now I find out her family is a littl eon edge because the grandmother is sick.
I am like "what! Now you tell me this?! Is this really a good time to be meeting your family when your grandfather father and mother will all be there? I am going to die" She just laughed and tol dme don't worry about it "Only my mom was irritated today" O_O The light is at the FAAAAAR end of the tuneel is dimming. :_:

 

[ArmandV]

Pfft I am still looking at the platform. はぁ～
Now I find out her family is a littl eon edge because the grandmother is sick.
I am like "what! Now you tell me this?! Is this really a good time to be meeting your family when your grandfather father and mother will all be there? I am going to die" She just laughed and tol dme don't worry about it "Only my mom was irritated today" O_O The light is at the FAAAAAR end of the tuneel is dimming. :_:

Just don't act like Steve Urkel and you'll be fine.

 

[epigene]

Just don't act like Steve Urkel and you'll be fine.

My apologies for veering off topic, but who's Steve Urkel, Armand-san?

(I didn't want to go all the way to Kyoko_desu's thread about English expressions--just a quick question... )

@Damicci
If your girlfriend says it's OK, you'll just have to take it at that and get on with what you're doing right now! Ganbattene!

 

[Han Chan]

My personal experience was that I was approved by my in-laws without meeting them - they simply trusted that their daughter knew what she was dooing. However, I know of other foreigners who had some problems with their in-laws. One tried to make a joke while formally asking for her hand! That was a great mistake! However after a few years they developed good relations. I would suggest that you continously should take your girlfriends advise very serious. Try to show that you respect your in-laws by beeing the perfect son-in-law, very polite, do not interrupt etc.......later I am sure that you will be accepted as a part of the family and you will be able to relax totally.

If you really love her I am sure that you will overcome any obstacles - so - cheer up!

 

[ArmandV]

My apologies for veering off topic, but who's Steve Urkel, Armand-san?

 

[epigene]

Wow... it hit me right in the face, when I clicked the "Go to last post" button!

Thanks anyway, and sorry again for going OT, Damicci!

 

[Damicci]

It's ok, to make up for it I will pick your brain. （Not literally)
If this was your daughter what kind of questions would you ask me?

 

[DoctorP]

It's ok, to make up for it I will pick your brain.ﾂ ﾂ（Not literally)
If this was your daughter what kind of questions would you ask me?

My daughter?? I'd ask a lot of the boring stuff like:

I'd ask you what type of work you do

what do you hope to do

did you go to school (college)

what did you study

what are your hobbies (besides my daughter)

are you sleeping with my daughter (to see your reaction)

and many more...

 

[ArmandV]

It's ok, to make up for it I will pick your brain. （Not literally)
If this was your daughter what kind of questions would you ask me?

Here's my handy-dandy application for guys who want to date my daughter:

Application for permission to date my daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by
a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current
medical
report from your doctor.
1. NAME_______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH____________
2. HEIGHT:__________ WEIGHT:__________ I.Q. _________
G.P.A._________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________ DRIVER'S LICENSE # __________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK ____________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE_______ ZIP_____
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?_________________
7. Number of years parents married: ______________
8. Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?____ A
waterbed?______
9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to
you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend? ________________________ How often?
___________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother,
and priest?
______
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely - all
answers are
confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-promise).
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be
wounded is
________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is
_____________
C. A woman's place is in the _________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
___________
E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
________
(NOTE: If answer E begins with a T or A, discontinue and leave
premises; keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is
advised).
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________
16. Do you have any holes in your body other than the ones God
graced you with and if so, how many? _______________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST
OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
__________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, *****)

 

[Damicci]

My daughter?? I'd ask a lot of the boring stuff like:
I'd ask you what type of work you do
what do you hope to do
did you go to school (college)
what did you study
what are your hobbies (besides my daughter)
are you sleeping with my daughter (to see your reaction)
and many more...

You guys are killing me......I hope they don't ask if we are sleeping together. Of course I could just say no since we literally are not.

 

[ArmandV]

Oh, sh-t!

You guys are killing me......I hope they don't ask if we are sleeping together. Of course I could just say no since we literally are not.

What would you do if papa-san rolls out a polygraph machine?

You know how the Japanese love gadgets!

 

[DoctorP]

Application for permission to date my daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by
a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current
medical
report from your doctor.
1. NAME Bubba DATE OF BIRTH 9 months after daddy knocked up momma!2. HEIGHT: tall WEIGHT: for what? I.Q. ??
G.P.A. KFC
3. SOCIAL SECURITY#123456789 DRIVER'S LICENSE # suspended
4. BOY SCOUT RANK Eagle
5. HOME ADDRESS county road 4, 1st house on left, just past Johnson's farm CITY/STATE Podunk, KY ZIP 22222
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? You mean at least one? I have 3 Daddy's a momma and an internet momma my 2nd daddy married from Kabekistan!
7. Number of years parents married: all total? 12 but not to each other.
8. Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?____ A
waterbed?______ I own a van with oversized tires with a waterbed inside!
9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

means that damn thing broke again or your daughter sucks at math!
10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to
you?
Don't get caught and don't make her late!

11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

Is that one of them boy bands?

12. Church you attend? 1st Babtist How often? Every Christmas

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother,
and priest?
all together? My momma don't like my daddy!
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely - all
answers are
confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-promise).
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be
wounded is
my johnson

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is
funny bone
C. A woman's place is in the bedroom or kitchen (was this a trick question?)

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
your daughters tatoo on her butt that we got last week!

E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
Ti.... I mean breasts!
(NOTE: If answer E begins with a T or A, discontinue and leave
premises; keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is
advised).
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? to keep my job as an adult film worker, or A WWE superstar!

16. Do you have any holes in your body other than the ones God
graced you with and if so, how many? Just some buckshot from my last girlfriends daddy

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST
OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
XSignature (that means sign your name, *****)