Japanese dating customs

[CA_Wix]

All,

I have been living in Japan for over a year now

Since I have lived here I have learned a LOT about culture, including my own (through contrasts). I have fallen in love with a beautiful sweet girl. We have been dating for about 10 months now and things are going great. It is by far the most pleasant relationship I have ever been in. We listen to each other and take care of each other.

My concern is with her family. I am American and talk to my parents every week on video chat. My girlfriend has met them this way a few times. She is extremely shy, and I can tell it is a very stressful thing to do for her and I don't pressure her to talk to them. My parents also like her very much. I have never met anyone from her family. I have heard that meeting the parents of a Japanese girl is basically something that is done before marriage. My Japanese is still very much developing, and I am in no way fluent. If I were to meet her parents would a marriage be expected soon after? If things go the way they have been going I'll be proposing to her before my assignment is completed at the end of next year.

I'm wondering through anyone else's experience what is the common way this is done in Japan. She talks about her mom all the time, and I would like to meet her, but don't know if this is really a socially acceptable thing to do.

Thanks,

WiX

 

[RolandtheHeadless]

My knowledge may be decades out of date, but it used to be that a Japanese wouldn't introduce a boy- or girl-friend to her/his parents unless marriage was contemplated. Such introductions were a big deal, and quite formally arranged.

My own wife kind of botched things. She didn't have the nerve to introduce me as a boyfriend or fiance, so introduced me to her family as a "friend." When Okasan found out I was romantically involved with her daughter, I was summarily (and loudly) ejected from the home. She wouldn't speak to me for a while even after we were married.

If I were you, I'd talk to your girl about someday meeting her parents, but not pressure her. She may be uncertain of both your intentions and her parents' reaction. And btw, she's probably uncertain about how to behave, and worried about making a good impression, when she talks to your parents.

 

[Glenski]

It may be a regional thing. Don't push. Let her introduce you in her own sweet time. Perhaps she doesn't even know your true deepest feelings about her yet. When she knows, she will take the appropriate steps.

 

[bakaKanadajin]

I once had a sudden and massive fight with an ex girlfriend (we parted on amicable terms, it wasn't over this, although at the time I wondered if we might because it was a big fight) because she wouldn't let me come to her apartment one night. It wasn't a matter of me staying over or us being alone, we were already past that stage of the relationship such that.. u kno.. it wasn't about 'that'.

It turned out she was very skittish about showing me the place without her having been able to clean up, go out and get tea, snacks and whatever else she felt she should have in the place when entertaining a guest. She was quite proper.

She was also embarrassed because it wasn't such a great place in her opinion and well a whole host of other reasons summed up in the words 嫌だ, (iyada) which is a Japanese girl's way of saying everything from 'no way' to 'how could you expect me to let you into my messy little apartment are you nuts there's no way you're coming in here unannounced use the bathroom at McDonalds'.

So my only point is that formalities are a very big part of Japanese culture and there aren't just certain ways things are done, there's THE way things are done.

So as was mentioned, don't rush it. BUT, do make your feelings known. Another 'formality' Japanese women tend to prefer is when a man clearly states his intentions and feelings for them. They simply hate not knowing what the deal is. Really telling her what you feel and how you see the future may help clear the air a bit if this is becoming some kind of sticking point.

 

[MeAndroo]

I always thought it was if you got introduced to the father, it was a marriage thing. I thought mom was kind of an either way deal. This is not based on my personal experience, but rather what I've heard from friends in relationships with Japanese folks of either sex.

In any case, my current girlfriend has not only introduced me to her mother twice, she sent me her mom's email so she could ask me English questions. Seeing as how we've only been dating about a month, I can't imagine delusions of marriage are in her head yet. When she spends the night at my house, her mom makes us both dinner. Maybe I just stumbled across a progressive family...

 

[CA_Wix]

Thanks all for your input.

I thought I would get an email if there was response, but didn't. That is why I haven't commented since. (very busy with Japanese overtime)

Turns out I met her mom. Didn't pressure at all. We went on vacation during natsu yasumi time and it made sense to pick her up from home (usually she comes to my place by train)

It went well. Only a couple times I didn't completely understand her mom's Japanese (old people not in business I have VERY little experience with their language).

But it went well and things are ok. I am lucky her dad and brother were not home at the time; that would have made the stress 10 fold.

Anyways things have been going very well for us and now she is coming to Detroit during Christmas to meet my half (and probably 100 friends).

If things keep going I'll be with her for the long run.

btw: this is the girl that I posted a long time ago that I met in a club and she wouldn't let me take her out for about 3 months. Shows that patience is important for a foreigner that takes interest in a Japanese girl (a good one anyway). We have talked about that many times since and she wanted to make sure I was a good guy not just an "english teacher looking for sex". I don't blame her after all I met her in a club.

Thanks again all, and cheers!

Carl