houseguest hijacker - go home!

[Goldiegirl]

I have a dear friend who I am so angry and frustrated with that I am afraid our friendship is on the verge of breakdown. Jenny, and I have been friends for over 10 years. She is 20 years my senior.

Ok, so here is the problem. She is hijacking my house for days on end. I invite her to lunch and then she stays for dinner and then she can't drive home because she has night blindness. Then she stays the next day as well. I want her out. I hint to her that she needs to go home and take care of her cat, or that it's getting dark so she better get going. Jenny just doesn't get it. I want to have her over for dinner, but I do want her to GO HOME. Along with not leaving, she cleans my house. My house is clean, she just rearranges my stuff. I can't find anything after she leaves. She uses my good bath towels to clean and now they are all bleach spotted. She feeds my animals food I don't want them to have. She even gave one of my dogs one of her pain killers! Oh, here's a big one that really got me aggravated. She took care of my cats while we were in Japan. I gave her my house key. She informed me that she made a copy for herself - "just in case". Just in case what! Now I feel that she can just "pop" in anytime she wants to.

So I want to tell her that she is welcome when I invite her, but there has to be a time limit. I just don't know how to do that in a way that won't hurt her feelings. She has no family, so I don't want to make her feel alienated or isolated. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this situation in a graceful way. I am afraid that right now I am so angry that I don't have any grace left:crab:

 

[Tokis-Phoenix]

Well...IMHO you're just going to have to talk to her about this- there's no way around it, you've already tried dropping plenty of hints at your displeasure of her making herself far too at home in your home, and it was completely unacceptable of her to make a copy of your house keys- i mean, what if she looses them or has them stolen off her, some stranger could then just open up your house and let themselves in, you would need to get all the locks changed on your house etc which would be a great expense that you would have to pay for.
The key thing is just completely unacceptable in particular in my opinion- i would be very unhappy if one of my friends made a copy of my house keys just as much as i would be very unhappy if they made a copy of my car keys and just helped themself to my car whenever they felt like it etc.

Either your friend is really incapable of understanding the way you feel about the situation despite you dropping hints about it, or she does know that you're unhappy about the situation but doesn't really prioritize/respect your feelings that much over what she wants. She needs to respect your personal space, your belongings and your feelings far more.

Another thing which i think is really bad is her feeding your animals even though you don't want her too- her giving your dog painkillers, and i assume they were painkillers designed for humans too, could have been very bad indeed, the dog could have ended up sick because of her stupid actions. No one is allowed to feed my pets without my permission on what they can feed them and how much and when etc. I mean, what if you had a baby- would she then start feeding your child without your permission? It needs to stop!


IMHO, you're just going to have to raise your issues with her about this sort of stuff, there's no way around it. But of course you should only raise these issues with her when you are in a calm state of mind and have thought over a lot on what exactly you're going to say to her and how etc.
As long as your friend isn't wrong in the head, she should understand these basic concepts of respecting other people's personal space, property, belongings and pets etc. You should try to stop feeling emotionally blackmailed in all of this- yes, its all very sad that this friend has no family and stuff, but at the end of the day you're not her mother and you shouldn't have to put up with this kind of disrespectful behavior from your friend, whether your friend is being intentionally disrespectful or not, at the end of the day she's still treating you and your things in a disrespectful way etc. If your friend is intelligent and a good friend, onvce you've explained your concerns to her she'll understand and respect your concerns and start to give you more space and respect your possessions and stuff more etc .

 

[Goldiegirl]

Yeah, I know I am going to have to be more direct. Sometimes when I am direct I come off as "b*tchy" or mean. I have this need to not hurt her feelings, and yet she does hurt mine. I hate that I feel such anger to her and that makes me feel bad. And you are very right, now is not the time to say anything because I am irritated, frustrated, agitated and thoroughly annoyed.

Would it be wrong to think that she does something nice for me, and then uses that as an excuse to overstay her welcome, make copy of my keys, etc. because she feels entitled? I harbor a gut feeling or suspicion that she really thinks that way. It's like when she does something for me it's not necessarily "free", that I there is some payback required....maybe I am just over-thinking now.

Yes, the painkiller was Oxycodone, and it was hers!

 

[Tokis-Phoenix]

Yeah, I know I am going to have to be more direct. Sometimes when I am direct I come off as "b*tchy" or mean. I have this need to not hurt her feelings, and yet she does hurt mine. I hate that I feel such anger to her and that makes me feel bad. And you are very right, now is not the time to say anything because I am irritated, frustrated, agitated and thoroughly annoyed.

Would it be wrong to think that she does something nice for me, and then uses that as an excuse to overstay her welcome, make copy of my keys, etc. because she feels entitled? I harbor a gut feeling or suspicion that she really thinks that way. It's like when she does something for me it's not necessarily "free", that I there is some payback required....maybe I am just over-thinking now.

Yes, the painkiller was Oxycodone, and it was hers!

Hmm...It is a difficult situation to deal with, you feel quite emotionally blackmailed by all of this yes? Like on the one hand, its nice that she's doing these generous things for you (even if you don't want her to do this sort of stuff), and you don't want to seem like you don't appreciate her kind intentions at their basic level/in essence, but on the other hand you really just don't want these sorts of favors from her at all the time and you don't want to feel like you are in her debt all the time or owe her favors in return either but you also are afraid of offending or hurting her feelings if you tell her she needs to stop doing some of these things etc?

Hm, its a tough situation. I dunno if its the best advice or not, but personally i would just speak to her about these things- if you don't, this situation is just going to carry on and could even get worse for you; you need to set some limits down, draw the line somewhere so to speak, otherwise your friend is just going to carry on thinking that her behavior is normal or acceptable etc. Its a shame she doesn't realize this kind of stuff already and that you have to deal with this, but you gotta talk to her about this kind of stuff otherwise you will just end up continuing to stress and suffer in silence with no hope of her behavior ever getting better etc.

 

[Goldiegirl]

I should have had you write part of my post...your 1st paragraph above really hits the nail on the head....

 

[Anohito]

You might think I am too harsh, but I would change all the locks on doors to the outside and not allow this person in the house again until further notice. Making a copy of your key without your permission is by itself sufficient reason to do that, as far as I am concerned. That is a very serious security issue. Trying to medicate your dog without your permission is also, by itself, sufficient reason to do that. She could easily have killed the poor dog! Maybe I am just an old curmudgeon, but the refusal to go home would have made me distance myself from such a person. Maybe she is having personality changes because of age (you don't really say how old she is). Some people become extremely irresponsible when they reached advanced age. It happened to my own mother. Maybe she is taking some sort of medication that has changed her. It seems you are very unwilling to hurt her, but I sincerely believe that you should not trust her any more.

 

[made of stone]

I absolutely agree with Anohito san (great to see you around fella, by the way! )

I would change all the locks without telling her (after all, if she's not already using those keys to get into the house while I'm out, how will she ever know?)

made of security

 

[Anohito]

Thank you made of stone. Managing two Flickr accounts takes up a lot of my free time. However, now that my partner is visiting his sister & brother-in-law in Florida, I have a little extra time.

 

[Goldiegirl]

Anohito, you aren't a curmudgeon. ( that word gave me a laugh! Thanks )Honest and to the point. What you wrote is the truth, I have to change the locks. (you too MOS!) I really hate the fact that I can't trust a friend anymore. Jen is in her late 50's, but she seems older because she has been addicted to prescription pain killers and anti-anxiety drugs. I think part of that has changed her brain. Somehow all common sense is gone. I mean making copies of someone's house keys isn't normal, neither is giving someone else's dog drugs and grapes too! (Grapes are toxic to dogs) I want to have her in my life but there has to be boundaries. It's not that she can't visit, she just has to go home. I don't want her here for days. I don't want her running my dishwasher, scooping the litter pans, taking out the garbage, cleaning my bathrooms, organizing my cupboards, feeding my pets anything without permission, showing up at my door unannounced, and the list goes on. Who goes into another persons house and does all that without permission. The showing up unannounced is just as bad as staying overnight. If I don't want her to come over I have ignored her calls, then she just turns up, "to check on me." Ahhhh.....if I answer and tell her we are busy she still shows up. There is no winning for me on this one, I have to tell her, but I know it will hurt her, which hurts me. I want a win-win solution, but I am afraid I can't find one.....

ps. I feel I have to mention I have a very clean house to begin with. I say that my husband is a neat freak....he just says he's Japanese!

 

[Tokis-Phoenix]

Does your friend have many other friends of her own? What is her own home like?
It sounds like your friend is becoming increasingly dependent on you, perhaps this is because your friend feels lonely/isolated at her own home and/or that she doesn't have many/any other friends in her life, so she is becoming increasingly dependent on you as a source of company and happiness.

After thinking more about this situation, it may not be be best to talk to your friend about these issues you have with her just yet. I would be interested in knowing more on your friends situation, as the solution to your issues with your friend may be best treated in helping your friends problems at her own home.
Perhaps she feels very lonely at her on home (i know she cleans your house a lot, but how does she cope with her own home?), if she is lonely and feeling isolated at her own home and these loneliness/isolation problems of hers can be sorted out, then this may be the best solution for all concerned. If she feels happier with her own life and home environment, then she won't feel the the need to rely on you and seek comfort from you as much, and hopefully your friendship with her can turn back into a more normal and comfortable one .

 

[Goldiegirl]

The sad part is that Jenny is basically alone. She is last member of her family. Her brothers and sisters all died in middle age. She comes from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. Although she herself didn't have a problem with drugs until 8 years ago. Her own house is cluttered and cramped. It is a renovated country school house that she bought in the late 60's and remodeled. I don't think much has been thrown out since the late 60's! She wants us to join the YWCA and take a swimming class. I'd love to, but I haven't brought it up because I know she will use that as a way to come over. That sounds so mean on my part. I would be happy to have her come over just as long as she would go home in a few hours or so. I haven't said anything to her and I have been ducking her phone calls. Just call me chicken!

 

[Tokis-Phoenix]

Maybe you can visit her house and have a spring cleaning day with her and help her get rid of a lot of her clutter- if you guys do a car boot sale, she could make some money out of getting rid of her old clutter too .
A tidy house makes for a more stress-free atmosphere, you can't chill out in a house if all you see is clutter and undone jobs that need to be done around you. She probably also has a lot of objects in the house that are probably full of too many negative or past memories, if she is to move on and feel happier in her life, it would probably be better if she has a tidier, cleaner and more clutter-free house .

Also it may be good to introduce her to some of your friends- if you show her how to socialize and make her feel comfortable around your friends, it should help boost her confidence at socializing and meeting new people and she might be able to make friends with your friends or meet new people on her own .
The swimming classes thing may also be good for this as well, she could use them as a way to socialize and meet new people. If she does get more confidence to socialize and meet new people, then she will probably become less dependent on you .