friend made me feel i'

[ccg]

i'm a chinese gal have a chinese female friend of 9 yrs.she talk about the men he meet n know,but each time,i mention the guys i like,she give this bored uninterested look out of jealousy n also no respect for me as a person.
i've never talk to her in a boasting or arrogant way.in fact,i've never have a boyfriend

 

[ccg]

sorry i hit the wrong key.

she's more outgoing n superior in communicating with new people while i'm quite the opposite.i'm pretty shy.everytime i email her,she wuld reply the next day or so,but if my email contains about "my" guys,she will completely ignore that part.when she ask for my opinions on her love life,i always listen n anwser nicely,but she doesn't wannna talk about mine,cos she doesn't want me to gain confidence.we never had serious quarrels before n the kind of guys we like are really completely different.when we talk about other things,it's ok.when it comes to this sort of topic,she ignore mine.it's like she CAN talk about her guys,while i dont DARE to mention to her about any guys i like.i've few friends n i just wanna share with someone.
i'm not complaining about this here as i chose to continue the friendship with her(one main reason being we get quite along when we talk about some OTHER things),though i'm SICK of her treatment to me on "romance/guys" topic.she feels it's impossible a opp sex will fall for me.it's like "am i really not worthy of any guys liking or being good to me because i'm more quiet n shy?" i just couldn;t help feeling lousy about myself.it can get so low i cannot carry on anymore.
here,i just wanna ask what do u think of people like her,and anyone have similar experiences to share with?

 

[Brooker]

Maybe you should just avoid that topic with her and discuss such things with other friends. Friends don't always see eye-to-eye on all subjects.

 

[Keiichi]

Yeah, find a different friend to talk about that stuff. I'm sure there are lots of other gals that you can get along with just talking about that.

Keiichi

 

[ccg]

but isn't it mean of her to see me this way while she can continue talking about such stuffs of her to me?
can you be friends with someone who thinks you deserve less happiness,who secretly looks down on you?

 

[lexico]

Being friends means being on equal terms.
If you believe that she ignores what you want to talk about, you SHOULD do the same without either feeling guilty or angry.
There is no point in maintaining a friendship if it only helps that person to feel superior. That's exploitation, not true friendship.

Have you ever confronted her with your complaint ?

Depending on what she says; you might consider her an "acquaintance" to chit-chat, but maybe not a "friend.

You really need to know why she acts that way before making any decision.
Maybe she feels insecure...always wanting to get your approval/admiration, but not confident/mature enough to give out. Friends should not have such a problem for a long time. These are just my thoughts.

 

[Mycernius]

She sounds a bit selfish to me. You say you get on with her with other subjects, then I suggest you avoid the topic of romance. I think she wants to dominate you about boys and romance. I think it is a Lexico san said she wants to feel superior in this subject. She feels she has more experience than you, because you mentioned that you are more shy and retiring than she is, so any input you have wouldn't interest her. A true friend would listen more to you and would value your input to any conversation. Once again, in the words of lexico san, "acquaintance to chit chat, but maybe not a friend". I'm sure you have better friends to talk about relationships than just this one girl

 

[Index]

It's good that you have other things to talk to her about, but if she respected you as a friend she would be considerate of your needs and listen to you. It's easy to talk, but good friends also listen. Friendship involves giving as well as taking, but your friend doesn't seem to realize this.

Alternatively there could be another reason for her reluctance to talk.

From my experience, it's a good idea to bring up these problems with your friend to avoid miscommunication, if you value the relationship.

 

[dreamer]

hum...yes everyone's right...your friend is either selfish or...she has been lying to you about her "guys" and never had one...
anyway yes it's easy to find friends who would listen to you and let you compare their point of view...
Actually each time some girl dragged me in a discussion group (aka pajama party) they always end up talking about either boys or err...sex...(who said girls were shy about it?).
Still I'd also advise to avoid this subject with her. Like french people say: "we only have what we are worth".
so give her the same treatment you've been given...

 

[RockLee]

they always end up talking about either boys or err...sex...(who said girls were shy about it?)

Ermm....I had my fair share of finding out MORE than I wanted to know on several occasions.... ☝

Maybe she is just so full of herself that she doesn't really cares about other peoples feelings, you should mention this maybe, so she snaps out of the dreamworld she's living in and say you don't like it how she treats you ☝

 

[Utsuki]

but if my email contains about "my" guys,she will completely ignore that part.when she ask for my opinions on her love life,i always listen n anwser nicely,but she doesn't wannna talk about mine

Hey ccg, I also encounter with this problem with one of my best mate. She is always not so friendly in helping me solving this kind of problem, or other emotional problem like me getting neglected by my mom, I feel sad too, hahaha. You know, when she wants me to help and give her advice in guy problem, she just asks so much and I give her evry great advices I had. But when it comes to mine, like the Italian guy problem, she didn't comfort me more than 2 phone messages and I felt so angry! And she said she talked to him once on the MSN and she thought he was not that nice. But she didn't tell me she chatted with him before this!!! ****! But after all, you can always count on people in the Jref Forum, they help me get through this recent problem and I feel really grateful!

 

[TwistedMac]

hm... girly talk... "this person annoys me. please agree that she is horrible"-talk.. Why don't you just do something about it instead of only trying to find people that will agree with you? I'll leave now.

 

[dreamer]

Well It's hard to change your habits ^_^
But by getting to know more people you'll change little by little...
It's normal to try to find someone who'd agree with you first when you feel something's wrong. Just give them time ^.^

 

[Damicci]

I hope your from the "slap a ho" tribe caus eyou need to "slap da ho".
I think you should confront her about how you feel after having those conversation. If you guys are good friends then should be no reason to avoid any subject matter. If she is truly a friend she'll understand your concern and you guys should be able to hold a legitimate discussion on why she feels the need to put you down when the topic of love and relationships comes up.

 

[ccg]

dear twistedmac,if people like me annoy u so much n u sound like a very capable person,why bother to spent your precious time to reply n make it known your point then end with "i'll leave now"?people like me is of totally no interest to u n u should learn to just post to only topics u have positive inetrest for.

about the topic,sometimes some people wanna treat u bad "knowingly".u don't go ask them "why did u wanna treat me this way,"why do u wanna hurt me?".......
samaritans uk told me 'DON'T TORTURE YOURSELF ANYMORE BY ASKING YOURSELF OR THEM WHY THEY WANNA DO THESE TOU U?'
i had come to a decision,end the friendship with her.

 

[Index]

Don't worry about TwistedMac, he's a trouble maker

Ending a friendship is quite sad and drastic. You could still continue being friends with her, just under different conditions. She might be a different kind of friend that you expected.

 

[ccg]

oops i got a bit more to say to twistedmac
i'm exactly doing something by writing it here,but not doing NOTHING ELSE other than talking it here.
why don't u go straight to the moderators to stop people like me from coming to such places n say irritating stuffs to irritate other good members like u?
u don't feel good after seeing some positive responses to my topic.if u truly is a mature n capable person,such stuffs really wouldn't bother u AT ALL n u wouldn't feel the need in you to reply.
people like me annoy u,just like people like u (who love to talk n act in this manner) annoys me as much.finished.i'll stop talking to ya.

we are "together" for many yrs.she calls me n talk nicely when she wants me to do something for her.otherwise,she might not call me even on weekends n public holidays. i should come to terms now we've become like"acquintances" now rather than Friends despite knowing each other for very long.sometimes after i've helped her done something(she approached me first),she would feel secretly "resentful" n didn't call me after that.another time when we were out eating,she give me an awful mean look when i'm eating as if i look VERY UGLY when eating such that i actually feel conscious eating in public after that.I decided i'm tired of her blowing hot n cold to me out of her own jealousy n pettiness n let her attitude reflect on me as if it's my fault time n time again.

 

[Damicci]

These topics make me wonder, if the person on the giving end of a bad friendship thinks of it as more of an aquaintance than a friendship. I believe alot of people confuse the 2.

 

[Index]

These topics make me wonder, if the person on the giving end of a bad friendship thinks of it as more of an aquaintance than a friendship. I believe alot of people confuse the 2.

Good point. Has happened to me before.

 

[TwistedMac]

don't worry, my time is not very precious.

Why would I go to a moderator? you're not doing anything wrong? I was just expressing an opinion.

But you broke off the relationship? good on you. Guess I was wrong.

 

[miu]

hm... girly talk... "this person annoys me. please agree that she is horrible"-talk.. Why don't you just do something about it instead of only trying to find people that will agree with you?

When I talk with my best friend about things that annoy me (guys or other things), I'm exactly like that! It's not always about doing something about it, it's therapy! And I like complaining a lot... It's so therapeutic When you talk about stuff, it's not so much about finding some ultimate solution - it's about getting things out of your system so you can realize them better yourself and then maybe get some feedback form someone else.

But as for ccg's situation, I do agree that she's being quite selfish. I admit that I can sometimes not listen to people when they're talking ( ) but I pay full attention when someone important to me is talking. If you think the situation can't be solved, you can just not talk about guys with her. She'll get mad at you but you can say "If you don't listen to me, I don't have to listen to you." - a friendship should work on equal terms, right? Sometimes you might have to listen to the other person's problems a lot but when you're having a tough time, your friend should be there for you as well.

I think you knwo this yourself, too, but if she makes you feel bad all the time, she's not being a good friend. She's just using you to feel better about herself - don't hang on to someone who doesn't really care about you and find someone who's actually worth spending time with.