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BBuu

後輩
27 May 2011
15
1
13
Hey guys! today I'm not coming with my own request but a request by my relative. She attempted to write this Haiku poem and asked me if I know anyone fluent or near fluent in Japanese who can help her and give her tips to improve so I thought about asking here on this lovely forum. First of all she wanted feedback on her japanese, and secondly her poetry form. Any of them (or both) will be appreciated.

愉快夫婦
柔らかい空
白い花

Thank you everyone for your help 🙏
 
Too many syllables in the first line and the な adjective seems a bit awkward without the な
 
Plus, what meaning is she trying to convey by 愉快? The nuance of 愉快 seems to be different from what she wanted to say.
 
Thanks for the feedback!
with 愉快 she tried to express some sort of merry, can you suggest a better word please?
 
Thanks for the feedback!
with 愉快 she tried to express some sort of merry, can you suggest a better word please?

If she insists of using 夫婦 (ふうふ), that's three syllables gone already. That leaves only two syllables for an adjective, which is extremely limiting.

I would suggest moving 空 to the first line, that leaves three syllables for an adjective (have to change from 柔らかい, though). She would then have four syllables to work with together with 夫婦 in the second line. "Merry" could be expressed by 明るい (あかるい), which is four syllables, so 明るい夫婦 would give a total of seven and fit for the second line.

I don't see how the whole thing ties together, though. But I have never really understood haiku. I like 川柳 (せんりゅう) much better.
 
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