I presume this is an international forum with focus on Japanese culture, and hence I am supposed to able to learn about it without worrying too much about appearing silly. Your long-winded comment sounds to me that you are too culturally insulated of other cultures that are adapted to equate friendliness with doses of profanity. Think of me, if you like, as a child who talks to native for the first time in a real settling. Understand that I presently know very little and guide me on the morality of this great nation, rather than scolding someone so harshly for using inappropriate words in an inappropriate context, since I know very little of this context of which you speak, in the empirical sense in any case. If Mark Twain went to Japan, even if he's fluent in the language, he still needs to learn the context. I doubt the literary quotation you used is analogous to the present case.
I have 10 posts; can't you please be more patient with me?
Now back to the post, head internal relative clauses are real grammatical structures. You guys may not actively use them and therefore thought them unnatural, but these are analyzed by linguists who are also native speakers of Japanese. As I mention in my initial posts, I know these are awkward constructions, and I am not trying to question your authority in your own native language. But given these sentences are grammatical, I just want your prima facie option on which head is more likely to be the direct object.
And Toritoribe-san, all you gave for explaining why 訳がない is inappropriate in this case is that it's unnatural. That doesn't help much as to why exactly it is unnatural. I construct the sentence thus ここに書いて, a gerund, a noun, お前のために, a postposition modifying the gerund. 訳がないだから, an exclamation for the "tsundere effect" with little grammatical function. Why is this not correct?