オーラルテストのスクリプト

tanhql

日本語の学生
Joined
3 Jun 2006
Messages
189
Reaction score
2
日本語のオーラルテストの為にスクリプトを用意しろと先生に言われ ました。スクリプトを直してくれませんか?よろしくお 願いします。

オーラルテストのテーマ:これまで夢中になったことは何ですか。

これまで夢中になった事、というか、今夢中になってい る事は魚を飼う事です(他の事を夢中になった事はない) 。実際に、私が生まれた前に、父は既に魚を飼っていま した。でも、父は一週間に一回か二回魚に餌をやり、一 年間に一回全ての水を換え、ほとんど魚の世話にならな く、「魚は水槽ゃ家を飾る為の物で、ペットじゃない」 と思わんばかりに魚を飼ってきました。

そして、六年前、私は偶然にインターネットで魚の正しい飼い方を読んで、父の魚の飼い方が 間違えたと気付いて、自分で魚を正しく飼うことにしま した。最初はグッピーだけを飼っていましたが、全てのグッピーが死んだ後、汽水魚を飼おうと思って、水槽の塩分濃度 を少し上げて、もとの淡水水槽を汽水水槽に変わりまし た。こうやって、八の字河豚を一匹とナイトゴビーを二匹飼い始めて、今まで飼ってきました。

今一日に一回、一週間に六日色んな餌をやって、一週間 おきに(二週間に一回)水を半分換えます。もとの底面式 フィルターを濾過能力が高い外部式フィルターに取り替えたり、新しいフィルターやポンプによって水温が上がった時、水槽用の冷却ファ ンを買ったりしました。魚達が自分の子ほど世話になる とよく家族に言われます。でもやむを得ません。私の可 愛いペットですもの。

(The things that I had been passionate about, or rather, the only thing I am passionate about till now is fish keeping. Actually, my father had already been keeping fish before I was born. However, my father kept fish as if they were just decorations, and didn't treat them like pets. He fed the fish once or twice a week, changed all the water once a year, and almost didn't take care of them (like how someone would take care of a pet).

Then, six years ago, I came upon articles online regarding the proper way of keeping fish, and realised that my father had been keeping fish the incorrect way, and decided to keep the fish myself the proper way. Initially, I only kept guppy, but when all the guppy died, I wanted to keep brackish water fish, so I raised the salt content of the tank, and changed the tank from a freshwater tank to a brackish water tank. Thus, I began to keep a Figure Eight Puffer and two Knight Gobies, and have kept them till now.

I feed them with a variety of food once a day, six days a week. I change half the tank water once every two weeks. I replaced the undergravel filter with a external canister filter with better filtration power. When the water gets too warm due to the new filter and pumps, I bought an aquarium fan to cool down the tank. My family often say I take care of the fish like they were my own children. But what can I do? They are my pets, after all. )
 
日本語のオーラルテストの為にスクリプトを用意しろと先生に言われました。スクリプトを直してくれませんか?よろしくお願いします。


これまで夢中になった事、というか、今夢中になっている事は魚を飼う事です。
The sentence above does not imply 他の事を夢中になった事はない
If 他の事を夢中になった事はない is a part of your script, then write it in polite form of speech like other sentences.​

実際に、私が生まれた前に、父は既に魚を飼っていました。
Wong use of 実際に = in fact
実際には Used to restate or elaborate what was previously described inaccurately or erroneously
Neither fits well into the sentence, context wise.​

でも、父は一週間に一回か二回魚に餌をやり、一年間に一回全ての水を換え、ほとんど魚の世話にならなく、「魚は水槽ゃ家を飾る為の物で、ペットじゃない」と思わんばかりに魚を飼ってきました。
1)Inconsistent voice.
ほとんど describes your opinion and yet actual examples you listed are described in a neutral tone. Explaining this will take some time and effort, so if you need help on this matter post it in a different threat.

2) ペットじゃない」と思わんばかり
Eyes may be eloquent but never think by itself. In this case, your father's action may talk and describe his opinions but it won't think by itself.

でも、父は一週間に一回か二回魚に餌をやり、一年間に一回全ての水を換えるだけ。それでは、ほとんど魚の世話にならなく、「魚は水槽ゃ家を飾る為の物で、ペットじゃない」といわんばかりに魚を飼ってきました。



そして、六年前、私は偶然にインターネットで魚の正しい飼い方を読んで、父の魚の飼い方が間違えたと気付いて、自分で魚を正しく飼うことにしました。
(父の魚の飼い方)is followed by Ga, so it sounds like the method itself made mistake.
Use 間違い、different meaning


そして、六年前、私は偶然にインターネットで魚の正しい飼い方を読んで、父の魚の飼い方が間違いだったと気付いて、自分で魚を正しく飼うことにしました。​

最初はグッピーだけを飼っていましたが、全てのグッピーが死んだ後、汽水魚を飼おうと思って、水槽の塩分濃度を少し上げて、もとの淡水水槽を汽水水槽に変わりました。こうやって、八の字河豚を一匹とナイトゴビーを二匹飼い始めて、今まで飼ってきました。
もとの淡水水槽を汽水水槽に変わりました
水槽 does not change by itself,
もとの淡水水槽を汽水水槽に変えました。


今一日に一回、一週間に六日色んな餌をやって、一週間おきに(二週間に一回)水を半分換えます。もとの底面式フィルターを濾過能力が高い外部式フィルターに取り替えたり、新しいフィルターやポンプによって水温が上がった時(のため)、水槽用の冷却ファンを買ったりしました。
Without のため、it is a conditional
You did not buy the cooler when the water temperature rose.
You purchased the cooler, just in case it happens.​

魚達が自分の子ほど世話になるとよく家族に言われます。でもやむを得ません。私の可愛いペットですもの。
魚達が自分の子ほど世話になる
Currently it is comparative and the person who takes care of fishes as much as takes care of your children is hidden. And tense is presence, so it sounds like a generic statement which is always true like "A lion is an animal".

魚達が自分の子ほど世話になっている
Now describes current state

魚達を自分の子ほど世話する
Now you are taking care of fishes as much as your take care of your children



As overall, your script is intelligible enough and has good cohesion.

I pointed out your mistakes rather bluntly but don't take it personally, it is just my English skill issue: it gets so much more tiring, by 3 or 4 folds, once I start caring how my words sound like.
 
Last edited:
Thank you very much! But I have a few questions:

Wong use of 実際に = in fact
To restate or elaborate what was previously described inaccurately or erroneously, use 実際には
Neither fits into the sentence in this case.

Can I say 実は、私が生まれた前に、父は既に魚を飼っていました。

でも、父は一週間に一回か二回魚に餌をやり、一年間に一回全ての水を換えるだけ。


Can you rephrase this sentence? Is it 水を換えるだけでした or 水を換えただけです. I'm quite sure a past tense is needed somewhere. Or is this better: 一年間に一回だけ全ての水を換えました

もとの淡水水槽を汽水水槽に変わりました
水槽 does not change by itself,
もとの淡水水槽を汽水水槽に変えました。


Can I say もとの淡水水槽を汽水水槽にしまました

水温が上がった時(のため)、水槽用の冷却ファンを買ったりしました。

Without のため、it is a conditional
You did not buy the cooler when the water temperature rose.
You purchased the cooler, just in case it happens.

Actually, I bought it when the water temperature rose. I didn't expect the water temperature to rise.
Even with ため, wouldn't it be better to used 買っておいた instead: 水温が上がった時のため、水槽用の冷却ファンを買っておいたりしました

魚達が自分の子ほど世話になっている
Now describes current state

魚達を自分の子ほどに世話する
Now you are taking care of fishes as much as your take care of your children


Because I used 言われます, I thought that I had to write in second/third person (世話になる) instead of first person (世話する). So should it be: 魚達が自分の子ほど世話しているとよく家族に言われます
 
Can I say 実は、私が生まれた前に、父は既に魚を飼っていました。
As for 実は, yes, you can use it. But it should be 私が生まれる前に.

Can you rephrase this sentence? Is it 水を換えるだけでした or 水を換えただけです. I'm quite sure a past tense is needed somewhere. Or is this better: 一年間に一回だけ全ての水を換えました
The first one, 水を換えるだけでした is fine. GreenCat-san's one is also fine as a literary expression, though.

Can I say もとの淡水水槽を汽水水槽にしまました
Yes. (of course as しました:))

Because I used 言われます, I thought that I had to write in second/third person (世話になる) instead of first person (世話する). So should it be: 魚達が自分の子ほど世話しているとよく家族に言われます
It should be 魚達を自分の子供(と同じ)ほど/くらい世話している, 自分の子供と同じくらい魚達を世話している. Or you can also say 自分の子供(と同じ)くらい魚達に世話を焼く/焼いている. ほど is not incorrect, but くらい is more commonly used, especially in conversations.

私の可愛いペットですもの。
The sentence final particle もの is used basically by female. I recommend 私の可愛いペットですから。
 
Thank you very much, Toritoribe and GreenCat.
 
The sentence final particle もの is used basically by female. I recommend 私の可愛いペットですから。
だもの feels like the expression of a reason, or more like with women an excuse to get out of responsibility, doesn't it ?? I simply can't help it. What do you expect me to do ? They're my pets after all... 😅
 
だもの feels like the expression of a reason, or more like with women an excuse to get out of responsibility, doesn't it ?? I simply can't help it. What do you expect me to do ? They're my pets after all... 😅

だもの is more often used by female speakers and it means ですから or だから。
This ending is not necessarily gender specific but it is colloquial word ending and carries something emotional or has certain softness about it: I'm male but I might still use it if I see it fit but that won't be the case usually.
Should not be used in formal occasions or by a male speaker without thorough understanding of the word.

Anyway, this is just my wild guess but the word seem to be related to だもん which is used by children or young ladies to imply that an opinion they are expressing is amenable or to express petulant unhappiness; like pouting lips.
As だもん is used in such a way as the above, feminised form, だもの, emphases maturation in contrast to だもん, as well as carrying petulance that だもん has. Thus, だもの does match well with an imagery of a mature female person who knows how to use her own gender as an advantage.

Therefore, what you pointed "だもの feels like the expression of a reason, or more like with women an excuse to get out of responsibility, doesn't it ??"
is not totally off but there are some other usages as well, so I can't it is not exactly on the mark: the ending is almost literary expression nowadays.
 
だもの is more often used by female speakers and it means ですから or だから。
This ending is not necessarily gender specific but it is colloquial word ending and carries something emotional or has certain softness about it: I'm male but I might still use it if I see it fit but that won't be the case usually.
Should not be used in formal occasions or by a male speaker without thorough understanding of the word.

Anyway, this is just my wild guess but the word seem to be related to だもん which is used by children or young ladies to imply that an opinion they are expressing is amenable or to express petulant unhappiness; like pouting lips.
As だもん is used in such a way as the above, feminised form, だもの, emphases maturation in contrast to だもん, as well as carrying petulance that だもん has. Thus, だもの does match well with an imagery of a mature female person who knows how to use her own gender as an advantage.

Therefore, what you pointed "だもの feels like the expression of a reason, or more like with women an excuse to get out of responsibility, doesn't it ??"
is not totally off but there are some other usages as well, so I can't it is not exactly on the mark: the ending is almost literary expression nowadays.
もの and こと the bane of my existence... | Japan Forum
Thanks for another superb backstory and all-embracing explanation. 😅

Now there are examples where もの has a different meaning. I need to re-read this thread as a review exercise with instructions on how to select the correct form. :)
 
It's said that the sentence final particle もの is from the pronoun 物. もん is the contraction of もの, and the nuance is changed from matured-feminine to childlike/friendly as @GreenCat -san pointed out. It's similar to some other euphonic changes.
e.g.
わからない <--> わかんない
なにか <--> なんか
~なので <--> ~なんで
あの時 <--> あん時
 
Back
Top Bottom