Please check my writing

[bonehelm]

Hi everyone, I prepared the following for a presentation about NYC (it only has to be 45 seconds long in speech, and this is enough). I'm concerned about the grammar and diction however, so could you please check over it for me? Thanks.


ニュ―ヨ―ク は アメリカの東海岸にあります。 バ ンク―バ―からニュ―ヨ―ク飛行機と車で行けます。バ ンク―バ―からニュ―ヨ―ク 五時間かかります。

ニュ―ヨ―クには、高い建物がたくさんあります。有名 なエンパイア・ステート・ビルディング や 自由の女神像 や クライスラービル があります。ニュ―ヨ―クの人口は八百万人です。だか ら、ニュ―ヨ―クはアメリカの最大都市です。

写真を見て下さい。これはタイムズスクウェアです。シ ョピングセンタ や 映画館 や レストラン があり ます。

おわりました。


That's what I have so far, can you please check for me if i can improve it? Thanks!

 

[Ashikaga]

Kudos for the good job!

Now, to improve it, would you mind posting what you are trying to say exactly (especially in the first paragraph) in English? We might be able to make it a little bit clearer.

 

[bonehelm]

Kudos for the good job!
Now, to improve it, would you mind posting what you are trying to say exactly (especially in the first paragraph) in English? We might be able to make it a little bit clearer.

Thanks for taking the interest to help me, Ashikaga!

This is what I want to say:

"New York is located on the east coast of America. One can take either the plane or car (drive) to New York from Vancouver. If you fly there, it will take approximately 5 hours.

In New york, there are many very tall buildings. There is the famous Empire state building, the Statue of Liberty, the Chrysler building etc. The population of NYC is 800 million, therefore it is the largest metropolis in America.

Please look at this photograph. This is Times Square. There are shopping centers, theaters and restaurants."

If possible, can you please help me improve it without using too many advanced words and long phrases? Because this is a mini (45 sec) oral presentation, and it's for my high school Japanese class, so if too advanced language is used, the audience wouldn't be very engaged. Thanks a ton man!

 

[Ashikaga]

バンク―バ―からニュ―ヨ―ク飛行機と車で行けます。 バンク―バ―からニュ―ヨ―ク 五時間かかります。

バンクーバーからニューヨークまでは、飛行機か車で行けます（行くことが出来ます ）。
飛行機では、約５時間かかります。

I used か instead of と as the use of と implies that one has to fly, THEN drive to get to NYC. I also omitted "From Vancouver to NYC" bit from the second sentence as it was not necessary.

おわりました。

以上です。would be more appropriate. It basically means "that is all.".

 

[bonehelm]

バンクーバーからニューヨークまでは、飛行機か車で行けます（行くことが出来ます ）。
飛行機では、約５時間かかります。
I used か instead of と as the use of と implies that one has to fly, THEN drive to get to NYC. I also omitted "From Vancouver to NYC" bit from the second sentence as it was not necessary.
以上です。would be more appropriate. It basically means "that is all.".

Thank you so much, Ashikaga-san! That helped a lot, I will learn from what you have done differently than I did. Arigatou Gozaimashita!

 

[Toritoribe]

just one more correction

ニューヨークはアメリカの最大都市です → ニューヨークはアメリカ最大の都市です

 

[bonehelm]

just one more correction

ニューヨークはアメリカの最大都市です → ニューヨークはアメリカ最大の都市です

Arigatou, Toritoribe-san!