My first out-of-class (short) paragraph

[comorbid]

Here's what I'm wanting to say:

I want to buy a new cell phone, but I'm waiting for Halloween, because I'll have more money.* So, this Sunday,** I'll go to goth night. Should I rush a costume?​

Here's what I came up with:

私は新携帯電話を買うことを望む。でも、ハロウイーンを待たなければ、もっとお金が在るからでしょう。そう、この日曜日、ゴシックの夜に行きましょう。衣裳を急ぎましょうか。​

Does it look like I'm getting the hang of this at all?

* I get paid at the end of the month (which is always Halloween in October, of course)
** As in tonight - it was saturday when I started trying to translate it... ^_^;

 

[nhk9]

>私は新携帯電話を買うことを望む。でも、ハロウイーンを待たなければ、もっとお金が在るからでしょう。そ う、この日曜日、ゴシックの夜に行きましょう。衣裳を 急ぎましょうか。
I think it's a fairly good try. Is this for homework or just for casual conversation. Anyway, here's my take on it:
-For "shin", you might want to use "atarashii" or "arata na".
-If you want to use "kara", generally the style is like this: "nazeka to iu to... kara" or "...no ha, ... kara".
-the mashou volitional form expresses "will", ie LET'S go to goth night. If you just want the future tense, you may want to use "iku darou"

 

[Elizabeth]

Here's what I'm wanting to say:

I want to buy a new cell phone, but I'm waiting for Halloween, because I'll have more money.* So, this Sunday,** I'll go to goth night. Should I rush a costume?​

Here's what I came up with:

私は新携帯電話を買うことを望む。でも、ハロウイーンを待たなければ、もっとお金が在るからでしょう。そう、この日曜日、ゴシックの夜に行きましょう。衣裳を急ぎましょうか。​

Does it look like I'm getting the hang of this at all?
* I get paid at the end of the month (which is always Halloween in October, of course)
** As in tonight - it was Saturday when I started trying to translate it... ^_^;

買うことを望む。ーー＞買いたいです。

待たなければ、is if you don't wait... I am waiting is でも、ハロウイーンを待っています。It needs to be a separate sentence. Or you can make it もっとお金が在るから、
ハロウイーンを待っています。 Or ハロウイーンを待っているのは、 もっとお金が在るからでしょう。

I'm not sure about "rushing" a costume -- 急ぎましょう doesn't make sense, but
what does that even mean in English ?

 

[comorbid]

>私は新携帯電話を買うことを望む。でも、ハロウイーンを待たなければ、もっとお金が在るからでしょう。そ う、この日曜日、ゴシックの夜に行きましょう。衣裳を 急ぎましょうか。
I think it's a fairly good try. Is this for homework or just for casual conversation. Anyway, here's my take on it:
-For "shin", you might want to use "atarashii" or "arata na".
-If you want to use "kara", generally the style is like this: "nazeka to iu to... kara" or "...no ha, ... kara".
-the mashou volitional form expresses "will", ie LET'S go to goth night. If you just want the future tense, you may want to use "iku darou"

Just casual - I didn't actually need to say it to anyone, but I need the practice.

I know I actually typed out "atarashii," I think I probably just deleted the hiragana "shi" out of sleep deprivation when I was trying to weed out stuff I didn't need. I tend to make some sentences out of other sentences - sort of a Frankenstein's syntax, if you will. As for the rest, I've taken note.

買うことを望む。ーー＞買いたいです。
待たなければ、is if you don't wait... I am waiting is でも、ハロウイーンを待っています。It needs to be a separate sentence. Or you can make it もっとお金が在るから、
ハロウイーンを待っています。 Or ハロウイーンを待っているのは、 もっとお金が在るからでしょう。
I'm not sure about "rushing" a costume -- 急ぎましょう doesn't make sense, but
what does that even mean in English ?

Ah, ok. Looking back, my inline translator shows "待たなければ" as being "to wait (conditional if negative)" with "待" right under it on the list as just "to wait."

And I meant "rushing" as in "hurriedly trying to make" a costume. It's sort of a plug-and-play approach to the language. Where "衣裳を拵える" would (probably) be "make a costume," or "manufacture a costume," just replace "make" with "rush."

It's probably not the case, as I doubt there's an equivalent verbal short and way of saying "hurriedly make something resembling a costume and hope the club is dark enough for no one to notice that I did a horrid, horrid job," but it seems like that would work. Kinda like "今日、私は馬鹿じで起きました。" My japanese teacher tells me that japanese people don't say that, but it's as close as I could come to "I woke up at stupid o'clock today."

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

私は新携帯電話を買うことを望む。でも、ハロウイーンを待たなければ、もっとお金が在るからでしょう。そう、この日曜日、ゴシックの夜に行きましょう。衣裳を急ぎましょうか。

How about instead of 「買うことを望む」 you use 「買いたい」?

 

[Elizabeth]

And I meant "rushing" as in "hurriedly trying to make" a costume. It's sort of a plug-and-play approach to the language. Where "衣裳を拵える" would (probably) be "make a costume," or "manufacture a costume," just replace "make" with "rush."
It's probably not the case, as I doubt there's an equivalent verbal short and way of saying "hurriedly make something resembling a costume and hope the club is dark enough for no one to notice that I did a horrid, horrid job," but it seems like that would work.

How about one of these instead ? 衣裳の作りを急かせるといいかな？ (Should I hurry up the making of the costume?) 衣裳の作りを急ぐといいかな (I wonder about hurrying/rushing the making of this costume?) OR 衣裳を急いで作ったらいいかな？(I wonder if I should make it in a hurry？).

They may be informal and slapdash or grammatically dodgy to keep this simple but if you say "make" you need to use the verb for clarity in my opinion. 急ぐ generally takes an action, not thing, as object so initially I assumed this was regarding a rush order or such.

 

[nhk9]

Just casual - I didn't actually need to say it to anyone, but I need the practice.
I know I actually typed out "atarashii," I think I probably just deleted the hiragana "shi" out of sleep deprivation when I was trying to weed out stuff I didn't need. I tend to make some sentences out of other sentences - sort of a Frankenstein's syntax, if you will. As for the rest, I've taken note.
Ah, ok. Looking back, my inline translator shows "待たなければ" as being "to wait (conditional if negative)" with "待" right under it on the list as just "to wait."
And I meant "rushing" as in "hurriedly trying to make" a costume. It's sort of a plug-and-play approach to the language. Where "衣裳を拵える" would (probably) be "make a costume," or "manufacture a costume," just replace "make" with "rush."
It's probably not the case, as I doubt there's an equivalent verbal short and way of saying "hurriedly make something resembling a costume and hope the club is dark enough for no one to notice that I did a horrid, horrid job," but it seems like that would work. Kinda like "今日、私は馬鹿じで起きました。" My japanese teacher tells me that japanese people don't say that, but it's as close as I could come to "I woke up at stupid o'clock today."

It would help if you tell us what kind of speech you want to practice. Do you want the ultra formal version, or do you want the casual version. It makes a big difference in choosing the proper words to use. For example, 拵える is not used often in casual speech.