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Trouble with dating a Japanese girl

14 Jul 2010
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Hi Everyone

I met this really really nice Japanese girl once working in a restaurant in New Zealand. I started talking to her and she was very friendly and open. After a few times eating at the restaurant we were talking like old friends and I thought this is a really nice girl. I would love to get to know her better.

However, I noticed a ring on her finger and asked her if she was married. She put her hand on my shoulder as she past me and said "No, in Japan the ring is on the other finger." Smiled and kept walking to serve a customer.

Eventually one night I gave her my number and asked her to call me when she has a day off as I would love to buy her coffee and just chat with her outside of work. That has made her super friendly towards me. Everytime I walk into the restaurant she would greet me and talk to me. And even when I left she would run after me and tell me she has been very busy and thus could not call me. Altough she did mention to me she tried to find my office from what I explained to her during our initial meet at the restaurant.

So eventually I asked my friend with his Japanese g/f to come with me to the restaurant and meet this girl I am trying to take out for a drink. After the meeting my friend's g/f informed me she got an sms from this girl at the restaurant to say thanks for eating there.

So eventually I asked my friend *A* and his Japanese g/f *B* to organise a hookup with this girl at a coffee shop and then I can come along. Needless to say that was just one of many wrong moves.

During the hookup we again had a great chat and when my 2 friends arrived we were all talking and had a great time. After that my friend *A* invited her with us out to go watch a rugby game and meet some more friends, but she declined as she already had an appointment with her g/f to eat at a restaurant.

Next weekend I got an sms from *B* to say she received a reply from this girl. This girl is heading off to a party with her boyfriend.

After that sms I realised that this was the clearest signal ever to tell me to back off. So I went to the restaurant and apologised for annoying her. Weird thing was she still asked me why I looked so serious just before I apologised to her. Then during the apology she said she doesn't think like that. And when I said I am sorry about this, she insisted that I should not say I am sorry.

I have been back at the restaurant to enjoy their delicious meals, but needless to say we only greet and she takes my order and say goodnight when she takes my payment. Nothing more than that. The typical unemotional Japanese style.

So having worn my heart on my sleeve here, I desperately need some help in decrypting this mysterious behaviour.

I would like to add I have never before dated a Japanese girl. This was my first attempt and I had made all the mistakes in the book.

The first error to my understanding was not to ask her if she had a b/f. However here's the irony. During our coffee chat on her day off, she let slip out of her own she has no b/f when we were discussing plans for the afternoon. Yet the next weekend she suddenly had a b/f???

She also said to me she tried to find my office. Was that just a lie or was that the truth? I gather she has no need to lie, but then again maybe she was trying to get me off her case?

After the apology and the somewhat cold treatment I am receiving I guess there is no going back even if I get *B* (my japanese lady friend) involved again? That bridge was burnt good and solid I guess?

Anyways, that's my story and like I said I would really try to understand and make sense of what has happened?

TIA

P.S. Some understanding from my part from a recent event. I have another Japanese lady friend whom I am trying to get to have coffee with me in order to have a catch up chat with her. I set the day, time & place of where we must meet and she replied by saying I am very aggressive. That said it dawned on me that this could be part of the problem with the above girl. I was too aggressive. Another thing a Japanese girl (who I don't know) pointed out to me was that the girl might not be interested in me and was being polite. Instead the suggestion from this girl was that I should have asked the girl straight out if she would like to go out with me and be my girlfriend. However, is that not too direct (and perhaps quite aggressive) for Japanese girls?
 
Hi Dave

Thanks for the response.

I would just like to make sure I understand what you posted. From the above I read that if I know some stuff about the girl and we spent some time together, I can ask her out on a date?

However if I know a lot about her and spent no time with her I am a stalker or if I spent a lot of time with her and know little about her I am like a creep?
Is my understanding correct or am I missing something?
 
Hi Dave

Thanks for the response.

I would just like to make sure I understand what you posted. From the above I read that if I know some stuff about the girl and we spent some time together, I can ask her out on a date?

However if I know a lot about her and spent no time with her I am a stalker or if I spent a lot of time with her and know little about her I am like a creep?
Is my understanding correct or am I missing something?

Dude, I think you just mistook Japanese politeness, for interest. It can be a fairly common occurrence. You also might have made yourself seem a little desperate/pathetic (especially by going to apologize to her). Not a turn on.

Other than that, what are you doing having the girl call you? Once you get to the point were it is appropriate to ask someone out, I think it should be you doing the calling/mailing and setting up the time/date. After all, you are the one that is interested. If she tells you no and says some excuse, ask her about another day, then if she makes another excuse. 1. Take it as a hint, and don't pursue. 2. give her your number/mail at that point, and let her contact you (and if she is interested at all she will), but don't push it any further than that.

Oh and in my past I found that you never ask if they have a boyfriend, because that closes the door immediately (They could be unhappy in the relationship, or wanting to break up with them. This has been the case with a few of my past girlfriends).

Also, the suggestion to just tell her you like her and ask her to be your GF is probably accurate one. To my understanding, doing so is not all that uncommon in Japan.
 
Hi Dave

Thanks for the response.

I would just like to make sure I understand what you posted. From the above I read that if I know some stuff about the girl and we spent some time together, I can ask her out on a date?

However if I know a lot about her and spent no time with her I am a stalker or if I spent a lot of time with her and know little about her I am like a creep?
Is my understanding correct or am I missing something?

Well, according to his graph, the only way up after dating someone is to either become a stalker, just a friend or a creeper. We just can't win can we :sick:
 
Well, according to his graph, the only way up after dating someone is to either become a stalker, just a friend or a creeper. We just can't win can we :sick:

The graph sums up what my daughter used to tell me about the guys she met at college in the US. 😊

Yes, there are many girls whose politeness gets in the way and can't say outright they're not interested. I say follow Chidoriashi's advice and don't push too hard. But, not all Japanese girls are the same...

Good luck! 🙂
 
I'd say you badly fumbled the ball.

As was mentioned previously, you should've gotten her number and called her, not give your number and expect her to call you. And, why just "for coffee?" If you wanted to go on a date, make it a real date and that means dinner, etc. You may have given her the impression that you're a cheapskate!

She might have been interested in going out, why else would she try to find your office?

It doesn't matter what nationality a girl is, a girl will do what she wants to do. If she wants to go out with someone, she'll do so (by hook or crook)!

I had a Japanese girlfriend and she respected the honest approach with no game playing. Having your friend and his girlfriend involved was a bad move. She might have felt you weren't "man enough" go ask her out without a couple of "midwives."

After getting the word that she had a boyfriend (that may have been just an excuse, by the way), going to apologize was another bad move.

This reminds me of an old joke: "What are you, a man or a mouse? Come on, squeak up!"

Hope you learned your lesson. Better luck next time.
 
"However, I noticed a ring on her finger and asked her if she was married. She put her hand on my shoulder as she past me and said "No, in Japan the ring is on the other finger."

All the Japanese married women I know wear their ring on their fourth finger, just like Americans do.

She was probably being nice to you, so as to not lose a customer.
 
These situations always make me laugh. It's easy to get hung-up on the details, fine-pick every move and try to figure out what went wrong but the real question is what do you do next? Needless to say the situation is a bit messed-up now but would you want to persevere?

For what it's worth I do think it's safe to say you over did it a bit. I'm trying to imagine what I would do in a similar situation. For starters, I'd probably not visit the restaurant very often at all. Just occasionally you know? If she starts to think you're a "regular" at the restaurant then you're way out of luck. Get her number, organise a date and see how it goes, in the meantime avoid her work place. That needs to be separate.

But to be honest it could literally be a million things that stopped this from working. I certainly wouldn't start thinking that Japanese girls are incredibly different to all other girls around the globe. In my experience a girl's pre-dating behaviour can always be put into certain categories depending on the "looseness" of that girl. Nationalities have nothing to do with it.
 
Tenshin:

I'm going to give you a bit of advice based on years of dating, and a couple of great successes... its tough to do but it will save you a lot of anguish in the long run.

You meet someone at some , maybe had a few conversations over a couple of meetings and are getting a good vibe... in short you feel there is a possibility something might happen. What do you do?

You ask her out on a date. Now you don't have to call it a date explicitly, but you must make sure its something substantial... like dinner or some sort of event where the intention is without doubt.

Now here's the thing; it should be a one time offer (in your mind... don't ever say that to her) If she doesn't say yes or offer an alternative immediately, then stop trying. If she takes your number, says she will call you and doesn't, don't bother trying.

Lets take a superficial look into her motives. if she's interested, she'll reciprocate immediately. In the off chance that she is interested and doesn't respond then its likely that she's probably into playing games... who wants that? In reality, if she doesn't say yes immediately or hesitates, then she's not that interested and wants to avoid hurting your feelings.

I know that this seems somewhat harsh and you're probably thinking of all these exceptions in your mind. Don't bother. I used to do that too and nine times out of ten I found that if a woman doesn't respond on the first offer, she's not going to respond to a second one. Being clear by asking to go on a date, cuts through all the perceptions/misperceptions and gets you a clear answer of where you stand.

The best thing is for you to move on and find someone else. Trust me, its not that hard, and you'll stop wondering what you did wrong and the like.



Oh and one other thing. Unless you know the person outside of her workplace, don't ask out servers. Its too difficult to discern whether a person is genuinely interested or whether she wants to do her job right.
 
The problem is people here don't know how to be honest about their feelings. Polite rejection just isn't an option when you are focusing on making everything look perfect when it obviously isn't
 
Japanese women look like teenage boys. Cut their hair short, and most will look like boys.

All Japanese women want from White guys is their money, a visa, or they are jealous of White women and want to be White (thus hair dye, fake contacts, eye and nose surgery).

foreign guys dating Japanese women usually have Asian fetishes, pedophile tendencies, or are bi-sexual types and like women that look like boys or men.
 
I wonder if she's upset at the woman who her boyfriend used to date, or the one who took him from her. Merry Christmas!
 
Kathryn says she is Japanese living in the US. Interesting viewpoint and I beg to differ. Merry Christmas.
 
Enquiring into Ms Kathryn's data trail on the internet, in particular her bans on other fora devoted to dating, I'm afraid we shall never learn the true reason for her discontentedness.
 
Hey Its all about my thoughts...
Really? It's all about your bitter, racist thoughts?

You can ignore me, since I'm married to a Japanese woman, so I must "have Asian fetishes, pedophile tendencies, or are bi-sexual types."

If you find people don't give you the benefit of the doubt here, it's because you started the conversation by condemning and insulting people.
 
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