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Sexless in Japanese marriage!?

Hmm... I think i'll weigh in on this one, although I shall refrain from commenting on the issue at hand as I have never been married, let alone to a Japanese spouse therefore I am not qualified to speak on such things. But... a few observations if I may re: the original poster in the thread you cited Kiwano.

1) The picture he paints is awfully one-sided... At no point does he even say anywhere in the thread how long he has been married, how he met his wife, whether or not she's fluent in English and or he in Japanese, etc... There are many variables to consider yet this individual does not nearly provide us with enough information.

2) This individual is clearly stuck on himself. After reading through his initial post and his "it's all about me" mentality, I decided to quote a few choice excerpts as well as comment on each one afterward:

"...I was willing to deal with a so-so sex life for the rest of my life."

---And it sounds like she was willing to deal with a so-so spouse the rest of her life so the two of you should compromise.

"I understand that being pregnant and delivering a baby is pretty rough work so I was a sport and did not complain about the no sex thing for 6 months."

--Wow... how considerate of you.

"After we had the baby for a while and things had settled down I was looking forward to resuming my mediocre sex life with my wife"

---Mediocre? Well, with that mentality what do you expect... Spice it up you idiot. It's only as mediocre as you make it...

"At this point I am lucky to get laid once every 2 or 3 months. That just isn't enough. Note to the ladies reading this: men are wired to produce sperm until they die. If a guy doesn't get laid on a regular basis he goes crazy, we can't help it, it's biological."

---Sorry guy but you don't speak on behalf of our entire gender. Unless he has a background in human anatomy and physiology I highly doubt said individual has the proper credentials to speak about how men are "wired." One should always speak for oneseself and if I can keep it in my pants then so should you...

"I know I am a competent lover. Have heard so from many prior girlfriends."

---Good for you, here's your cookie. What the hell this has to do with anything is beyond me. Unless... he's trying to imply that his "mediocre" sex life is due to no fault of his own... then that would just make him an egotistical @ss and demeaning to his wife.

"I can't get laid at home and society says I can't get laid outside the home but one thing is for farkin sure, I had better get laid sometime soon. what?"

---He's kidding right? Grow up. You got married, took an oath and vowed to remain true to your spouse. Stop trying to look for an "out" now just because you can't control your libido...

3) Why oh why do people feel the need to dredge up their personal lives on a public msg board is beyond me... If this guy has issues, then he should focus on those individuals who are directly affected by said issues (in this case his wife) instead of bringing it out in the open to be hashed out on a msg board. The overall tone of his original post was very condescending imho and borderline insulting to his wife. Why so many people are willing to put stock in what other people think (anonymous strangers no less) I have no idea... Take myself for instance. I have been with this site for almost a year and I consider many of you good people. But... when it comes to real life issues and personal decisions then the only person I listen to is myself, my friends, and my family. I could care less what anyone else thinks.

Anyways... that's all I wanted to say. I'm sure that the issue at hand is a very real one but the manner, tone, and overall delivery of this individual in posing his question needed to be commented on. I think his comments reveal a great deal about his shallow character in this regard and that the "source" should always be a consideration. I for one would very much like to hear what his wife has to say about the subject.
:)
 
Well Iron Chef,

what a beautifull piece of presentation of sociology and human behavior.
i am so impressed! Especially coming from an USA man.

Thanks for brighting up my day.
I read many sociology books in my life, but never like this. and your statement, here, is so concrete and well written, not to say; very through, that i hope you write more in the future. And, If you ever write a book on this subjest, i hope i`ll be fortunate anough to be around and read it.

You must had a great "fundaments" in your family. Eather that or you are an exceptional human been.

Cathy
 
Originally posted by SacredBlue I agree with kirei_na_me on this. Many people like Japanese girls because of their looks (which isn't bad, after all we're only human). But wanting to marry a girl solely because of her nationality will lead you to be disappointed, no matter how much affection she can show you. (This isn't directed to the poster).
I've never heard a woman use "da yo"....maybe some do, but I think it is normally just "suki yo."
 
Thanks for the kind words Cathy although I certainly don't feel my comments merit such high praise...
 
I agree, Iron Chef is truly a man who has the ability to think and formulate his thoughts. There is only one thing that I disagree with a little. I don't think that the poster is bordering on being insulting, he is (at least in my opinion) plain rude to his spouse. I would also really like to hear what his wife has to say
 
I'd love to take half the posts on the Gaijinpot Relationship forum and have them mailed to the poster's wives. When Japanese women don't hide their anger, start runnin..(at least the ones I know)
 
Originally posted by SacredBlue
I'd love to take half the posts on the Gaijinpot Relationship forum and have them mailed to the poster's wives. When Japanese women don't hide their anger, start runnin..(at least the ones I know)
Perhaps, I don't know. It's such a different mentality and way of seeing things. I was recently told by a Japanese guy in kind of an offhand way that he felt I'd probably end up cheating with one of my neighbors and just to be careful about pregnancy and contracting something. I of course blew myself up in rightous indignation and into an absolutely convulsive rage while he was totally bewildered and even after spelling it out very precisely, I don't think fully understands. Which I know doesn't even approach what most Japanese women who don't have much of a life of their own must go through with their men on a daily basis. Another moral of the story : continuing in a relationship with someone half-heartedly out of marriage you don't really like (literally translated "zurozuro to tsuzuite iku"), isn't considered such a good thing in Japan and although a foreigner may realize they are doing it out of other motives (such as friendship or out of a sense of duty etc), it is apt to be miscontrued by a Japanese as something of a sexual nature. :eek:
 
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I believe the westerner's view of marriage and the Japanese view of marriage is quite different.
Different in the sense that for some Japanese, marriage is not so much love and sex and affection. It's a social entity, function.
You have to be a unit in order to be accepted in the Japanese society.
They may marry through love in the beginning, but if the relationship turns sour, they will still try to remain together until the kids leave home or even after the kids leave home, they accept their relationship and remain so. They may not be too happy, but the wife could be so dependent on the husband, she would have hard time leaving him.
So if it is just a matter of not having sexual relationship anymore,
they would stay together as husbands and wives.
They would seek happiness in some other areas.
But I understand that in the US, what's marriage without love, right?
what's marriage without sexual relationship?
It's OVER! DONE!

the bicultural princess
 
🙂

Well, hi all. This particular thread was the trigger for me to register on this forum, good reading.

So I have been with a J-girl for a little while, I quickly realised my ignorance of the culture. But learning all the time, learnt quite a bit on this forum.

So my 2p's worth;

It was not understandable to her how people could want sex nearly every day. Now she is as insaitiable as I'd like her to be :eek: but in the beginning she thought it was very incomprehensable, having read much of the above now I'm wondering about what marrige would mean about sex with her 10 years time. Would this change?

She's been in UK for less than two years so was brought up and educated in J, but to be fair I do not see a lot of what is mentioned above in her behaviour. She has very modern attitudes, very open minded, very liberal, and I get the distinct impression she would much rather write her own book than conform to anyone else's.. which is great because I very much have a similar opinion, being 2nd gen Polish/Russian myself and slightly neo-modern along with it...

She's lovely, keeps asking me if I'm with her just for the J thing, novelty or something. I assure her, and those of you reading, that that though it IS fascinating to me, I'm with her because of who she is and what she's like. Question is, how much is culture and how much is just her..?

And I learnt a word or two ..

DAIJABU DES

more to follow
 
Romantic Fantasizing of the Victorian Marriage is My Anachronism, but Amusing ...

Old thread, but just couldn't leave your comment uncommented, coming from someone who's had first hand experience in the so-called arranged marriage. :p
Elizabeth said:
At least one good thing about the old miai system of arranged marriages was it gave everyone the opportunity to judge your maturity level and readiness for marriage -- yourself, the families, and matchmaker involved -- before diving in head first with just anyone.....
Your idea does have the merit when the arrangement ritual is seen as a preventive machine of a disastrous marriage. But what about the other not-so-good outcomes of such an institution which is completely at odds with modern, individualist society ?

1. Was everyone (not the two to be married) given an opprotunity to judge their own maturity to voice their opinion in the decision that the designated two should get married ?

2. Was each of the two to be married given equal opportunity to excercise their natural rights, reasoning, emotions, even basic instincts to be heard by the elders, to be part of the decision making ?

3. What happens, in the traginc case, that the prospective couple want themselves to be married, but the elders don't and separate them ?

4. What happens, in another tragic case, that the prospective couple don't want themselves to be married, but the elders do, and join them in the conjugal arrangement ?

5. What happens, in another twisted case, that one of the prospective couple want the marriage, but the other doesn't, and the elders force one side's desire upon the other ?

Who is responsible for the unhappy consequences that involve more than one indivdual's life ? What about the children born of the relationship, who must suffer the unhappy parents' gloom all thru their lives, always wondering, even blaming themselves, "What is wrong with me ?"
Nevetheless I appreciate the opportunity to raise these questions/complaints. 😌
 
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"Question is, how much is culture and how much is just her..?"
be sure to post back in a year or two and let us know
 
Hi,
I'm really interested to read all your comments because I'm English, going out with a Japanese bloke. We're in England at the moment - he was brought up in Japan, but has lived for several years in Europe and also in Australia. Our relationship at the moment is quite casual so... Maybe he likes an English woman because of the idea that sex won't stop with marriage and/or kids, lol ;-) Anyway, it's true for him that such a relationship is more kind of 'functional' or 'practical' than is usual for English people, but I find that quite refreshing, to be honest. It doesn't mean he's heartless or passionless or something... I also like the fact that loyalty is important for him, but on the other hand there's many ways in which he's not 'typical Japanese' (is there such a thing?! I doubt it!). Well, I was curious about the title of this thread ;-) Happily married couple should carry on to enjoy a good sex life for many, many years!
 
Well I'm late but ...

If a guy doesn't get laid on a regular basis he goes crazy, we can't help it, it's biological.

Stupidest thing I've heard all week (and I've been exposed to plenty of stupidity recently). 😌
 
A guy married to a Japanese woman can count on a sex life up until the point that she has as many children as she wants to have.

And totally apart from sex, Japanese aren't known as being the most affectionate people on earth. And the word "affectionate" shouldn't be misconstrued as "loving/caring/emotional"
 
I have been married to a Japanese woman for 40 years. We have 4 kids. In the last 5 years or so I have begun expanding our sexual vocabulary. She was always very satisfied with a sexual experience that more or less followed our normal practice. When I began trying different positions or locations or times she resisted strenuously. I noticed that she never initiated a sex session of course it goes without saying that she doesn't express her emotions, except towards those in superior positions. This was bothering me more and more and I tried being extra nice or patient but that didn't make any difference. Just recently I came to the conclusion that if I wanted to upgrade the sexual action then I should just do it, she will submit, even if she doesn't seem to. I always wanted to do doggy style sex but she always insisted not. But recently, armed with my new epiphany, I more and more boldly mount her from the back, with less and less resistance. Of course true love motivates all these acts and every day after she is happy and caring and normal. Meaning she's not mad or pouting because I did something she doesn't like, yet. Patience and absolute resolve seems to be my responsibility without expecting the usual trappings of love as we know them. Of course she is the only one in my life and we are locked together for eternity. I look forward to more intense se even though we are obviously older.
 
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