All children need discipline
It is hard for me to believe that it is so hard to comprehend what makes kids go wrong.
I am the mother of 4 children: ages 22, 19, 16 and 13.
I ALSO have a B.A.S in Criminal Justice specializing in Juvenile Justice and...
I work as a Youth Specialist at a juvenile program just outside of Detroit, Michigan.
I list my credentials in this order because I believe you can have a Doctorate in child behavior and/or psychology and STILL fail as a parent: "the proof is in the pudding" so to speak...and having three teenagers at once is truly a test of any parent.
Being a youth specialist allows me to not only test my theories on a regular basis, but to "fix" kids whose parents make the same mistakes over and over and over again. By fearing being "mean" or just being just plain LAZY parents allow kids to run the household and raise themselves (or each other).
Yes, I FIX the kids YOU SCREW UP!
Which brings me to the connection between the former and Japan:
I ALSO have a best friend whose husband was transferred here from Japan to the US almost 2 years ago (in August) with an infant in tow.
Her and I formed a very quick and close friendship...we consider ourselves "sisters" (we were born two days apart). THE ONLY thing which has ever disturbed me about my friend is that she NEVER sets up boundaries for her child and absolutely NEVER disciplines her.
I sat just today and watched the child hitting and punching her mother in the face and all her mother did was try to block the blows: one hit her squarely in the eye and had to hurt more than a little.
This is to mention only ONE of the horrible things this child is "ALLOWED" to do on a regular basis. I cannot comprehend THIS!! I asked another Japanese friend (my Japanese language teacher AND friend), who has been here (in the US) for 8 years, about this and she said this is common in Japan: kids will be off in the corner setting fire to the house and parents are calmly chatting with one another as if the kids don't even exist (this is a slight exaggeration, but you get the picture).
My friend is beside herself about what to do. She cannot take her child out of the house because she is unable to act like a human being. She's ended up putting her in daycare as much as possible because this kid is driving her crazy!! She keeps asking me if my kids acted this way and, trying to be polite, I don't quite answer straight because the answer is a very firm "NO!" When my kids went out of the house they knew how to behave; if they acted up they were punished - end of story. She cannot comprehend my raising 4 all at once when she cannot even control one...and I can see why. My kids are all 3 years apart so they were all young at the same time, so if even ONE of my kids were like hers I doubt if we would have survived.
I told her today that if her child is allowed to punch her in the face today, without being stopped, when she is 13 she will STILL be doing it. What will change? I usually keep my mouth shut, but when I saw her jack her in the jaw I was indignant. WHY, DOES SHE ALLOW THIS?? This is doing no-one any good at all!! This child is spoiled as well as the other Japanese families which I have met through her...one family stopped in at her house one day and the two kids promply began CLIMBING ON HER HALF WALL AND JUMPING OFF down to the level below (about a 4 foot drop)!! The parents just kept talking as if nothing was happening. Not only were they endangering their ownselves, but they were teaching HER 2 year old how to get onto the half wall and jump off, which could have been fatal for HER (the two year old immediately picked it up and began doing the same thing...whereas my friend had to chase her until both mother and child were ready to drop - which taught nothing to anyone) BUT no-body did or SAID anything to the two brats who were doing it to start with. I seemed to be the only person who was noticing. I stood there in awe as this was happening and it was clear to me that this was not an isolated incident.
I don't mean to say that you MUST SPANK your children, but what I'm saying is that you MUST WIN somehow...you MUST define limits and you MUST be able to defend those limits EVERY TIME! This carries on to every authority figure throughout that child's life. A child must NOT be allowed to do anything he or she desires and must not be allowed to run the household. Children do not feel "safe" if they do not have boundaries, just like we would not feel safe if our houses lacked doors and windows. This lack of security ushers in a plethora of mental and emotional problems.
For me there is NO WONDER why Japan's kids are getting worse and worse. In the 1950's the US went through the exact same thing, the sixties were the result...and some of the highest crime rates in history followed for the next 30 years until some brave souls stood up and spoke the truth about the necessities of firm discipline.
Watch Nanny 911 or Supernanny to see exactly what I'm talking about...shoot! Watch the "Dog Whisperer" for pete sake (sorry, but Ceasar uses the EXACT same concept which works for child rearing). No need to beat them, just win SOMEHOW!
Like I said before, the proof is in the pudding: do you know anyone who has "good" kids? do what they do... ASK THEM WHAT THEY DO!
NEVER and I mean NEVER spank a child for doing something which is merely irresponsible. Irresponsibility cannot be corrected by force...it must be acquired!! It's like learning to play the violin, you cannot force someone to learn it they must be shown and they must apply this themselves.
JUSTICE is very important for kids: if you are too lazy to judge who did what then find someone who isn't. Injustice breeds contempt - you DO NOT want your child to feel contempt for you!! He will lose respect, and honestly if you're too lazy to mete out justice then you don't DESERVE to be respected!
WE are the ONLY chance our children have!! They have ONE chance to learn good character and it is OUR job to nurture good character. If our kids are bad, it's OUR fault, not the school's or the government's or "nature" or because they didn't get a nap. When I don't get a nap, it's not ok for me to punch people, so why would it be ok for Susie?
Do you want to know HOW "Youth Specialists" turn screwed up kids around?
We give them limits and boundaries - we stand firmly and fairly. The rules are simple, logical and spelled out in detail before hand. This makes unstable kids feel secure and "safe"...because their life is now "predictable". This is EXACTLY what their parents failed to do for them at home; which is also sometimes why they relapse as soon as they return home.
Honestly, we have both abused/neglected kids AND spoiled ones, and I will tell you the truth - the "spoiled" ones USUALLY are beyond all help. I have NEVER seen violent youth like the ones who are coddled and spoiled - given everything they ever wanted and NEVER told "no"; who run their homes and their parents like German dictators and whom their parents are afraid of.
My friend's daughter already fits this profile and she's only 2 years old.
Because of my background I'm very very worried about their future.
I haven't said any of this to my friend, I'm too afraid that I will offend her...even though she MUST feel that I know what I'm talking about since I have so much experience. Still, parenting is a touchy subject, no-one takes parenting advice very well, if it's contrary to what they're currently doing. I will never understand this, but it is the truth.
Sorry this post is so long!
Sonieb33
), yet I have always understood that there are boundaries thanks to my mum. She did one hell of a job as a single parent considering that neither my little brother or I have ever been in jail, and only got into fights protecting other people. Key to her success was the fact that she made it clear that there were rules which must be adhered to, because to not do so carried negative consequences, but to do so had positive consequences (or neutral - but neutral vs. negative is positive if you get my drift). 
