BoxedLunch
後輩
- 3 Sep 2012
- 21
- 0
Hi there. I'm translating some dialogue for a friend of mine's fanfic (it's a really good way to practice), and I was wondering if a native or fluent speaker of Japanese could look over the result and offer corrections and suggestions. Aside from mistakes in grammar, which there are undoubtedly plenty of, I'm sure there are several translations that come off too literal and unnatural-sounding for a native Japanese speaker. All the dialogue here is from one character, so the conversation is one-sided. Context is added where needed, but that doesn't need to be translated.
~~~
"Wh-Who the hell are..." (Context: "Who the hell are you?")
「い、いってぇ 誰だ、きさま...」
-
"So it was you! You're the one who took my Ra-Seru! Sorry to disappoint you, but that thing belongs to me! I already decided it did! Unless you want to face the wrath of a fully-qualified warrior of Biron, you'd better hand the damn thing over right now!"
「じゃ、きさまだったな！ 俺のラ・セルは きさまが 盗んでやがった！ 期待を裏切って わりぃけど、そい つが俺のもんだ！ もう 決まったぞ！ 完全の適格な バイロンの僧兵を 相手取りたくなければ、今々 そい つを手渡しやがってよいぞ！」
-
"Go ahead, then! Kill me! Kill me, you miserable bastard! No one will care! I don't care! Just make it quick! Please, in the name of God, make it quick!"
「じゃ、やれ！ 俺を殺せ！ 殺しやがれ！ 誰も気に もとめねぇ！ 俺も 気にもとめねぇんだ！ 早くやり やがれ！ 神のために、早くやってくれ！」
-
"I wanted that Ra-Seru."
「そのラ・セルを持ちたかったんだ。」
-
"I wanted to use it... to become stronger."
「そいつを使いたかった... もっと強くなれるからぞ。」
-
"Where I live, at the Biron Monastery, there's this... this guy. Gala. He's always been stronger than me. Everyone compares me to him when they think I'm not listening. He's always been better at... at everything."
「俺の住むところ、バイロン寺院のところだ、あの... あのヤツがいるぞ。ガラってよんでるんだ。いつも あ いつは俺より よく強かったぞ。俺が聞かなさそう、み んなが あいつと俺を比する。いつも あいつは何事.. . 何事につけてもよかったんだ。」
-
"But if I had a Ra-Seru, I'd be able to..." (Context: "I'd be able to beat Gala.")
「けど、ラ・セルを持ったら、俺は...」
-
"What do you mean?"
「どういう意味だ？」
-
"I'd travel. I hate being cooped up in that place. They treat me like I'm helpless, but I'm one of the strongest people there. I'd be the strongest, if... if you just gave me that damn Ra-Seru and let me go." (Context: "Once I defeated Gala, I would go traveling.")
「旅行する。あのところに引き篭るのは 大嫌いんだ。 あそこに、みんなは俺が無力って 思うけど、俺が屈指 の強い僧兵だ。１番強い、だったら... だったら、そあ ﾌラ・セルを俺に持って、俺を許したら。」
-
"What?" (Context: "What did you just say?")
「なんだって？」
-
"You... You want me to kill kids?"
「きさま... きさま、子らを殺してほしいのかい？」
-
"Help you how?"
「きさまを助けるって、どういうんだ？」
-
"You mean because you'll kill me." (Context: "You mean because you'll kill me if I don't agree to join forces with you.")
「俺を殺すからんだろう。」
-
"Fine. I'll join (forces with) you. Give me the Ra-Seru... sir."
「よいぜ。きさまと組になるぞ。ラ・セルをよこしてく ... ださい。」
-
"Okay. Lor... Please give me the Ra-Seru, Mr. Cort." (Context: (was going to call him 'Lord Cort' but decided on 'Mr. Cort' at the last second)
「わかったんです。ラ・セルをよこしてください、コートさ... コートさん。」
-
"Songi." (Context: "My name is Songi.")
「ソンギです。」
-
"You knew I was planning to kill you, didn't you?"
「きさまを殺しといて、きさまがわかったんですな。」
-
"And you knew I'd change my mind once I had the Ra-Seru."
「ラ・セルを持った後で、俺、気持ちを変えて、それも わかったんですな。」
-
"Aren't you worried I'll turn on you later?"
「来日、俺はきさまをうらぎれるから、心配じゃねぇで すかい？」
-
"You're right... Mr. Cort."
「そうですな... コートさん。」
-
"You know that's not true, Mr. Cort. I want... much more than that." (Context: "I want much more than revenge on Gala.")
「そうじゃねぇだろう、コートさん。もっと... もっとほしいんです。」
-
"I want revenge on all of them. They all think I'm weak and pathetic. If they don't hate or pity me, they only tolerate me or place me as second-best to Gala. I'll show them what a terrible mistake that was."
「どのあいつもを 仇を討ちてぇんです。あいつらは 俺がよわくて あわれって 思うんです。俺を大嫌いし なければし、あわれまなければし、俺を堪えるだけし、 ガラはもっと強いって 言うだけ。巨大な誤りが あい つらに見せるんです。」
-
"Yes, sir."
「はい。」
-
"I'll get you eventually too, Cort. I promise you that." (Context: (talking to himself) "I'll kill/beat/strike down Cort some day when I get the chance.")
「きさまも いつか潰すぜ、コート。それは やくそくだ。」
-
"Like you care." (Context: (talking to himself) "You don't care if I'm all right or not, despite what you say.")
「きさまら 心配しやがるんじゃねぇな。」
-
"Never better." (Context: (in response to being asked if he's all right) "I've never felt better/more healthy than I do now.")
「もっと大丈夫だ。」
~~~
Some notes about the character's speaking patterns: He compresses his speech and uses a lot of slang, as well as impolite/masculine colloquial terms. He's very rude, talks down to most people, and his idea of being formal is just adding desu or n'desu to the ends of his sentences. If it's not too much trouble, please also be sure to tell me why a thing I wrote is wrong, either in terms of grammar or in terms of being too literal. I really want to improve.
~~~
"Wh-Who the hell are..." (Context: "Who the hell are you?")
「い、いってぇ 誰だ、きさま...」
-
"So it was you! You're the one who took my Ra-Seru! Sorry to disappoint you, but that thing belongs to me! I already decided it did! Unless you want to face the wrath of a fully-qualified warrior of Biron, you'd better hand the damn thing over right now!"
「じゃ、きさまだったな！ 俺のラ・セルは きさまが 盗んでやがった！ 期待を裏切って わりぃけど、そい つが俺のもんだ！ もう 決まったぞ！ 完全の適格な バイロンの僧兵を 相手取りたくなければ、今々 そい つを手渡しやがってよいぞ！」
-
"Go ahead, then! Kill me! Kill me, you miserable bastard! No one will care! I don't care! Just make it quick! Please, in the name of God, make it quick!"
「じゃ、やれ！ 俺を殺せ！ 殺しやがれ！ 誰も気に もとめねぇ！ 俺も 気にもとめねぇんだ！ 早くやり やがれ！ 神のために、早くやってくれ！」
-
"I wanted that Ra-Seru."
「そのラ・セルを持ちたかったんだ。」
-
"I wanted to use it... to become stronger."
「そいつを使いたかった... もっと強くなれるからぞ。」
-
"Where I live, at the Biron Monastery, there's this... this guy. Gala. He's always been stronger than me. Everyone compares me to him when they think I'm not listening. He's always been better at... at everything."
「俺の住むところ、バイロン寺院のところだ、あの... あのヤツがいるぞ。ガラってよんでるんだ。いつも あ いつは俺より よく強かったぞ。俺が聞かなさそう、み んなが あいつと俺を比する。いつも あいつは何事.. . 何事につけてもよかったんだ。」
-
"But if I had a Ra-Seru, I'd be able to..." (Context: "I'd be able to beat Gala.")
「けど、ラ・セルを持ったら、俺は...」
-
"What do you mean?"
「どういう意味だ？」
-
"I'd travel. I hate being cooped up in that place. They treat me like I'm helpless, but I'm one of the strongest people there. I'd be the strongest, if... if you just gave me that damn Ra-Seru and let me go." (Context: "Once I defeated Gala, I would go traveling.")
「旅行する。あのところに引き篭るのは 大嫌いんだ。 あそこに、みんなは俺が無力って 思うけど、俺が屈指 の強い僧兵だ。１番強い、だったら... だったら、そあ ﾌラ・セルを俺に持って、俺を許したら。」
-
"What?" (Context: "What did you just say?")
「なんだって？」
-
"You... You want me to kill kids?"
「きさま... きさま、子らを殺してほしいのかい？」
-
"Help you how?"
「きさまを助けるって、どういうんだ？」
-
"You mean because you'll kill me." (Context: "You mean because you'll kill me if I don't agree to join forces with you.")
「俺を殺すからんだろう。」
-
"Fine. I'll join (forces with) you. Give me the Ra-Seru... sir."
「よいぜ。きさまと組になるぞ。ラ・セルをよこしてく ... ださい。」
-
"Okay. Lor... Please give me the Ra-Seru, Mr. Cort." (Context: (was going to call him 'Lord Cort' but decided on 'Mr. Cort' at the last second)
「わかったんです。ラ・セルをよこしてください、コートさ... コートさん。」
-
"Songi." (Context: "My name is Songi.")
「ソンギです。」
-
"You knew I was planning to kill you, didn't you?"
「きさまを殺しといて、きさまがわかったんですな。」
-
"And you knew I'd change my mind once I had the Ra-Seru."
「ラ・セルを持った後で、俺、気持ちを変えて、それも わかったんですな。」
-
"Aren't you worried I'll turn on you later?"
「来日、俺はきさまをうらぎれるから、心配じゃねぇで すかい？」
-
"You're right... Mr. Cort."
「そうですな... コートさん。」
-
"You know that's not true, Mr. Cort. I want... much more than that." (Context: "I want much more than revenge on Gala.")
「そうじゃねぇだろう、コートさん。もっと... もっとほしいんです。」
-
"I want revenge on all of them. They all think I'm weak and pathetic. If they don't hate or pity me, they only tolerate me or place me as second-best to Gala. I'll show them what a terrible mistake that was."
「どのあいつもを 仇を討ちてぇんです。あいつらは 俺がよわくて あわれって 思うんです。俺を大嫌いし なければし、あわれまなければし、俺を堪えるだけし、 ガラはもっと強いって 言うだけ。巨大な誤りが あい つらに見せるんです。」
-
"Yes, sir."
「はい。」
-
"I'll get you eventually too, Cort. I promise you that." (Context: (talking to himself) "I'll kill/beat/strike down Cort some day when I get the chance.")
「きさまも いつか潰すぜ、コート。それは やくそくだ。」
-
"Like you care." (Context: (talking to himself) "You don't care if I'm all right or not, despite what you say.")
「きさまら 心配しやがるんじゃねぇな。」
-
"Never better." (Context: (in response to being asked if he's all right) "I've never felt better/more healthy than I do now.")
「もっと大丈夫だ。」
~~~
Some notes about the character's speaking patterns: He compresses his speech and uses a lot of slang, as well as impolite/masculine colloquial terms. He's very rude, talks down to most people, and his idea of being formal is just adding desu or n'desu to the ends of his sentences. If it's not too much trouble, please also be sure to tell me why a thing I wrote is wrong, either in terms of grammar or in terms of being too literal. I really want to improve.
