please correct my writing...

amip · 22 Oct 2006

☝ Hi, I'm a university student in Kyoto and studying academic writtings. I want to correct my following short essay, can someone tell me the faults of this?

What I think about Japanese is that most of us are missing the reason why they live for, and the way they live in this peaceful and plentiful country. Simultaneously to their lack of the guide, the global significant changes are emerging in Japan and the world, and becoming problems to resolve immediately. Thus these critical issues flood into and will swallow us.

Japanese text is below.
（平和で豊かな生活を、多くの日本人は、自分が何のために生きているのか、どのように生きていきたいのかを、見失いつつあるように思われます。そして、その間にも、日本国内や世界のみならず地球規模での大きな変化が日々生起し、解決すべき問題となって私たちの元に押し寄せてきます。）
If you castigate my essay, I cannot be too grateful to you!!

Koyaanisqatsi · 23 Oct 2006

Hi, I'm new here, looking to meet friends, and to learn some Japanese. I'd like to help you if I can. Your essay is fine as far as the meanings it conveys, the only problem is just the order you put some of the words. This is how I would've written it to make the words flow a little bit better:

What I think an issue is with most Japanese people is that most of us are missing the reasons we live for in this peaceful and plentiful country. As well as having a lack of meaning, the significant changes that are occuring in Japan, as well as the world at large, are problems that need to be resolved immediately. These issues can not be ignored or they will flood in and overwhelm us all in the long run.

If you want to know why I changed certain things I would be more than willing to explain anything.
-Philip

fritzmonkey · 3 Nov 2006

I had some trouble interpreting your message but I think this stays true to the idea you are trying to convey.

I think that most Japanese people are forgetting the reasons why they live, and the reasons for the way they live, in this peaceful and plentiful country.
This is causing globally significant changes that are not only effecting Japan. These problems need to be solved immediately. We will become absorbed in these critical issues, and they will overwhelm us as time goes on.

moofs · 3 Nov 2006

Here's my stab at it...

For us Japanese, we are losing sight of what we live for, and how we want to live our lives, in this peaceful and plentiful country. In addition to our lack of guidance, the effects of the changes in the world at large are emerging in Japan and the rest of the world. These problems must be resolved immediately or the flood it creates will swallow us in the end.

I've always been told that it is not good to put things like "I think" or "In my opinion" in essays because the essay itself is your opinion, no need to explicity state that as it will make you look pretentious. And I just thought that since you used "us" in the beginning, it would be best if the essay was written from the view of a Japanese.

Kyoko_desu · 3 Nov 2006

moofs said:
I've always been told that it is not good to put things like "I think" or "In my opinion" in essays because the essay itself is your opinion, no need to explicity state that as it will make you look pretentious. And I just thought that since you used "us" in the beginning, it would be best if the essay was written from the view of a Japanese.

Wow, I'm learningﾂ alot.

By the way, I've been always wondering the difference between the words "problem" and "issue". They are both 窶禿｢窶佚ｨ in Japanese. Can anyone clarify the difference? Or are they interchangeable?

amip-san, please don't take me trying to hijack your thread. I thought you might want to know this as well.

Glenn · 3 Nov 2006

I think that "issue" is more of a psychological problem that's deep-seeded and long-term, where a "problem" isn't so permanent. Lately, however, it seems that "issue" has come to be a more watered-down version of "problem," i.e., not quite as strong, so it's used when you don't want to say that there is a real problem.

Come to think of it, I suppose it has both meanings, depending on context. "He has some real mother issues," would be the psychological version, whereas "we seem to have an issue with the gas tank," would be the second usage. That's my sense of the word.

Kyoko_desu · 3 Nov 2006

窶堙≫?堙??堋ｱ窶堙??堙債、some real mother issues 窶堙≫?堙??堋｢窶堋､窶堙?、ﾆ筑ﾆ旦ﾆ坦ﾆ停?懌?堙昶?堋ｽ窶堋｢窶堙按青ｸﾂ神窶廬窶堙遺?禿｢窶佚ｨ窶堙ｰ窶堋ｳ窶堋ｵ窶堙?、
窶堙?窶堋ｵ窶堙?窶堋ｱ窶堙ｪ窶堙ｰﾂ、mother('s) problem 窶堙?鞘?倪?堋ｫﾅ?ﾂｷ窶堋ｦ窶堙ｩ窶堙?、窶堋ｿ窶堙･窶堙≫?堙??凪?督｡窶堋ｪ窶｢ﾃ鞘?堙ｭ窶堙≫?堙??堋ｭ窶堙ｩ窶ｰﾃや?拿ﾂ青ｫ窶堋ｪ窶堋?窶堙ｨ窶堙懌?堋ｷ窶堋ｩﾂ？

窶氾｡窶堋ｦ窶堙篠、窶堋ｨ窶｢ﾃｪ窶堋ｳ窶堙ｱ窶堙娯?｢a窶ｹC窶堙??堋ｩﾂ、窶堋ｨ窶｢ﾃｪ窶堋ｳ窶堙ｱ窶堙娯?ｹﾃ?窶婁窶廬窶禿｢窶佚ｨ窶堙??堋ｩ窶堋ｾ窶堙?、mother('s) problem 窶堙娯?｢ﾃｻ窶堋ｪ窶堙停?堙≫?堋ｽ窶堙ｨ窶堋ｫ窶堙懌?堋ｷ窶堋ｩﾂ？

Glenn · 3 Nov 2006

Interesting question. Yeah, I think you're right on about that. When I first read "mother('s) problem" I thought of things like the examples that you gave.

Kyoko_desu · 3 Nov 2006

Glenn-san, thank you very much!

Supervin · 4 Nov 2006

For an academic essay at university, this would be my take on it:

It is submitted that we, the Japanese people, are losing sight of the purpose of living and the way of life in this peaceful and plentiful country. At the same time, due to the lack of guidance, significant changes are emerging in Japan and the rest of the world, which are becoming problems that need immediate resolution. Consequently, these critical issues flood and envelop us.

Note: The given English text was the basis and I did not go into the accuracy of the Japanese-English translation.

If you decide to use the first-person, use 'I argue' or 'I submit that...' I usually prefer 'It is submitted...' Don't use 'I think' or 'In my opinion...' Other alternatives include 'It can be argued that...'

Basically, 'issue' is more severe and long-term than 'problem', but most academics often use 'issue' for the sake of emphasizing their argument.

Kyoko_desu · 4 Nov 2006

Supervin said:
Basically, 'issue' is more severe and long-term than 'problem', but most academics often use 'issue' for the sake of emphasizing their argument.

Thanks for the clarification, Supervin-san.

amip · 5 Nov 2006

Thank you everyone.

I could learn and think deeply good English writings by this thread. The advice of not using "I think" or "in my opinion" is new to me, and differences between "problem" and "issue" are very beneficial information, so I cannot be too grateful to you.

fritzmonkey · 17 Nov 2006

Supervin said:
For an academic essay at university, this would be my take on it:
It is submitted that we, the Japanese people, are losing sight of the purpose of living and the way of life in this peaceful and plentiful country. At the same time, due to the lack of guidance, significant changes are emerging in Japan and the rest of the world, which are becoming problems that need immediate resolution. Consequently, these critical issues flood and envelop us.
Note: The given English text was the basis and I did not go into the accuracy of the Japanese-English translation.
If you decide to use the first-person, use 'I argue' or 'I submit that...' I usually prefer 'It is submitted...' Don't use 'I think' or 'In my opinion...' Other alternatives include 'It can be argued that...'
Basically, 'issue' is more severe and long-term than 'problem', but most academics often use 'issue' for the sake of emphasizing their argument.

Why not use "I think" or "in my opinion"? If the question says, "what do you think about widgets?", Your answer isn't going to be, "widgets are stupid", because it presents it as fact. The same is true for "It can be argued that...". If the question asks for your opinion you need to make it clear to the reader that its only your opinion. Especially if you are answering a question because the reader may not always know what the question was.
All of this is, of course, my opinion. (And I don't really think that widgets are stupid.)

please correct my writing...

amip

後輩

Koyaanisqatsi

Philip

fritzmonkey

後輩

moofs

先輩

Kyoko_desu

先輩

Glenn

一切皆苦

Kyoko_desu

先輩

Glenn

一切皆苦

Kyoko_desu

先輩

Supervin

先輩

Kyoko_desu

先輩

amip

後輩

fritzmonkey

後輩

Similar threads