Original Haiku
- Thread starter cacawate
- Start date
Leroy_Brown
後輩
- 18 Feb 2005
- 222
- 2
hara hette
tabe ni ittara
shimatteta
tabe ni ittara
shimatteta
Loyalist
I follow the strong
- 30 Apr 2005
- 33
- 0
covered in arrows
he stood like a statue, still
none woud dare to pass
it was inspired by a samurai story i read (supposed to be true)
about a retainer who stood gaurd while his master commited seppuku in the room behind him. the enemy troops killed him but his death face was so feirce and his spear pevented him from falling they thought he was still alive.
he stood like a statue, still
none woud dare to pass
it was inspired by a samurai story i read (supposed to be true)
about a retainer who stood gaurd while his master commited seppuku in the room behind him. the enemy troops killed him but his death face was so feirce and his spear pevented him from falling they thought he was still alive.
Shooter452
先輩
- 5 Jan 2005
- 182
- 6
The result of answering too many domestic squabbles...
"I don't believe in
"Divorce, although I do in
"Spousal homicide."
I wrote that in night school, while a working LEO. The NOW gang on campus was seriously all over my case thinking that I was endorsing spousal abuse and murder. It was only an observation of existing conditions I had seen (have seen). They would not listen. Go figure! Talk about over-reaction!
My haiku was selected for the school literary publication, so it was not so bad. At least it fit the 5-7-5 format and could be uttered in one breath. But still my car was vandalized several times thereafter.
Some campuses were (are) more dangerous than the street.
Homines quod volunt credunt
"I don't believe in
"Divorce, although I do in
"Spousal homicide."
I wrote that in night school, while a working LEO. The NOW gang on campus was seriously all over my case thinking that I was endorsing spousal abuse and murder. It was only an observation of existing conditions I had seen (have seen). They would not listen. Go figure! Talk about over-reaction!
My haiku was selected for the school literary publication, so it was not so bad. At least it fit the 5-7-5 format and could be uttered in one breath. But still my car was vandalized several times thereafter.
Some campuses were (are) more dangerous than the street.
Homines quod volunt credunt
- 8 Nov 2003
- 92
- 13
Hi,
I don't usually revive "dead posts", but I've been working on a haiku for close to three months and thought this would be a good spot to place my work and questions.
I've really tried to do some studying on it.
I am making a garden and the ground doesn't hold water permanently. Only during the spring rains. Over the years, the rains had washed out a small channel in the ground. I dug this out larger to form a stream-like bed that will be lined with stones and planted with Iris. The larger 900- 1,500 Lb stones were moved into place this past weekend. I will line the bottom with pebbles at a later time.
In some online searches about Japanese gardens, I found that some garden ornamentation is important. Some use "poetry stones" - stones with engraved or painted-on haiku or tanka. I was thinking of doing that.
Since this plant bed will resemble a stream and we have lots of deer around a passage came to mind...
I hope I don't offend anyone. It is Psalms 42:1
"As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants after you, God."
I want to keep the haiku traditional in structure.
Since the streams flow the most during the spring in Japan from the melting snow off of the mountains, does "stream" count as my season word?
I don't know if I have a "cutting word" or not though?
I have come up with a couple variations. Neither of which do I know if they are correct or not.
Tanka:
(original kanji ) 鹿が乾いた河床に向かってあえぐように神よ、わが魂もあなたに向かってあえぐ
(romaji) shika ga kawai ta kawadoko ni mukatte aegu you ni kami yo, waga tamashii mo ana ta ni mukatte aegu
tanka?
鹿が乾い (5?)
河床に向かって (7?)
あえぐように神 (5?)
よ、わが魂もあな (7?)
たに向かってあえぐ (7?) (but, should end with a particle?)
haiku?
神阿
我的心切
鹿切水
kami omone
ware teki shin setsu
shika kirimizu
I read somewhere that the written and pronounced syllable count can vary from one another. That confused me a bit. So I don't know if either of these really adhere to the 5-7-5 and 5-7-5-7-7 counts or not. Or if there is a better way to write it out so that it works, adheres to proper form and uses the traditional simple grammar?
Thank you for any insight that any of you may be able to give on constructing a proper haiku or tanka.
I don't usually revive "dead posts", but I've been working on a haiku for close to three months and thought this would be a good spot to place my work and questions.
I've really tried to do some studying on it.
I am making a garden and the ground doesn't hold water permanently. Only during the spring rains. Over the years, the rains had washed out a small channel in the ground. I dug this out larger to form a stream-like bed that will be lined with stones and planted with Iris. The larger 900- 1,500 Lb stones were moved into place this past weekend. I will line the bottom with pebbles at a later time.
In some online searches about Japanese gardens, I found that some garden ornamentation is important. Some use "poetry stones" - stones with engraved or painted-on haiku or tanka. I was thinking of doing that.
Since this plant bed will resemble a stream and we have lots of deer around a passage came to mind...
I hope I don't offend anyone. It is Psalms 42:1
"As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants after you, God."
I want to keep the haiku traditional in structure.
Since the streams flow the most during the spring in Japan from the melting snow off of the mountains, does "stream" count as my season word?
I don't know if I have a "cutting word" or not though?
I have come up with a couple variations. Neither of which do I know if they are correct or not.
Tanka:
(original kanji ) 鹿が乾いた河床に向かってあえぐように神よ、わが魂もあなたに向かってあえぐ
(romaji) shika ga kawai ta kawadoko ni mukatte aegu you ni kami yo, waga tamashii mo ana ta ni mukatte aegu
tanka?
鹿が乾い (5?)
河床に向かって (7?)
あえぐように神 (5?)
よ、わが魂もあな (7?)
たに向かってあえぐ (7?) (but, should end with a particle?)
haiku?
神阿
我的心切
鹿切水
kami omone
ware teki shin setsu
shika kirimizu
I read somewhere that the written and pronounced syllable count can vary from one another. That confused me a bit. So I don't know if either of these really adhere to the 5-7-5 and 5-7-5-7-7 counts or not. Or if there is a better way to write it out so that it works, adheres to proper form and uses the traditional simple grammar?
Thank you for any insight that any of you may be able to give on constructing a proper haiku or tanka.
Last edited by a moderator:
epigene
相変わらず不束者です
- 10 Nov 2004
- 4,354
- 179
Hi Indiana Gardener!
Although I'm not a haiku/tanka enthusiast, I know just enough to tell you that the breakdown into 5-7-5 or 5-7-5-7-7 cannot be done artificially, breaking up phrases and combined words as you had attempted in your post. Breakup into 5- or 7-syllable lines has to be logical in Japanese.
Logically, it must be broken up into:
鹿が / 乾いた河床に / 向かって / あえぐように / 神よ、 / わが魂も / あなたに / 向かって / あえぐ
Of course, some of them can be combined. Turning this into haiku/tanka form is something only a haiku/tanka veteran or expert can do.
The official translation of Psalms 42:1 is:
鹿が谷川の水を慕いあえぐように、わが魂は主を求める
(Shika ga tanigawa no mizu wo shitai aegu you ni, waga tamashii wa shu wo motomeru.)
I think this is good as it is, though not haiku/tanka.
HTH!
Although I'm not a haiku/tanka enthusiast, I know just enough to tell you that the breakdown into 5-7-5 or 5-7-5-7-7 cannot be done artificially, breaking up phrases and combined words as you had attempted in your post. Breakup into 5- or 7-syllable lines has to be logical in Japanese.
Logically, it must be broken up into:
鹿が / 乾いた河床に / 向かって / あえぐように / 神よ、 / わが魂も / あなたに / 向かって / あえぐ
Of course, some of them can be combined. Turning this into haiku/tanka form is something only a haiku/tanka veteran or expert can do.
The official translation of Psalms 42:1 is:
鹿が谷川の水を慕いあえぐように、わが魂は主を求める
(Shika ga tanigawa no mizu wo shitai aegu you ni, waga tamashii wa shu wo motomeru.)
I think this is good as it is, though not haiku/tanka.
HTH!
- 8 Nov 2003
- 92
- 13
Thanks Epigene
I'm coming along then, a little bit... at least I learned the word for deer. LOL
I have taken notes and I'm going back to the drawing board
Thanks.
P.S.
It does a bit. Each line must be a whole though without interruption? That makes the use of a "cutting word" more clear to me.
I'm coming along then, a little bit... at least I learned the word for deer. LOL
I have taken notes and I'm going back to the drawing board
Thanks.
P.S.
Is there any such person here who would do this in exchange for anything - garden plants and/or seeds... a book on Japanese Long-Tail Poultry, etc?
- 8 Nov 2003
- 92
- 13
Thanks Epigene! I noticed that each hiragana is a syllable. That is easy enough to remember. I know that tanka and haiku don't rhyme, but that kind of has a nice flow to it between lines 1 and 4 and also lines 3 and 5. Good job 
Also, I forgot to post this. It's a long form of a translation I found (perhaps not correct, but different).
ﾅｽﾂｭ窶堋ｪ窶價ﾂ静ｬ窶堙娯?板ｬ窶堙ｪ窶堙ｰ窶｢ﾃｧ窶堋｢窶堋?窶堋ｦ窶堋ｮ窶堙ｦ窶堋､窶堙可、ﾂ神窶堙ｦﾂ。ﾅｽ窶樞?堙娯?堋ｽ窶堙懌?堋ｵ窶堋｢窶堙坂?堋?窶堙 窶堋ｽ窶堙ｰ窶｢ﾃｧ窶堋｢窶堋?窶堋ｦ窶堋ｬ窶堙懌?堋ｷﾂ。ﾅｽ窶樞?堙娯?堋ｽ窶堙懌?堋ｵ窶堋｢窶堙債、ﾂ神窶堙ｰﾂ、ﾂ青ｶ窶堋ｯ窶堙ｩﾂ神窶堙ｰ窶ｹﾂ≫?堙溪?堙 ﾅ?窶ｰ窶堋｢窶堙??堋｢窶堙懌?堋ｷﾂ。窶堋｢窶堙つ、ﾅｽ窶樞?堙債行窶堙≫?堙?、ﾂ神窶堙固津､窶楼窶堙可出窶堙懌?堋ｵ窶堙･窶堋､窶堋ｩﾂ。
shika ga tanigawa no nagare o shitai aegu you ni, kami yo. watashi no tama shii ha ana
ta o shitai aegi masu. watashi no tama shii ha, kami o, ikeru kami o motome te
kawai te i masu. i tsu, watashi ha okonatte, kami no omae ni de masho u ka.
Thanks!
I noticed that each hiragana is a syllable. That is easy enough to remember. I know that tanka and haiku don't rhyme, but that kind of has a nice flow to it between lines 1 and 4 and also lines 3 and 5. Good job Also, I forgot to post this. It's a long form of a translation I found (perhaps not correct, but different).
ﾅｽﾂｭ窶堋ｪ窶價ﾂ静ｬ窶堙娯?板ｬ窶堙ｪ窶堙ｰ窶｢ﾃｧ窶堋｢窶堋?窶堋ｦ窶堋ｮ窶堙ｦ窶堋､窶堙可、ﾂ神窶堙ｦﾂ。ﾅｽ窶樞?堙娯?堋ｽ窶堙懌?堋ｵ窶堋｢窶堙坂?堋?窶堙 窶堋ｽ窶堙ｰ窶｢ﾃｧ窶堋｢窶堋?窶堋ｦ窶堋ｬ窶堙懌?堋ｷﾂ。ﾅｽ窶樞?堙娯?堋ｽ窶堙懌?堋ｵ窶堋｢窶堙債、ﾂ神窶堙ｰﾂ、ﾂ青ｶ窶堋ｯ窶堙ｩﾂ神窶堙ｰ窶ｹﾂ≫?堙溪?堙 ﾅ?窶ｰ窶堋｢窶堙??堋｢窶堙懌?堋ｷﾂ。窶堋｢窶堙つ、ﾅｽ窶樞?堙債行窶堙≫?堙?、ﾂ神窶堙固津､窶楼窶堙可出窶堙懌?堋ｵ窶堙･窶堋､窶堋ｩﾂ。
shika ga tanigawa no nagare o shitai aegu you ni, kami yo. watashi no tama shii ha ana
ta o shitai aegi masu. watashi no tama shii ha, kami o, ikeru kami o motome te
kawai te i masu. i tsu, watashi ha okonatte, kami no omae ni de masho u ka.
Thanks!
- 8 Nov 2003
- 92
- 13
I think it's a very good too. I've been looking at engraving info online. I found one place that only charges $1 per character. Not bad at all. I need to contact the local company to see what they charge and if they can program a Japanese font into their machine. I hope that they can!
However, if they can't... is painting-on very traditional?
Thanks
However, if they can't... is painting-on very traditional?
Thanks
epigene
相変わらず不束者です
- 10 Nov 2004
- 4,354
- 179
It looks great when carved in stone, but painting should be just fine.
Personally, I think that the best thing to do is to ask a good calligrapher to write it for you. It doesn't have to be a professional, just someone who is good at Japanese handwriting.
How about asking an old lady in Japan?? *wink*
Personally, I think that the best thing to do is to ask a good calligrapher to write it for you. It doesn't have to be a professional, just someone who is good at Japanese handwriting.
How about asking an old lady in Japan?? *wink*
- 8 Nov 2003
- 92
- 13
Calligraphy had crossed my mind, but I didn't know of anyone... then again, maybe I do. I'd not thought of that.
The next obstacle would be programing that into a laser engraver since it wouldn't be an actual font. I know that they can do photos into stone now. So maybe it could be done that way.
Thanks for the idea!
The next obstacle would be programing that into a laser engraver since it wouldn't be an actual font. I know that they can do photos into stone now. So maybe it could be done that way.
Thanks for the idea!
Aurura
Reaching out...
- 14 Nov 2008
- 367
- 6
Lighting of the Spring
Pleads for its legacy in
The summer's thunder.
- Aurura
Though I know this is not in traditional Japanese writing (kanji/hirangana), but seeing as I'm not quite able to create one at that high a level (for me) yet, I just thought I'd put a simple English one up there. I hope it's alright..
Pleads for its legacy in
The summer's thunder.
- Aurura
Though I know this is not in traditional Japanese writing (kanji/hirangana), but seeing as I'm not quite able to create one at that high a level (for me) yet, I just thought I'd put a simple English one up there. I hope it's alright..
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