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den4

先輩
15 Nov 2002
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Our Tenth Child

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
窶廛ear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But窶ヲI must know, did he have a different father?窶
窶弋he wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
窶弸es. Yes he did.窶
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than hea had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, 窶弩ho? Who was he? Who was the father?窶
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, 窶弸ou.窶

Pay The Man

Walking up to a department store窶冱 fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, 窶廬 want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?窶
窶廾nly one kiss per yard,窶 replied the smirking male clerk.
窶弋hat窶冱 fine,窶 replied the girl. 窶廬窶冤l take ten yards.窶
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
窶廨randpa will pay the bill,窶 she smiled.

Monkey

A woman was sitting on a stool in a bar. She was fat, and holding a monkey. A man came in and sat on the stool next to her.
Man: Why are you with a pig?
Woman: It窶冱 not a pig. It窶冱 a monkey.
Man: I窶冦 not talking to you; I窶冦 talking to the monkey.

Why?

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, 窶廴om, why have I got these huge three toed feet?窶
The mother replies, 窶弩ell, son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.窶
窶廾k,窶 said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, 窶廴om, why have I got these great long eyelashes?窶
窶弋hey are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.窶
窶弋hanks, Mom,窶 replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, 窶廴om, why have I got these great big humps on my back?窶
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, 窶弋hey are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.窶
窶弋hat窶冱 great, Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom窶ヲ窶
窶弸es, son?窶
窶弩hy the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?窶

Not Done Yet

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years younger.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the 窶徇iracle窶 products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, 窶廩on, honestly now, what age would you say I am?窶
窶廩e nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, 窶弩ell, hon, judging form your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.窶
窶廾h, you窶决e so sweet!窶
窶弩ell, hang on, I窶冦 not done adding it up yet.窶

Why go to med school?

A pipe burst in a doctor窶冱 house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, 窶弋his is ridiculous! I don窶冲 even make that much as a doctor!窶
窶弋he plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, 窶廸either did I when I was a doctor.窶

Comparing Notes

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
窶廬 started a new practice last year,窶 the first one said. 窶廬 insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.窶
窶弩hy in the world would you do that?窶 the other asked.
She responded, 窶廬t窶冱 the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.窶

Sign, Sign everywhere a Sign

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and posted a huge sign which read: BEST DEALS!
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading: LOWEST PRICES!
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: MAIN ENTRANCE.

Your Dog?

A man went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a beer. A few minutes later, another fellow walked in and said, 窶廬s that your dog outside?窶
窶弸es. What of it?窶
窶廬窶冦 sorry, but I think my dog may have killed him.窶
窶弩hat kind of dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?窶
窶弩ell, he窶冱 a Chihuahua.窶
窶廩a! How can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?窶
窶廬 think he may have gotten stuck in his throat.窶

Third Wish

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, 窶廣nd what will your third wish be?窶
The man looked at the genie and said, 窶廩uh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven窶冲 had a first of second wish yet?窶
窶弸ou have had two wishes already,窶 the genie said, 窶彙ut your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.窶
窶廾kay,窶 said the man. 窶廬 don窶冲 believe this, but what the heck. I wish I could live with Lucy forever.窶
窶廡unny,窶 said the genie as it granted his wish. 窶弋hat was your first wish, too!窶 and disappeared forever.


Cookies

An old man was lying on his death-bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world. With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs, then down the stairs and into the kitchen.
There, his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.
窶廰eave them alone!窶 she said. 窶弋hey窶决e for the funeral!窶

The Diet

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risquテゥ-picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman. 窶廴om, what窶冱 this?窶 I asked.
窶廾h, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,窶 she answered.
窶廬s it working?窶 I asked.
窶弸es and no,窶 she explained. 窶廬窶况e lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!窶

Praying For The Gift

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
窶廬 PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE窶ヲ窶
窶廬 PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO窶ヲ窶
窶廬 PRAY FOR A NEW VCR窶ヲ窶
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, 窶弩hy are you shouting your prayers? God isn窶冲 deaf.窶
To which the little brother replied, 窶廸o, but Grandpa is!窶

An Angel

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
窶廛one!窶 says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, al heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, 窶彜ay something.窶
The dean signs and says, 窶廬 should have taken the money.窶

Outrunning

Two men are hiking in the mountains. One suddenly stops, removes his hiking boots, and starts putting on sneakers. The other asks why he is doing that.
The first man answers, 窶廬 thought I heard a bear.窶
The second argues, 窶弸ou can窶冲 outrun a bear, not even with sneakers.窶
The first responds, 窶廬 just need to outrun YOU!窶

A Job Hunter

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, 窶弩hat is three times even?窶
窶?2,窶 Rick replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realized he wouldn窶冲 get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, 窶弩ell, you were the closest.窶

Before it starts

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, 窶廨et me a beer before it starts.窶
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, 窶廨et me another beer before it starts.窶
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later, says, 窶弉uick, get me another beer, it窶冱 going to start any minute.窶
The wife is furious. She yells at him, 窶廬s that all you窶决e going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You窶决e nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore窶ヲ窶
The man signs and says, 窶廬t窶冱 started.窶

Aging and Marriage

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and Boom! She had tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband窶冱 turn. He paused for a moment then said, shyly, 窶弩ell, I窶囘 like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.窶
The fairy picked up her wand and Boom!
He was 90.

A dollar per point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, 窶廣 dollar per point.窶
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny comes home from school at the end of a term from school with his report card. The report card has all D窶冱 and F窶冱.
His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that everyone in his class did poorly, not just him.
窶廝ut what about David down the street,窶 they said, 窶徂e brought home all A窶冱 and B窶冱.窶
窶弩ell David is different,窶 he retorted.
窶廩ow so?窶 his father asked.
窶廚uz his parents are smart!窶

Husband and Wife

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the main in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, 窶廬窶冦 sorry to bother you, but I窶冦 awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?窶
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, 窶廬 have a better idea. Just for tonight let窶冱 pretend that we are married.窶
The man happily says, 窶廾k. Brilliant!窶
The woman says, 窶廨ood窶ヲget your own blanket.窶
 
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