Long-distance relationship with a Japanese girl.

Hello everyone and happy new year! This is my first post here so, sorry if anything I'll be saying has been already covered.
I'm a 24 year old guy from Europe and for the past month I've been talking with a girl from Japan and although our chat progresses pretty slowly, we seem to have a good connection! I myself have been learning Japanese for about 4 months and I can still barely hold a conversation even through chatting. It is thanks to Google translate I manage to get by with our conversations in Japanese. Of course I already know some stuff (almost N5 level) so I don't rely exclusively on it without filtering things, plus her replies are almost never instant so my texting speed has never been an issue. She, on the other hand, speaks decent English. Needless to say, we both met on a language exchange app, and now we have even exchanged LINE and Instagram profiles.

She has complimented me a couple of times. The other day, she said to me "you're cute" as a reply to something I said in Japanese which I reciprocated by saying that I think she's cute too. However things didn't escalate from there and our conversation is back to normal. But that's not the point.

The question is, is it really worth pursuing such a relationship? I don't plan to go to Japan for work in the near future or even for travel. So whatever hypothetical relationship could come out of this would be purely long-distance. Personally, I would really love the experience of having a Japanese girlfriend even under those circumstances, without any long-term commitment however, given the fact that it's not in my immediate plans to move anywhere. Of course by that I mean a normal exclusive long-distance relationship, just not one that will necessarily last. Like seeing how things go with no pressure.

About her, she seems to have a shy personality but she gradually keeps warming up to me. How do you think she would feel about such a possibility of a long term relationship? Do Japanese have a special point of view when it comes to long-distance relationships? Given that she (probably) doesn't have a boyfriend currently, would she be happy about "dating" me even without the prospect of seeing me anytime soon? Should I try to do do some sort of "Kokuhaku" despite my (at best) mediocre Japanese skills? Or should I just mention straight out my suggestion about starting a casual relationship and see how things will go? I really appreciate any feedback! Thank you all in advance!

Hi TK and welcome to the forum.

You need to visit her in Japan before you can get any good answers to your questions. If this is impossible (which you seem to be saying) then I suggest you forget any romance with this woman.

I agree. It's more of a fantasy than a relationship right now. Forget about developing a relationship any deeper than "chat buddy" right now.

If you have a firm plan to visit Japan in the near future, you could suggest going on a date when you get to Japan.

But to me, it sounds like she is just a nice person on a language exchange site. I would caution you against imagining anything deeper than this. "Cute" in Japanese often means something other than physical cuteness - especially if a girl is using it when talking about a guy. It could be something in your mannerism, the way you talk, that she finds charming, but its not necessarily an admission that she likes you or finds you attractive.

TK98 said:

Of course by that I mean a normal exclusive long-distance relationship, just not one that will necessarily last. Like seeing how things go with no pressure.

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Your question doesn't even make sense. Why would you even consider an exclusive relationship with somebody in this situation?
Continue your non-exclusive, non-romantic relationship and see where it goes. That is, see where it goes with no pressure and no expectation.
Even if it proceeded to some sort of online "dating" phase trying to lock it down into some sort of exclusivity doesn't make sense if you haven't met and don't have any plans to do so.

Buntaro said:

Hi TK and welcome to the forum.

You need to visit her in Japan before you can get any good answers to your questions. If this is impossible (which you seem to be saying) then I suggest you forget any romance with this woman.

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@Buntaro thanks for your answer! Well nothing is impossible, it's just very unlikely for me to go to Japan at least for the time being. I just hear about people having long distance relationships all the time so I don't mind the idea especially since I'm not dating anyone right now.

Majestic said:

I agree. It's more of a fantasy than a relationship right now. Forget about developing a relationship any deeper than "chat buddy" right now.

If you have a firm plan to visit Japan in the near future, you could suggest going on a date when you get to Japan.

But to me, it sounds like she is just a nice person on a language exchange site. I would caution you against imagining anything deeper than this. "Cute" in Japanese often means something other than physical cuteness - especially if a girl is using it when talking about a guy. It could be something in your mannerism, the way you talk, that she finds charming, but its not necessarily an admission that she likes you or finds you attractive.

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@Majestic thanks for your answer! It is a fantasy indeed. I view the whole thing mostly as an experienced since I'm not dating anyone else right now. Plus I just hear about people having long distance relationships all the time so I figured why not me.
As for the "kawaii" that Japanese girls say I understand that. I just got positive vibes and green lights other than that in general that's all.

mdchachi said:

Your question doesn't even make sense. Why would you even consider an exclusive relationship with somebody in this situation?
Continue your non-exclusive, non-romantic relationship and see where it goes. That is, see where it goes with no pressure and no expectation.
Even if it proceeded to some sort of online "dating" phase trying to lock it down into some sort of exclusivity doesn't make sense if you haven't met and don't have any plans to do so.

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@mdchachi I'd be totally ok leaving things as they are (friendly) in case she wasn't interested. But in the thousand to one chance that she is interested, I'd be knocking my head against the wall for not doing anything. As for the exclusive part, ok maybe I exaggerated a bit on this one, but a casual online dating relationship wouldn't be bad at all for me. One thing I hate more than anything is regretting chances I didn't take. But of course I see your point and thank you very much for sharing!

long distance with no intention to visit? you're basically asking her to role-play with you. each to their own I suppose but...

TK98 said:

One thing I hate more than anything is regretting chances I didn't take.

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lets say she IS interested in you, and you her. would you risk what might be by going through what breaks many couples; long distance?
you're learning Japanese so I assume you will go at some point. will she be a part of your reason for going? or a reason not to go?

An old man's thoughts. When I was young and madly in love with my Japanese girlfriend , I planned to marry her. I did not want to live in Japan for the rest of my life , so we talked about her moving to America. I just assumed she loved me and would leave Japan. Now when I look back on it , I see how selfish I was , asking her to leave everything she knew and her family and friends. Living in Maine , far from Japan , she probably never would have been able to return and her friends and family would not have been able to travel to Maine. When I returned to Maine , I spent 3 months trying to convince her to join me in Maine and finally gave up and moved on. Some lessons I learned were talking in Japanese or in English about deep personal feelings was almost impossible making a close loving relationship very difficult at times. After 2 years living in Japan there were still things to do with Japanese culture and everyday life I had trouble with adapting to. I can only imagine the trouble she would have had to getting used life in Maine , everything so different than in Japan. When I look back on our relationship then when I was living with her in Japan , it was doomed from the start and I was not smart enough to realize it. I would have been smarter just to have been her friend and not her lover. Being a pen pal friend might be the way to go without taking to a higher level.

ay frank. did you keep in touch with her? i kinda want to know how that played out.
i mean i know you found your wife after and had your happy ending but dis the japanese woman get hers?

I used to call her in Japan sometimes and wrote letters for a while. When I quit trying to contact her, she quit writing me. Then the city changed the street name and address of my parent's house , so if she did write it probably would have been returned to her. Also , she came from a very small town in Japan which was like the 1940's or 1950's and she spoke no English at all. I always wondered if she married a Japanese man , if she would have to keep her affair with a gaijin a secret as he might have considered it shameful. In 2003 I joined JREF with hopes of connecting with Japanese friends from 1970-72. I had about 20 close friends in Fukuoka , but never found any. Members here on JREF were so friendly and helpful , I've been here for almost 20 years. I'm guessing that at almost 73 years old , I've outlived the people I left behind in Japan. Cross culture love affairs don't always have happy endings , but some members here on JREF show they can work out.

IronDove said:

long distance with no intention to visit? you're basically asking her to role-play with you. each to their own I suppose but...

lets say she IS interested in you, and you her. would you risk what might be by going through what breaks many couples; long distance?
you're learning Japanese so I assume you will go at some point. will she be a part of your reason for going? or a reason not to go?

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@IronDove Thanks for the good points you shared. I've read many stories online about Japanese girls wanting to date a foreigner just for the sake of the experience. I don't mean to come off as shallow or anything but I do believe it's legit when both parties want to share the experience of an interracial relationship even if it's an ephemeral one. I understand that the distance adds another whole layer of complexity I'm just saying that personally I'd be up for it, even under these circumstances.

As for the rest, my learning Japanese has nothing to do with any immediate plans to visit Japan but of course I definitely plan to go there eventually at least as a tourist. That said, I'd like to think that any (improbable) eventual relationship would not interfere with my plans.

Uncle Frank said:

I used to call her in Japan sometimes and wrote letters for a while. When I quit trying to contact her, she quit writing me. Then the city changed the street name and address of my parent's house , so if she did write it probably would have been returned to her. Also , she came from a very small town in Japan which was like the 1940's or 1950's and she spoke no English at all. I always wondered if she married a Japanese man , if she would have to keep her affair with a gaijin a secret as he might have considered it shameful. In 2003 I joined JREF with hopes of connecting with Japanese friends from 1970-72. I had about 20 close friends in Fukuoka , but never found any. Members here on JREF were so friendly and helpful , I've been here for almost 20 years. I'm guessing that at almost 73 years old , I've outlived the people I left behind in Japan. Cross culture love affairs don't always have happy endings , but some members here on JREF show they can work out.

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@Uncle Frank I am sure you it must have been painful for you especially during that time. But as someone looking at this on the outside, I find it to be a life experience despite everything. I mean you lived in Japan for 2 years and even had the chance to date a Japanese woman. How many people live to say this? Of course this is just me. Maybe you went through stuff that I can't possibly imagine. Either way, thank you for sharing your story and I wish you all the best : )

TK98 said:

I'd be totally ok leaving things as they are (friendly) in case she wasn't interested. But in the thousand to one chance that she is interested, I'd be knocking my head against the wall for not doing anything. As for the exclusive part, ok maybe I exaggerated a bit on this one, but a casual online dating relationship wouldn't be bad at all for me. One thing I hate more than anything is regretting chances I didn't take. But of course I see your point and thank you very much for sharing!

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By all means, it wouldn't hurt to try. You don't want to end up with regrets. Of course there's a risk that she'll get uncomfortable and shut down the relationship you have. On the other hand, she may want to enjoy a long distance fantasy relationship as well.

TK98 said:

I've read many stories online about Japanese girls wanting to date a foreigner just for the sake of the experience.

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This is a true, they are out there.

mdchachi said:

By all means, it wouldn't hurt to try. You don't want to end up with regrets. Of course there's a risk that she'll get uncomfortable and shut down the relationship you have. On the other hand, she may want to enjoy a long distance fantasy relationship as well.

This is a true, they are out there.

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The risk of her getting uncomfortable and disappearing altogether is real and it's the only concern that's stopping me really. I guess I'll just have to play it safe by reading the atmosphere some more and proceed accordingly.

hell if you're both sentient adults looking to experience something, go all in and come to an agreement. i weirdly have a gut feeling that itll be the best decision you made. a gut feeling from nothing but text... maybe its hope or idealism or something, maybe i just want you to have a happy ending but if you do take the word of internet strangers to heart, i 100% say make the move. absolutely.

as for frank, **** man zero out of twenty and a lost former lover, then 30 years of nothing and 20 finding a new family (kind of)? thats one of the most bittersweet lives ive heard of, fact or fiction. i really hope your golden years play out like gold and you find a surviving old friend from japans golden era to sweeten your deal if you will. either way, i look forward to knowing more about you. you (both) seem like you will and have lived enriched lives.

edit: i just realised the censorship. is that a bannable offence? i remember a point system being at play here

oh double edit: thanks uncle frank for the profile pic. i still love it

mdchachi said:

By all means, it wouldn't hurt to try. You don't want to end up with regrets. Of course there's a risk that she'll get uncomfortable and shut down the relationship you have. On the other hand, she may want to enjoy a long distance fantasy relationship as well.

This is a true, they are out there.

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There's also a type of young Japanese woman who studies English hard because she is dying to escape from what she sees as an oppressive culture, and such women tend to be quite open to the idea of a non-Japanese boyfriend. I recently read (perhaps on this forum) that the number of young Japanese people applying for working holiday visas in Australia is rocketing.