LDR (United States and Japan)

[drawwwws]

I had a question regarding long-distance relationships in Japan. For context, I am a 22 Male that studied abroad in Japan. While I was there, I developed feelings for a student at the university I studied abroad at. We actually confessed our feelings one day before my flight to the United States. While I was back in the states, we called everyday and she officially asked me out on January 1st and I agreed to do long distance with her. She also came to visit me at my university for three weeks in the United States around March.

After she went back home, she started her full time job in April and I can tell she was very busy with training and on the job training. She's been growing super distant, texting me back once per 1-2 days and we would even go through periods where we wouldn't call for 2 weeks. I tried bringing it up to her, but she always emphasizes that she is a full-time worker and wants to focus on that and that I am a student. And that it's a bit childlish to expect on the dot text message considering how busy she is. I tried understanding her perspective more, as I know Japanese have a very work-centered life style and that it's important to them. She's on a Work 5 day schedule, then one day off. I would expect her to reach out to call on her days off, but she's busy hanging out with her friends. A recent example is that on her day off, she was drinking at a dart bar with another man and woman. Usually, I don't care about her hanging out, but I'm really bothered by her lack of effort (EX: not updating our shared calendar, never initiating calls). When we do call and I bring it up, she gets upset, saying it stresses her out and that I'm making her feel guilty. Is this a cultural difference? Why does it feel as if she legit lost feelings? I always ask her if she ever thought of breaking up, if she's ever bored, and she just says no. After one of our discussions, I agreed to be more independent, but I asked her if she was still committed to this relationship. I don't want a relationship where we put each other on pause, see each other and reignite some passion, and put it on pause again. But she was affirmative in that she was committed to our relationship. I thought this was really important, as I am currently applying to medical school and we might have to do long distance for a while (but plan on visiting her within a year maximum). It seems that she does want this relationship to keep going? Another thing that bothered me is that she refuses to post about me on her social media, but at the same time, follows all of my American friends. There was one time for her birthday, I posted on my story a photo of us and wished her a happy birthday. Her friend did one as well, but she only reposted her friends ... I didn't know how to feel about that. What should I do in this situation?

Are there any ways I can bring this up to her (like some Japanese phrases or ways where I can address the issue?)

 

[Grandpa Frank]

Sometimes you just have to "know when to fold em". I lived with my Japanese girlfriend for over a year. The plan was when I returned to the states and got a job and place for us to live , she would join me. I spent 3 months on the phone with her and tons of letters before I gave up and realized it was never going to happen. Sometimes long distance relationships just peter out. I do wish you luck though , and sometimes love does conquer all. Hopefully someone here will have better advice.

 

[Majestic]

When we do call and I bring it up, she gets upset, saying it stresses her out and that I'm making her feel guilty. Is this a cultural difference?

It sounds like a perfect example of her communicating something to you, but you are not hearing it. Or, you are not hearing it correctly. I don't think its cultural. She is telling you that she doesn't want to be obligated to call you every day or every week. She is telling you that your desire for more frequent communication is a source of stress for her. I think you should believe her, and give her some more space. And, it sounds like you already agreed to give her some space and for you to become more independent. This is good for both of you. Now it is time to become more independent and stop looking for ways to interact with her and change her behavior.

And ask yourself; would I still feel connected to her even if we only chatted once a month, or once every two months? If your answer is yes, then great. If you must have more frequent communication, however, then this isn't the girl for you. There is no magic phrase in English or Japanese that will suddenly make her communicate more frequently with you.

Let me say another way: you are trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. It is not healthy.
You know the cliche: if you love someone, set them free. One way to show her how much you love her is by giving her the freedom to call/contact you whenever she likes, even if its only once a month.

Regarding social media frequency and cross-posting and tagging and liking. Ignore it. Social media is not real life. I know it is too tempting to analyze her social media life, but really it is just pixels on a screen, and you shouldn't obsess over it. If she thinks you want to control her "reposting" she will be rightly annoyed. We can't help but become jealous sometimes...but we can understand jealousy as a toxic presence, and try to moderate its influence.

 

[drawwwws]

It sounds like a perfect example of her communicating something to you, but you are not hearing it. Or, you are not hearing it correctly. I don't think its cultural. She is telling you that she doesn't want to be obligated to call you every day or every week. She is telling you that your desire for more frequent communication is a source of stress for her. I think you should believe her, and give her some more space. And, it sounds like you already agreed to give her some space and for you to become more independent. This is good for both of you. Now it is time to become more independent and stop looking for ways to interact with her and change her behavior.

And ask yourself; would I still feel connected to her even if we only chatted once a month, or once every two months? If your answer is yes, then great. If you must have more frequent communication, however, then this isn't the girl for you. There is no magic phrase in English or Japanese that will suddenly make her communicate more frequently with you.

Let me say another way: you are trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. It is not healthy.
You know the cliche: if you love someone, set them free. One way to show her how much you love her is by giving her the freedom to call/contact you whenever she likes, even if its only once a month.

Regarding social media frequency and cross-posting and tagging and liking. Ignore it. Social media is not real life. I know it is too tempting to analyze her social media life, but really it is just pixels on a screen, and you shouldn't obsess over it. If she thinks you want to control her "reposting" she will be rightly annoyed. We can't help but become jealous sometimes...but we can understand jealousy as a toxic presence, and try to moderate its influence.

Honestly, I never really thought about it that way. Thank you for your input and I'm definitely going to be considering that going forward.

 

[mdchachi]

To me the writing is on the wall. She may say she doesn't want to give up the relationship and maybe she doesn't but your paths are diverging. I'd let the paths diverge -- don't try to be exclusive or anything like that -- and see if the paths come together again some day. Also her idea of a long distance relationship may not match yours. A friend of mine's hobby used to be having relationships with people who presumably had other relationships -- long distance or husbands or whatever. In those days he was looking for physical relationships and he found plenty.

 

[Buntaro]

Drawwwws,

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. I wish there was a way to make this easy for you.

I have a Master's Degree in Counseling and Guidance, I am presently studying Marriage Counseling, and I have some ideas on your situation.

I have lived in Japan, I speak Japanese, I have been in a relationship with a Japanese person, and quite frankly I do not think what you are going through is a cultural problem.

You want her to call or text more often than she does. We need to call this what it is — being clingy. It seems to me it is your clinginess that is making her stressed — you may want to even ask her if it is so. (You may also want to look into the possibility that your clinginess is excessive.)

You have asked for advice, so I am going to give you some. Yes, you have a relationship with her, but the idea of it being exclusive is a mistake for now. My advice is keep it a relationship (texting, dating, etc.) but not an exclusive relationship for the time being.

Before the two of you made the relationship exclusive, you should have discussed how stressful such a very long distance relationship would be for both of you. The two of you didn't do this, it was a mistake, and now you need to take the initiative and make it right.

I should mention that the vast majority of long distance relationships eventually fail, and this is what is beginning to happen to yours.

How long did you know her before the relationship became exclusive? One thing that must be done before making a relationship exclusive is finding out and then discussing each other's 'issues.' Do you know all of her 'issues'? Does she know all of yours? Have both of you discussed each other's 'issues'? What strategies have you put together to handle each other's 'issues'? (The moment a relationship becomes exclusive, all 'issues' immediately become fair game to be brought up for discussion — or perhaps you disagree.)

You may want to bring up the subject of you possibly being clingy and if she sees you as being clingy. Get it out into the open as to whether you are or not (and give yourself a chance to feel relieved if you are not.)

By the way, I have been known to be rather clingy at times.