Japanese spouse who refuses to speak Japanese with husband
- Thread starter PatPaul
- Start date
J-wife and I still use english, always have. But when our kids were growing up meal times were a mashup, depending on who was talking to who. In other situations, I (try to) use Japanese--which could be when talking to other familes/kids/hobo at daycare, on up to adulthood. Extended family--holidays and similar occasions that we're at together--Japanese. (She has an MA/tesol from the US, we both had careers as uni professors/english teachers.)
- 6 Mar 2003
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In my case, when I was dating in Japan, I deliberately avoided girls who could speak much English. It didn't seem productive towards my goal of learning Japanese. But the joke's on me because now I've been speaking Japanese in my daily life with my spouse for over 20 years.
Sounds like you need to engage in some dialog (in English it seems) to understand the reasons behind her refusal. You also didn't mention your ability. If it's low it could be irritating to her to try to hold a conversation. Maybe she's not the patient, teaching type. You could try finding some conversation partners on the Internet. The younger and cuter the better. I wonder how she'd feel about that.
Sounds like you need to engage in some dialog (in English it seems) to understand the reasons behind her refusal. You also didn't mention your ability. If it's low it could be irritating to her to try to hold a conversation. Maybe she's not the patient, teaching type. You could try finding some conversation partners on the Internet. The younger and cuter the better. I wonder how she'd feel about that.
- 21 May 2003
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While in Japan and dating my Japanese future wife(it never happened ,LOL), I never spoke English with her. I was afraid if she spoke any English , the young military guys would steal her away. It came back to bite me on the butt later. She wouldn't come to live in Maine because she spoke no English along with other reasons.
Ukigumo
Sempai
- 15 Mar 2025
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Does she have a particular reason for refusing to speak in Japanese? 'Refuse' is a strong word.
PatPaul
Kouhai
- 19 Dec 2015
- 52
- 20
- Thread starter
- #7
Hello Everyone,
Thank you all for sharing and responding to my post. In order to not give the impression that I "hate" my wife, or that I am having some opinions that ALL western men married to Japanese women have the same communication dynamics in their relationships, allow me to clarify my situation. Please bear with me.
I have lived in Japan on-and-off since 1991. I spent some time outside Japan to return to Canada to get my graduate degree and a teaching degree from the USA, plus I worked in Korea, UAE, Qatar, and KSA, so I am not sure what the total # of years that I have lived "in-country," but safe to say, many.
Despite my efforts to learn the language, my proficiency level, in my estimation, is embarrassingly low. During these past years, whether living in Japan, or abroad, I kept up with my studies, and in Japan, have taken classes at the local international center, attended community classes run by volunteers, and done online language exchange. I had to quit my last job in Japan in 2015 since I did not have the Japanese proficiency to fulfill my duties/responsibilities that all faculty members are asked to do.
Several years ago when I was having a conversation with a Japanese language partner during a language exchange session he said something that was one of the reasons for the original post. The guy was 100% fluent in English and he told me that he knew 5 western men, all married to Japanese women, whose wives refuse to speak to them in Japan. Yes, "refuse" is a strong word, so to be more polite, let's say "decline."
I know that even if my wife had been speaking only Japanese for the past 24 years we've been together, my Japanese would still be weak. My wife is a full-time public school teacher, so I understand that after coming home at 9 pm on a week night, she has no energy to indulge me. When I worked in South Korea a South African colleague shared an observation that it's impossible to be intimate with someone and ask them to teach you.
I don't want to paint the picture that my situation is so unique. Like many of you, I live in a medium sized city, where there are few foreigners. My pet peeve with my wife is that I thought it was a "no brainer" that if she could in any way help me with my Japanese communication skills it would make my life a little easier; not perfect without any problems for frustration, but a little less arduous. I am talking being able to read the notices for members posted at the gym I go to, being able to explain to the local bicycle mechanic what I would like done on my bike, completing a new patient medical form with a little more confidence, since I usually just wing it with 90% of the question, being able to understand, or get the gist of what my doctors are saying to me…
Sorry for the long rant.
PatPaul
Thank you all for sharing and responding to my post. In order to not give the impression that I "hate" my wife, or that I am having some opinions that ALL western men married to Japanese women have the same communication dynamics in their relationships, allow me to clarify my situation. Please bear with me.
I have lived in Japan on-and-off since 1991. I spent some time outside Japan to return to Canada to get my graduate degree and a teaching degree from the USA, plus I worked in Korea, UAE, Qatar, and KSA, so I am not sure what the total # of years that I have lived "in-country," but safe to say, many.
Despite my efforts to learn the language, my proficiency level, in my estimation, is embarrassingly low. During these past years, whether living in Japan, or abroad, I kept up with my studies, and in Japan, have taken classes at the local international center, attended community classes run by volunteers, and done online language exchange. I had to quit my last job in Japan in 2015 since I did not have the Japanese proficiency to fulfill my duties/responsibilities that all faculty members are asked to do.
Several years ago when I was having a conversation with a Japanese language partner during a language exchange session he said something that was one of the reasons for the original post. The guy was 100% fluent in English and he told me that he knew 5 western men, all married to Japanese women, whose wives refuse to speak to them in Japan. Yes, "refuse" is a strong word, so to be more polite, let's say "decline."
I know that even if my wife had been speaking only Japanese for the past 24 years we've been together, my Japanese would still be weak. My wife is a full-time public school teacher, so I understand that after coming home at 9 pm on a week night, she has no energy to indulge me. When I worked in South Korea a South African colleague shared an observation that it's impossible to be intimate with someone and ask them to teach you.
I don't want to paint the picture that my situation is so unique. Like many of you, I live in a medium sized city, where there are few foreigners. My pet peeve with my wife is that I thought it was a "no brainer" that if she could in any way help me with my Japanese communication skills it would make my life a little easier; not perfect without any problems for frustration, but a little less arduous. I am talking being able to read the notices for members posted at the gym I go to, being able to explain to the local bicycle mechanic what I would like done on my bike, completing a new patient medical form with a little more confidence, since I usually just wing it with 90% of the question, being able to understand, or get the gist of what my doctors are saying to me…
Sorry for the long rant.
PatPaul
PatPaul
Kouhai
- 19 Dec 2015
- 52
- 20
- Thread starter
- #8
Sorry one more thing I forgot to add. I have on several occasions asked my wife why she doesn't speak to me in Japanese. Her answer has always been because I am unable to learn the language. At my first employer in the Middle East a supervisor told me (he was American) that he broached the idea with some of the Egyptian faculty about giving informal beginner Arabic lessons to the western, English-speaking teachers. The answer he got shocked him. He was told that it would be a waste of time since westerners cannot learn Arabic. No generalization, just wanted to share this one anecdote...
- 6 Mar 2003
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Are you saying she also refuses to help with daily life tasks -- like completing medical forms? Or just that by not engaging with you in Japanese she's not really helping you improve?
Sounds like the situation isn't likely to change so if you want to continue on this arduous journey you'll have to do it without her help.
However now it's so much easier to live in Japan given all the translation aids we have. Just point your phone at text to find out what it says.
Or use speech translation features to speak to people. etc.
Sounds like the situation isn't likely to change so if you want to continue on this arduous journey you'll have to do it without her help.
However now it's so much easier to live in Japan given all the translation aids we have. Just point your phone at text to find out what it says.
Or use speech translation features to speak to people. etc.
PatPaul
Kouhai
- 19 Dec 2015
- 52
- 20
- Thread starter
- #10
She works 80 hours per week, weekends included, as a public-school teacher, so she cannot accompany me to help with some of the aforementioned situations. Like I said, I have no illusions that if she did always speak to me in Japanese, that I would attain a JLPT Level 1 ability. Yes, I agree with the new technology. I inherited an old smartphone from my son but find when I am in the heat of the moment during a communication breakdown (like at the gym), I don't want to run to my locker to get the phone while the staff member is waiting for me....If I had a smartphone back in 2015, I certainly would have helped with that job at the KOSEN.
- 6 Mar 2003
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Maybe your 愛人 can help you?
But in any case you must know the basics by now so it sounds like immersion is key. Consume content in Japanese as much as possible. Engage with Japanese people in real life situations, not just language exchange. I found that every new thing I did with Japanese people from going to a gym, camping, joining a tennis circle, motorcycling, being a regular at restaurants/bars, etc. invariably let to new vocabulary and accelerated learning.
Ukigumo
Sempai
- 15 Mar 2025
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It sounds like your wife might be a little exasperated with your apparent lack of language skills. I say apparent because anyone can learn anything in the optimal circumstances and I 100% agree with mdchachi, 'active immersion' seems to be the key. Listen to Japanese all day everyday, no English at all. Struggle to speak it (you'll get it wrong but nobody cares) and people will help you out. Notice words phrases you hear all the time, maybe look them up to see how they're constructed…"Oh is that what 'naruhodo' means?" The first 8-12 weeks of this will be tortuous; confusing, frustrating, mentally fatiguing, days filled with seppuku ideation…using a Japanese grammar book. But in a few weeks, your brain's language centre's will automatically begin hearing and recognising patterns and sorting out the language. In 13 years, you'll be able to hold a conversation with a 4 year old Japanese child…if they speak slowly for you 
In the meantime, at home, leave the toilet seat in the 'up' position and don't flush the loo when it's 'yellow'…even the odd brown. Leave dirty crockery in the sink, load the dishwasher incorrectly, never empty it. Avoid shaving and bathing for days on end and pay your wife no attention other than to ask "what's for dinner". These will endear you to her, make her value you and before you know it she'll take the huge and difficult step of speaking in Japanese to you.
In the meantime, at home, leave the toilet seat in the 'up' position and don't flush the loo when it's 'yellow'…even the odd brown. Leave dirty crockery in the sink, load the dishwasher incorrectly, never empty it. Avoid shaving and bathing for days on end and pay your wife no attention other than to ask "what's for dinner". These will endear you to her, make her value you and before you know it she'll take the huge and difficult step of speaking in Japanese to you.
- 2 Jun 2005
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I married a non English speaker. We speak all Japanese at home however she wanted to come to the US after my job ended for a higher income. Being in the US this means my kids started school with limited English then picked it up they are fully bilingual as in native level Japanese (somehow better than I) and native level English (from kids outside). An English speaking home can help the children be bilingual if you had children in Japan. My wife is getting serious very sick of the US and wants to go back. We were planning to retire there in perhaps 5 years but having troubles now as I am mid 50s in tech and lost my job so may have to pull the trigger sooner than I wanted if I cannot pick up anything in time.
Anyway you should work on your Japanese. Immerse yourself, you are in Japan. Japanese TV, radio, go to talk to people outside at some bar or do an activity of some kind and meet Japanese there. N2 is much easier than N1 as you mentioned JLPT and is useful for work. JLPT's biggest problem is it does not test production, some have maanged to pass JLPT and cannot even speak so the test is not as good a measure as I would hope. My guess is your wife is tired of doing everything that needs Japanese for you, just put the time in.
Anyway you should work on your Japanese. Immerse yourself, you are in Japan. Japanese TV, radio, go to talk to people outside at some bar or do an activity of some kind and meet Japanese there. N2 is much easier than N1 as you mentioned JLPT and is useful for work. JLPT's biggest problem is it does not test production, some have maanged to pass JLPT and cannot even speak so the test is not as good a measure as I would hope. My guess is your wife is tired of doing everything that needs Japanese for you, just put the time in.
Ukigumo
Sempai
- 15 Mar 2025
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Do you mind me asking why your wife is getting sick of the US?
- 8 Aug 2005
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whatever her answer, I probably agree
