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MajideSaiaku

tsuyaku o tsukete kudasai
19 Jan 2005
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For those of you with Japanese ex's, how in holy hell do you forget them?.


On a few occasions I have given in to my weakness and emailed my Ex, we were fighting pretty bad in the end and the relationship obviously had no positive conclusion so I had to break it off, but the problem is she hasn't forgotten me and try as I might theres that part of me that just wont let go...

The 3 months following up to the break-up were pretty messed up, my state of mind was all over the place, and even now, after the break-up in January, I'm still not feeling my normal self.


The problem is I remember the good times quite a bit, and the problem is along with her ability to pick me apart, and my feelings for her, I got to this stupid stage where I felt like she basically defined my existence, where she was my future and stuff, and I guess somehow all that insulting my life somehow made me feel I was somehow lower or lesser without her.


How do you guys go about just forgetting that one bad relationship that you got heavily invested in, how do you get to that point where your confident and fine with life after a relationship, where you can imagine a future and just get on with life as you would normally?.


Cheers for input and your experiences.

Nuri 😌
 
The easy answer: you move on.

Getting to that point though requires you to do some serious self-introspection because it sounds like you may still have feelings for her. Unresolved issues never lead to closure unless you air it all out in the open for the benefit of all parties involved. Sounds like you may be feeling a little guilty for letting her go even though you still have feelings for her.

My advice would be to sit down with her and get all those conflicting emotions off your chest and on the table. Work through it all until you can both agree on what's best for the both of you at this point in your lives. You might eventually end up back together, remain "friends", or you may never see each other again from that day forward, who knows. You'll feel better in the aftermath though once you just let it all hang out.
 
Some you just never forget.

Been over 35 years, and I still miss Yoshiko. Just tuck the memory away in the back of your heart, and go on with life. Bring it out at times when you need the memories, savor them like a fine wine or good book, and return them to the shelf. As you get older, wonderful memories of the past make the hard times a bit easier.But remember, live for today , and what's past is just that, the past.

Uncle Frank

 
just listen to that song "build me up buttercup" by the foundations and everything will be okay.

Do really want to leave her, I mean REALLY want to leave her.
 
I'm in a similar situation... My Ex is in New York, somewhere she wanted to be regardless of what boyfriend she had... Typical, I want an English boyfriend, and I want OUT of Japan... Funny how that sometimes works.

I think about her often, and I'm close enough now that I can visit her--- she's even brought some of my very very important possessions (my writing, my music, etc) with her--- so I know I'll see her.

Our problem was that things fell apart for her, AFTER I had to leave Japan, before that, she was almost like a dedicated puppy, waiting for her master....

I miss her comming home and saying tadaima, I miss replying okaeri.... And yes, I do understand defining yourself by your relationship with a woman, if it is a Japanese girl or not... But her, specifically, I did.

We had LOTS of bad times... (and still, LOTS of good times too that are burned in my memory....) Walking from D2 and playfully trying to lift up her shirt in traffic--- She was an ecchi girl, and I love her for it.

It wasn't that she was especially a bad person, but both of us were unstable, and that never helps in a relationship, both of us were taking medication & drinking heavily (she worked at Mizu Shoubai for christs sake!)...

But I only remember the good... Now I feel like the only girlfriend I want (for the long term) is a Japanese one, because, because, I like Japanese women, and I feel no need to describe why.

Part of it also is the amount of time I put into the language--- sometimes I think it would be simple enough just to find some J-Emo girl and get beyond the language barrier--- but that sounds like both a cop-out and annoyance...

I hope things work out for us, but I don't know if they will, for us, money changes everything--- and if maybe I can fix that, we can be together--- Still, though we are close in proximity, we speak rarely, as she is so busy....

It makes me jealous that she was easily accepted as an intern for a year's stay in the United States while I had to schlup my way through 6 months of tourist visas, and not even a spousal visa attempt could keep me there--- but that is MY FAULT for not being better educated and prepared.

I think of her every day, it's hard to tell you how not to... but if it truly is over for you... move on, you have qualities that appeal to women, and like they say, their are many sushi-eating women in the sea.

Good luck.

ps. I don't, well, I make a point not to talk about my personal relationship online, this time however, I thought I might....

just listen to that song "build me up buttercup" by the foundations and everything will be okay.
Or listen to Joe Jackson's - "Is She really going out With Him?" and... well, no promises on that one.
 
You get over someone by dragging yourself through the muck, one day at a time, until you realize that the muck has pretty much cleared up. I still think about my ex from time to time, but with the passage of time, the way I think about her has changed. I have come to accept that I was a lot worse than I thought I was at the time, and hopefully I have learned from it.

But as sad as it is that things did not work out with that particular woman, she is in the past, and all we can do is cherish the past and live in the present. My recommendation: embrace how you feel now as the first step to progressing to the next level in your life. Take your time.
 
But remember, live for today , and what's past is just that, the past.
Uncle Frank

Sha, la la la la-la, live for today
And don't worry about tomorrow.

Or, perhaps, the Electric Prunes' I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night.

Seriously, I can see where he's coming from. I think I got the brush-off tonight from a Japanese gal I met 3 years ago. She's been uncommunicative for months and when I called her about my upcoming trip to Japan, she said she's going to Australia on vacation at the time. The clincher was that I heard a dude's voice in the background (it could've been a busboy for all I know). Still, it makes one wonder. Ah, well. There's more fish in the ocean. But to make double-sure, I'll call her when I get in Japan anyway. I jumped to conclusions once, and won't make that mistake again.

If there's any consolation about relationships that go sour, at least one has the memories of the good times.
 
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e had LOTS of bad times... (and still, LOTS of good times too that are burned in my memory....) Walking from D2 and playfully trying to lift up her shirt in traffic--- She was an ecchi girl, and I love her for it.

Thats one issue, since I've been feeling naff lately, for the most part I've ignored it and ignored it and as Iron chef has said, its probably better to just sit down and resolve this problems, and yeah, I guess I do feel guilty, not only for her, but for me, part of me still wants her obviously and I feel guilty for forcing myself to split. It was by no means an easy act for me to take.

Since the naff feelings I've often remembered happier days, sometimes silly things like just odd snippets of memory of when I was younger when I was happy, but naturally happy times I had with her and in Japan feature heavily.

It wasn't that she was especially a bad person, but both of us were unstable, and that never helps in a relationship, both of us were taking medication & drinking heavily (she worked at Mizu Shoubai for christs sake!)...

While not drinkers or taking medication, we had our own issues, I've had anxiety problems in my youth and I guess I'm more open to translating emotional anguish into anxiety and panic attacks, because a big part of my feeling low since the split is some anxiety and stuff, basically I have this habit of ignoring the real excuse behind my emotional problems and fixating it into some anxiety issue, as crap as it feels some part of me feels safer dealing with a general anxiety panic attack rather then real emotions.

When we were fighting I was getting pretty stressed out, I didn't feel I had anywhere to retreat to, like my personal space was being invaded and that was another problem, I couldn't address the problem correctly at the time when I was feeling surrounded.

she had her own problems, she was also a very stressed person, for the most part we seemed to be forces for relaxation and comfort to each other but yeah, by the end the fighting just seemed to give neither of us the space we wanted, we both loved each other but that was little comfort when being together just caused us stress.

on top of that there was the stresses of typical stuff, she wanted me to move to Japan, I had to sort out my **** in the UK, without mentioning my feelings on living there.

But I only remember the good... Now I feel like the only girlfriend I want (for the long term) is a Japanese one, because, because, I like Japanese women, and I feel no need to describe why.

I seem to have gone the opposite, while I havnt gotten all "I hate Japanese women" my sex drive has gone, and what little of it I have seems focused elsewhere.

I don't feel up to rebounds, I don't feel up to dates, I barely feel up to even ogling attractive women in the street.

For the most part I've tried to ignore it, play games, just hunker down in college, but yeah, recently I just cant be bothered with distracting myself.

I hope things work out for us, but I don't know if they will, for us, money changes everything--- and if maybe I can fix that, we can be together--- Still, though we are close in proximity, we speak rarely, as she is so busy....

Thats part of why I split up with mine, I couldn't stand the thought of a life of stress and fighting. I loved her and I guess I've got a hell of allot of un-resolved feelings about her still, but I came to the logical conclusion I couldn't live in a relationship like that, I just wish this was a universal realization for my psyche, I feel like I'm being pulled in half by two conflicting parts, one of me just wants to forget her, ignore her, forget the stress pre and post break-up and just carry on as if everything is hunky-dorey and the other part of me just cant seem to console itself with the fact I am a "free-agent" so to speak.

Its so bad that I even miss the "disclaimer". When I saw another attractive woman I would always think "Hmmm. I wouldn't mind getting to know her...if I wasn't already in a relationship", and somehow, I cant get my brain round the fact I don't have that disclaimer.

Its such a stupid thing but somehow it matters, I liked checking attractive women as one does, but I always liked that security net of knowing I had a loving girlfriend at the end of the day.

ps. I don't, well, I make a point not to talk about my personal relationship online, this time however, I thought I might....

Yeah, I appreciate it, I don't make a habit of it, but I'm not having much success at just sweeping it under the carpet like I usually can.

Everyone who's posted has given some good advice, and I'm glad to hear other people have been in the same place, even if I already knew it before (its easier to believe it on a deeper level when you actually read other accounts).

So far my life since then has been either misery just taking each day, to either ignoring stuff.

I guess I under-estimated my feelings for this girl because I don't remember feeling so crap for other ex's. It took me a good amount of time to trust her and allow myself to love her, and even then I wasn't the best boyfriend, so I guess I under-estimated just how nasty feeling a proper relationship break-up would be.

The measure of comfort of you guy's words aside, I'm still pretty much in that place of just taking each day and the thing keeping me going is knowing one day it will be a soft memory and I'll wonder what the deal was.

Cheers for the input folks.
 
on top of that there was the stresses of typical stuff, she wanted me to move to Japan, I had to sort out my **** in the UK, without mentioning my feelings on living there.
It was the opposite for me, she wanted to move to New York, and I wanted to stay in Japan... now I go each day, day by day, getting worse, anxiety wise... I took three days off from work, and am drinking too much to be good for me... and each day I think, there is a girl out there who loves me less than she did... and maybe that's my fault, and maybe it isn't... And I know when I'm thinking about her, she's not thinking about me.... It hurts my stomach to think of it...
 
It was the opposite for me, she wanted to move to New York, and I wanted to stay in Japan... now I go each day, day by day, getting worse, anxiety wise... I took three days off from work, and am drinking too much to be good for me... and each day I think, there is a girl out there who loves me less than she did... and maybe that's my fault, and maybe it isn't... And I know when I'm thinking about her, she's not thinking about me.... It hurts my stomach to think of it...


Was this break-up fairly recent? If not, maybe now that some time has passed you should confront your demons. People learn from experience, good and bad. I would presume she's as young as you are. Both of you were/are feeling your way though life and trying to find your niche.

I had a rough go at age 19 with a girl that I was nuts over. It hurt for a long time, but you'll eventually get over it. A few years passed and we got in touch with each other and made our peace. That was over 30 years ago.

Maybe you should try to make your peace with her for your own peace of mind?
 
Was this break-up fairly recent? If not, maybe now that some time has passed you should confront your demons. People learn from experience, good and bad. I would presume she's as young as you are. Both of you were/are feeling your way though life and trying to find your niche.

I had a rough go at age 19 with a girl that I was nuts over. It hurt for a long time, but you'll eventually get over it. A few years passed and we got in touch with each other and made our peace. That was over 30 years ago.

Maybe you should try to make your peace with her for your own peace of mind?
Here was a girl who treated me like a prince, and refered to herself as my ohime-chan... (cute way of saying princess for the non Japanese speakers here).. Money was our big issue (beyond our own separate mental states, neither of which were good)... she couldn't manager ours, and I couldn't get my clients to pay me on time...

When I left Japan, everything fell apart, that's when the relationship seemed to end... It was worse when I couldn't visit her in New York the first time she was there, because I was broke then, just had moved to Penn, started over, and didn't have the money... that seemed to make her feel as if it were all over, if I couldn't magically get the money (If you really care, you'll do anything it takes... that was her and her sister's attitude)... that anything is possible...

Now, things are different, she's paid off her debt, and any money I give her will be for herself, to buy things, to buy food, to buy beer, to buy whatever she wants... I don't want to pay her to love me, but we did both incur debts together.

I will confront her, it's a must, she has my HDs and I'll visit her, but my only contact with her is her sister's cell phone... and she is at work during the day... I email her, but rarely receive responses, as she claims she is so busy, working every day...

I'm jealous of her ability to come to work for a Japanese company in the United States so effortlessly, even though her English is suspect at best... I feel it's simply the Japanese looking after the Japanese, I'm jealous that we lived in a tiny yankii filled town called Usui which you could walk the entire distance in probably 15-30 minutes, while she lives arguably in what is now a hipster part of Brooklyn... She's on an internship visa, that she was initially rejected for because by all rights, she is a "professional" designer...

I'm jealous of all these things, and I know it's simply sour grapes... Everything reminds me of her... eventually, when I visit, I will have to face that feeling, of knowing this is where it begins again, or this is where it ends.

The money has changed, and the mental states have changed... but mine, are not good lately, because of this... they had been, but since she's been back, they've gotten much worse because I know how close she is, and how little she attempts to contact me... I don't like to think I'm going to have to convince her to go back out with me... and as some would say, why should I... walk away from it... but that's not me.
 
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Heh, while some of the basic details seem different we seem to both be having troubles :S.

You because your woman seems to not want you, and me, because I had to force myself to push her away for my sanity. ☝

Heh... 😌

I think I'm with ArmandV, while I care about her allot, hopefully it beig my choice in the first place will be of some help, and I dont think I could stay so miserable forever.

Theres been times where I've thought "why dont you just make up?....your obviously unable to cope without her" but theres that part of me always saying "no, you've sweated ******* blood and tears to earn your freedom, your current problems are nothing but bad break-up blues".


Plus the last I heard of her was an E card after I contacted her, she seemed to want to get back together, called me Baby-chan, mentioned that Christmas present she never got to give me, and I cant talk with her like that, not when she is still in that place where she thinks she can just say baby-chan and try and bribe me and suddenly we can get back together, I might have done it before, but....after the **** we've been through before the split, and my feelings after, our talk and "make-up" if thats what we would be destined for would have to be a good bit more substantial and meaningful then some nice words and a bribe....

TBH I just want closure on this, I would gladly make up if I knew there wouldn't be fights or none of the fighting crap we had or the big troubles...but I know we would have them.

All I want at the moment is to have some goddamn inner peace and feel content with myself and life again. ☝

You see these guys on TV and stuff being totally broken up after a break-up, being all depressed and stuff, and yeah, but I never realized just how messed up it makes you feel, how long it lasts, 6 months damnation, granted most of those 6 months have been spent just distracting myself and trying to ignore my feelings and emotions, only recently have I started really confronting myself, but yeah, I'm a 21 year old Scottish bloke ***...from a poxy little small city with a poxy small little unremarkable but to me, satisfactory life, I really don't need this stuff X _ +.

The crud really started during her last visit, and I'm not big on regrets, because regrets cant change most things, but I really regret that last visit, at least the way it went down, the fights, the stress.

In that one last few weeks of that visit I lost a bearable relationship which ended up in a break-up months later, and gained a college course and a chunk o' stress.
 
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