e had LOTS of bad times... (and still, LOTS of good times too that are burned in my memory....) Walking from D2 and playfully trying to lift up her shirt in traffic--- She was an ecchi girl, and I love her for it.
Thats one issue, since I've been feeling naff lately, for the most part I've ignored it and ignored it and as Iron chef has said, its probably better to just sit down and resolve this problems, and yeah, I guess I do feel guilty, not only for her, but for me, part of me still wants her obviously and I feel guilty for forcing myself to split. It was by no means an easy act for me to take.
Since the naff feelings I've often remembered happier days, sometimes silly things like just odd snippets of memory of when I was younger when I was happy, but naturally happy times I had with her and in Japan feature heavily.
It wasn't that she was especially a bad person, but both of us were unstable, and that never helps in a relationship, both of us were taking medication & drinking heavily (she worked at Mizu Shoubai for christs sake!)...
While not drinkers or taking medication, we had our own issues, I've had anxiety problems in my youth and I guess I'm more open to translating emotional anguish into anxiety and panic attacks, because a big part of my feeling low since the split is some anxiety and stuff, basically I have this habit of ignoring the real excuse behind my emotional problems and fixating it into some anxiety issue, as crap as it feels some part of me feels safer dealing with a general anxiety panic attack rather then real emotions.
When we were fighting I was getting pretty stressed out, I didn't feel I had anywhere to retreat to, like my personal space was being invaded and that was another problem, I couldn't address the problem correctly at the time when I was feeling surrounded.
she had her own problems, she was also a very stressed person, for the most part we seemed to be forces for relaxation and comfort to each other but yeah, by the end the fighting just seemed to give neither of us the space we wanted, we both loved each other but that was little comfort when being together just caused us stress.
on top of that there was the stresses of typical stuff, she wanted me to move to Japan, I had to sort out my **** in the UK, without mentioning my feelings on living there.
But I only remember the good... Now I feel like the only girlfriend I want (for the long term) is a Japanese one, because, because, I like Japanese women, and I feel no need to describe why.
I seem to have gone the opposite, while I havnt gotten all "I hate Japanese women" my sex drive has gone, and what little of it I have seems focused elsewhere.
I don't feel up to rebounds, I don't feel up to dates, I barely feel up to even ogling attractive women in the street.
For the most part I've tried to ignore it, play games, just hunker down in college, but yeah, recently I just cant be bothered with distracting myself.
I hope things work out for us, but I don't know if they will, for us, money changes everything--- and if maybe I can fix that, we can be together--- Still, though we are close in proximity, we speak rarely, as she is so busy....
Thats part of why I split up with mine, I couldn't stand the thought of a life of stress and fighting. I loved her and I guess I've got a hell of allot of un-resolved feelings about her still, but I came to the logical conclusion I couldn't live in a relationship like that, I just wish this was a universal realization for my psyche, I feel like I'm being pulled in half by two conflicting parts, one of me just wants to forget her, ignore her, forget the stress pre and post break-up and just carry on as if everything is hunky-dorey and the other part of me just cant seem to console itself with the fact I am a "free-agent" so to speak.
Its so bad that I even miss the "disclaimer". When I saw another attractive woman I would always think "Hmmm. I wouldn't mind getting to know her...if I wasn't already in a relationship", and somehow, I cant get my brain round the fact I don't have that disclaimer.
Its such a stupid thing but somehow it matters, I liked checking attractive women as one does, but I always liked that security net of knowing I had a loving girlfriend at the end of the day.
ps. I don't, well, I make a point not to talk about my personal relationship online, this time however, I thought I might....
Yeah, I appreciate it, I don't make a habit of it, but I'm not having much success at just sweeping it under the carpet like I usually can.
Everyone who's posted has given some good advice, and I'm glad to hear other people have been in the same place, even if I already knew it before (its easier to believe it on a deeper level when you actually read other accounts).
So far my life since then has been either misery just taking each day, to either ignoring stuff.
I guess I under-estimated my feelings for this girl because I don't remember feeling so crap for other ex's. It took me a good amount of time to trust her and allow myself to love her, and even then I wasn't the best boyfriend, so I guess I under-estimated just how nasty feeling a proper relationship break-up would be.
The measure of comfort of you guy's words aside, I'm still pretty much in that place of just taking each day and the thing keeping me going is knowing one day it will be a soft memory and I'll wonder what the deal was.
Cheers for the input folks.
