Does she like me or am I imagining it?

[Grandpa Frank]

My wife won't take me to any parties anymore , LOL. Everyone pulls up a chair around me to hear my war stories. I got to see and hear a lot of amazing things in my 17 years as a home care nurse. My 2 years in Japan were even more amazing. My major issue here on JREF is I get carried away and off topic and set a bad example for following the rules here. My self guilt is horrible and I often stick my tongue in a lamp socket for punishment.

 

[Achilles 1-1]

My wife won't take me to any parties anymore , LOL. Everyone pulls up a chair around me to hear my war stories. I got to see and hear a lot of amazing things in my 17 years as a home care nurse. My 2 years in Japan were even more amazing. My major issue here on JREF is I get carried away and off topic and set a bad example for following the rules here. My self guilt is horrible and I often stick my tongue in a lamp socket for punishment.

That's why you should make a journal and/or a thread specifically for that.

 

[mdchachi]

@Grandpa Frank , you should make a big journal where everyday, you post another one of your crazy stories. That would easily be the most popular thread/journal on the forum!

They're pretty much all in here already. You just need to dig for them.

 

[Achilles 1-1]

They're pretty much all in here already. You just need to dig for them.
View attachment 121354

Yeah probably.

 

[Grandpa Frank]

A lot of my older neighbors suffer from insomnia. They have me sit next to their bed and tell a story. Usually in just 3 or 4 minutes , they doze off.

 

[Hudts]

Hudts, you have learned a painful lesson, which is this: when you meet a girl you like, put all romantic thoughts aside and work on becoming friends first. No dates or any romantic stuff for the first six months. (This is true of all women but especially Japanese women.)

I am going to change my advice and tell you not to mention ping-pong for another six months. Treat her just like 'one of the guys' for the next six months. Just hang out. Build up a good, solid friendship first. Get it to the point where you can ask her if her parents are bothered by her hanging out with a foreigner. (It's way too early to ask her something like this right now.) I think you have 'spooked' her and it is going to take at least six months to get her 'unspooked.'

Keep us posted as to how it is going. All of us here on this forum are pulling for you!

So, yesterday we were sitting in class and I did a little stretch and she laughed a little bit so I teased her a little bit (maybe a good sign?). After class we got on the train to go back home. Instead of sitting with her friends she sat with me, and we talked a while, I know it may not mean much but I enjoyed it. After a little bit I asked if her and her friends would like to get lunch to which they agreed and we went to lunch. After lunch her friends separated from us and I walked her home.

 

[Achilles 1-1]

So, yesterday we were sitting in class and I did a little stretch and she laughed a little bit so I teased her a little bit (maybe a good sign?). After class we got on the train to go back home. Instead of sitting with her friends she sat with me, and we talked a while, I know it may not mean much but I enjoyed it. After a little bit I asked if her and her friends would like to get lunch to which they agreed and we went to lunch. After lunch her friends separated from us and I walked her home.

That seems good! Especially if she allows you to tease her! And good job on including her friends to lunch with you two, that pretty much tells her that you care about her friends too, and I know from experience that girls like when you include their friend group. Good Job! I'd say this looks pretty hopeful for you! If she's allowing you to walk her home, that might mean that she trusts you. Again, Good Job!

 

[Hudts]

That seems good! Especially if she allows you to tease her! And good job on including her friends to lunch with you two, that pretty much tells her that you care about her friends too, and I know from experience that girls like when you include their friend group. Good Job! I'd say this looks pretty hopeful for you! If she's allowing you to walk her home, that might mean that she trusts you. Again, Good Job!

Thanks, we still have plans to go somewhere next weekend. One of her friends is going as well, so hopefully it will make her more comfortable. Yea, I was worried that walking her home would be awkward, but it really wasn't.

 

[Buntaro]

Good job, Hudts. Keep building up the friendship. It's also important to find common interests the two of you can talk about. What common interests do the two of you have?

And, pretty soon you will have to talk to her about how she will feel if her parents see the two of you walking down the road together. If she asks why you are bringing this up for discussion, just say, "Because I am a gaijin, and some Japanese people feel uncomfortable whenever a gaijin is around." Her reaction to this statement will tell you a lot.

 

[Hudts]

Good job, Hudts. Keep building up the friendship. It's also important to find common interests the two of you can talk about. What common interests do the two of you have?

And, pretty soon you will have to talk to her about how she will feel if her parents see the two of you walking down the road together. If she asks why you are bringing this up for discussion, just say, "Because I am a gaijin, and some Japanese people feel uncomfortable whenever a gaijin is around." Her reaction to this statement will tell you a lot.

She likes anime and has given me some recommendations to watch since I haven't watched anime in a long time and have only watched the older anime. We talked a bit about what she wanted to do after university and what classes she is taking. During which she showed me a project she is working on and I understood some of what she was doing in the project as I have done some very similar work before. I do feel uneasy because I start most of the conversations, even though her response times vary from instant to hours later. I assume due to having a part time job, but she replies nonetheless.

Honestly, I'm worried about asking her that because I don't want to make it awkward between us. What types of reactions to that question would you say are good and what ones are bad?

 

[mdchachi]

I think you can wait to ask that question until you are actually dating in some capacity. It almost doesn't matter since you shouldn't be thinking of long-term lifetime commitment at your age anyway. And neither should she. In my opinion of course.

 

[Hudts]

I can see your point on the long term, but I prefer to date with the intention of long term. Maybe not lifetime though.

Another question, I have heard that the Japanese view beards as dirty and unclean. While I wash and brush mine everyday and only keep it about 1 long. Would shaving it help with people's views on me as a foreigner?

 

[Buntaro]

I always say that, if two people are in a relationship, they should be able to walk down the road together and say a pleasant hello to anyone who walks by. If you couldn't do this if her parents walked by, the relationship is in trouble. When I was in Japan, I had a Japanese girlfriend, but she absolutely refused to let me visit her house and meet her parents. (Her mother had had a very bad experience with some idiot American servicemen and she hated Americans.) I was not even allowed to escort her to her home train station after a date because her parents might see us. This is just how it is with some Japanese parents, and the sooner you find out, the better.

Yes, you need to get rid of the beard right away. It really puts you at a disadvantage in Japan. (And for god's sake I hope you don't have any tattoos, which mark you as a criminal in Japan.)

 

[mdchachi]

Tell the girl you are thinking of shaving your beard and see what she says. Or show her a picture of you before you had it. If she's enthusiastic about the clean shaven look (or not) that tells you how she feels about it.

 

[Lothor]

I've spent a lot of time on forums for foreigners in Japan, and the problem of Japanese parents disapproving of their son or daughter's non-Japanese partner comes up very rarely.

 

[thomas]

Yes, you need to get rid of the beard right away. It really puts you at a disadvantage in Japan. (And for god's sake I hope you don't have any tattoos, which mark you as a criminal in Japan.)

That would depend on the type of tattoo, but these days are generally over. In public life, discreet (and sometimes not so discreet) tattoos have become much more visible among young Japanese. More and more sentos and onsen are allowing tattooed customers.

Discreetly, the young in Japan chip away at a taboo on tattoos

Exposed to body art on social media, more young Japanese are getting tattoos, even if that means hiding them at work.

www.japantimes.co.jp

And my best wishes to @Hudts !

 

[Hudts]

I've spent a lot of time on forums for foreigners in Japan, and the problem of Japanese parents disapproving of their son or daughter's non-Japanese partner comes up very rarely.

Oh, that's a relief to hear. I still don't know how she feels about us so that's something I need to confirm. I also shaved my beard because I wanted to try something after not shaving it for over a year.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Your mileage may vary, but my experience in walking down the street with a Japanese girlfriend or for a short time wife was never negative by the people around me. Part of that may be because we only spoke Japanese together except for my first girlfriend when I didn't know the language yet. Just like today in America with my Chinese wife, people sometimes would stop us to tell us what a nice couple we are, and they were sincere.

However it is worth considering whether her experience would be the same, especially when the foreigner boy has left. It's never come up as a topic of conversation, so who knows? I personally wouldn't worry about that too much. That being said, parents have very different motivations than random people on the street, which need to be respected. If it comes to that, you need to be patient if your experience turns out similar to that of @Buntaro

 

[Buntaro]

Hudts,

At the risk of repeating myself, I want to say that your main problem right now is that you are highly worried about whether she likes you or not. You need to find a counselor, church pastor, or someone who can help you with this. This is your top priority right now.

 

[Achilles 1-1]

@Hudts , If nothing else, I'm sure everyone here would love to help you out. Lowkey, bro, I feel like this is the only way I can actually be helpful in this forum! I don't know Japanese, or Chinese, or really much of anything, but I like to help people out when I can.

 

[Hudts]

Your mileage may vary, but my experience in walking down the street with a Japanese girlfriend or for a short time wife was never negative by the people around me. Part of that may be because we only spoke Japanese together except for my first girlfriend when I didn't know the language yet. Just like today in America with my Chinese wife, people sometimes would stop us to tell us what a nice couple we are, and they were sincere.

However it is worth considering whether her experience would be the same, especially when the foreigner boy has left. It's never come up as a topic of conversation, so who knows? I personally wouldn't worry about that too much. That being said, parents have very different motivations than random people on the street, which need to be respected. If it comes to that, you need to be patient if your experience turns out similar to that of @Buntaro

Thank you for the tip on the foreigner part. I think she is comfortable around me since I made sure to invite her friend to things we are doing. But now that it has been the second time we hung out, I'm going to try and ask her to go just the two of us together. Hopefully I get a good response.

 

[Hudts]

Well, I think I may have done something wrong to upset her. She hasn't messaged me back in over 24 hours. This is after I said that I would like to learn more complex Japanese to be able to more effectively communicate with her on a more deeper level.

 

[Buntaro]

I also think you did something wrong. "On a more deeper level "? That was a mistake and I think you 'spooked' her again . The only way this is going to work is if you treat her like a guy friend of yours for 6 months (which you have repeatedly shown you are not willing to do). (That "deeper level" comment is something you would have never said to a guy friend of yours.) The more you push for a romance, the more she will run away (which is what I think happened in the last 24 hours).

There are good benefits for you from all of this that is going on between the two of you. Up to now you have had no idea how to approach a friendship/romance with a Japanese young lady. Now you have some new ideas. You are learning.

 

[Hudts]

I didn't actually use deeper level, I just used "I want to speak with you in Japanese more'

 

[mdchachi]

You're overthinking all of this. There are many possible explanations for her lack of response that are more likely than she's "spooked." She may have simply forgotten to respond. Or she wanted to give a more thoughtful response and didn't get around to it yet, or it it slipped her mind. I do that all the time. Granted I'm an old forgetful man but still not everybody in your generation is tied to their phones. Your text wasn't of an urgent nature, why would you expect an immediate response? Especially since you see her in class regularly. She may have thought she could talk about this with you in person.

Did she see your beardless face yet?