Could somebody please look this over?

[cherrykookie]

Could somebody please look over my Japanese script and check for errors? It's for an assignment (we're suppose to make a short manga..this is my script haha). However there's a lot of words/grammer that I'm unsure about whether used them correctly.
y：そうまくん、なんじにねるか？
S：ごご五時です。おきたのがおそいからあさごはんを ｽべことがない。おなかがぺこぺこ。
5:00am. Since I woke up late, I didn't eat breakfast. I'm hungry
ｙ：ええ。ごご五時ですか。どうして？なににしたか eeh. Why? What did you do?
ｓ：そうだな。ぼくのギターとちかくにさんぽした。それから、やまをのぼった。ご ごさんじうちにかえった。
I took a walk with my guitar and climbed a mountain. I returned home at 3:00am.
ｙ：うそう！。だめですよ。
ｓ：でも、きのうのよるのそらはすごくきれいでした。
But the yesterday's sky at night was pretty.
ｓ：めのまえにまちのぜんぶをみながらギターをひいた。そして、そらのうえにたくさんのあかるいほ しをひきました。
I played guitar while seeing the whole town in front of my eyes. (He's on the mountain) Also, above the sky there were many bright stars shining.
ｙ：ほんとうですか？すばらしい。みたいよ。わたしは ほしがだいすきです。
ｓ：いきましょう！あしたがっこうのあとでじかんがあ るか。
ｙ：あ。。ごめんね。それはちょっと。。あしたアルバ イトをしたり、ダンスをれんしゅうしたり、わたしのお ばあさんのうちに行ったりします。
ｓ：さあ、水曜日ですか？
ｙ：いいですよ！
ｓ：やた！
～～ふつかんご～～～～ (Two days later in classroom)
classmatel：あなたたちふたりともだいじょうぶか。き のうなにをしたか。Are you two okay? What did you do yesterday?
～～～～きのうのよる：ごぜん六時 Last night [Flashback]
ｙ：そこにいきますか？Are we there?
ｓ：まだ。。すこしもっと。ちょっととおい。。Not yet. A bit more. (I'm not sure if sukoshi motto works or not) It's a bit far
ｓ：ほら！みて、ついて！Look! We're here!
ｓ：あれ？！おい、やまださん、だいじょうぶか。しっ かりしろょ。Eh?! Hey Yamada-san, are you alright? Hold in there.
ｙ：げ geh.
ｓ：あ！目をさました。Ah you awoke!
ｙ：え？なに？もうあたか？！そな！What!? Its morning already? No way!
ｙ："….and that's what happened." <---I'm not sure how to translate this into Japanese >_< anyone?

 

[Andromedashun]

I cannot judge your entire paragraph since my Japanese is crappy, but some of your sentences are not correct.

ｽべことがない。

What do you mean by this?

Taberu koto ga dekinai? It's suppose to mean ''I can not eat anything''.

どうして？なににしたか

なんにをしましたか.

そうだな。ぼくのギターとちかくにさんぽした。それから、やまをのぼった。ご ごさんじうちにかえった。

ご ご is pm. If am you have to say けさ.

でも、きのうのよるのそらはすごくきれいでした。

窶堋ｷ窶堋ｲ窶堋ｭ? What does it mean?

やた！

やった is a word for success if I'm not wrong. Maybe ''じゃまた'' is better.

あなたたちふたりともうだいじょぶか。

が will be better than とも(?). だいじょぶですか。

ほら！みて、ついて！

ついて? I only knew について (about). Maybe ''ここにいるよ!''?

and that's what happened.

それにそれがあった?

 

[cherrykookie]

Hi, thanks androme for taking the time to look it over D >_<

I cannot judge your entire paragraph since my Japanese is crappy, but some of your sentences are not correct.

What do you mean by this?
Taberu koto ga dekinai? It's suppose to mean ''I can not eat anything''..

I meant taberu koto ga arimasen, I didn't eat anything, but i just put arimasen into its dictionary negative form "nai".. not sure if that's okay.

なんにをしましたか.

Can i not use the plain informal form? My teacher said to use lots of informal language. :/

ご ご is pm. If am you have to say けさ.

Woops by bad >_<

すごく? What does it mean?

very

やった is a word for success if I'm not wrong. Maybe ''じゃまた'' is better.

が will be better than とも(?). だいじょぶですか。

futariga?

ついて? I only knew について (about). Maybe ''ここにいるよ!''?

tsuitayo = we arrived here according to yahoo answers ^^;

それにそれがあった?

thanks!

 

[Andromedashun]

I meant taberu koto ga arimasen, I didn't eat anything, but i just put arimasen into its dictionary negative form "nai".. not sure if that's okay.

OK my bad I forgot about that form... But verb (ta form -> tabeta) koto ga nai means I haven't eat till now, not I didn't eat. If you want to use I didn't eat I think it should be ...kara, tabenakatta.

Can i not use the plain informal form? My teacher said to use lots of informal language.

sure, just replace shimashita with shimatta.

very

Hm I think totemo is more natural, but that's just me.

futariga?

No, ga is a particle emphasis ''You two''. Futari [ga].

I think there a lot more people in this forum is better than me in this case so you might want to wait for their answers.

 

[Mike Cash]

ふたりとも is just fine and didn't need "correcting". Just because you don't know "tomo" doesn't make it wrong.

けさ means "this morning"....not "a.m.", which is ごぜん

 

[Toritoribe]

I don't recommend to write colloquial conversation. It's incredibly hard especially for beginners, I believe.

なんじにねるか？

You can't attach the question particle か directly to the non-polite form. It's possible to the polite form.

☓なんじにねるか？

○なんじにねますか？
○なんじにねるの？
○なんじにねる？

The present tense なんじにねるの？ means "What time will you go to bed?" or "What time do you go to bed everyday?" If you want to say "What time did you go to bed (last night)?", it should be なんじにねたの？

なににしたか

なに（を）していましたか/してたの

あかるいほしをひきました

Probably what you wanted to say would be あかるいほしがひかっていました/ひかってた.

～～ふつかんご～～～～ (Two days later in classroom)

ふつかごの教室[きょうしつ]


Here's my attempt.

Y: そうま、きのうなんじにねたの？
S: 朝５時。おきたのがおそかったから、あさはたべられなかった。はらへった。
Y: ５時？なんで？なにしてたの？
S: ギターもってさんぽして、やまにのぼってた。うちにかえったらごぜん３じだった。
Y: だめじゃん。
S: ゆうべはよぞらがすっごいきれいだったんだよ。
S: まちをみおろしながらギターひいてた。そらにはあかるいほしがたくさんひかってた。
Y: まじで？いいね。みたかったな。ほしすきなんだよね。
S: いく？あしたは？
Y: いや、あしたはバイトもダンスのレッスンもあるし、おばあちゃんちにも行かなきゃいけないしなあ。
S: じゃ、水曜は？
Y: いいよ。
S: OK。
～～～～ふつかごの教室
classmate: ふたりともだいじょうぶ？ゆうべなにしてたの？
～～～～けさごぜん６時。(ごぜん６時 is not よる.)
Y: ついた？
S: まだ。もうちょっと。もうちょいさき。
S: ついたよ。
S: おい、やまだ、だいじょうぶか。しっ かりしろよ。
Y: え
S: おきたか？
Y: げっ！もうあさ？
Y: っていうわけ。

 

[cherrykookie]

Thanks Toritoribe! Your post helped me a lot.
I only recently learned plain form.^^; You're Japanese is obviously much more advanced than mine.

My teacher said to just add か at the end, but then he's not very reliable.
It looks like you combined て and ~た form together? Is it odd to simply use ~た, Like, なにをしたの？ (just because we haven't learned te-ta form in class yet)

ギターもって

Does this need a を？

And also would this make sense?
そして、そらのうえにたくさんのあかるいほしをひかることがあった。

S: おきたか？

I thought you said you couldn't put か after the non-polite form ?_?

 

[Toritoribe]

I only recently learned plain form.

It's almost impossible to compose NATURAL conversation just using plain forms, and without colloquial forms.

My teacher said to just add か at the end, but then he's not very reliable.

I'm afraid I have to say yes. Or, you misunderstood something. Interrogative sentences like なんじにねるか？ or きのうなにをしたか？ are a typical "foreigners' Japanese". It's grammatically wrong.

It looks like you combined て and ~た form together? Is it odd to simply use ~た, Like, なにをしたの？ (just because we haven't learned te-ta form in class yet)

Awkward but acceptable. (なにをしてた is the contraction/colloquial form of なにをしていた. )

Does this need a を？

を is quite ofte omitted in colloquial conversation.

And also would this make sense?
そして、そらのうえにたくさんのあかるいほしをひかることがあった。

No. ひかる is an intransitive verb, so can't take を. It should be ほしがひかっていた.(You can't use ひかった/ひかることがあった here. It would be a bit advanced, though.)

I thought you said you couldn't put か after the non-polite form ?_?

This is not a question. You can think it as おきたのか.

 

[Angel Valis]

Interrogative sentences like なんじにねるか？ or きのうなにをしたか？ are a typical "foreigners' Japanese". It's grammatically wrong.

What about with volitional forms? My native Japanese teacher told us to put か after the volitional form when making requests. Or perhaps the "shall we?" English translation, doesn't count strictly as a question in Japanese? But also, I've heard requests made with volitional form without the use of か as well.

を is quite ofte omitted in colloquial conversation.

おまけ：As is は, が, and に (only when used to mark time). Also, the r-series (ら,り,る,れ,ろ) become ん before n-series sounds (な,に,ぬ,ね,の). Ex. わからない -> わかんない. Just remember that plain form doesn't simply mean casual, so don't use わかんない in a clause when the sentence is directed as someone you should be speaking to non-casually: unless of course you were quoting someone verbatim.

This is not a question. You can think it as おきたのか.

I don't know what the difference is...then again I have trouble with sentences ending in の quite often it seems. To be honest, I'm having trouble following the conversation after the classmate's line.

 

[Andromedashun]

Thanks Toritoribe! Your post helped me a lot.
I only recently learned plain form.^^;

You recently learned plain form and you were assigned to do hard conversation like this? I think the pace of your learning is too fast.

You're Japanese is obviously much more advanced than mine.

Toritoribe is native Japanese speaker, isn't he?

 

[staren]

Toritoribe is native Japanese speaker, isn't he?

I'm also curious about this
But I think he is...

 

[Toritoribe]

What about with volitional forms? My native Japanese teacher told us to put か after the volitional form when making requests. Or perhaps the "shall we?" English translation, doesn't count strictly as a question in Japanese? But also, I've heard requests made with volitional form without the use of か as well.

Yeah, it's not so simple, indeed.

☓何[なに]食[た]べるか？
☓何食べたか？(Probably 何を食べたか？ is acceptable in army as a question in a tone of strong comand, just like from a senior officer to a lower ranking soldier.)
○何食べようか？

○何食べますか？
○何食べましたか？
○何食べましょうか？

△これ食べるか？(male speech, from father to child, from elder brother to younger brother, between close friends)
△これ食べたか？(ditto)
○これ食べようか？

○これ食べますか？
○これ食べましたか？
○これ食べましょうか？

As in my examples above and the OP's なんじにねるか？, なにしたか?, か can't be add to a plain form question which contains an interrogative word like いつ, どこ, だれ, なに (except invitations or proposals, as you pointed out). Furthermore, "plain form + か" is not grammatically incorrect but could sound rude when the question doesn't contain any interrogative words(last harf of my examples). On the other hand, polite forms are relatively easy, since it's basically OK just to add か.(The meaning could be changed depending on the intonation, though.) That's why I recommend to use polite forms for beginner learners.

I don't know what the difference is...then again I have trouble with sentences ending in の quite often it seems. To be honest, I'm having trouble following the conversation after the classmate's line.

It means "Ah, you woke up", as in the OP's original English sentence.

Toritoribe is native Japanese speaker, isn't he?

I'm also curious about this
But I think he is...

You can see my profile.