Want to date Japanese guy advice please

[FluffyFree]

Hello,

I am a western girl living in Japan with decent Japanese skills and a fair ammount of cultural/situational understanding, but with next to no experience with Japanese guys. Finally it's happened there's a guy I like.

He is a friend of a friend. From the start I don't feel like it would be a good idea to place my (male) friend in a position to get me hooked up with his friend.

So its me all alone. First time I met this guy, it was with a huge group of people. Didn't talk much at all. Second time I met this guy was also in a group of people that ended up turning into a 6 hour karaoke session. I got to talk to this guy- Left the place like a teenager infatuated with her first love.

I got his mail address, and mailed him soon after saying the 'it was nice to have met you' type mail. I never got a response.

Impression 1. He's not a mailing sort of guy, so it isn't necessarily me.
Impression 2. He seemed to like me back, but maybe was unsure of the idea of dating a non-Japanese girl.

I feel the ball is in my court. I want to mail him, but I don't know what to say. I would settle with friendship, but my end game would be to try and really date this guy.

Japanese guys/girls culture enthusiasts, any ideas or advice? I don't want to wait too long...

Thanks!

 

[Mike Cash]

Your profile says you've been here from one to three months. How much longer do you plan to be here and is he aware of it?

 

[FinancialWar]

This is going to hurt but he's probably just not that into you.

 

[FluffyFree]

Your profile says you've been here from one to three months. How much longer do you plan to be here and is he aware of it?

I will be here for three more years. We didn't address how long I would be here.

 

[Mike Cash]

It might be a good idea to let him know. He might be under the impression you're here for a very short visit.

 

[FluffyFree]

This is going to hurt but he's probably just not that into you.

I keep thinking that too. Which is why I want to give this one mail a lot of consideration. I don't want to pressure him, or give any reason to feel awkward around me the next time we will inevitably meet- But I don't think I can just flat out 'drop' these bizarrely strong feelings for this guy without having the rejection-via-no-mail response. I just have to say something. Do you want to get a drink... Anything for a chance to meet up and maybe feel out the situation a bit better.

 

[Mike Cash]

This is where "Faint heart ne'er won fair maiden" and "You've come a long way, baby" meet: Ask him to go somewhere with you. Either that or try to arrange some more group outings....with the group getting smaller and smaller. Make it clear to a mutual acquaintance that you'd like to go out with him; word will get to him.

Maybe he has a girl already.
Maybe he's shy.
Maybe he thinks you wouldn't be interested.
Maybe he doesn't find you attractive.
Maybe he is intimidated (Western women's reputation precedes them).
Maybe he just doesn't take a hint very well.
Maybe he's gay.
Who the heck knows?

Test the waters from your side. You'll never know if they're warm or frigid unless you work up the nerve to at least stick a toe in the tub, so to speak.

 

[FluffyFree]

This is where "Faint heart ne'er won fair maiden" and "You've come a long way, baby" meet: Ask him to go somewhere with you. Either that or try to arrange some more group outings....with the group getting smaller and smaller. Make it clear to a mutual acquaintance that you'd like to go out with him; word will get to him.

Maybe he has a girl already.
Maybe he's shy.
Maybe he thinks you wouldn't be interested.
Maybe he doesn't find you attractive.
Maybe he is intimidated (Western women's reputation precedes them).
Maybe he just doesn't take a hint very well.
Maybe he's gay.
Who the heck knows?

Test the waters from your side. You'll never know if they're warm or frigid unless you work up the nerve to at least stick a toe in the tub, so to speak.

~Vigorously nods~

 

[ryuurui]

Probably scared of you. Western chicks dont come with a manual.

 

[Glenski]

To add to Mike's list, maybe he is married or engaged, maybe he couldn't read your message, maybe your message went into his spam mailbox,...

If it takes getting your friend involved, why not? All you really have to say is you want to get to know the guy more, not bear his children!!! Arrange a smaller group meeting, if nothing else.

 

[FinancialWar]

I keep thinking that too. Which is why I want to give this one mail a lot of consideration. I don't want to pressure him, or give any reason to feel awkward around me the next time we will inevitably meet- But I don't think I can just flat out 'drop' these bizarrely strong feelings for this guy without having the rejection-via-no-mail response. I just have to say something. Do you want to get a drink... Anything for a chance to meet up and maybe feel out the situation a bit better.

post a picture of yourself and I'll tell you if I'd be into you or not. Since I'm Chinese, I should have similar taste with Japanese men when it comes to Western women.

 

[Mike Cash]

Right, because all Asian men have the same taste in women. From your behavior in this thread should we also assume all Asian men are crude and boorish?

Aren't you the same guy who criticized me for rude and unhelpful posts?

 

[Grandpa Frank]

A million years ago in Japan.......

when I found my dream girl , I got no where on my own with her. My Japanese was not good enough to express deep thoughts and emotions at that time. I finally got my best buddy(Japanese) to help me. Within three weeks we were hooked up, got engaged and moved in togeather, due to his help. Sorry to say it did not have a "happy ever after" result in the end. I wanted to return to Maine(US) and she refused to leave Japan.Good luck to you , hope it works out.

Uncle Frank

 

[ryuurui]

To the OP: If i were you I'd take Frank's Uncle advise and stay clear as much as possible from that suicidal idea of yours. I live in Japan way over a decade, and I am not sure if I know more than 1 or 2 people who are more or less content with their relationship with a Japanese girl. I know no one who is happy with a Japanese guy. Find youself a guy who beeps on the same wave length as you do, as I seriously doubt this will click.

 

[Mike Cash]

Wow.

I didn't expect the stick-to-your-own-race advice to get trotted out.

 

[ryuurui]

Nothing to do with race, Mike, my wife is Asian, and I myself am mixed like a street dog.
I simply haven't heard of a westerner, be it a girl or man, happily married to a Japanese (unless one has 0 personality and enjoys adapting to any circumstances without getting frustrated).
The culture clash is too massive, regardless of how long one lives here, or how deep is one's knowledge of the culture and customs. Frank said the same thing, simply wrapped in in a soft cloth. She asked for an advise and this is mine, straight and to the point as anything I write or speak.

 

[Glenski]

To the OP: If i were you I'd take Frank's Uncle advise and stay clear as much as possible from that suicidal idea of yours. I live in Japan way over a decade, and I am not sure if I know more than 1 or 2 people who are more or less content with their relationship with a Japanese girl. I know no one who is happy with a Japanese guy. Find youself a guy who beeps on the same wave length as you do, as I seriously doubt this will click.

I'll counter that with stories of several foreign women who have married Japanese men and lived happily ever after. It's unbelievable that you would say with such assurance that it is not possible.

Should she try to find someone on the same wavelength? That goes without saying no matter what the nationality. Personally, I have always told people that I married a woman, not a nationality. She just happens to be Japanese.

I simply haven't heard of a westerner, be it a girl or man, happily married to a Japanese (unless one has 0 personality and enjoys adapting to any circumstances without getting frustrated).

You need to get out more. Does living abroad and/or marrying someone of a different nationality usually mean some kind of "adapting"? Hell, yes! That's pretty bloody obvious, but it's not the sign of death that you make it out to be. People can still retain their individuality. Well, maybe you can't...hard to say, but that's certainly what it sounds like.

 

[ryuurui]

Oh god lol, whatever you say man, i realy don't care what you guys think, nor if she takes my advise it or leaves it.
I don't have any issues with retaining my individuality, on the contrary, and I already mentioned above that I myself am in a mixed culture/race relationship. Natually many compromises had to be achieved, and grinding was quite interesting, and since both me and my wife have strong personalities and this makes it even more entertaining. The sevelral women you mentioned probably confirms the rule that it is not a good idea after all. Again, it is an opinion, based not on an evening programme on TV, but me living, working, interacting etc with Japanese people 1/3 of my life. And I do not advise what she is about to do.

 

[Mike Cash]

I've never seen a guy more overly self-impressed with how long he's been here, more ignorant of how meaningless and intellectually lame it is to offer in support of opinions, or more eager to whip it out in support of an un(der)informed opinion disguised as fact. It seldom amounts to anything more than an attempt at shouting others down by appearing to speak from a position of experience/authority and as such is an intimidation tactic....just plain old-fashioned schoolyard bullying.

OP (and anyone else, for that matter):

Anytime you see a position braced with the "I've been in Japan xx years" or "1/x of my life" crutches you should consider that it may because the position lacks the strength to stand on its own. When you see either of those two phrases your BS alarm should be clanging like a fire gong.

 

[ryuurui]

Well, see, we both have opinions. I don't try to intimidate anyone, simply speak up my mind.
I didn't ask anyone to like it or not, nor did I ask anyone to follow my advise.
I am sorry that the way I write may not seem kawaii to you.

 

[FinancialWar]

to OP: how much Japanese women quality do you have? Don't expect to be treated a queen like you do in the west. If you want to date a Japanese man, you have to be on your best behaviour all the time, be submissive and obedient and never talk back like you can with White guys.

edit: it is my impression and opinion of Japanese women.

 

[nice gaijin]

who would've thought a thread asking for help bagging a nameless, faceless "Japanese guy" result in racial stereotyping? It boggles the mind

 

[Mike Cash]

Well, he's only a nameless and faceless abstraction to us, not to our newfound smitten friend.

 

[Glenski]

I already mentioned above that I myself am in a mixed culture/race relationship.

So am I. Our experiences differ considerably, it seems. You don't even help the situation when you say your wife is "Asian". Well, if she's not Japanese (we don't even know that!), then your advice about a "suicidal idea" is moot.

Natually many compromises had to be achieved, and grinding was quite interesting,

What is "grinding"?

and since both me and my wife have strong personalities and this makes it even more entertaining. The sevelral women you mentioned probably confirms the rule that it is not a good idea after all.

You don't even know the women! Talk about leaping to conclusions without any data!

And, it is not a "rule". It's life.

Again, it is an opinion, based not on an evening programme on TV, but me living, working, interacting etc with Japanese people 1/3 of my life. And I do not advise what she is about to do.

No, of course you didn't. The expression "suicidal idea" was in no way a piece of advice or hint as to her situation.

If you want to date a Japanese man, you have to be on your best behaviour all the time, be submissive and obedient and never talk back like you can with White guys.

edit: it is my impression and opinion of Japanese women.

What pre-war movie are you basing that on? Whoo-boy!

 

[ryuurui]

Grinding as you grind stones so their rough surfaces match one another. I wont reply to the rest of it, as I simply dont see the point in engaging anymore in a discussion with a few charisma boys high on Japanofile hormones. And no, my wife is not Japanese, and thank Buddha for that. In any case, I know many great Japanese people, but I would not suggest what she is about to do. I thought forums were there to give one's opinion, but I guess this one is not ready for it yet, and dont suppose it ever will be.