Is it true Japanese men find discomfort in expressing emotions through words?

[gwendy85]

Like the simple I love you ?


I read somewhere that it's hard for Japanese men to say such affectionate words. Something like....

Japanese men are cruel to their women in public but treat them like gold at home.

This was from somewhere online, I don't know where. Is it true?

And what about during the war? Was expressing emotions of love so hard to do for men? Why?

Appreciate the input

 

[taehyun]

No, it is quite easy for them if they don't mean it really. For a Japanese male "I love you " means mostly "I want to sleep with you".

Japanese men are cruel to their women in public but treat them like gold at home

If I told you that 2+2= 5 it would be more correct than the above statement.
Japanese men absolutely disrespect women and treat them either as sexual objects, or as free maids.

Samurai way of thinking is at the bottom of everything. The court men from Fujivara clan freely expressed all their emotions, and the Northern bushi (warriors) just wanted to be different , the tough guys.And so it started...till now.

 

[MajideSaiaku]

I dunno, my girlfriends parents didnt see eye to eye always but there was some times when they seemed genuinely happy.

Its a love-hate kinda thing, like most relationships, Japanese or otherwise.

Some guys anywhere treat women like dirt, some dont.

 

[hkBattousai]

No, it is quite easy for them if they don't mean it really. For a Japanese male "I love you " means mostly "I want to sleep with you".

Isn't it same for every male on this planet? Not Japanese men only.

 

[KirinMan]

No, it is quite easy for them if they don't mean it really. For a Japanese male "I love you " means mostly "I want to sleep with you".
If I told you that 2+2= 5 it would be more correct than the above statement.
Japanese men absolutely disrespect women and treat them either as sexual objects, or as free maids.
Samurai way of thinking is at the bottom of everything. The court men from Fujivara clan freely expressed all their emotions, and the Northern bushi (warriors) just wanted to be different , the tough guys.And so it started...till now.

Boy did you get burnt or something by a Japanese guy?

To make a general statement like that is similar to the Japanese health minister calling women baby-making machines.

Talking about the Fujiwara-clan.....I think you are in the wrong century here.

I hope that you are being sarcastic in your response here and if you are I apologize. If not then the comments stay.

 

[KirinMan]

I dunno, my girlfriends parents didnt see eye to eye always but there was some times when they seemed genuinely happy.

Its a love-hate kinda thing, like most relationships, Japanese or otherwise.

Some guys anywhere treat women like dirt, some dont.

And in some cases vice versa as well.

 

[Devious]

I heard that before like at least until 21st-century Japanese men misbehave with women, but I thought the situation has changed... hm... the world has proved that women aren't so fragile and only suited for being housewives ... so is it the same in Japan as it was before?

 

[Alma]

Isn't it same for every male on this planet? Not Japanese men only.

i just wanted to say same!
but, i believe, that depends from person to person (like every other thing)

 

[nice gaijin]

I just caught a glimpse of a movie on tv about samurai, and there was a LOT of crying done by the male actors. Seems that even the concept of all samurai as stonefaced manly men is deluded.

 

[Revenant]

Generally I think Japanese men wouldn't say 'I love you', not sure why, but I don't think it is beyond Japanese women to know whether a guy loves them or not, after all, they grew up with these guys all around, and they would have some idea how a guy would express his affection.

Perhaps Japanese women can more often compare Japanese men against men of other cultures, and therefore conclude that their men aren't as romantic and less expressive, and that the Japanese women often don't know how to read men of other cultures as accurately as they could Japanese men might make them more prone to misreading more base interests (which expressed honestly isn't bad in itself) with actual affection.

 

[taehyun]

Boy did you get burnt or something by a Japanese guy?
To make a general statement like that is similar to the Japanese health minister calling women baby-making machines.
Talking about the Fujiwara-clan.....I think you are in the wrong century here.
I hope that you are being sarcastic in your response here and if you are I apologize. If not then the comments stay.

No, I'm not being sarcastic, and yes, I got burned, several times, every time starting with the thought that I shouldn't make generalizations and not all are the same, especially if they have different social background.And it is not like the Japanese health minister, because it is based on experience.
I'm already 5 years in Japan, and the first 2 were such happy years, when I still could trust that I've just been out of luck...If your female relative experienced even half of it, you would generalize too.
I have my Korean BF for 3 years and even if he doesn't say "saranghe" often, he respects me and I know that he loves me.
Many Japanese have said to me "I love you " an hour after we meet, and when I ask them "But you don't even know me", they answer, guess what?"But you are so cute!"
What does it mean, I wonder...

 

[Beer Baron]

well I think in general you can't say japanese men treat women badly. some do. but there are plenty of western men that treat women badly. plenty of korean men that treat women badly too.

However, many japanese girls I've been with did tell me I was such a sweet guy, and romantic etc (but most western girls I've been with didn't say that?). so maybe on average japanese guys are a little colder. I had been with a girl for a while, and yes we had slept together etc, but I had never told her I loved her and she asked me why. and I just said: "because I'm honest" it's such an important thing. I told her: "I do care for you lots, and I like you a lot and love spending time with you, but after just a few weeks together I can't say I love you". and she was happy with that. she told me she was so glad I was honest as many guys will just say: "I love you" like it's nothing at all.

and that the Japanese women often don't know how to read men of other cultures as accurately as they could Japanese men might make them more prone to misreading more base interests (which expressed honestly isn't bad in itself) with actual affection.

yes, this is so true. many japanese girls I know (some as just friends, some I've had relationships with) told me they often can't read western men very well and find it hard to gauge a western guys intentions, or even just get a vibe on whether he is a good guy or not or a massive liar or not. So they often ask me to meet and evaluate their prospective gaijin boyfriends. some of them I've met I knew were dodgy guys straight away. suffering badly from LBH (loser back home) syndrome and just in japan trying desperately to pick up a japanese girl and using a wide range of bullshit to do it. I was so surprised that some of these nice girls couldn't see through them when it was so easy for me.

 

[Revenant]

......because it is based on experience.

Obviously it isn't everyone's experience, and there certainly are a lot of women who are content with their partner.

Many Japanese have said to me "I love you " an hour after we meet, and when I ask them "But you don't even know me", they answer, guess what? "But you are so cute!"

What does it mean, I wonder...

That hardly fits with the majority of Japanese men I meet. If you're meeting them at a bar, then a lot of them have got hormone-driven-beer-sodden intentions, which as I said before, I don't find anything wrong with, so long as all are clear on what's going down.

 

[taehyun]

Obviously it isn't everyone's experience, and there certainly are a lot of women who are content with their partner

OK, I agree. Starting an argument here won't lead to anything, only because we are looking at the problem from different points of view, so I'll just leave it like that.
Let's put it like that: I gave my personal opinion on the question, based on my personal experience, from my personal point of view. It is up to the OP to take it into consideration or not.

I won't change my opinion on Japanese men, though.

 

[gwendy85]

Well, appreciate the input. I guess it all stems from the comparison of cultures and how one grows up. And maybe I'm just spoiled with the few books I've read.

There's a line in my novel-in-progress that states:

ﾂ"No goodbyes. We'll be seeing each other again, won't we?ﾂ" He also wanted to tell her how much he loved her, but even at their impending separation, couldn't bring himself to say it. As with most Japanese men, he found discomfort and shame in expressing such intimate feelings.

This is set in World War II. Is that last sentence accurate or is the paragraph better off without it?

Arigato!

 

[Kara_Nari]

No, I'm not being sarcastic, and yes, I got burned, several times, every time starting with the thought that I shouldn't make generalizations and not all are the same, especially if they have different social background.And it is not like the Japanese health minister, because it is based on experience.
I'm already 5 years in Japan, and the first 2 were such happy years, when I still could trust that I've just been out of luck...If your female relative experienced even half of it, you would generalize too.
I have my Korean BF for 3 years and even if he doesn't say "saranghe" often, he respects me and I know that he loves me.
Many Japanese have said to me "I love you " an hour after we meet, and when I ask them "But you don't even know me", they answer, guess what?"But you are so cute!"
What does it mean, I wonder...

I find your comments interesting, and Im not writing a reply to spite you...
You are lucky to find your Korean boyfriend, who sounds like a nice guy compared to the Japanese who burned you.
In my experience, Korean men too aren't all that much better than how you claim Japanese men to be.
All the comments you made, I too have had experience with in Korea... I guess it just means that 'generally speaking' there are going to be undesirables anywhere. Perhaps in overpopulated cities, where you frequent the same kind of places, then it will happen more than perhaps other places.
Anyway, take everything that happens to you as an 'experience' try not to let it bother you too much, and good luck for your future with you loving guy.

To others, generalising with self experience is justified. Basing things on movies or drama series... well, a lot of truth can be distorted, love stories waaaaay over hyped, and things aren't always as they seem.

Hmm my five cents... it's been a while.



Oh, and in actual response to the actual question...
I've had a couple of Japanese boyfriends, and I would rather they don't just throw around 'I love you' here and there. I think some cultures really use it too commonly, and therefore it isn't as special.
Love comes in so many different forms.
It's the respect you get from your partner, your unspoken understanding of each others feelings, and what lengths in which they are prepared to go to for you to have a somewhat happy lifetime together.
Sure it is a nice thing to hear, but if you aren't brought up around it, then you aren't really going to miss it. Maybe its just strange looking in from the outside.
Then of course you get your 'I love you' which translates as 'I wanna **** you', it's easy to translate that one in a bar full of drunken ojiji.

 

[Beer Baron]

Well, appreciate the input. I guess it all stems from the comparison of cultures and how one grows up. And maybe I'm just spoiled with the few books I've read.
There's a line in my novel-in-progress that states:
This is set in World War II. Is that last sentence accurate or is the paragraph better off without it?
Arigato!

Definately better off without the last sentence I think. It's almost a bit offensive as I don't think any japanese man would be ashamed of telling someone he loves them. not a sane one anyway.

perhaps something like:

"but even at their impending separation, couldn't bring himself to say it. He felt that revealing his true feelings as he left would put undue emotional strain on her over the coming months."

 

[Revenant]

I won't change my opinion on Japanese men, though.

I see, and I don't see this as an argument, as argument implies harder feelings (none of which I have in this thread). Personally I know that my personal experience is very limited, much more than just being there and feeling my own feelings, cause first I know people in the same situation have completely different experiences, just cause everyone's attention is focused in different ways, and attention is limited.

I do believe that if you took your time, you would have no trouble finding the kind of guy you were looking for in Japan. I certainly know guys who make superb husbands here in Japan, as a lot of them have been my students, and

I also know that a lot of especially younger guys are just out for one thing.
Psychology Today had an interesting article on the mechanics of attraction. From an evolutionary perspective, it would have served a man well to propogate his genes in as many women as possible, while for a woman, it would have been more in her interest to find a guy who would provide her with the resources to raise her child.

Intelligent guys seem to have more success in 'mating' with a lot of different chicks, while intelligent chicks seem to have more success in reading a man's true intentions and deciding if that's something she wants. Those that were poor at reading a man's intentions were better off just considering all guys as just out for the 'one thing'.

Provided that's all just theory, and you'd be better off reading the article for yourself in Psychology Today to get the whole idea, and then decide for yourself if it makes sense to you or you think the researchers are off their rockers.
According to the test on male intelligence, I figured on the low end of average as far as 'love intelligence'. It was interesting nonetheless.

 

[KirinMan]

OK, I agree. Starting an argument here won't lead to anything, only because we are looking at the problem from different points of view, so I'll just leave it like that.
Let's put it like that: I gave my personal opinion on the question, based on my personal experience, from my personal point of view. It is up to the OP to take it into consideration or not.
I won't change my opinion on Japanese men, though.

I respect you for sharing your personal opinion.

But I question your judgement on all Japanese men.

I've been burned by American women when I was younger so using your logic would it be fair for me to brand all American women as being the same?
You know the answer to that one I am sure.

I personally think it is a matter of maturity or should I say immaturity.

Intelligent guys seem to have more success in 'mating' with a lot of different chicks, while intelligent chicks seem to have more success in reading a man's true intentions and deciding if that's something she wants. Those that were poor at reading a man's intentions were better off just considering all guys as just out for the 'one thing'.

Interesting point, taehyun is it possible that the part underlined in red defines you and your ability to read a mans intentions, outside of the few obvious exceptions that you already gave here?

Hell I am not always great at reading women intentions either. Think about that please, it might help.

 

[TOKYO64]

I wouldn't want to generalize and say that all Japanese men treat their women bad. What they do inside and alone with their women is very private. In Japan, a place where (and this is Asia wide) as soon as you walk out of your home you have no privacy whatsoever, the only place you can express yourself and show your emotions is in the home. Japanese men may not show their romance in public like Westerners but they do have feelings like any other man. I have a lot of friends in Japan that love their woman for many different reasons.

 

[taehyun]

Interesting point, taehyun is it possible that the part underlined in red defines you and your ability to read a mans intentions, outside of the few obvious exceptions that you already gave here?
Think about that please, it might help.

Inteligent chics are good in reading man's intentions.Those who are not good in it= low IQ?
Gee, probably you are right. I'm the first one to be giving lectures and presentations, publishing papers and completing a dissertation with my poor low IQ.
I was talking not about the men in general, I'm talking about the Japanese men here. I've given up trying to read them only because there was nothing inside to read. Or what I read wasn't worth the efforts to read it.

 

[Revenant]

Inteligent chics are good in reading man's intentions.Those who are not good in it= low IQ?

Gee, probably you are right. I'm the first one to be giving lectures and presentations, publishing papers and completing a dissertation with my poor low IQ.

That's incorrect, low intelligence in one area doesn't equate low intelligence in another. You may have a very high IQ, and I certainly know people with very high IQs that don't seem to do well in the mating department at all. That I scored on the low end of average on the magazine's mating intellgence quiz certainly doesn't mean I have low IQ. My IQ is average, my mating intelligence is supposedly low.

Apart from that, I give up on your obvious overgeneralization of Japanese men.

 

[KirinMan]

I was talking not about the men in general, I'm talking about the Japanese men here. I've given up trying to read them only because there was nothing inside to read. Or what I read wasn't worth the efforts to read it.

I still find it difficult to believe that someone who says that they have a high level of intelligence can make such generalizations about one nation's male population.

You tell me, would I be naive, ingnorant or uneducated if I used your way of thinking to generalize about all American women. I think that if I made a commentary such as that I would be showing that I am immature and unable to separate the differences between an idiot woman and an intelligent one worthy of my time and attention. If you are as intelligent as you think you are, then you should understand the differences, otherwise all anyone can do is hope that someday you'll understand.

Oh and I knew exactly that you were refering to all Japanese men.
I also know a number of women who have high IO's and are extremely intelligent, but have absolutely "zero" people skills and can not even "read" other women let alone men.

Just as Revenant wrote and I agree with as well, intelligence does not give people any special ability to interact, communicate, or "read" people. In fact I also know quite a few men and women that are as "dumb as a doorknob" intelligence (uneducated) wise, yet have people skills that I envy, they can read between the lines and then some, and they are very adept at nuances in communication and "reading" people.

 

[nice gaijin]

Just so this doesn't become an argument over nationalities and generalizations, taehyun is not American. I believe she's originally from the Philippines (please do me if I'm mistaken). Either way, it would probably be best to drop this line of argument; intelligence and social skills are not related this way, and that has nothing to do with whether Japanese men have difficulty expressing their feelings or not.

Back to Gwendy's original question, I would recommend leaving any generalization about the Japanese people out of your book. Stick to character-building plot devices, rather than ones that reinforce stereotypes.

 

[KirinMan]

Just so this doesn't become an argument over nationalities and generalizations, @taehyun is not American. I believe she's originally from the Philippines (please do me if I'm mistaken). Either way, it would probably be best to drop this line of argument; intelligence and social skills are not related this way, and that has nothing to do with whether Japanese men have difficulty expressing their feelings or not.
Back to Gwendy's original question, I would recommend leaving any generalization about the Japanese people out of your book. Stick to character-building plot devices, rather than ones that reinforce stereotypes.

Fair enough, in this case making a generalization about all Japanese men is improper as well. In my opinion, generalizations may be more proper for mundane topics not in discussions however about the entire sex of a particular country.
Back on the topic here from the OP

Japanese men are cruel to their women in public but treat them like gold at home

Why or should I ask where did you get that impression? Cruel is a rather harsh term and specifics would be helpful in giving a more informed answer.
Could you please share exactly where or what publication you were reading that gave you that particular information?

And what about during the war? Was expressing emotions of love so hard to do for men? Why?

Unless we have posters here in their 70's or 80's and are Japanese I think all the responses that you will get are either hearsay or 3rd party responses from other peoples experiences. Like @nice gaijin wrote and with which I agree reinforcing stereotypes and generalizations about a people does very little if any good.

Did you happen to read this article from the Asahi Times;

http://www.asahi.com/english/Herald-asahi/TKY200701290080.html

There was a thread here somewhere recently about this as well. To me, it sounds like there was something "romantic" here as well. However, the romance to me was Japanese style and not as direct as what one might expect from a westerner.