Does she like me or am I imagining it?

[Hudts]

So I'm in university here in Japan and have meet someone that I enjoy talking to and seeing. The thing is, I don't know if she likes me.

We are in the same class and group so we sit next to each other every day we have class. During class we talk a little bit about things we like, when talking she stares directly into my eyes and doesn't really look away. She laughs at all my stupid jokes, for example she loves a meme that I sent her and laughs whenever she sees it.

Just the other day after class we walked back to the bus together and were laughing a lot and rode the bus together back. After she got off I sent her an animal meme to which there was a short meme back and forth.

The part that makes me think that she is just being friendly is that it takes her multiple hours to respond sometimes, while other times it's very fast. I don't expect immediate response, but it's confusing me as to what she thinks.

 

[Lothor]

It sounds positive, particularly the eye contact, and the delay in replying could be for all kinds of reasons unrelated to how interested she is in you (family commitments, university work, etc.). Other people might already assume that you're a couple if you're spending that much time together. I suggest making a move - I'm sure you can think of something that you'd both enjoy doing (e.g., watching a film) and invite her along. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

 

[Hudts]

It sounds positive, particularly the eye contact, and the delay in replying could be for all kinds of reasons unrelated to how interested she is in you (family commitments, university work, etc.). Other people might already assume that you're a couple if you're spending that much time together. I suggest making a move - I'm sure you can think of something that you'd both enjoy doing (e.g., watching a film) and invite her along. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

So, I have asked her twice to do something, but they were last minute so she couldn't go. I actually just asked her over text if she wanted to go to a cat cafe next month. I probably should have asked in person, but I didn't want to do it in front of her friends.

 

[nice gaijin]

You never know what's going on at the other end of a text conversation, so I wouldn't put too much weight on her response times. in fact, I would relax all concerns and expectations around that... people are pretty busy all the time, and it's better to just be grateful that people take the time to respond when they can, instead of feeling entitled to their immediate attention.

That said, it sounds like you're hitting it off, mazel tov. If you are interested in her (and don't mind the risk that she's not interested or takes it the wrong way), get to know her better and if the opportunity presents itself, ask if she'd be interested in going on a date. "Date" would remove any ambiguity, but you could invite her to something you think she would enjoy, and certain things are more "date" material like going to a movie, concert, event or art experience.

 

[Hudts]

You never know what's going on at the other end of a text conversation, so I wouldn't put too much weight on her response times. in fact, I would relax all concerns and expectations around that... people are pretty busy all the time, and it's better to just be grateful that people take the time to respond when they can, instead of feeling entitled to their immediate attention.

That said, it sounds like you're hitting it off, mazel tov. If you are interested in her (and don't mind the risk that she's not interested or takes it the wrong way), get to know her better and if the opportunity presents itself, ask if she'd be interested in going on a date. "Date" would remove any ambiguity, but you could invite her to something you think she would enjoy, and certain things are more "date" material like going to a movie, concert, event or art experience.

I did ask her to a couple things, but they were last minute. I just recently asked her if she wanted to go to a cat cafe since she likes cats. But it was over text since I didn't want to do it in front of her friends. But I might just ask in person to confirm and say something like "I'd like to take you to the cat cafe"

 

[nice gaijin]

I did ask her to a couple things, but they were last minute. I just recently asked her if she wanted to go to a cat cafe since she likes cats. But it was over text since I didn't want to do it in front of her friends. But I might just ask in person to confirm and say something like "I'd like to take you to the cat cafe"

That sounds good, don't be pushy and send too many texts. She'll respond when she can, and if you see her again before she can reply, bring it up in an appropriate moment. Modern romance is a rocket ship that runs on pure vibes, 空気を読んでください

I like the wording, it's direct but gives her space. It's funny, in the states I would say it's probably preferable to ask someone to something specific, as it's more concrete than a vague "do you want to hang out sometime?" But in Japan I'd try to be more respectful of the hectic schedules everyone has, and just indicate that you'd like to do something with them, and maybe wait to talk availability until after they've indicated that they're up for it (or "chotto"....not)

 

[Hudts]

That sounds good, don't be pushy and send too many texts. She'll respond when she can, and if you see her again before she can reply, bring it up in an appropriate moment. Modern romance is a rocket ship that runs on pure vibes, 空気を読んでください

I like the wording, it's direct but gives her space. It's funny, in the states I would say it's probably preferable to ask someone to something specific, as it's more concrete than a vague "do you want to hang out sometime?" But in Japan I'd try to be more respectful of the hectic schedules everyone has, and just indicate that you'd like to do something with them, and maybe wait to talk availability until after they've indicated that they're up for it (or "chotto"....not)

Thanks for the support! She replied so that's nice. However, she replied with みんなだ行きますか？and while I'm still new to Japanese I don't understand who else she thinks is going? She did tell me that her friends told her about the cat cafe, I also haven't heard anything about a boyfriend.

 

[Buntaro]

Hi Hudts and welcome to the forum.

Ask her to go play ping-pong. If she wants to bring her friends, that's okay. (Most universities have a ping-pong room.)

It's important at this stage to keep it to fun activities and not go on dates. Afterwards, stop by a fast food restaurant, get a bite to eat, and talk (Do this with her friends too, if her friends come along.)

She may want to bring friends along because she may not feel comfortable going on a 'date' one on one with you yet. If so, you need to bring her friends along.

Find other fun activities the two of you like to do together. If you have to ask her in front of her friends, invite her friends to come along to play ping-pong.

It might be better to find a ping-pong place first.

Let us know how it turns out.

At this point, it's all about building a friendship not a romance.

The idea here is for her to learn all your personality 'flaws' before starting a romance with you (and vice versa). So tell me; what are all of your personality 'flaws' and quirks? (And what are all of her's?) For example, are you overly shy? Overly loud and aggressive? Do you lack self-confidence? You are making a huge mistake if you think the average Japanese girl wants to get into a relationship with you before finding out about all your flaws and quirks.

It's important in the beginning to slow down and not be in a rush to begin a romance. If you find that you are in a rush, you may benefit from talking to a counselor or therapist.

 

[Hudts]

S

Hi Hudts and welcome to the forum.

Ask her to go play ping-pong. If she wants to bring her friends, that's okay. (Most universities have a ping-pong room.)

It's important at this stage to keep it to fun activities and not go on dates. Afterwards, stop by a fast food restaurant, get a bite to eat, and talk (Do this with her friends too, if her friends come along.)

She may want to bring friends along because she may not feel comfortable going on a 'date' one on one with you yet. If so, you need to bring her friends along.

Find other fun activities the two of you like to do together. If you have to ask her in front of her friends, invite her friends to come along to play ping-pong.

It might be better to find a ping-pong place first.

Let us know how it turns out.

At this point, it's all about building a friendship not a romance.

The idea here is for her to learn all your personality 'flaws' before starting a romance with you (and vice versa). So tell me; what are all of your personality 'flaws' and quirks? (And what are all of her's?) For example, are you overly shy? Overly loud and aggressive? Do you lack self-confidence? You are making a huge mistake if you think the average Japanese girl wants to get into a relationship with you before finding out about all your flaws and quirks.

It's important in the beginning to slow down and not be in a rush to begin a romance. If you find that you are in a rush, you may benefit from talking to a counselor or therapist.

So, should I ask her if she would like to bring some of her friends along?

I think one of my flaws is that I overthink lots of things. As for other ones, I don't really have an idea.

As for her flaws, I don't know any flaws she might have, but I'm willing to learn them

 

[Buntaro]

Yes, ask her if she wants to bring friends along . (At this point, I even encourage it. You should even go so far as to directly ask a friend of hers to come along. "Let's all play ping-pong. It'll be fun!")

If you don't know all of your flaws, get busy discovering them. (Be advised, this could take years .) The sooner you start, the better. (This is something perhaps better done with a counselor or even a church pastor.)

Start looking for hints of any flaws she may have. Once again, this will be a slow process, so plan for this to take time.

You also have to start slowly and intentionally revealing all of your flaws to her, slowly and one at a time (It is probably too early to start doing this.) And do it in an honest, self-revealing way, not in an angry, combative, arguing way. (This is a good example of something you should probably practice doing with a counselor or pastor first.)

I can tell you from personal experience, it is much better to learn all of each other's personality flaws before starting a relationship than after starting one.

Japan is a very conservative country. If a boy and girl are seen walking down the street together, many people automatically assume they are a couple. This is may be unsettling to your lady friend, in which case always having a friend of hers along for the time being is a good idea. (And if her parents saw the two of you, it might totally freak everyone out.)

We also have to admit there are anti-gaijin feelings in Japan, which may make her even more uncomfortable walking down the road with just the two of you. It is probably too early for this, but eventually you are going to have to ask her about it. And for some Japanese girls, just walking down the road holding hands with a boy is out of the question (even more so with a gaijin). Once again, when the time comes, you will need to discuss this with her.

Let us know when you have the first group ping-pong event and how it goes.

 

[Lothor]

S

So, should I ask her if she would like to bring some of her friends along?

I think one of my flaws is that I overthink lots of things. As for other ones, I don't really have an idea.

As for her flaws, I don't know any flaws she might have, but I'm willing to learn them

Maybe let her decide if her friends are to come (i.e., put the ping-pong ball on her side of the net!). You've given her a signal of interest, so you can let her signal back how she feels at the moment by not inviting her friends or inviting them.

 

[Hudts]

Maybe let her decide if her friends are to come (i.e., put the ping-pong ball on her side of the net!). You've given her a signal of interest, so you can let her signal back how she feels at the moment by not inviting her friends or inviting them.

Alright. I just let her know that I am fine if she wants to invite more people, which she seemed happy about

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Yeah, the friends coming along thing used to bug me, too. But I really think that's standard operating procedure in Japan, so don't let it bother you. With her friends along, she will be more relaxed, which is good for you in the long run, as long as you can remain patient.

 

[Hudts]

Yeah, the friends coming along thing used to bug me, too. But I really think that's standard operating procedure in Japan, so don't let it bother you. With her friends along, she will be more relaxed, which is good for you in the long run, as long as you can remain patient.

So, I asked if she wanted to go in a few weeks, but she took a very long time to respond with "I'll be in my hometown during that time". I don't know if I should ask if she is free a different time or not.

 

[Hudts]

Yes, ask her if she wants to bring friends along . (At this point, I even encourage it. You should even go so far as to directly ask a friend of hers to come along. "Let's all play ping-pong. It'll be fun!")

If you don't know all of your flaws, get busy discovering them. (Be advised, this could take years .) The sooner you start, the better. (This is something perhaps better done with a counselor or even a church pastor.)

Start looking for hints of any flaws she may have. Once again, this will be a slow process, so plan for this to take time.

You also have to start slowly and intentionally revealing all of your flaws to her, slowly and one at a time (It is probably too early to start doing this.) And do it in an honest, self-revealing way, not in an angry, combative, arguing way. (This is a good example of something you should probably practice doing with a counselor or pastor first.)

I can tell you from personal experience, it is much better to learn all of each other's personality flaws before starting a relationship than after starting one.

Japan is a very conservative country. If a boy and girl are seen walking down the street together, many people automatically assume they are a couple. This is may be unsettling to your lady friend, in which case always having a friend of hers along for the time being is a good idea. (And if her parents saw the two of you, it might totally freak everyone out.)

We also have to admit there are anti-gaijin feelings in Japan, which may make her even more uncomfortable walking down the road with just the two of you. It is probably too early for this, but eventually you are going to have to ask her about it. And for some Japanese girls, just walking down the road holding hands with a boy is out of the question (even more so with a gaijin). Once again, when the time comes, you will need to discuss this with her.

Let us know when you have the first group ping-pong event and how it goes.

I asked if she wanted to go in a few weeks. Unfortunately, it took a very long time for her to respond (I assume due to tests) with "I'll be in my hometown during that time". I don't want to seem pushy for asking again for a different date that would work for her.

 

[Buntaro]

I agree, don't be pushy.

Wait until her weekend in her hometown passes, then ask her again. Ask her a total of two more times. But only two more times.

 

[Hudts]

I agree, don't be pushy.

Wait until her weekend in her hometown passes, then ask her again. Ask her a total of two more times. But only two more times.

Alright, I will do that. Hopefully, we can hang out and at least be friends. Thank you for the support.

 

[Buntaro]

Hudts, you have learned a painful lesson, which is this: when you meet a girl you like, put all romantic thoughts aside and work on becoming friends first. No dates or any romantic stuff for the first six months. (This is true of all women but especially Japanese women.)

I am going to change my advice and tell you not to mention ping-pong for another six months. Treat her just like 'one of the guys' for the next six months. Just hang out. Build up a good, solid friendship first. Get it to the point where you can ask her if her parents are bothered by her hanging out with a foreigner. (It's way too early to ask her something like this right now.) I think you have 'spooked' her and it is going to take at least six months to get her 'unspooked.'

Keep us posted as to how it is going. All of us here on this forum are pulling for you!

 

[Grandpa Frank]

When chasing a girl went wrong for me , LOL. After several drinks , I decided to follow the girl I just met at a bar (and her 3 friends) and was interested in. I followed from a distance and watched them board a train. I bought a ticket and hopped into the train car just behind them. As soon as the train started moving , I joined them. They were a bit freaked out to say the least. Little did I know they lived 3 hours by train from Fukuoka in a tiny town. When we got there , it turns out most of the little country town had never seen a "gaijin" up close. For the day I was there , I felt like the man from Mars with everyone staring at me and following us around. I was lucky I had a few days off , or the Navy would have labeled me AWOL. In the end , the girl and her friends came to Fukuoka every weekend and I did end up with the girl of my dreams. It did take about 3 more months to convince her I was the one , LOL.

 

[Achilles 1-1]

When chasing a girl went wrong for me , LOL. After several drinks , I decided to follow the girl I just met at a bar (and her 3 friends) and was interested in. I followed from a distance and watched them board a train. I bought a ticket and hopped into the train car just behind them. As soon as the train started moving , I joined them. They were a bit freaked out to say the least. Little did I know they lived 3 hours by train from Fukuoka in a tiny town. When we got there , it turns out most of the little country town had never seen a "gaijin" up close. For the day I was there , I felt like the man from Mars with everyone staring at me and following us around. I was lucky I had a few days off , or the Navy would have labeled me AWOL. In the end , the girl and her friends came to Fukuoka every weekend and I did end up with the girl of my dreams. It did take about 3 more months to convince her I was the one , LOL.

That's why I love Japan. Every Gaijin is considered exotic in some parts, LOL.

 

[Lothor]

That's why I love Japan. Every Gaijin is considered exotic in some parts, LOL.

Being exoticised really wears thin after a while, and it very rarely happens in person in Japan, even in remote parts. The media try their best though, with their excited prattling about gaikokujin.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Being exoticised really wears thin after a while,

Ain't that the truth! If you do live in one of those small towns, as a foreigner there is no such thing as privacy. Because you stand out, everybody seems to know everywhere you go and everything you do. It really gets old quickly.

 

[Grandpa Frank]

Back in the early 70's , there were just a few black members on base to start with. I found it really weird watching Japanese girls rubbing their skin to see if the color would come off. Having people stare at you and point at you or a group of people outside a restaurant watching you through the window while you eat does wear thin after a while. Once in a while , usually a drunk Japanese male would give my female friends a lecture about hanging out with a gaijin. I doubt this happens now in the larger cities.

 

[Lothor]

Back in the early 70's , there were just a few black members on base to start with. I found it really weird watching Japanese girls rubbing their skin to see if the color would come off. Having people stare at you and point at you or a group of people outside a restaurant watching you through the window while you eat does wear thin after a while. Once in a while , usually a drunk Japanese male would give my female friends a lecture about hanging out with a gaijin. I doubt this happens now in the larger cities.

And probably not much in rural areas in Japan. When I wrote my post, I was thinking about my time as one of the very few whites living in a fairly remote part of Africa before the internet was widely used.

 

[Achilles 1-1]

Back in the early 70's , there were just a few black members on base to start with. I found it really weird watching Japanese girls rubbing their skin to see if the color would come off. Having people stare at you and point at you or a group of people outside a restaurant watching you through the window while you eat does wear thin after a while. Once in a while , usually a drunk Japanese male would give my female friends a lecture about hanging out with a gaijin. I doubt this happens now in the larger cities.

@Grandpa Frank , you should make a big journal where everyday, you post another one of your crazy stories. That would easily be the most popular thread/journal on the forum!