Working on a little scenario for class...

[ArdenD]

I am working on getting a little scenario set up for my class (as an extra credit assignment) and I know a lot of people are weary about giving out translations when it means grades (I know *I* don't like doing homework for others, so I know how all of you must feel) but I am working diligently on trying to get this all myself, but some things I just can't fathom a correct translation for... this is a work in progress for the next week or so...

Anyway, first, I need the Japanese translation for Narrator (it's going to be a story, of sorts), anyway... here goes. I will put my assumed translation of each underneath my garbled Japanese...:

Narrator: あさです。ビジーさんはおきて、ぞくはつしてけんとうがつかない。
(It's morning. Biji-san wakes up, ***he has no idea what is in store for him*** this was a HOPEFUL attempt at trying to combine an expression with a verb in the te form... HELP!! )

Mariko: おはようビジーさん。

Biji: あやまあ！
(Oh my god!)

Mariko: なんでしょう、あなた。
(What is it, my love? -- Thanks Paul!)

Biji: なにも。なにも。
(Nothing. Nothing.)

Narrator: さくばんビジーさんは いっしょ に あえらない おぼえますん。
(I'm trying to say the following: Biji doesn't remember Mariko coming home with him yesterday.)

Narrator: いまビジーさはさくばんをおぼえています。
(Biji is remembering last night...)

(Flashback, Phone rings...)

Biji: もしもし。

Mariko: もしもし。ビジーさんはいらっしゃいますか。
(Hello, is Biji there?)

Biji: はい、ビジーです。

Mariko: ええ、まりこですが、おげんきですか。
(Ah, this is Mariko, how are you?)

Biji: げんきです。
(Fine)

Mariko: ...
(I am trying to say here: I was wondering if you could do me a favor. sleepy time kicked in before I could attempt this... I will edit in tomorrow when I get a chance with my attempt)

Biji: はい、なにおいりますか。
(Sure, what did you need?)

Mariko: わたしのうちにこんばんコンピューターをなおしますか。こわれます。
(Can you come to my house tonight to fix my computer? It's broken)

Biji: すみません、ばんはけっこです。ばすのりばでとうきょうにともだちにあって、あしたよんじごごにいきませんか。
(I'm sorry, but I can't come tonight. I'm meeting my friend at the Bus Stop in Tokyo. What about if I come tomorrow at 4 PM though?)

Mariko: はい、あしたにあいましょう。じゃまた。
(Yes, I'll see/meet you tomorrow. Later)

Biji: いってきます。
(See you later)

(Later... at Mariko's house...)

Biji: こんいちはまりこ。コンピューターはどこですか。
(Hello Mariko. Where is your computer?)



TO BE CONTINUED... That's all I have for now, I've got about another set like this to do and I should be finished, any help at all any of you can provide would be GREAT!

Thanks

Arden

 

[GaijinPunch]

I'll try to help out w/o just giving it away.

Anyway, first, I need the Japanese translation for Narrator

A dictionary is probably a pretty easy place to look for specific words. I'll give you a hint: Think katakana

Narrator: あさです。ビジーさんはおきて、ぞくはつしてけんとうがつかない。

There's probably better ways to say this (unless of course you're using vocab from your lessons). I'd try to keep it a bit more conversational. Probably use the verb おこる (to happen) and the negative form of しる (to know).

Narrator: さくばんビジーさんは いっしょ に あえらない おぼえますん。
(I'm trying to say the following: Biji doesn't remember Mariko coming home with him yesterday.)

ゆうべ I think is better than さくばん. Also, neither mean yesterday -- that's another word. Also... considering it's part of "the thing that Biji-san doesn't remember", you should probably start off saying ビジーさんは, ゆうべ...

Okay, not sure what the あえらない part is, but let's break your sentence down into sections. You've got
Biji-san | doesn't remember | Mariko coming home with him yesterday.
The hardest part being the last. This is when the beautiful world of こと comes in. It's one of those broad Japanese words that takes a while to burn into your brain, but is very useful. One use is to make verbs, a noun. In this case, かえること (coming home). Slap an を on the end, and then put a おべえません (you have it 'spelled' wrong above) and you've got "doesn't remember coming home". I'll let you add your other words to it to complete the sentence. You were on the right track.

Narrator: いまビジーさはさくばんをおぼえています。
(Biji is remembering last night...)

I think this is misleading b/c of the way we use the word "remember" in English. Look up something like "recall" or "recollect". It will sound better.

(Flashback, Phone rings...)

(I am trying to say here: I was wondering if you could do me a favor.

There's a very common way to say this, and is I'm sure very easy to find.

Biji: はい、なにおいりますか。
(Sure, what did you need?)

Hmmm... your article is incorrect in two ways.
1: It's not an article
2: It's not the one you're supposed to use.

Mariko: わたしのうちにこんばんコンピューターをなおしますか。こわれます。
(Can you come to my house tonight to fix my computer? It's broken)

Do a bit of research on the verb tense you've used for こわれます.

Biji: すみません、ばんはけっこです。ばすのりばでとうきょうにともだちにあって、あしたよんじごごにいきませんか。
(I'm sorry, but I can't come tonight. I'm meeting my friend at the Bus Stop in Tokyo. What about if I come tomorrow at 4 PM though?)

You need to come up with something different for "tonight"". As for けっこう you probably had it in a lesson where it meant "don't need" something. It really means "okay" but is often used in the way we say "I'm okay" when asked if we need something... meaning we don't. Basically, your sentence says "Sorry, tonight is fine.". As for the bus stop in Tokyo... Tokyo should have possession of bus stop.

Biji: こんいちはまりこ。コンピューターはどこですか。
(Hello Mariko. Where is your computer?)

Konnichiha = こんにちは

HTH
GP

 

[ArdenD]

This is the type of help I wanted, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am learning Japanese because I *WANT* to learn Japanese, not get it thrown to me on a silver platter.

I will come back and make changes to my mistakes, and see if I can make this more coherent, but I worked almost 12 hours at work today, and I'm tired...

Domo,

Arden

 

[GaijinPunch]

No worries -- glad to help out. You're on the right track for the most part... just might be trying to use some forms that are too advanced. No shame in that though!

One thing:
おべえません = おぼえません
Got ahead of myself there.

 

[ajm]

Slap an を on the end, and then put a おべえません (you have it 'spelled' wrong above) and you've got "doesn't remember coming home".

You too!

edit: Yikes, was too slow.

--
ajm

 

[ArdenD]

A dictionary is probably a pretty easy place to look for specific words. I'll give you a hint: Think katakana

I looked up various forms of Narrator, but I don't want to use katakana if I avoid it... It sounds so stupid if there's actually a Japanese origin word for a narrator... Or does the Katakana equivalent get used more often? ... Anyway...

Narrator: あさです。ビジーさんはおきて、ぞくはつしてけんとうがつかない。

There's probably better ways to say this (unless of course you're using vocab from your lessons). I'd try to keep it a bit more conversational. Probably use the verb おこる (to happen) and the negative form of しる (to know).

changing the meaning slightly to make it easier for me to dissect and correctly translate... can I say:

Narrator: It's morning. Biji wakes up. He doesn't know what's to happen to him today. (Basically, He has no idea what's going to happen to him today)
Narrator: あさです。ビジーさんはおきて、きょおこってしらない。
How does the above translate? *sigh* I have problems trying to combine two verbs in a sentence, trying to keep the order and context the way I need it to be...

ゆうべ I think is better than さくばん. Also, neither mean yesterday -- that's another word. Also... considering it's part of "the thing that Biji-san doesn't remember", you should probably start off saying ビジーさんは, ゆうべ...

Okay, not sure what the あえらない part is, but let's break your sentence down into sections. You've got Biji-san | doesn't remember | Mariko coming home with him yesterday. The hardest part being the last. This is when the beautiful world of こと comes in. It's one of those broad Japanese words that takes a while to burn into your brain, but is very useful. One use is to make verbs, a noun. In this case, かえること (coming home). Slap an を on the end, and then put a おべえません (you have it 'spelled' wrong above) and you've got "doesn't remember coming home". I'll let you add your other words to it to complete the sentence. You were on the right track.

Then would the following be more correct?

Narrator: ビジーさんはきのうまりこをいっしょにかえることをおぼえません。


Narrator: いまビジーさはさくばんをおぼえています。

I think this is misleading b/c of the way we use the word "remember" in English. Look up something like "recall" or "recollect". It will sound better.

Narrator: いまビジーさんさくばんをおもいだしています。
better?

I am trying to say here: I was wondering if you could do me a favor.

There's a very common way to say this, and is I'm sure very easy to find.

Ok, so that was stupid... おねがいします。Means please do me a favor, right? But, the context here is not to be that polite. The words split up here (and yes, it took me a while to get to this...) Are the Honorific お, ねがう, which means to wish or request, and する, which is the standard plopping verb that can be added to thousands of things to make them mean to do that thing...

But おねがいします by itself, doesn't sound right as something that Biji would respond to... Is there another way to ask for a favor using the same verbs or possibly some different verbs that would fit more in context here? Or should I just stick with that...

Biji: はい、なにおいりますか。

Hmmm... your article is incorrect in two ways.
1: It's not an article
2: It's not the one you're supposed to use.

Ok, would it be は then?
Biji: はい、なにはいりますか。


Mariko: わたしのうちにこんばんコンピューターをなおしますか。こわれます。

Do a bit of research on the verb tense you've used for こわれます.

I guess using -て + います would make more sense here, eh?
Mariko: わたしのうちにこんばんコンピューターをなおしますか。こわれています。



Biji: すみません、ばんはけっこです。ばすのりばでとうきょ うにともだちにあって、あしたよんじごごにいきませんか。

You need to come up with something different for "tonight"". As for けっこう you probably had it in a lesson where it meant "don't need" something. It really means "okay" but is often used in the way we say "I'm okay" when asked if we need something... meaning we don't. Basically, your sentence says "Sorry, tonight is fine.". As for the bus stop in Tokyo... Tokyo should have possession of bus stop.

Biji: すみません、こんばんはうかがえなくてざんえんです。とうきょうのばすのりばでにともだちにあって、あしたよんじごごにいきませんか。
Better?

Konnichiha = こんにちは

That was an oops

 

[GaijinPunch]

can I say:

Narrator: It's morning. Biji wakes up. He doesn't know what's to happen to him today. (Basically, He has no idea what's going to happen to him today)
Narrator: あさです。ビジーさんはおきて、きょおこってしらない。

You're getting there. The problem is that this is pretty intermediate at Japanese, in terms of verb tenses. Your teacher will probably know you got help... or maybe think you studied ahead. If that's okay...
きょう なにが おこるか しらない。
I realize that this isn't using the te form, but I don't quite know how to use it with what you're trying to convey.

Then would the following be more correct?
Narrator: ビジーさんはきのうまりこをいっしょにかえることをおぼえません。

Fine, except for a (possibly) typo. まりこと いっしょに

Narrator: いまビジーさんさくばんをおもいだしています。
better?

Yes, better... but you should add one more thing. When making something like night, day, etc. as a direct object, it's much more natural to colloquial say, "remembering what happened last night" or "remember XXXX from last night." Again, or friend "こと" comes in. When adding XXのこと to a noun, you're basically saying "about XX". Doesn't sound right in English, but さくばんのことをおもいだしています is better.

Ok, so that was stupid... おねがいします。Means please do me a favor, right? But, the context here is not to be that polite. The words split up here (and yes, it took me a while to get to this...)

おねがいする can mean something as simple as please. A lot of the formality can be changed with the verb する. おねがいしたいのです is pretty formal, whereas おねがいしていい？ is very informal. I can't imagine your teacher wanting you to know anything other than おねがいしてもいいですか？ at this point, but either of the the latter two will work.

Is there another way to ask for a favor using the same verbs or possibly some different verbs that would fit more in context here?

おねがい is a good all-arounder when asking for something. There might be better things to say in other situations, but here, she's kind of popping the question out of the blue.

Ok, would it be は then?
Biji: はい、なにはいりますか。

Well, break it down and ask yourself if なに is the subject. If you don't think so, run back to your chapter on なにか vs なにが.

I guess using -て + います would make more sense here, eh?
Mariko: わたしのうちにこんばんコンピューターをなおしますか。こわれています

Yes -- well done. The former part of the sentence can be improved by putting こんばん at the first of the sentence, me thinks.

Biji: すみません、こんばんはうかがえなくてざんえんです。とうきょうのばすのりばでにともだちにあって、あしたよんじごごにいきませんか

Nice. Just a couple of misspellings. ざんえん ＝ ざんねん. And after のりば you have で and に -- only need one. And finally, you say よんじごご. I assume you're saying either:
At 4 in the afternoon (ごご goes before よじ [not よんじ]
At around 4. (よじ ごろ not ごご )

HTH
GP

 

[ArdenD]

So this is what I have so far (I'm assuming my translation of Narrator in Katakana is fine)

(Biji wiping his eyes and yawning)
ナレーター: あさです。ビジーさんはおきて、きょうなにがおこるかしらない。
まりこ: おはようビジーさん。
ビジー: あやまあ！
まりこ: なんでしょう、あなた。
ビジー: なにも。なにも。
ナレーター: ビジーさんはきのうまりこといっしょにかえることをおぼえま せん。
(Flashback…)
(Phone rings at Biji's house)
ビジー: もしもし。
まりこ: もしもし。ビジーさんはいらっしゃいますか。
ビジー: はい、ビジーです。
まりこ: ええ、まりこですが、おげんきですか。
ビジー: げんきです。おげんきですか。
まりこ: げんきです。おねがいしてもいいですか。
ビジー: はい、なにがいリますか。
まりこ: わたしのうちにこんばんコンピューターをなおしますか。こわれています。
ビジー: すみません、こんばんはうかがえなくてざんねんです。 とうきょうのばすのりばにともだちにあって、あした ごごよじごろにいきませんか 。
まりこ: はい、あしたにあいましょう。じゃまた。
ビジー: いってきます。
(Biji shows up at Mariko's house, ready to get to work)
ビジー: こんにちはまりこ。コンピューターはどこですか。


Does this sound good?

 

[ax]

why don't you make this a loose end conversation game where in everybody can improve and chip in their idea by continuing the conversation of bijisan and mariko.
If you give me a blessing, I would start adding answering bijisan's last question.

ax

 

[ArdenD]

That might make it fun... I have a couple requirements for the assignment I hand in (i.e. certain forms we have to use) but I bet I can squeeze those in as needed, or change a few things...

This scenario, I want it to be funny, so as long as you don't get obscene... have at it!

Just as a guide for myself (so I don't forget) this is what I had intended to add and finish the exercise with... I'm keeping it here so I have access to it from school and work

Mariko: (Thinking to herself, wow, Biji is here to work! What a man!) Right this way. Is there anything I can get for you?
Biji: Some water would be nice, unless you have some adult beveragesﾂ…
Mariko: (Thinking to herself, what is Biji after?) Sure, let me get you some beer.
(Some time later)
Biji: All done! (Biji now gets the nerve up, being that he's drunk, to ask Mariko to his placeﾂ… for some after hour entertainmentﾂ…) Hey Mariko, why don't we go to my house to watch a movie or somethingﾂ… *hiccup* (Drinks up, and the room starts spinningﾂ…) Oh noﾂ… I think I had one too manyﾂ… (and passes out)
Narrator: Mariko, being the nice woman that she is, took Biji home.
(Later that eveningﾂ…)
Biji: (Groggy as ever) Oh no! What happened!
Mariko: You passed out, so I brought you back to your home.
Biji: (Seeing this as his prime chance) You know, Mariko, everything you've ever done for me, this included, has shown me how much you care for me. I want to give you this. It was given to me by my mother, now I want to give it to you.
Narrator: Mariko receives a bracelet from Biji.
Mariko: (Surprised as ever) Wow, this is an extremely nice gestureﾂ… but why?
Biji: (Swallows, and says) Mariko, will you marry me?
(Fade back to the scene with Biji reminiscing, trying to rememberﾂ… Mariko kisses him on the cheek)
Biji: Mariko, I love you.
(The end)

Arden

 

[ArdenD]

Ok, here's a loose translation (I changed a little bit from what I had posted earlier regarding the continuation and completion of my story of biji... to make it easier for me to dissect and translate) of the second and last part of my story. I also added a couple things to the first part (and translated the parenthetical tidbits loosely) and will show the entire story here:

(ビジーさんはめをねぐって、かみこるしています。)
ナレーター: あさです。ビジーさんはおきて、きょうなにがおこるかしらない。
まりこ: おはようビジーさん。
ビジー: あやまあ！
まりこ: (おどろいています) なんでしょう、あなた。
ビジー: (おちついています) なにも。なにも。
ナレーター: ビジーさんはきのうまりこといっしょにかえることをおぼえま せん。
(フラッシュバック …)
(ビジーのうちにでんわがなっていました)
ビジー: もしもし。
まりこ: もしもし。ビジーさんはいらっしゃいますか。
ビジー: はい、ビジーです。
まりこ: ええ、まりこですが、おげんきですか。
ビジー: げんきです。おげんきですか。
まりこ: おねがいしてもいいですか。
ビジー: はい、なにがいリますか。
まりこ: わたしのうちにこんばんコンピューターをなおしますか。こわれています。
ビジー: すみません、こんばんはうかがえなくてざんねんです。 とうきょうのばすのりばにともだちにあって、あした ごごよじごろにいきませんか 。
まりこ: はい、あしたにあいましょう。じゃまた。
ビジー: いってきます。
(ビジーさんはまりこのうちについて、はたらくよういができています。)
ビジー: こんにちはまりこ。コンピューターはどこですか。
まりこ: どうぞこちらへくてください。おのみものはいかがですか。
ビジー: すこしみずいただけるとよいのです(unless…)、ビールがあります。
まりこ: はい、しょしょまちください。
(しばるかあとです… ビジーさんはのみつぶれています。)
ビジー: おえろ！まりこ、うちにいって、えいごをみましょうか。(*しゃっくり*… ビジーさんはビールをのんでいて、へやがまわりはじめています。) のみすぎるとおもうっている… (ビジーさんはきぜつしています。)
ナレーター: まりこはビジーさんをやさしくして、うちにかえりました。
(そのばん…)
ビジー: どうしたの！
まりこ: きぜつしていましたが、うちにかえりました。
ビジー: まりこ、いつでもわたしをいたわって、こののことをあげたい。うちのははがわたしにくれました。あなたにあげています。
ナレーター: まりこさんはビジーさんにもらいました。
まりこ: まあ、きれいです。でも… どして…
ビジー: まりこ、ねとりますか。
(フラッシュバック… まりこさんはビジーさんのほおにキスしています。)
ビジー: まりこ、あいしている。
(おわりです)


Please, could someone read it and tell me any obvious grammatical and/or spelling errors I might have missed? Also, there are a couple places where I have made some oddball substitutions, and I couldn't find the particle to connect two sentences using the phrase 'unless...' Any and all help is appreciated

I sincerely appreciate it!

Arden

 

[GaijinPunch]

Sorry for the late reply. Much better -- a couple of things though.

ビジー: はい、なにがいリますか。

I think a simple なにか。。。 will make your Japanese teacher smile with joy.

ビジー: すみません、こんばんはうかがえなくてざんねんです。 とうきょうのばすのりばにともだちにあって、あした ごごよじごろにいきませんか 。

I missed this the first time. At the end, it sounds like you're Biji-san is asking Mariko to come over, which is the opposite of what's supposed to be happening. Also, I think you're connecting two things that shouldn't be... well, not that way. Perhaps you should say "Because I'm meeting my friend at a bus stop in Tokyo, how about tomorrow around 4:00?

ビジー: すこしみずいただけるとよいのです(unless…)、ビールがあります。

Uh... probably not too likely for someone to ask for a beer at 4PM at someone's house, BUT, you'd probably want to say "if you don't have beer, water will be fine... which you've pretty much said. Just swap the two around, and use "if you don't have" instead of "unless".

(しばるかあとです… ビジーさんはのみつぶれています。)

しばるか = しばらく

ビジー: おえろ！まりこ、うちにいって、えいごをみましょうか。(*しゃっくり*… ビジーさんはビールをのんでいて、へやがまわりはじめています。) のみすぎるとおもうっている… (ビジーさんはきぜつしています。)

Hmm.... I somehow don't think they're going to go home and "watch English." And in the parenthesis, the へや is the direct object, no? You've also got an extra う in おもう

まりこ: きぜつしていましたが、うちにかえりました。

I don't know if you've gotten into onomotopoeia (sp?), but one would be appropriate here instead of きぜつ。
Something like this
I'm sure there's a better one for drinking, but I can hold my alcohol, so never had to use it.

ビジー: まりこ、いつでもわたしをいたわって、こののことをあげたい。うちのははがわたしにくれました。あなたにあげています。

Sorry, what is いたわって again?

ナレーター: まりこさんはビジーさんにもらいました。

まりこさんはビジーさんに____をもらいました。

ビジー: まりこ、ねとりますか。

Another verb I'm not familiar with.

(フラッシュバック… まりこさんはビジーさんのほおにキスしています。)
ビジー: まりこ、あいしている。
(おわりです)

So will they kiss in the skit?

Ciao
GP

 

[Elizabeth]

(ビジーさんはめをねぐって、かみこるしています。)

Sorry my dictionary is being dispensed with for the moment.; So what is ねぐ？ Do you mean ぬく？ かみころ？

 

[GaijinPunch]

Hehe -- didn't even read that first line.

 

[ArdenD]

The verb ねぐう - To wipe, which I found on WWWJDIC, is it not common in Japanese speech?

Example from WWWJDIC:
彼女は涙をぬぐった。
She wiped away her tears.

I was using it in that context.

***
ビジー: まりこ、ねとりますか。
That was a typo (see, I missed a ton of these...)
It is めとる - To marry, to take a wife.

***
労る 【いたわる】 (v5r) to pity; to sympathize with; to console; to care for; to be kind to;

Example:
老人をいたわりなさい。
Be kind to old people.
(This was to confirm that the verb can take an object with を)

So can it be used with Biji himself as the object, saying that Mariko is kind to him?

***
Thanks AGAIN for all the spelling errors, and grammatical hiccups, but I think this is the final, final edition. I've posted my final version (with pictures!!) online.

 

[CorDarei]

The verb ねぐう - To wipe, which I found on WWWJDIC, is it not common in Japanese speech?

Example from WWWJDIC:
彼女は涙をぬぐった。
She wiped away her tears.

Notice the difference between "ね" and "ぬ". The verb you were trying to use is "nuguu", but you wrote it "neguu".

 

[GaijinPunch]

彼女は涙をぬぐった。
She wiped away her tears.
I was using it in that context.

I'm not familiar w/ that word, but doesn't mean that it's not perfectly fine.

ビジー: まりこ、ねとりますか。
That was a typo (see, I missed a ton of these...)
It is めとる - To marry, to take a wife.

If you're meaning to say "are you married". けっこんしていますか is a much better way to say it.

労る 【いたわる】 (v5r) to pity; to sympathize with; to console; to care for; to be kind to;

Example:
老人をいたわりなさい。
Be kind to old people.
(This was to confirm that the verb can take an object with を)

So can it be used with Biji himself as the object, saying that Mariko is kind to him?

Try せわする. That's Japanese paydirt!

Looking good, btw. Congratulations!

 

[ArdenD]

Thank you all, again, for all your help. My teacher loved it!