yukio_michael said:
I think you have to read the whole story... it was a bad breakup... and I understand the Japanese avoidance of using the word love, though I and my girlfriend always told each other, aishiteru, or daisuki yo... it depends on the person.
The imporant thing is not to judge an entire group of people on your relationship with one person... the original poster wants to hear, "yes, all Japanese women are cruel and heartless...", but it's not that easy.
Yeah, i always tell my girlfriend aishiteru or daisuki, she seems more into the affectionate i love you baby talk then i am, ive always been a personal person, she wants to hug or kiss in public and im just not comfortable with that at all, in the privacy of our bedroom i'll have a triple XXX throwdown of love that makes romeo and juliet look like pop drivel, but in public i just prefer to hold hands, hug a little, but kissing and stuff and saying i love you i love you, it makes me uncomfortable, and also, as someone who was painfully single before her, i know how annoying it is for others to have that kinda couple public display pushed in your face.
I like the Japanese way of love, you dont need to throw the word around all the time, you dont need to constantly remind your girlfriend of it or you have a massive fight, the loyalty and commitment of the relationship for day to day stuff is enough, with an aishiteru or i love you in bed after the day.
Its perfect, if western society was more like japan in this regard we wouldnt have such an issue with divorce and constant relationship strife.
Wally S. is quite nice
Question Junko was dating Wally
I'm Polish/American. Why should only Japanese rules apply?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikawa Ossan
The more I hear about your ex-girlfriend, the more I see her point of view. Hachiro is right when he says Japanese people are not raised to say "I love you" or what not. In fact, in most situations it's an extremely awkward thing to say. I think the typical relationship is something like one party "confesses" his or her feelings for the other, and after that it is almost never mentioned again, except maybe in times of crisis. For example, I have never and probably never will tell my girlfriend that I "love" her. The fact that we're staying together speaks to that. There's no need to express it in words.
Junko was very typical in not telling you over and over her feelings. And she almost certainly felt like you were drowning her in affection. It's not that she's unfeeling. It's just that she expresses it differently than you are used to.
I don't know the circumstances around her choosing the college she did, so I can not comment too much. But I assume you do not know all the circumstances surrounding her choice either. I assume that her intention in studying abroad was not merely to meet up with you again.
In Japan, that raging, burning love that is so admired in the State is not so admired. A much more subdued love is the norm.
It's not a matter of honesty. It's a matter of subtle cultural differences getting in the way of your relationship.
I understand how Japanese people express (or rather don't express) love. The problem is that...our relationship consisted of her; Japanese girl, and me Polish/American boy. So there was western (European) culture involved in the equation as well, don't you think so?
Sure I understand what Japanese do or don't while dating others, but does that mean Japanese culture should take preference in our realtionship? She knew that I was raised in Europe, and admired and watched hundred times the "Anna Karenina"romantic drama movie on video that I gave her...Junko wached many american movies; she must have heard the staring actors say; "I love you", "I miss you", "How are you honey!?" many times...
Thats a good point, it does require understanding of your culture from her side as much as you are required understanding of hers.
With my public shyness i sometimes think im more Japanese then my girlfriend <_<.
She is a fiery passionate animal my girlfriend....until you put her on the phone or infront of another japanese stranger then suddenly that quiet innocent nice little Japanese lady appears...and i just stand staring at her in disbelief, she used to be nice to me like that in the beggining, but, im thankful she trusts me enough to show me her real self entirely.
Wally, you dealt with the relationship the only way you knew how to, as did she. Neither of you understood the other, nor did you make any effort to see the situation from the other's perspective. You both got hurt; you moreso because you foolishly invested all that emotion and weight into a few words muttered at the height of intimacy.
Too true, as i said, too much weight in the west is placed on 3 words, its sad relationships can centre so much on 3 pointless little words, when action and intent should be worth more, i believe more in the love of a couple who have worked hard and spent decades of marriage together without saying love much, then a young new couple throwing the word around every other 5 minutes, because, forgive my bluntess, i think its a shallow and short-lived type of love, if you base a relationship and your sense of self-confidence and security around a single word, then its doomed to fail.
The actions should have spoken louder then the words, for 2 years you guys communicated when you could have just ignored it, that should have told you all you needed to know, that she cared enough to keep in contact, if she really didnt love you, she would just stop phoning or writing. period.
Thats one thing Japanese are good at doing, if they dont like you, and have no interest in the future of a friendship/relationship, they just cut it off, not communication, no response, ussually not even a goodbye, it just ends, and the other half of the former relationship is expected to understand this and move on.
Its harsh but its also a good indicator, if she had stopped contacting you entirely, then you would know she didnt care, the fact she did said otherwise.
The reason why I brough it up because I had a dream about Junko recently, I think I either feel guilty for breaking up, but I also am still mad at Junko because she lead me on for a while. I was guessing it is telepathy, and she was thinking about me...espeically that she always said that she wanted to get married when 27...and she just turned 27. I think it was not just coincidence. I wasn't sure what to think, so I called her last weekend, and wanted to straighten it up like an old friend, but she never replied to my message, and changed her number next day.
Well, I don't quite get it, because it was her who kind of played with my feelings and made me wait in vain, she left me no choice but to brake up...I'm talking about her picking college so far from me...how we suppose to maintain our relationship..?
6 years is it? you do relise in all likelyhood she is married, with a kid now and has lnog forgotten you?, forgive the harshness of this but your not doing anyone any favours dwelling over it, especially yourself, from what i've read of Japanese women, when things break up, they seem much better equipped to bury it and forget, to get on with things, your hurting yourself over someone who's probably lnog forgotten you, if just a favour to yourself, find closure and finally some peace with it and move on, she's gone, 2 years isnt really that long, 2 years is barely considored long term, infact my previous girlfriend flings have been 2 years at best before the split so its nothing special, find peace with what happened, and forget, bury it and forget it and move, no-one was really to blame. It was just the unfortunate fate of a couple who both had little understanding and allowance for each others needs and culture....in other words it was never meant to be.
I really hope you can grow beyond the wreckage of this non-blip on your life that is needlessly dwelt over and get on with finding a woman who will fulfill your needs and spend her life with you.
I used to be an over emotional tool of romance and ultimately heart-ache until i grew beyond it and stopped letting old relationships hurt my life so much, love enriches life for sure, but it doesnt sustain it.
(Nuri is a 20 year old male in a relationship with a 21 year old japanese girl, for 4 years, we've had our share of strife, she's kicked me out 4 times within the space of a month, basically, what im saying is, i know what its like dating a japanese woman and loving one, and so do most people responding, please take time to really considor our advice and input, if something you first read makes you think "but howwould you know" or "but i dont agree" remember, we have lived in japan, we have loved japanese women, we have loved them up close and from across the globe, many of us are married to them now, so, trust us when we say we know and trust the good intentions of our advice, even if it presents some painful truths, especially when we say it was nobody's fault.).