Please help me editing my conversation?

Hello everyone~! I'm new here. I'm a beginner in learning Japanese too, ^^; My friend and I wrote a conversation that we need to present tomorrow. I know there are quite a few mistakes in this conversation, but since our grammar really sucks, this is the best we could do. Can anyone please look through this conversation and perhaps give me some pointers? Even checking just one or two sentences will be a great help, thank you so much!
P.S. please excuse the vanity in the conversation, but there are certain vocabularies and grammar tense we have to use. The things we need to use are: casual form, relative clause. And since I know very little kanji, you'll have to bear through all the hiragana with me, ^^;;
At home:
G:Sister! Long time no see, how are you?
おねえさん! ごぶさた する! げんき?
J: Guan, I'm good. I missed you, how are you?
グアンちゃん、げんき。さみしい。げんき?
G: Good.
げんき
J: Okay then, you must want to go tour/sightseeing in Toronto then.
じゃあ、おまえにトロントを見せるやる。
G:Yes, let's go.
はい、行きましょお。
J: TV said today is going to rain.
テレビで今日はらいにんぐがふるっていっているはよ。
G: Did you bring an umbrella?
じゃあ、かさをだしておいてくれないか?
J: I already brought one.
もおここにだしてあるはよ。
Outside
G: Today is cold. Is Toronto always this cold?
今日はさむいねえ。テレビはいつもさむい?
J: No, not always. It's going to be hot in the summer.
いいえ、なつは、あたたかい。らいねん、なつにきる
Walking
G: Ee, what's that?
ええ、あれは?
J: Skydome. Have you ever heard of the Toronto Blue Jays?
スキドメ。トロントブルエジャイスというちいむしている？
G: No, is that a basketball team?
いいえ、ちいむのバスケットボール?
J: haha, Guan, no, that's a baseball team.
グアンちゃん，いいえ! ベイスボーはよ
G: Ee, how boring. Why don't we go shopping?
ええ…つまりない。かいものをしましょお?
J: Well, let's go to Eaton Center. Have you heard of Eaton CenteR?
じゃあ、エアトンセントを行きましょお。エアトンセントというしている?
G:Is that a shopping mall?
そのショッピンモールはよ?
J: Yes, let's go.
はい、行きましょお。
Store:
J: What do are you looking for?
なにをさがしですか?
G: I would like a dress. A bright one.
ドレスがほしいんだけど。あかるいいろがいいはね。
J: This purple dress is pretty!
このむらさきドレスはすてきですね!
G: The color is a bit dim.
ええ、そのいろはちょっとじみよ。
J:Which color do you like?
どんないろほしいんですか?
G: This pink dress is cute.
このものいろのドレスはかわいいよ。
J:why don't you try it and see?
ドレスをきてみませんか?
Changing Room
J: Why do you want to buy a dress?
なぜドレスをきるか?
G: Because I have a date with my boyfriend on valentine's day.
バレンタインデーにボーイフレンドとでえとがあるだから。
J: how come I don't know about this? Is he handsome?
i don't know how to translate this, ^^;;
G: Of course, he is tall, has long legs, very handsome.
はい、せえがたかくて、あしがながくてかっこをがいいんだ、かれは。
J: Where is he from?
何人ですか?
G: ..Wait, I have a picture of him.
ちょっとまって、私のボーイフレンドがしゃしんあるよ。
J: Ohh, how handsome!
ハンサンムですねえ
J: How did you guys meet?
どおグアンちゃんにであうかれ?
G:My friend is in the same class as him. He introduced us.
友だちと同じクラスがあるひとはいま私のかれし。友だちは私にかれをしょうかいしました。
G: Sister, I came to Toronto with my boyfriend. He said he wants to meet you.
おねえさん、私はボーイフレンドといっしょにトロントにきた。かれはあなたにあいたいいいました。
J: I want to meet him too.
かれにあいたいです
G:We can meet him after shopping.
ショッピングするのちかれにあえます。

Thank you so much again
:sorry:

sui said:

G:Sister! Long time no see, how are you?
おねえさん! ごぶさた する! げんき?

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"Long time no see" would be ひさしぶり. ごぶさた is usually used with しております from what I've seen, and it seems to be pretty formal.

sui said:

J: Guan, I'm good. I missed you, how are you?
グアンちゃん、げんき。さみしい。げんき?

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I think you should use あいたかった for "I missed you."

sui said:

J: Okay then, you must want to go tour/sightseeing in Toronto then.
じゃあ、おまえにトロントを見せるやる。

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Should be 見せてやる, but your Japanese sentence doesn't really match with your English one. I think you don't need おまえに, and at any rate グアンに (I'm thinking グヮン would be better, but I'm guessing at the pronunciation) would sit better with me (and most Japanese, I'm sure). Still, じゃあ、トロントを見せてやろうか seems to be the best sentence with the fewest adjustments to your original one. However that may be a bit pretentious, and there's the debate about whether you should use あげる instead of やる. Simply saying みせようか may be best.

sui said:

G:Yes, let's go.
はい、行きましょお。

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First of all, it's 行きましょう. Secondly, you generally shouldn't switch formality mid-stream like that. You could, but the effect would be distancing yourself from the person you're talking to or sarcasm, or something like that. You could also use it jokingly, but I think you should stick to plain mode here. うん、行こう is more like what you want.

sui said:

J: TV said today is going to rain.
テレビで今日はらいにんぐがふるっていっているはよ。

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Not sure how advanced you've gotten with grammar, but this sentence would normally be テレビによると今日雨がふるそうだ, I believe. I'm pretty sure this would work, but the テレビ part feels iffy. てんきようほうによると or ニュースによると may be better. Oh, and that sentence-final wa is actually written わ. It's different than the topic marker.

sui said:

G: Did you bring an umbrella?
じゃあ、かさをだしておいてくれないか?

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The Japanese sentence is like "so, would you take out your umbrella for me (before it starts raining)?" Given the English sentence, I think you want かさをもってる？ Seems you're more interested in whether she has one now than whether she brought it to the current location.

sui said:

J: I already brought one.
もおここにだしてあるはよ。

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I think you need to review spelling rules. もお→もう. Also, again, は→わ. Given the previous question, I think うん is all you need. If you want it to be longer, you could go with うん、もってる.

I guess that's about half. I may get back to it later, or someone else could pick up the rest.

J: Okay then, you must want to go tour/sightseeing in Toronto then.
じゃあ、おまえにトロントを見せるやる。

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I wouldn't use やる for an older sibling, call her おまえ or use 見せて for sightseeing. ロントを案内（しよう・しましょうか）。is a normal way of saying "Shall I show you around Toronto?"

J: TV said today is going to rain.
テレビで今日はらいにんぐがふるっていっているはよ。

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What is らいにんぐがふる ?

てんきよほうではきょうはあめになる（だろう）・あめがふるといっています。
There are tons of weather expressions to get hung up on in Japanese. But this Looks OK to me if you want to use いう。 In colloquial terms, you can boil it down to "The weatherman says it's going to rain today...."


Well, like Glenn said...it's getting late (into the morning) here as well. Good luck with the presentation ! And try posting sooner next time if you're really concerned about it and looking for the most thorough feedback.

sui said:

G: Today is cold. Is Toronto always this cold?
今日はさむいねえ。テレビはいつもさむい?

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You've got one of those "meant-to-type-one-word-but-accidentally-typed-another" mistakes in there: テレビ→トロント. I want to put a の at the end of that second sentence, but it's certainly functional without it.

mayumik said:

J: No, not always. It's going to be hot in the summer.
いいえ、なつは、あたたかい。らいねん、なつにきる

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What's the intended meaning of らいねんなつにきる? Looks to me like "next year I'll wear it in summer," but I have no idea what "it" could be. Or maybe cutting something?

mayumik said:

G: Ee, what's that?
ええ、あれは?

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I think you should put 何？ after the あれは in this case. Just using あれは？ makes me feel like you the speaker already knows what it is and is just asking for confirmation, possibly because they can't believe what they're seeing. It would be fine if previously the speaker had asked あれはなに？and this time they're just contracting it, though. That's non-native speaker intuition, though.

mayumik;452666 said:

J: Skydome. Have you ever heard of the Toronto Blue Jays?
スキドメ。トロントブルエジャイスというちいむしている？

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I think スカイ・ドーム is how you would write "Sky Dome." Similarly ブルー・ジェーズ for "Blue Jays."している→しっている and ちいむ→チーム.

mayumik said:

G: No, is that a basketball team?
いいえ、ちいむのバスケットボール?

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バスケットボールのチーム？ Again, I want to put なの at the end, but the sentence is fine. Remember, you go from big to small in Japanese: 北米のカナダのトロント (sorry, don't know what province it's in offhand). チームのバスケットボール would mean "the team's basketball," but I don't think it exactly makes sense in Japanese, as バスケットボール generally refers to the sport, and not the ball they use to play it as far as I'm aware.

mayumik said:

J: haha, Guan, no, that's a baseball team.
グアンちゃん，いいえ! ベイスボーはよ

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You're missing a ル, but the Japanese generally refer to baseball as やきゅう. I would say this sentence more like ちがうよ。やきゅうのチームだよ。 Again, は→わ.

mayumik;452666 said:

G: Ee, how boring. Why don't we go shopping?
ええ…つまりない。かいものをしましょお?

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つまらない. Again, don't switch formality, and remember the spelling: かいものをしよう？ or かいものにいこう？

mayumik said:

J: Well, let's go to Eaton Center. Have you heard of Eaton CenteR?
じゃあ、エアトンセントを行きましょお。エアトンセントというしている?

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I'm guessing this should be イートン・センターへ行こう？(に works too, instead of へ), and spelling again: イートン・センターというところ、しっている？ という has to have a noun or something that acts like a noun after it. する and しる are both verbs.

mayumik said:

G:Is that a shopping mall?
そのショッピンモールはよ?

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See about は again. よ doesn't work well here, since this is a question (although there are some cases where you can use it in questions). Other than that, I think what you want is あれはショッピング・モール？(again, I want a なの here)

mayumik said:

J: Yes, let's go.
はい、行きましょお。

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うん。いこうか。Formality and spelling again.

mayumik said:

J: What do are you looking for?
なにをさがしですか?

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I don't think they would ask this, to be honest. In my experience you either have to grab a salesperson or they ask you about what you're looking at. That said, I would say this has to be honorific and something like なにをおさがしですか. Actually, I think なにかをおさがしでしょうか would be much better ("Is there anything you're looking for?").

mayumik said:

G: I would like a dress. A bright one.
ドレスがほしいんだけど。あかるいいろがいいはね。

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While you can use plain form here, I feel better using polite form. Not everyone is the same, though. I don't know how to say "bright" in terms of "bright colors," but maybe あかるいいろ works. For "one" you need の. I think you should end this sentence with とおもう if you're going to use plain form. Watch the は→わ thing again. あかるいいろのがいいとおもう.

mayumik said:

J:why don't you try it and see?
ドレスをきてみませんか?

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I skipped the dress talk because that's not my area.

Again, watch the formality switching. I think this one should be either きてみない？ or きてみたら？

mayumik said:

J: Why do you want to buy a dress?
なぜドレスをきるか?

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Not sure why you changed the verb here, but なぜドレスがかいたいの is how I would say this. You can use を instead of が, but I just feel more comfortable with が (even if I end up saying something I didn't mean to say...).

mayumik said:

G: Because I have a date with my boyfriend on valentine's day.
バレンタインデーにボーイフレンドとでえとがあるだから。

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Looks good. One minor thing: でえと→デート.

mayumik said:

J: how come I don't know about this? Is he handsome?
i don't know how to translate this, ^^;;

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I'd probably go with そうなの？ボーイフレンドいたの？しらなかった。or something like that. Handsome I'm not too sure about, maybe イケメン? Or just the more standard かっこいい.

mayumik said:

G: Of course, he is tall, has long legs, very handsome.
はい、せえがたかくて、あしがながくてかっこをがいいんだ、かれは。

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もちろん！ for "of course." かっこいいよ I think is fine. You don't need the かれは at the end; it's already obvious who you're talking about.

mayumik said:

J: Where is he from?
何人ですか?

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Watch mode switching again. I think どこのひとなの？ is better, or at least more common.

mayumik said:

G: ..Wait, I have a picture of him.
ちょっとまって、私のボーイフレンドがしゃしんあるよ。

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ちょっとまって、しゃしんをもってる。If you say ボーイフレンドが写真ある it's more like "boyfriend has picture."

mayumik;452666 said:

J: Ohh, how handsome!
ハンサンムですねえ

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Change です to だ and you're all set.

mayumik said:

J: How did you guys meet?
どおグアンちゃんにであうかれ?

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Hmm, even though I've been asked this question myself I can't remember how it was put. I think どうやってであえたの？ or something like that was how they asked me. Watch the spelling again: どお→どう

mayumik said:

G:My friend is in the same class as him. He introduced us.
友だちと同じクラスがあるひとはいま私のかれし。友だちは私にかれをしょうかいしました。

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How about （かれと）同じクラスをうけてる友だちがしょうかいしてくれたんだ?

mayumik said:

G: Sister, I came to Toronto with my boyfriend. He said he wants to meet you.
おねえさん、私はボーイフレンドといっしょにトロントにきた。かれはあなたにあいたいいいました。

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Do you really use "sister" like that? Anyway, I'd drop the 私は: ボーイフレンドといっしょにトロントにきた。かれはねえちゃんにあいたいといってる。I replaced おねえさん with ねえちゃん because it has a feeling that you're more closely connected to me. Watch formality switching again.

mayumik said:

J: I want to meet him too.
かれにあいたいです

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I want to use おたがいさまだ here, but I've only ever heard that used sarcastically, so I'm not sure if you can actually use it sincerely anymore. I think わたしもあいたいよ is good.

mayumik said:

G:We can meet him after shopping.
ショッピングするのちかれにあえます。

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のち is pretty formal and "official," so to speak. That is, I can only ever recall seeing it in official documents and other things that use language like that. ショッピングしたあとであいに行こう I think is good. Again, watch the formality switching.

Well, that's a broad overview of some changes I would make. Hope it helps.

Elizabeth said:

I wouldn't use やる for an older sibling, call her おまえ or use 見せて for sightseeing. ロントを案内（しよう・しましょうか）。is a normal way of saying "Shall I show you around Toronto?"

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Ah, of course! I always love when I forget about basic things like that. I got confused in there, too, thinking the older sister was doing the showing.

Elizabeth said:

What is らいにんぐがふる ?

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It just occurred to me that that's probably supposed to be ライトニング, i.e., 雷.

Maybe I'm too late and can't make it for your presentation today, but...
If I were you, and if I had a sister, I'd have a conversation like this(Please note that this is supposed to be a casual(and natural) conversation, and not the literal translation):
G:Sister! Long time no see, how are you?
おねえさん!（or おねえちゃん）、久しぶり! げんき?
J: Guan, I'm good. I missed you, how are you?
うん、げんき。会いたかったよ。（グアンは）げんき?
G: Good.
うん、げんき。
J: Okay then, you must want to go tour/sightseeing in Toronto then.
それじゃあ、トロントに行ってみようか？
(Sorry, I don't quite get what "must want to" part.)G:Yes, let's go.
うん、行こう！
J: TV said today is going to rain.
テレビで、今日は雨がふるっていっていたなぁ。
G: Did you bring an umbrella?
かさ、もってきた？（literal)
Or じゃあ、かさを出しておいてくれる？
(I don't quite know what "bring" here. )
J: I already brought one.
もう、ここにだしてあるわよ。/うん、もってきたよ
Outside
G: Today is cold. Is Toronto always this cold?
今日はさむいねえ。トロントはいつもこんなにさむいの？
J: No, not always. It's going to be hot in the summer.
ううん、いつもじゃないよ。なつは、あたたかい。
らいねん、なつにきる→らいねんは なつにきてよ（No English sentence here. Literally, "Come back during the summer next year".)
Walking
G: Ee, what's that?
ええ、あれは?/ねぇ、あれはなに？
J: Skydome. Have you ever heard of the Toronto Blue Jays?
スカイドーム。トロントブルージェイズというチームしってる？
G: No, is that a basketball team?
ううん、バスケットボールのチーム?
J: haha, Guan, no, that's a baseball team.
ううん、野球（ベースボール）チームよ、グアンちゃん
G: Ee, how boring. Why don't we go shopping?
ええ…つまらない。かいものしに行かない?
J: Well, let's go to Eaton Center. Have you heard of Eaton CenteR?
じゃあ、イートン･センターに行こう。イートン・センターってしってる?
G:Is that a shopping mall?
それってショッピングモール?
J: Yes, let's go.
そうよ、行こう！
Store:
J: What do are you looking for?
なにをおさがしですか?(Polite form)
G: I would like a dress. A bright one.
ドレスがほしいんだけど。あかるいいろの。
J: This purple dress is pretty!
このむらさきのドレスはすてきですね!(You can omit "desu" if you're being casual, but if you're talking to the shop clerk, "desu" may be needed")
G: The color is a bit dim.
でも、そのいろはちょっとじみよ。（I changed it to "demo", as 「ええ」 means "Yes", in most cases)
J:Which color do you like?
どんないろがほしいの?
G: This pink dress is cute.
このピンク（ももいろ）のドレスはかわいいな。
J:why don't you try it and see?
じゃあ、きてみたら?
Changing Room
J: Why do you want to buy a dress?
どうしてドレスがいるの?/なんでドレスがほしいの？
G: Because I have a date with my boyfriend on valentine's day.
バレンタインデーにボーイフレンドとデートがあるから。
J: how come I don't know about this? Is he handsome?
i don't know how to translate this, ^^;;
なんで私におしえてくれなかったの？/はつみみだわ！ かれは、かっこいい？
(Literally, "why didn't you tell me?" or "That's news to me", "I didn't know that".)
G: Of course, he is tall, has long legs, very handsome.
うん、せえがたかくて、あしがながくてかっこをがいい んだ、かれは。
Ahahahah, is your teacher Osakan? せえがたかくて is Osaka ben.
In standard Japanese, せがたかくて.
So, せがたかくて、あしがながくて かっこうがいいの、かれは。
J: Where is he from?
どこのひとなの?
G: ..Wait, I have a picture of him.
ちょっとまって、私のボーイフレンド(or simply かれ)のしゃしんがあるよ(or しゃしんをもってるわ)。
J: Ohh, how handsome!
すごくハンサム（＝かっこいい）ねえ
J: How did you guys meet?
かれは、どうやってグアンちゃんとしりあったの?/どうやってグアンちゃんは、かれと であったの？
G:My friend is in the same class as him. He introduced us.
かれが私の友だちと同じクラスで、その友だ ちが私にしょうかいしてくれたの。
G: Sister, I came to Toronto with my boyfriend. He said he wants to meet you.
おねえさん(orおねえちゃん）、私、ボーイフレンドといっしょにトロントにきたことがあるの。かれはおねえちゃんにあいたいっていってたよ。
J: I want to meet him too.
わたしも あいたいな
G:We can meet him after shopping.
ショッピング（orかいもの)をしたあとで、あいに いけるよ。
---------------
I used shortened word, like, "itteta" instead of "itte ita", and "shitteru" instead of "shitte iru", as it sounds more casual and natural, but if you haven't learned spoken form, it may confuse you... Sorry.
Good luck on your presentation.
You did quite good, keep at it!
Q
[Edit] Oops, I missed Glenn's post while I'm taking so long to write... hehehe. Good job, Glenn! [/Edit]

Change です to だ and you're all set. Hmm, even though I've been asked this question myself I can't remember how it was put. I think どうやってであえたの？ or something like that was how they asked me. Watch the spelling again: どお→どうHow about (かれと）同じクラスをうけてる友だちがしょうかいしてくれたんだ?

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どうやって知り合ったの？ How did you meet him ?
I wouldn't think there would be anything strange in クラスを受けてる友達 but as an alternative, how does this sound ? Or make it most natural with classmate... 同じクラスで友だち（彼のクラスの友達は）がしょうかいしてくれたんだ?

Do you really use "sister" like that? Anyway, I'd drop the 私は: ボーイフレンドといっしょにトロントにきた。かれはねえちゃんにあいたいといってる。I replaced おねえさん with ねえちゃん because it has a feeling that you're more closely connected to me. Watch formality switching again.

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I usually hear older sisters as "oneesan" from their adult siblings but I suppose that depends on the relationship and personal preference to some extent.

Cue said:

[
[Edit] Oops, I missed Glenn's post while I'm taking so long to write... hehehe. Good job, Glenn! [/Edit]

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Haha, that's cool. At least I got to see how closely my answers matched a native speaker's! Thanks!

Elizabeth;452726 said:

I wouldn't think there would be anything strange in クラスを受けてる友達 but as an alternative, how does this sound ? Or make it most natural with classmate... 同じクラスで友だち（彼のクラスの友達は）がしょうかいしてくれたんだ?

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The only thing that strikes me as strange is the で in 同じクラスで友だち. I want it to be の or だった depending on when this took place.

Store:
J: What do are you looking for?
なにをおさがしですか?(Polite form)

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Thank you Cue-san !
I was thinking on this one...and was about to suggest 何か、おさがしですか？
as a less straight translation.

Elizabeth said:

I was thinking on this one...and was about to suggest 何か、おさがしですか？
as a less straight translation.

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Ah, yes!
I've just read Glenn's post and yours and yeah... "何か、おさがしですか？", it surely does sound more natural and more polite at a shop!! Thank YOU!
Glenn and Elizabeth-san, now you guys can check if I understood English right...lol
One of my worries is that "Sister, I came to Toronto with my boyfriend" sentence. Does that mean, she moved to Toronto with her boyfriend from other city? Then my translation above is incorrect... Or, 3 of them(she, her sister and her boyfriend) all live outside of Toronto, and she visited Toronto (as a date or something) with her boyfriend...??
Aw, English is difficult... ^^;
Q

Cue said:

One of my worries is that "Sister, I came to Toronto with my boyfriend" sentence. Does that mean, she moved to Toronto with her boyfriend from other city? Then my translation above is incorrect... Or, 3 of them(she, her sister and her boyfriend) all live outside of Toronto, and she visited Toronto (as a date or something) with her boyfriend...??
Aw, English is difficult... ^^;

Q

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I read it as simply 姉さん、（私は）ボーイフレンドといっしょにトロントに来た, but it could be 引っ越した. Actually, it's more likely that it's 引っ越した. To be honest with you, though, the original sentence seems a bit strange to me. It seems really out of nowhere. You know, 藪から棒のようだ.

Glenn said:

I read it as simply 姉さん、（私は）ボーイフレンドといっしょにトロントに来た, but it could be 引っ越した. Actually, it's more likely that it's 引っ越した. To be honest with you, though, the original sentence seems a bit strange to me. It seems really out of nowhere. You know, 藪から棒のようだ..

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He's still in school so I have the feeling the OP was trying to say they came to Toronto to meet her sister, and you know was save us all the embarrassment of shouting it too loudly...

Oneesan ni au tame ni, koko ni kimashita yo !!!!