Need other people´s opinion

[little owl]

Hello to everyone. I got a prob and would like to get some opinions about it from other people.

Last year in October I met a japanese man online who lives in my country.We became close friends and would chat almost each day and if we wouldn´t chat for a day,we would send messages on our cell phones. As well we use to send each other b-day and Christmas gifts. He had a girlfriend back then but unfortunately she broke up with him around Christmas last year and he was pretty much shattered. I tried to support him as best as I could with e-mails,cards,chat and all. He said I saved him from darkness. We used to have a great friendship and treated each other like sister and brother.

In the middle of this year he got somewhat busy with his work but we still found some time to chat. We even met in real life for one day and it was acutally nice. He seemed very happy afterwards,even tho we both were afraid one would stop talking to the other (sometimes meeting in real life destroys all ideas and illusions you had about the other person,haha). He said it happened to him before that people stopped chatting to him after a meeting and he doesn´t want this to happen to us. I said I don´t see a reason for that to happen and in fact after the meeting we seemed to be even closer.

But then things got worse,he got more and more stressed and busy with his work,he has to find a new job until February 2006 as well. My problem is that he is staying offline very often now,we hardly chat,neither do I get mails or messages on my phone anymore. We were talking about this a lot of times and he kept telling me it´s just work that keeps him so busy and that it´s not because of me. (I thought maybe I have done any mistakes which lets him keep distant from me.)

I dunno,I have my doubts here. I mean this is sort of ridiculous. Noone is as busy like that for months! And the closeness we had before seemed to have vanished. He loved to get virtual hugs earlier and now I barely get one. He said when he is in stress he is not in mood for such things. Well,yeah,okay,but for months ??

I would say he doesn´t miss me at all. I on the other side do miss him. I do have a lot of understanding and patience but I really miss all the warmth in between us. It´s just an idea but maybe he thought he can be with me some day but he knows I do have a boyfriend who I love. We were talking about this too,becuz I told my japanese mate that if I were single I could imagine falling for him as he is such a nice guy. I dunno,maybe he has or had a crush on me. Once when we talked about it he said "break up with your boyfriend,then I will think about you. I will never be second". And I was like wow,****,what´s going on here. I told him I´d never expect him to be second and all I want is his friendship and that I am sorry if I mislead him. That´s why I think maybe I´ve done mistakes and prolly he doesn´t want to tell me so.

It´s a long post,sorry for that but I would appreciate your ideas and opinion about this. If you have questions about it,just ask.
Perhaps one must be asian to understand the importance of his job. But I think if I am still important in any ways,he should be able to send at least responses to my mails- I didn´t even send much lately,only one in two weeks. Am I asking too much? After all we had?
Thanks in advance for helping me along.

 

[Tsuyoiko]

I think he's in love with you and not interested in being just friends. If you want to be with your current boyfriend I think you should just let this guy go and get on with his life. If you can't do that maybe you should think again if you really just want to be friends. If he is in love with you it is kinder to just let him go, as he will never be happy just being friends - he will always be hoping it will turn into something more.

 

[ACMILAN1983]

My guess would probably be that he likes you, or at least has a lust for you.

Personally, I think he's tried to distance himself from you because he doesn't want to get hurt, or maybe hurt you. It could be that he's stressed from work, or perhaps it could be a completely different matter altogether thats causing him problems.

All I can say is I think you and him should have a talk about whats going on (preferably on the phone or face to face, but obviously that might be hard). I know he's trying to avoid you, so it may be that you might have to initiate the contact.

In the end, if things are cleared up and you make it clear to him that although you love him as a friend, you're happy in your current relationship, then maybe he'll ease up a little. I have a feeling that atm, he's probably thinking that there might be a possibility of you and him, yet your already with someone, causing this guy some confusion.

I don't see a problem with you two staying friends. As long as you're clear with one another and both feel at ease that nothing more will happen. Just my opinion though.

 

[Grandpa Frank]

I Get The Feeling.......

he wants more than friendship. He did his best to capture you away from your boyfriend and lost. Now that you've made it clear your boyfriend is your main love interest, he feels he has lost and wants to move on. It's impossible to get inside his mind without knowing him real well. It seems his actions now are speaking for him, he wants to move on and you should forget about him. If nothing else, when you ignore him compleatly, it may draw him back to you?

Frank

 

[little owl]

Hmm,thank you all so far.
ACMILAN,me and him were talking about it quite often,although just on the net but we never spoke on the phone before so I don´t really want to call him now.
I thought I made it clear to him that all I want is a friendship and all I can offer is a friendship. That´s why I was asking him if I´ve done mistakes or mislead him in any way.
Maybe he´s too shy to tell me so but I would prefer to know the truth anyways. He knows this. I told him even if it would hurt,I´d rather want the truth than some made up stuff. At least I would be sure of what is going on and could deal with the whole thing better. But no matter how often we talked about it,he stuck to his words that it´s just his probs at work that´s causing him to stay away. (Still I think that´s bull****.) As well I got on his nerves with asking about it again and again,he told me to not ask him about it anymore,as he explained it to me so very often...>_< .. so..what can I say or do? He doesn´t leave me many options.
All I know is that I don´t want to lose him as my friend and I was hoping he thinks the same way. It seems he doesn´t tho. Prolly you people are right.
Frank,yeah,that´s my plan for now,I will ignore him,won´t send messages or mails anymore and won´t talk to him when I see him online but will wait for him to contact me. If I´m lucky he will return.
I tried anything else already,so that´s the last thing I can do.
It hurts tho. T_T

 

[ACMILAN1983]

well, its a shame you have to "ignore" him now, but I think it probably will be the best option.

To be honest I've also been in a similar situation lately and it'd gotten quite bad to the point where my friends were telling me to just completely avoid this girl and likewise the girl's friends were telling her to completely avoid me.

errm...however, neither me or her are good at ignoring each other and I guess neither of us wanted to lose our friendship, even if our relationship was a complete mess, so we've managed to remain friends.

Hopefully, this will give you a little hope that this isn't necessarily the end of your friendship and maybe a little space for this guy will do him good.

 

[little owl]

Thank you,acmilan. I sure hope it´s gonna work. It´s bloody hard to contain myself from contacting him. I think if he doesn´t contact me in the next two weeks or so I may send him a mail,telling him how much it hurts,just so he knows. And telling him I want our old times back. ... Dunno if that will change anything but if it doesn´t then I really have to face it.....he doesn´t like me as much as I like him. Or maybe he doesn´t like me at all anymore. Who knows.

I hate this situation. I try to focus on my other friends but of course it´s not the same. Oh,well,after all he wouldn´t be the first online mate to just abandon me and vanish...I shouldn´t give a bl**dy damn anymore but losing someone you call a friend always hurts.