Marriage Talk with the Parents

[venusbloom]

Hello, first time post.

Over the winter vacation, I proposed to my girlfriend of 2 years. We are super happy and currently planning the wedding. This weekend, we will go to her parents house to announce the news. My fiancﾃｩ is not worried about her father. He trusts her decisions and is happy if she is. The mother is another issue. She is not entirely fond of me and its soley due to me being foreign. I think she tolerates me but hides her worry behind a fake smile. She had convinced herself that I will "take her youngest daughter away to America".

They are older than most, her mother being 75 and her father being 86. They are very traditional and polite. Coming over equates to sitting seiza in the tatami room staring at each other blankly. Both wear traditional clothing when I'm over. Her father is also a philosophical guy who views humans as cancer to nature. His wife constantly asks when I will return to America and tells my fiancﾃｩ that I'll run off with a blonde girl. My fiancﾃｩ once expressed she wants a more Western wedding and the laughed and told her they won't come then.

Anyways, we will go to their house to announce our intentions. She had helped me prepare but also wants me to figure stuff out on my own. I've passed N3 but that was years ago. I've been busy with stuff outside of Japanese study so I haven't really advanced. I'm unsure to the actual process; if I need to remember phrases and such.

My questions are:

Are there any key sentences or phrases I should remember like "Please give me your daughter's hand in marriage".

To what extent should I explain our intentions. I plan on saying I will job search while working but should I mention I'll look outside of Japan?

Are there things that I should not say that sounds right in English?

Is there any keigo I should memorize?

I feel I can hold my own in explaining my intentions but how I should talk and words I should use is what worries me. I'm planning on wearing a suit and tie and bring loads of both Japanese and American omiyage.

Anyways, any advice, comments, or answers is much appreciated!

 

[Glenski]

I think you should forget about trying to communicate with them in any true traditional manner. Dad hates humans and Mom has no respect for you as one. Considering their age, I have to ask just how old you and your fiance are. I'm guessing in your 40s at the youngest, so your gf has had enough experience in life to make her own decisions.

Be sure you know what she tells them in your presence. Be polite and civilized. Hope for the best. You can't do more.

If they don't want to go to the wedding, that's their big problem, not yours. You sound like you are open and trusting enough to want them in your lives. If they are too traditional to want you in theirs just because you are a foreigner, to hell with them. Be civil and hope that they see the light with whatever your gf tells them.

Now, with all that said, if you want to explain your intentions to stay in Japan or move away, let us know. Mom thinks you will leave and steal away with her daughter (only daughter?). She is probably wondering who will take care of them as their health fails. Keep that in mind and have the talk with your gf first. We have no way of knowing anything more about your situation than you tell us, and I hate speculating. Best of luck.

 

[venusbloom]

Sorry if I seemed critical of them. They are nice people who have helped me and included me in activities. The dad likes me and said "It truly makes him happy seeing us together." He's a nice enough guy; just set in his ways. Her mother is just a bit.....hesitant.

Wow, you think I'm 40? That surprised me. I'm 28, she's 27. Are most users on this forum older? The reason why they are older is they married late. My fiancﾃｩ has half brothers that are in their fifties. But they've been disowned from the family. She has an older sister who is married with children.

We think they will be ok with it but my fiancﾃｩ said to lie if they ask if I will move to America. She said to say we intend to stay in Japan. I feel bad about that but it might be for the best. We plan to live here in Japan or possibly move to Hawaii or Cali. I'm iriginally from Ohio.

Thank you for your response! It helped me sort out what I should say and act. From experience, are there any phrases? My fiancﾃｩ suggested "お娘さんをください。". I guess it's an older way to ask the father.

Thanks for the help

 

[undrentide]

Maybe you misquoted your fieance's words, native speaker never say お娘さんをください as it is grammatically incorrect.
It makes more sense if you knock off お from 娘さん still it does not sound right.
The most common expression is お嬢さんをください （おじょうさん is a polite way to mention a daughter of the person you're talking to.) This phrase is often followed by 必ず幸せにします。 (I promise I'll make her happy.)
I'm not sure if this is the best expression for your fiance's parents, because while some recognise this phrase as a common and traditional, there are some people who take offense, saying their daughter is not a thing so they cannot "give" her. (Translation of the phrase is 'give (me) your daughter'.) Just try to be polite and sincere seems to be the best way as Glenski suggested, and if you are not fluent in Japanese yet want to say something in Japanese, you should discuss it well with your fiance and maybe someone (Japanese) and older/much experienced as to what to say and how to say it.

 

[venusbloom]

Yeah i misquoted. She said its ok to say but it's unknown how they will react. We will go there for lunch and I'm planning on being truthful and sincere. I have a few prepared discussion points and answers to questions I know they will ask. My fiancﾃｩ said to be assertive. Her mother might say that in order for us to marry, I have to become more fluent in Japsnese. She told me to not give up and continue to fight torwards getting them to agree - respectfully of course.

I'm a bit nervous though. I did this 10 years ago with a ex-girlfriend in Anerica. Her father was a chill guy though (despite being a former crackhead, a pastor, and full body tattoos). I just plan on being truthful, honest, respectful, yet obstinate and steadfast.

 

[Glenski]

Mom is 75 and daughter is 27. Married late or not (to second husband or not), that means she had your gf when she was 47-48 years old. Pretty unheard of even right now because of the risk to mother and child, but still biologically possible. Barely. I estimated your ages based on a much younger possible age for her parents on the basis of common sense. Women are afraid of having kids after 35 or so because of their biological clocks (causing birth defects, having menopause).

Screw trying to learn pat phrases. If Dad likes you as much as you say, you're halfway home. If Mom is more hesitant than adamant (what you wrote initially), then that's a softer target than you first told us. Help keep us clear what is happening here, or you will get different advice.

Just be your admirable, amiable, polite Ohio self. I don't know how you communicate with Mom and Dad on other matters, but treat this with a bit more caution and respect, but don't try to go into keigo and traditional poses. That is out of character. Let your gf do any explaining necessary if you flub it. You intentions can be read in your face and eyes and in the tone of your voice.

As for "lying" about where you will eventually live, don't. It's an honest answer to say you don't know just now. It sounds as if you truly want to stay in Japan for a while, so focus on that and whatever job situations you both have. Everything else is "We don't know". In my own case, my wife is the oldest child and the only daughter. She looks after her parents more than her brother, even though they live by themselves and are self-sufficient. When one of them dies, I'm sure we will somehow change our living situation to be in the same house with the surviving parent. This has been discussed between her and me a little, even though her parents are younger than yours. I don't know you gf's feelings on this, but it might be a factor in Mom wanting you to stay. I suspect not, and that the main reason is that she is the baby child. Keep all that in mind. Best of luck.