What's new

Welcome to Japan Reference (JREF) - the community for all Things Japanese.

Join Today! It is fast, simple, and FREE!

Learn Japanese with JapanesePod101.com

Is this piece of writing perfect?

Mansoor

後輩
Joined
4 Mar 2016
Messages
394
Reaction score
87
During the years that I dropped in JapanForums off and on, I neglected this topic that helps non native Englishes.

However, I sometimes write a piece of the fiction for entertainment and as well as practicing English. I want to know, is this piece of the story correct or it has some errors?

A dense and non-integrated cloud covered the sky. Its lower layer was dark and some areas with less thickness seemed brighter within the dim pieces. A relatively strong wind had blown the sea and the short seawaves hit the body of the small fishing boat . As captain Antonio was lighting his pipe looked at the mainsail that the wind was shaking it disorderly and mad some alternative "prop", "prop" sound. He left the two fishing men, who sat in a corner of the duck and were playing with some pieces of wood and walked to the nose of the boat...
 

Davey

Moderator
Moderator
Joined
5 Feb 2005
Messages
7,450
Reaction score
471
A dense and non-integrated cloud covered the sky. Its lower layer was dark and some areas with less thickness seemed brighter within the dim pieces. A relatively strong wind had blown the sea and the short seawaves hit the body of the small fishing boat . As captain Antonio was lighting his pipe he looked at the mainsail that the wind was shaking (it) disorderly and made some alternative "prop", "prop" sounds. He left the two fishing men, who sat in a corner of the dock (and) who were playing with some pieces of wood (and) as he walked to the nose of the boat...

Just my thoughts but I'm sure a native speaker can do it better
 

Mansoor

後輩
Joined
4 Mar 2016
Messages
394
Reaction score
87
Thank you Davey :)

But, are you sure "who" is necessary after dock?

Also adding "as he" seems to be extra? because the captain just is going to other side of the boat and don't want to do anything else? Isn't "he" enough?
 

Lothor

Proofreader extraordinaire
Moderator
Donor
Joined
26 Sep 2015
Messages
1,003
Reaction score
511
During the years that I dropped in JapanForums off and on, I neglected this topic that helps non native Englishes.

However, I sometimes write a piece of the fiction for entertainment and as well as practicing English. I want to know, is this piece of the story correct or it has some errors?

A dense and non-integrated cloud covered the sky. Its lower layer was dark and some areas with less thickness seemed brighter within the dim pieces. A relatively strong wind had blown the sea and the short seawaves hit the body of the small fishing boat . As captain Antonio was lighting his pipe looked at the mainsail that the wind was shaking it disorderly and mad some alternative "prop", "prop" sound. He left the two fishing men, who sat in a corner of the duck and were playing with some pieces of wood and walked to the nose of the boat...
Hi Mansoor,

It's a nice piece of writing. I think that trying to achieve perfection or even error-free English is an unrealistic aim, possibly even for many native speakers. Humans make errors. I can see some influence of your engineering/technical background in your writing, maybe 'patchwork' or 'variegated' would be better than 'non-integrated' though there may be a better word - writing fiction isn't my strong point. I'd just use 'waves' rather than 'seawaves' - the reader knows what kind of waves they are. There are some grammatical errors toward the end.

I'd probably write it something like this.
'A dense, variegated cloud covered the sky (part of the sky? one cloud covering all the sky is unlikely). Its lower layer was dark but some of the thicker areas were brighter. A strong wind was blowing the sea and short waves were hitting the body of the small fishing boat (I don't like short waves - it sound scientific and short waves usually refer to the frequency not the size) but I don't want to use 'small' a second time in the sentence. I think the continuous tense is better in this sentence to get the sense of duration). As Captain Antonio was lighting his pipe, he looked at the mainsail, which was being shaken by the wind, making an intermittent (or a regular) "prop", "prop" sound. He left the two fisherman sat in the corner of the dock (?) and playing with some pieces of wood, and walked to the prow of the boat.'

I'm not entirely happy with this, and it would be nice for some other people to rewrite it so you get a flavour of different styles of writing.
Hope that's helpful.
 

Mansoor

後輩
Joined
4 Mar 2016
Messages
394
Reaction score
87
Nice guidance, Lothor :)

I found out, you seems to be a capable fiction writer, but just need to find your talent and create some ideas!

However, I sent this piece to test my English in this background and your nice edition detected my failures.

I got your edition as a reference and realized that the most of my mistakes were using improper tenses. I also sometimes forget the correct spell of a word. for instance, I did mean "deck" but wrote "duck" in my first post! Then Davey offered me to replace "duck" with "dock". so I supposed it is the same "deck" and followed his suggestion!

In fact a part of my errors is relative to my shortage knowing the name of some objects. For example I didn't know the nose of a boat is called prow. So I think, not only I should work with tenses more and more, but also have to learn the correct name of the things that I want to use in a story. Another example is that, I wanted to show the sky was covered with the cloud that was not integrated and smooth. I should use "disintegrated" or the words that you suggested, but sadly I couldn't find these words at the time.

Anyhow, I should learn these things more:

1- Using proper tenses
2- learning the correct name of the objects that I want to use in a story
3- finding the best verb or adj to make a better sense in readers

I will send some of my future English works (short pieces) to benefit your helps.

Thank you very much :)
 

Lothor

Proofreader extraordinaire
Moderator
Donor
Joined
26 Sep 2015
Messages
1,003
Reaction score
511
Mansoor - you're welcome. Keep trying and all the best with the writing.
 
Top Bottom