- 15 Nov 2002
- 1,837
- 64
Humor from various sources:
Keep this handy on your PC for when you need a stress reliever.
Click on this Toren van beren and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click mouse button. Amazing how they do this. German ingenuity!
Test at the asylum:
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director,
"What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)
The ultimate Bacon sandwich:
http://www.speakeasy.org/~sjmaks/bacon/
Ultimate heartattack just waiting to happen LOL
King Arthur:
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'Why this is no good, Merlin!' the King exclaimed, 'Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe,' said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
'Merlin, you are a genius!' exclaimed the grateful monarch.
'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad,' exclaimed King Arthur. 'My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.
What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,and all
the kings' men. Had scrambled
eggs for breakfast again.
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a phone exchange between a hotel guest & room-svc, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded & published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-svc."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon & eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad! ?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side"
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, & that's all."
RS: "1 Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh & copy, rye?"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
This is hysterical!!!! *Click on the link at the bottom*
I've often been asked if you should leave your computer turned on during the night.
I now have the answer as to what happens to your computer while it is unattended
during the night while you sleep.
justracin.net
I'm glad this is 'humor' and they ain't serious.....LOL
==========================================================================
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking
red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make Love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit On the sofa and fart'.
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q:What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A:Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q:Why do men want to marry virgins?
A:They can't stand criticism.
Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A:Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q:What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?
A:The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q:What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?
A:Reload and try again!
A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing.and uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are you doing for the next generation??"
***********************************************
tekh newz:
closed minded open source:
SBC DotNet Weblog - If only Open Source came with Open Minds...
xray vision:
http://www.aunty-spam.com/x-ray-vision-becomes-a-reality-camera-lens-lets-you-see-through-clothes/
for the paranoid: secret code lets govmint track your printing:
http://www.eff.org/news/archives/2005_10.php#004063
Keep this handy on your PC for when you need a stress reliever.
Click on this Toren van beren and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click mouse button. Amazing how they do this. German ingenuity!
Test at the asylum:
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director,
"What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)
The ultimate Bacon sandwich:
http://www.speakeasy.org/~sjmaks/bacon/
Ultimate heartattack just waiting to happen LOL
King Arthur:
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'Why this is no good, Merlin!' the King exclaimed, 'Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe,' said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
'Merlin, you are a genius!' exclaimed the grateful monarch.
'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad,' exclaimed King Arthur. 'My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.
What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,and all
the kings' men. Had scrambled
eggs for breakfast again.
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a phone exchange between a hotel guest & room-svc, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded & published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-svc."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon & eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad! ?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side"
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, & that's all."
RS: "1 Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh & copy, rye?"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
This is hysterical!!!! *Click on the link at the bottom*
I've often been asked if you should leave your computer turned on during the night.
I now have the answer as to what happens to your computer while it is unattended
during the night while you sleep.
justracin.net
I'm glad this is 'humor' and they ain't serious.....LOL
==========================================================================
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking
red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make Love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit On the sofa and fart'.
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q:What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A:Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q:Why do men want to marry virgins?
A:They can't stand criticism.
Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A:Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q:What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?
A:The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q:What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?
A:Reload and try again!
A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing.and uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are you doing for the next generation??"
***********************************************
tekh newz:
closed minded open source:
SBC DotNet Weblog - If only Open Source came with Open Minds...
xray vision:
http://www.aunty-spam.com/x-ray-vision-becomes-a-reality-camera-lens-lets-you-see-through-clothes/
for the paranoid: secret code lets govmint track your printing:
http://www.eff.org/news/archives/2005_10.php#004063
