A Little Airline Humor

[Mars Man]

Some of you may have already seen this, but for those who have not, a little humor from the people at Quantas Airlines.

Now Quantas has been said to be the only major airline that has never had an accident--could be true, I don't know for sure--but now it cannot be said that they have no sense of humor. All the pilots are required to fill out a 'gripe sheet' which tells the maintenance people about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics and such are to fix the problems, then the pilots are to look at the responses on the 'gripe sheet' before the next flight. Below are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers. (P= problem and S= solution and action taken by ground crew)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P:Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P:Something loose in cockpit.
S:Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P:Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S:Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P:Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S:Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P:Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S:That's what they're there for.


P:IFF inoperative.
S:IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P:Suspected crack in windshield.
S:Suspect you're right.


P:Number 3 engine missing.
S:Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P:Aircraft handles funny.
S:Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.


P:Target radar hums.
S:Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P:Mouse in cockpit.
S:Cat installed.


P:Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S:Took hammer away from midget.

(And flying is statistically safer than driving.)

 

[lexico]

Great stuff, Mars Man. My favorites are nos. 2 & 6.

(2)
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

(6)
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

But I don't know what I'm missing in

(11)
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Is 'missing' an aviation/engine mechanics lingo that means something else ?
Or is this some blunt humor ?

 

[Tsuyoiko]

I like these:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P:Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S:Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P:Suspected crack in windshield.
S:Suspect you're right.

Sarcasm is the highest form of wit!

 

[Mars Man]

The person to set us all straight on these would be our friend Buntaro. A post made by Buntaro on the story about flight 123 which went down in Japan 20 years ago, let us know that he (I didn't check the data, but I think 'he') was an airline pilot.

My guess on the missing thing, is that it's kind of like a car engine. When one or more pistons are not firing in each firing sequence, it said to be 'missing'. Kind of like not getting a hit sometimes on that spark or maybe not getting the spark. From what little I know about jet propulsion engines, I think it can be kind of the same, although the actual cause is of course different.

So, a guess, basically, is that the engine is not burning smoothly.

Yes. Sarcasm is good, as long as it's not too dark too much of the time, I feel. See you all later (ps I love flying although I only have a mere 12 hours logged in. I flew a Cessena 172 (I believe was the model number)--not to say I have a license, I flew with a guy who did, and let me train. I never got mine... I got married instead.

 

[lexico]

Thanks for explaining that; it makes perfect sense, and quite possibly the analogy might extend to the jet engine, although there is not discrete firing in the cylinder. How about fuel injection malfunctioning for a cause ??

 

[Kara_Nari]

Hhaha, I have read these somewhere before, still makes me laugh all the same.
I should ask my friend who is an aircraft engineer here in Korea if they have similar things... however I dont know that the humor is very similar with that of Australians.

 

[White Comet]

that stuff is funni i especially like these ones

P:Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P:Something loose in cockpit.
S:Something tightened in cockpit.

P:Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S:Evidence removed.

P:IFF inoperative.
S:IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P:Aircraft handles funny.
S:Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

P:Mouse in cockpit.
S:Cat installed.


P:Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S:Took hammer away from midget.

lol

 

[Buntaro]

Martian-san! (How do you say "Konnichi wa" in Martian?)

I believe Qantas finally had a crash, about one year ago.

All of these quotes are quite famous in the aviation business. You can see
a poster with all of these quotes in a few maintenance shops.

Giving Qantas credit for all of these quotes is pushing it a little too far. These quotes have been collectd from all over the aviation world.

If the number 3 engine was missing, it was a piston engine, like a DC4 or DC6. It has been along time since those were in service for airlines!

Wanna be a pilot? You have not lived until you have an auto pilot go bad on you, and try to roll the airplane too far....

Trivia quiz: What does DC stand for?

Trivia quiz: What do the letters in the name Qantas stand for?

 

[lexico]

Wanna be a pilot ? You have not lived until you have an auto pilot go bad on you, and try to roll the airplane too far....

Trivia quiz: What does DC stand for?

Trivia quiz: What do the letters in the name Qantas stand for?

It was a childhood dream for me either to go to air-space but I had a bad tooth with bad eye-sight -- so here I'm stuck to the ground.

DC=Dirt Cheap ? Direct Current ? Delivery Customers ?
Qantas=Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Services

 

[Mars Man]

Thanks there Buntaro san !! Sugoi !!

I understand you completely, lexico, I wanted to do the same, and as I said did manage to get about 12 hours flying time under the belt, but that's nothing--and my autopilot was the guy sitting to my left. Only once did he have to intervene when I over-reacted to slight nose drop, and pulled it up a bit too much. But I'm four eyes too, and I got that sweet tooth too!! (It seems Frank had had a big one, but lost it, according to the breakfast thread)

DC? Direct Current? No.... Dilapidated Contraption?

Quantas? Oh, that's easy !! 'How much' {Quantas costa esta?}

Nice one there Buntaro !! Thanks for the insight !! See you all !!

 

[VictorDelacroix]

Well, that helped cheer me up a little. ^^;;

 

[Mars Man]

Well, that helped cheer me up a little. ^^;;

I'm glad to hear that !! A little humor can go a long way sometiimes.