Fiance's family

[hannah1978]

Hi! this is my first time posting-
I'm a canadain engaged to a Japanese man living here. I am going to Japan to meet the family in August. I really want them to like me and think I'm a nice girl. it is his grandfather's 77th birthday. If I ask my fiance for advice he just says-oh don't worry they don't expect you to do anything. They will love you stop worrying. Please someone give me some practical advice! A million thanks!!!!

 

[Damicci]

I am kinda in the same situation but no one can really give you good solid advice as it differs with each family.
Learn Japanese
Thats really about it. Just be respectful. I think most families will worry about cultural differences. My gf mother is worried about our cultural differences and that my gf doesn't speak alot of english so they think we won't work out. Bu I speak ok japanese so it works well. Anyway good luck.

Also this should probably be posted here for future reference:
https://jref.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=119

 

[hannah1978]

ahhh....okay I didn't look around enough first-I was just looking for expressions etc...I can read a bit and can speak a teeny bit because he teaches me but the trip is next month so chances are I won't be learning the language---I think they are okay with the cultural thing as he's been living herer for a long time. Thanks again!!!

 

[Damicci]

So then they are probably pretty open to international cultures. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Treat it as if you were going to meet any other persons family for the first time. (Atleast I hope you would be considerate if it was anybody elses family.)

 

[MajideSaiaku]

My girlfriend extended family made her cry like a girl.
because I'm a gaijin.
I will make a wild assupmtion and guess their more lenient on gaijin women.
Anyway i wouldnt worry, just conduct yourself as you would meeting anyone important for the first time and it should be okay, I wont lie and say theres no chance of them disliking you, ontop of a mothers ctiticism of her sons girlfriends Japan has an element of slight racial descrimination BUT this is only a minority, especially for families of people who date outside of japan.
Bring gifts for his family, you dont need to break the bank but something nice will be greatly appriciated, perhaps if your having a meal with his family in their home offer to help prepare ir ot clean up, or you know, just general politeness one affords family of steady partners in the west.
be yourself, be polite, and relax, and chances are they will think of you as one of the family.
I was looking after my girlfriends mom when she was ill, while my girlfriend was neglecting her doing other things, and now she jokingly refers to me as "Nearly-son".
I found her family and Japan in general more then polite, you get the odd look from strangers as is the case, but it doesnt seem hard to get treated politely, and with just a small bit of effort you can ussually get family to like you like their own family.

 

[nice gaijin]

The set phrase for well-wishing on a birthday is "otanjoubi omedetou gozaimasu." Ask your fiancee how to properly pronounce it. I would also suggest getting gifts specifically from you for everyone. Find out what they all prefer and get them some good omiyage, and something a little nicer for grandpa. If you wrap them don't feel bad if they don't open it in front of you, it's a custom.

Learning Japanese is really the best advice any of us can give. You don't have to be fluent in a month, but just make an effort and they will be impressed.

On a side note, how long have you been with your fiancee? it seems kind of odd to me to go so far as get engaged with someone and only have a minimal understanding of that whole half of his life.

 

[kirei_na_me]

I'm an American woman married to a Japanese guy, and I just met his mother, father, and sister last year for the first time. We had already been married 7 years!

Anyway, the best advice I can give you is show you're interested. Try to make an effort to use whatever Japanese you know. If you can't speak it fluently, at least try to throw in a word or two here and there. You don't have to have to know proper sentence structure and everything. They will greatly appreciate anything you can say.

Also, smile a lot. Japanese people are greatly influenced by just the look on your face. Always smile and look pleasant. It really helps.

The best thing you can do is just relax and go with the flow. Use your fiance as translator. Don't be afraid to comment on something or ask them something through him. It will show them that you're interested, and I think they appreciate that more than anything. Don't give up communicating with them just because you can't speak fluent Japanese. Lord knows, I can't, and I made out just fine...

I'm really sure you don't have anything to worry about.

 

[DoctorP]

I will speak out on one thing. I wouldn't buy gifts for everyone unless you feel you have to buy their approval. I understand it is custom, but unless it is your custom don't do it.

Be polite, learn as much as you can before coming, and have a good time.

 

[Mike Cash]

Smile. A lot.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Try to make appropriate jokes at appropriate times. When I was engaged, this was the key for me winning her parents' approval.

I didn't really speak any Japanese at the time either, btw.

 

[RockLee]

Smile. A lot.

Haha Mike! That might just be the most important thing to do !! I agree with being polite, it will help you a lot

 

[Hiroyuki Nagashima]

In Japan, there is a special birthday celebrating longevity.
A birthday of 77 years old says "ﾅ?ﾃｬﾅｽﾃｵ ( kiju ) ".
http://www.experiencefestival.com/a/Customs_and_etiquette_of_Japan_-_Special_birthdays/id/1371062

 

[Davey]

Have fun!

Have fun talking to them, and enjoy your expierence in this! Don`t worry to much about it, you have got a lot of advice in here now.

So yeah enjoy, smile, be polite, and don`t forget to be yourself!!

( maybe... some Kansai-ben will make them laugh )

 

[MajideSaiaku]

Meeting a partners family is like going to the dentist.

Worrying only makes things worse.

 

[Kyledesu]

Bring gifts for the family, ask the Fiance what the family likes.
Also, if you have the money offer to pay for things first,(Like dinner etc) most of the time they will turn it down, however my wife sais its the polite thing to do as most japanese are always giving. (Likewise do the reverse if they offer to pay first). Learn some japanese you dont need to be fluent, just enough to show them your trying. Hopefully, your fiance will do most of the translating and decifer what is bad and good to say before translating.

But, seeing how your interested in making a good impression, already shows me you probably will so dont worry about it too much..
Gombatane..(Good Luck)

 

[hannah1978]

thank you thank you!

I went away for a few days I'm so sorry I wasn't here to reply to your advice! everyone thankyou so much. The advice is really really useful! I'm feeling okay and am now armed with a little more information. I can say some basic things in Japanese-he taught me katakana and hiragana and we have tiny little conversations in Japanese-I really should have been studying harder-but I will do my best! The bonus is his mom is a travel agent and can speak a bit of english I guess...
It was a good point about not knowing a part of his life and I think that's why both of us are really excited about going. He really wants to show me everything. Especially food apparently. he cooks a lot here so I guess i'm somewhat prepared...luckily I'm not a squeamish or fussy eater and actually like natto.
I'm getting really excited now and I do thank you all very much for your help!
I will post here atnd let you know what happened!
Take care!