We've been married for eight years, and the decision to marry at least on my part was largely influenced by her being pregnant with my child, and her deciding that she would go back to Japan. She told me that she would take care of the child, and that I could just send money if I wanted, that it wasn't necessary to marry to take care of my child. I decided that I really should take care of the child, and I thought that I might feel that it was not right having a child in the world that I didn't know. I got on with her well enough at the time, and thought that even though this wasn't what I had imagined in a marriage partner, that over time I could come to accept it and perhaps even to find a great relationship. Something that got on me right away was her strong-will and how she would threaten till she got what she wanted. I should mention that when we decided to get married, we had known each other for two and a half months.
It was soon after we got to Japan that I went out and got drunk. I got together with two girls on two different nights within the space of two weeks (one I kissed, the other I almost slept with). Dunno, I still wasn't too serious about marriage, and I somehow felt I was missing something in my relationship with my wife. I was looking for someone that actually seemed to like me. I was honest and told her about both, and promised it would never happen again. She still didn't trust me, even though nothing had happened for seven years. She believes people don't change.
The marriage felt empty for a good eight years, and stuff that I asked for, such as a clean house (our place was a constant clutter of bags, rotting food in the fridge and bags around the house, papers strewn all over the floor), dunno, I'm a tidy person, and I tried cleaning the place quite a few times, it quickly ended up the way it was before (within the space of a couple of days).
When we arrived in Japan, since she knew what she was doing, I gave her control of the finances, but later I wanted to know what was happening with the money, and I was irritated to see her buying stuff that she never used with my money. She never let me know what was going on, and she continued buying stuff that she never used (we've got stocks of food, cooking supplies, and other stuff that she never uses), and I was living with a very small allowance that she wasn't willing to renegotiate, and at one time demanded I reduce my allowance from 20 000yen to 10 000yen. She was good at saving, but I also felt she wasted a lot of money on stuff that went bad or she never used.
I also need a healthy diet, my health isn't as good as other people's, and I suggested I cook for myself, since she didn't want to eat what I wanted to eat, and that she most often cooked something fairly unhealthy up. She was opposed to my cooking for myself, and said we must eat as a family.
I got tired of having little control over what happened, add that to a marriage that we both agreed felt empty, and I just didn't want to be there anymore. I talked to her about getting divorced in September 2006.
She agreed to the divorce, saying that it felt empty, and that she didn't want to waste more time in an empty relationship. Now she wants to try again cause she's been thinking of what family means, and that my son wouldn't want us to get divorced. I'm somewhat opposed to the idea just cause she holds the belief that people never change, and thus I will never change. I'd guess that due to that belief it would still be an empty relationship.
She reasoned at the time we decided to divorce that she could find a partner that she could have a good relationship with (that has seemingly changed recently), and I reasoned that I could get control over my life again, being able to eat what I wanted to eat, live in a simple and tidy place, go to bed at a reasonable time (sometimes I'd end up having to stay up till 4am with no place to sleep while she finished up her preparation for work the next day), and perhaps someday find a partner that I could get on well with.
She found an interest in June last year, an Aussie living in a different part of Japan she was quite interested in. They did a lot of e-mail exchanging, video mails, instant messaging, and talking on the phone. She finally decided that she couldn't wait till I had moved out to see the guy and find out whether he was the right one, and she went to his place and spent a night with him in September (nothing happened), she decided he wasn't mature enough, and broke that off. I found a girlfriend as well, but that's been quite rocky cause I'm still married, and I'm going to break that off given the terms my wife's given me.
She told me that I must decide between my son or that girl, and that I must accept my son and her as a set. I can't see my son without her, cause that's what my son would want, and I must have a good relationship with her, cause that's what my son would want, and that we should rechallenge the relationship. If I don't accept those terms, then I can't see my son again, and she promises she will never take my son to Canada (she agrees that it would provide my son with a lot of opportunities in the future, and that it would be great for him to know my side of the family, nonetheless).
I'm mulling over whether I could actually rechallenge the relationship, cause if I can't put my heart into it, then it's going to be tense for my son, and if she can't change her belief that people never change, then it will be an empty relationship. What would be best for all of us? I really don't know. I'm also wondering if she can actually do some of the things that I find necessary for sanity, such as keeping the place tidy (most of the stuff was her stuff, clothes, bags, papers, etc etc).
I know I indicated I didn't have a girlfriend in my first post, I wasn't ready to post that yet. Anyways, that's pretty much over, so I don't have a girlfriend, cause I'll break that off when next I see her.
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