Help! - Relationship

[AVDV]

Okay, this is my first topic in the forum and I hope I'm posting the right stuff in the right place '-'
Well here is a romantic story that I want to tell you guys:
I went to The United States for the last year's school year as an exchange student, and there I met a Japanese girl who I fell in love with. At first, we weren't taking it so seriously since we knew we would need to come back to our home countries, but our love was growing stronger and stronger every single day.
Then the exchanging year is done and I'm back to my country and she is back to Japan.
Everything was going fine until her mom found out a picture of us kissing, and by the time we took the picture in US I didn't know it would be a big problem, but after learning and understanding more about the culture I figured out I did something wrong, so her mom got really mad and told us to break up... Since we love eachother so much, we decided to not and keep the relationship still in secret...
Other things made her mom not want her to be with me besides just because of the picture: because I'm someone from a different culture so she thinks I wouldn't be a good boyfriend (we have already one year together), she is not in the age to be in a relationship (she was 18, and now 19), most of the marriages between japanese people and foreigners end up in divorce, and other things like that...
PS: Her mother is from a old family in Toyama area by the rice fields, so I think that might have an influence on her way of thinking.
So... Do anyone have any kind of hints or suggestions to solve this complex and complicated problem? Did someone get in a situation like this before? How did it end?
Sorry If the topic sounded too selfish, so please also post your experiences and what you did for making it the most opened as possible.
Thanks =)
AVDV

 

[Jerry Cullins]

Ok (warms up his combat boots to stomp on your young heart)

Now realizing that I'm more than 2x your age let me try to tell you the sad sad truth. Nothing you can do is going to change the decision your paramour makes. I know the temptation is to try to run over there and reunite with your long distance love but you're too far away and she's under her mom's thumb.

You also are not going to be able to come out "publicly" if you two decide to keep a secret long distance relationship. Her mom sounds rather dead set against a foreign boyfriend and you are unlikely to be able to change that (and it is equally unlikely to change if you become a foreign husband or foreign donor of genetic material for grandchildren).

So enjoy your secret love with this young lady. Skype/video chatting/etc. have made long distance relationships possible in a way that those of us who had LDR's 20 years ago are envious of. And be happy in the knowledge that if it does work out it was probably meant to be (the wife and I lived in different states for the first 6 months of our relationship - some 15 years ago). But there isn't a darned thing you can do to make her situation any better, only worse.

 

[zweifel]

Hi AVDV,

The best relationships support amazing difficulties, I supported 1 year and I know people who supported 6 months.
But be prepared for the worst, you should always be.

This is a test for the feelings you both have to each other.

Keep it up and be strong!

 

[Glenski]

Everything was going fine until her mom found out a picture of us kissing, and by the time we took the picture in US I didn't know it would be a big problem, but after learning and understanding more about the culture I figured out I did something wrong,

No, you didn't. Neither did your girlfriend. The problem is your girlfriend's mother's ancient ideas of not mixing the races.

You might make her change. You might not. If your gf is 19, her mom is probably about 40 years old. That is actually quite young to have such an old idea about mixing of the races nowadays. Mom needs to get out more.

Other things made her mom not want her to be with me besides just because of the picture: because I'm someone from a different culture so she thinks I wouldn't be a good boyfriend (we have already one year together), she is not in the age to be in a relationship (she was 18, and now 19),

Uh, Mom needs to open her eyes and realize that her daughter (and most daughters that age) are having sex and getting into relationships.

How old are you, by the way?
You're from Brazil. Any Japanese lineage?

 

[Chidoriashi]

Guys the OP has not been on the forum for more than 2 months, don't hold your breath for a response.

 

[Mike Cash]

It's a little unfair to leap to accusations of racism being the root of the mother's concern. There is more than enough about that situation to give a mother cause for concern and strong objections without even considering race.

A few days ago my wife picked up my daughter from her piano lesson, and said that the teacher's daughter (who was formerly my daughter's kindergarten teacher) is contemplating marriage with an American she met while studying in the US. The mother wanted my wife's advice, and asked her to ask for mine as well. The mother has strong objections, and they are primarily geographic. The future son-in-law has zero interest in living in Japan, even though his employer does have a branch in Japan and conceivably he could swing a transfer if he wanted to.

As my wife kept listing off the mother's objections, I asked her...."Do you appreciate me a little more now?" I came here and settled down only an hour away from her family. My side of the family is the one that got screwed in the kokusai kekkon department.

 

[Sepponite]

I can't blame her mother. I've got a nineteen year old daughter, and if I found out she was in a relationship with somebody not Japanese, I'd be dead set against it.

Been married 20 years to a Japanese woman, and if I had known then what I know now, I would have ran for the hills. Just too many differences, expectations of what marriage is (hope you don't enjoy sex), and expectations of what a man is supposed to do.

 

[Jerry Cullins]

Hmm Sepponite, any reason you'd care to share with us for why you would be dead set against your adult daughter being in a relationship with someone who wasn't Japanese?

And I'm sorry you don't enjoy sex with your wife. I've only been married 14 years but I still enjoy sex with my wife a great deal.

 

[Chidoriashi]

Hmm Sepponite, any reason you'd care to share with us for why you would be dead set against your adult daughter being in a relationship with someone who wasn't Japanese?
And I'm sorry you don't enjoy sex with your wife. I've only been married 14 years but I still enjoy sex with my wife a great deal.

I agree. I have heard of marriages like the one Sepponite has (on the net), but despite Japanese society having some "norms" in marriage, every woman is different, and so it is really impossible to say in all objectivity that one should stay away from marrying a Japanese girl because of this or that.

And hell all men are different too I might add. It is all about chemistry and the outlook one takes on their life.

 

[Sepponite]

Hmm Sepponite, any reason you'd care to share with us for why you would be dead set against your adult daughter being in a relationship with someone who wasn't Japanese?
And I'm sorry you don't enjoy sex with your wife. I've only been married 14 years but I still enjoy sex with my wife a great deal.

Because I want her to marry a nice Japanese guy that understands his job is to spend all day at work, come home and hand his salary immediately over to his wife (my daughter), then head back to work so he can support his family (my daughter and grandchildren). If he can sneak 1,000 yen every now and then to support his collection of gundam action figures, he'll be a happy camper. My daughter will lord it over the house, and when grandpa comes over to visit, any beer he has in the fridge becomes grandpa's beer.

If she ended up getting married to some gaijin, the chances that he'd stay in Japan without going crazy are actually quite slim. I've seen too many come here and lose it after a year or two.

 

[noyhauser]

Because I want her to marry a nice Japanese guy that understands his job is to spend all day at work, come home and hand his salary immediately over to his wife (my daughter), then head back to work so he can support his family (my daughter and grandchildren). If he can sneak 1,000 yen every now and then to support his collection of gundam action figures, he'll be a happy camper. My daughter will lord it over the house, and when grandpa comes over to visit, any beer he has in the fridge becomes grandpa's beer.
If she ended up getting married to some gaijin, the chances that he'd stay in Japan without going crazy are actually quite slim. I've seen too many come here and lose it after a year or two.

This has to be the best troll I've heard in awhile, the gundam bit was a nice touch. Can you hit anymore cultural stereotypes in one post?

 

[Sepponite]

This has to be the best troll I've heard in awhile, the gundam bit was a nice touch. Can you hit anymore cultural stereotypes in one post?

I could have thrown a ton more out there, but I think the point was made. I haven't a clue what kinda guy my daughter will find. The only way to get me more comfortable with the guy is to actually know him.

Same is true for the OP. He's not going to get his girlfriend's mother to trust him until she knows him.

Fortunately for me, my only concern right now is that my daughter will run away with some Korean boy band member that wears lipstick and mascara.

 

[Chipi]

Just in case you're still reading, AVDV, if your feelings are true and real, just hold on! Like already mentioned, we are so lucky to have internet, webcams, phones etc. I've been together with my fiancee for over 5 years, of which maybe about 2 years, in total, we've had to live far away from eachother. Of course it's hard, but if you believe in something and know in your heart it's the real thing, you just make it work. Strong will moves mountains

 

[Mike Cash]

This has to be the best troll I've heard in awhile, the gundam bit was a nice touch. Can you hit anymore cultural stereotypes in one post?

I agree with him 100%. Want to call me a troll too?

 

[noyhauser]

I agree with him 100%. Want to call me a troll too?

Sure, I would if you just created your account, then wrote replies that seemingly talked about very personal views, made highly stereotypical comments about japanese life and other religions and all in perfect english.