Does this make sense?

[Yuki no Shiwasu]

こんにちは! I'm writing a paragraph for the penpal section of this website and wanted to double check if it all makes sense. If any of the vocab is wrong or if the word order is wrong please let me know as soon as possible!

ありがとうございます

こんにちは! わたし の なまえ は ロワン です そして じゅう ご さい だ. イギリスジン だ そしてイギリス に すんでいます. まんが を よみます, おんがく を ききます と かきます が すき です. にほんじん の ペンフレンド を さがして います. だれか の おなじ とし そして えいご を はなせる いちばん います. ごめん なざい! まだ ならって います から, にほんご は よく できません. もっと にんたい なければならたい います. へんじする もうすぐ!

 

[undrentide]

Could you write down what you intend to write in English as well?
Then other members can see if the words/expressions are appropriate and will give you helpful information/advice.

 

[Chidoriashi]

Umm I think it is understandable. Of course there are mistakes, and you should keep the politeness level consistent, but I think you should leave it as is. You state that you are still learning, and if you write a flawless letter.. it certainly would not look as authentic. Perhaps your future penpal is the person you want correcting and helping you with things anyway.. No?

 

[nice gaijin]

I get the basic gist... question is, do you want it to be completely grammatically correct, or would that perhaps give people the wrong impression of your language skills... I corrected the paragraph but decided I'd rather just give you the main points and let you correct yourself.

• There are really no spaces in Japanese between the words like in English, even after the periods. The fonts on the computer are kerned accordingly for the proper visual pace.
  
• Japanese periods and commas are "。" and "、" respectively.
  
• If you are going to use the polite form (です), stick with it for the rest of your writing.
  
• the ～て form is usually used to link clauses similar to the way "and" works in English. そして comes at the beginning of a sentence.
  
• To link your hobbies together, you can use the ～たり、～たりする construct. するのがすきです is how you say you like doing something. What is it you enjoy writing?
  
• hmm, there are various ways to say that you'd prefer someone your age, and someone who speaks English. "Good" is いいです, so I think you meant いちばんいいです at the end of that sentence.
  
• ごめんなさい is an apology, but perhaps a little strong for your needs here. I would recommend using すみません, more like "excuse me."
  
• were you trying to say that you need to persevere or something? I would just say がんばります。
  
• The last sentence, are you trying to say you'll respond quickly? or that you're looking forward to their reply or something?

がんばって！

 

[Yuki no Shiwasu]

I get the basic gist... question is, do you want it to be completely grammatically correct, or would that perhaps give people the wrong impression of your language skills... I corrected the paragraph but decided I'd rather just give you the main points and let you correct yourself.

• There are really no spaces in Japanese between the words like in English, even after the periods. The fonts on the computer are kerned accordingly for the proper visual pace.
• Japanese periods and commas are "。" and "、" respectively.
• If you are going to use the polite form (です), stick with it for the rest of your writing.
• the ～て form is usually used to link clauses similar to the way "and" works in English. そして comes at the beginning of a sentence.
• To link your hobbies together, you can use the ～たり、～たりする construct. するのがすきです is how you say you like doing something. What is it you enjoy writing?
• hmm, there are various ways to say that you'd prefer someone your age, and someone who speaks English. "Good" is いいです, so I think you meant いちばんいいです at the end of that sentence.
• ごめんなさい is an apology, but perhaps a little strong for your needs here. I would recommend using すみません, more like "excuse me."
• were you trying to say that you need to persevere or something? I would just say がんばります。
• The last sentence, are you trying to say you'll respond quickly? or that you're looking forward to their reply or something?

がんばって！

Okay... so for the first sentence would I write it like this?

そしてわたしのなまえはロワンじゅうごさいです.

And I don't fully understand what you mean by the linking hobbies thing. If you don't mind, could you please explain it in more detail? Sorry! And with the writing thing, I like writing stories When I wrote もっとにんたいなければならないいます I was trying to say that much patience would be needed but I had severe doubts that it would be correct. And finally, with the last sentence, I was trying to say 'Reply soon!' and that was what I came up with. How would you say that then?

Thanks for the help with the other stuff. I'll sort it out tonight on paper and type it up on this thread with the corrections.

 

[Elizabeth]

Okay... so for the first sentence would I write it like this?
そしてわたしのなまえはロワンじゅうごさいです.
And I don't fully understand what you mean by the linking hobbies thing. If you don't mind, could you please explain it in more detail? Sorry! And with the writing thing, I like writing stories When I wrote もっとにんたいなければならないいます I was trying to say that much patience would be needed but I had severe doubts that it would be correct. And finally, with the last sentence, I was trying to say 'Reply soon!' and that was what I came up with. How would you say that then?
Thanks for the help with the other stuff. I'll sort it out tonight on paper and type it up on this thread with the corrections.

もっとにんたいなければならないいます desu instead of "gozaimasu" is appropriate.

Gaman shite ne. Please be patient.

But I think Yoroshiku onegaishimasu is much more natural.


Sorry I don't have time to answer more now...

 

[Glenn]

Okay... so for the first sentence would I write it like this?

そしてわたしのなまえはロワンじゅうごさいです.

I'd say わたしのなまえはロワンで、じゅうごさいです。would be better. The で is the ～て form of だ/です (like nice gaijin was talking about), so it's like "to be/is/am, and..." The above sentence, then, would be "my name is Rowan, and I'm 15 years old." Sorry, I don't know what your name's English spelling would be.

And I don't fully understand what you mean by the linking hobbies thing. If you don't mind, could you please explain it in more detail?

おんがくを きいたり まんがを よんだり かいたりするのが すきです。For instance. Although that's saying that you like listening to music, and reading and writing manga.

When I wrote もっとにんたいなければならないいます I was trying to say that much patience would be needed but I had severe doubts that it would be correct. And finally, with the last sentence, I was trying to say 'Reply soon!' and that was what I came up with. How would you say that then?

That's sort of an English way of putting things, I'd say. It can be hard when you have a sentence in mind that you like in English and want to put it into Japanese, but there isn't really anything like it in Japanese. In this case nice gaijin's suggestion of がんばります may be best. がんばり is actually offered as a gloss for "patience" in the 研究社新英和中辞典. Native speakers may have a better suggestion for you, though.

For the reply thing, おへんじを おまちしております is a pretty set phrase, although it means "I (humbly) await your reply."

 

[nice gaijin]

Sorry I didn't get back to this sooner, but Glenn's response pretty much covers everything.

I should have been a little more specific; そして is kind of like "and" or "and then" at the beginning of a sentence, so it's like saying something in addition or describing an action following what happened in the previous sentence. Try using the ~て form, it functions a little bit more like "and" in the sense that you're thinking of here.

~たり~たりする may be a little advanced structure for you at this point, but I was pretty much thinking of the same example Glenn came up with: おんがくを きいたり まんがを よんだり かいたりするのが すきです。
This is like saying "I like doing things like..." the Verb+のがすきです part is what expresses "like to VERB" The reason I asked what you like to write is because linked together this way, it sounds like you like to read and write manga. If you like to read manga and write letters, you could say まんがをよんだりてがみをかいたりするのがすきです。

For asking for patience, I like Elizabeth's suggestion of よろしくおねがいします, it implies you are asking for their patience with you. がんばります is more of an expression that you will try your best.

If you want to be a little less formal and more friendly sounding, you can say something like おへんじをたのしみにしています, which is more like "I'm looking forward to your reply!"

 

[Elizabeth]

Sorry I didn't get back to this sooner, but Glenn's response pretty much covers everything.

I should have been a little more specific; そして is kind of like "and" or "and then" at the beginning of a sentence, so it's like saying something in addition or describing an action following what happened in the previous sentence. Try using the ~て form, it functions a little bit more like "and" in the sense that you're thinking of here.

Just to clarify for the OP, そして isn't only at the beginning of sentences by any means but I do agree it is out of range for this situation.

And now I'll stop trying to correct at work after completely mis-reading the first sentence.:sorry:

 

[nice gaijin]

I did say that it would come at the beginning of the sentence in a previous post, but I also use it mid-sentence so that is not true. I should've said that it comes at the beginning of a clause

 

[Elizabeth]

そして can separate a series of multiple nouns as well. I hear it all the time in that usage on the news.


私は薬理学と生化学と生理学を勉強しています。

私は薬理学、生化学、そして生理学を勉強しています。

私は薬理学、生化学、および生理学を勉強しています。

- 私は薬理学、生化学、ならびに生理学を勉強しています。and probably more...

 

[Glenn]

It's kind of amazing how many different words Japanese has for "and." And that's not counting the ones that get baked into the verb forms.

と
や
そして
および
ならびに

Plus, you could even make a case for とか and が. Then you could count the ～て form and 連用形 of verbs, adjectives, and the copula too. I may even be missing a few.

 

[Elizabeth]

There is a ton of miscellaneous connectors -- I guess fairly "strict" (though not necessarily literal) translations. 私は薬理学も生化学も生理学も勉強しています。 (And don't overlook the obvious !

Sore kara (almost interchangeable with Soshite but talking about things in a more sequential order)...nanode ("and" not really translated), mata, (shika)mo, sono ue, sore ni, sara ni, sometimes no ni....

 

[Glenn]

Those are starting to stray from "and," though. We have "furthermore," "in addition," "also," "and then," "moreso," etc. in English as well. I was thinking more strictly things that could only be translated as "and." We only really have "and" in English for that purpose. も in that usage is certainly interesting, though, from a translation perspective.

 

[Elizabeth]

Those are starting to stray from "and," though. We have "furthermore," "in addition," "also," "and then," "moreso," etc. in English as well. I was thinking more strictly things that could only be translated as "and." We only really have "and" in English for that purpose. も in that usage is certainly interesting, though, from a translation perspective.

That's true. These can all be translated "and" but not only that. Same with も. But to (sore ni), te (kara), sore kara, soshite (and then) ya/nado, ni, etc can also be read "along with," "in addition to," "as well as..." :?

 

[Elizabeth]

And finally, with the last sentence, I was trying to say 'Reply soon!' and that was what I came up with. How would you say that then?
Thanks for the help with the other stuff. I'll sort it out tonight on paper and type it up on this thread with the corrections.

「person's name の返事を楽しみにしています。/person's name の返事を楽しみにして待っています。」, 「おへんじを おまちしております」

Both what Glenn and Nice gaijin suggest get the idea across politely that you are concerned and interested in the relationship and eagerly awaiting the next correspondence.


"Take care !" which literally means "watch out!" "look after yourself" is also a very positive concluding note.

きをつけてね !


Please reply at your earliest convenience (sounds a bit stuffy).

なるべく早くに御返事よろしくお願いします、

 

[Glenn]

That's true. These can all be translated "and" but not only that. Same with も. But to (sore ni), te (kara), sore kara, soshite (and then) ya/nado, ni, etc can also be read "along with," "in addition to," "as well as..." :?

Oh yeah, に? I forgot about that one!

 

[Yuki no Shiwasu]

こんにちは everybody! Thanks for all your help guys! It's been really helpful for my learning So here is my paragraph with all the corrections included!

こんにちは! わたしのなまえはロワンで、じゅうごさいです。イギリ スジンですそしてイギリスにすんでいます。おんがくを きいたりまんがをよんだりかいたりするのがすきです。 にほんじんのペンフレンドをさがしています。だれかの おなじとしそしてえいごをはなせるいちばんいいです。 すみません! まだならっていますから、にほんごはよくできません。 よろしくおねがいします。きをつけて!

If there are still some more corrections to be made, please let me know!

どうもありがとうございます

 

[undrentide]

こんにちは! わたしのなまえはロワンで、じゅうごさいです。

イギリスジンです。そしてイギリスにすんでいます。

おんがくをきいたり、まんがをよんだりかいたりするのがすきです。

にほんじんのペンフレンドをさがしています。

Very good, just small corrections about punctuation.


だれかのおなじとしそしてえいごをはなせるいちばんいいです。
↓↓↓
だれかおなじとしで、えいごをはなせるひとがいちばんいいです。


すみません! まだならっていますから、にほんごはよくできません。
すみません！まだならっているので／べんきょうちゅうなので、にほんごはよくできません。

Polite form such as います is basically used only at the end of a sentence. But the sentence is understandable so do not worry about it too much.

よろしくおねがいします。きをつけて!

きをつけて sounds more like "be careful!""pay attention!" and it is not used in the same way as a greeting like "take care" in English.
I'd omit it but if you want to add something after よろしくおねがいします, maybe じゃあね or またね (both means "see you") would fit better.

がんばってね。

 

[Elizabeth]

よろしくおねがいします。きをつけて!

It was my custom to say きをつけてね in letters. Sorry for the misleading suggestion. But maybe not as an introductory salutation.

Or further down the page, not directly following よろしくおねがいします。

 

[undrentide]

It was my custom to say きをつけてね in letters. Sorry for the misleading suggestion. But maybe not as an introductory salutation.

Or further down the page, not directly following よろしくおねがいします。

Depending on the context, saying きをつけてね in a letter can be quite appropriate.
Something like このごろ寒い日が続いているので、（体に）気をつけてね or（風邪をひかないように）気をつけてね.

 

[Elizabeth]

Depending on the context, saying きをつけてね in a letter can be quite appropriate.
Something like このごろ寒い日が続いているので、（体に）気をつけてね or（風邪をひかないように）気をつけてね.

OK, my friends seem to use it as a note of affection more randomly. But I understand the pen pal thing is a different setting entirely...

 

[Yuki no Shiwasu]

Phew! I think it is now complete! I've changed what you have suggested and I will now put it on the pen pal section thing (no point in posting it again, ne?). Thanks for your help! *gives cookies*

 

[Glenn]

By the way, "ramen" is ラーメン (らーめん, 拉麺).

 

[Elizabeth]

The one they serve on the plane as らめん I think is supposed to be a joke.