Help with business thank-you letter

[Jubinell]

Hello everybody,

I'm writing a handwritten business thank-you letter. My company just visited some businesses in Vietnam and they'd like to express their gratitude for the latter's time and energy. However there are some peculiarities:

1. The visited company is in Vietnam but it's a Japanese company investing there. They are NOT considered our clients I don't think since this was the first time we've met/talked with them.

2. The letter recipient is Japanese. However his business card is in English and his Japanese job title is not known. Also, the company name is only available in English. Is it OK to use his English title and the English company name (pulled from business card)?

3) There are other recipients. However they are from the same company/office in Vietnam and attended that same meeting. Is it OK/customary to include their names in the same letter in order of rank?

4) Any other pointers you can give with regards to style, wording, things to avoid, etc. I'm post-marking in mid December. Did I use the right seasonal greeting? Should I include the date of the meeting instead of 過日? etc.

Finally...the letter itself! Here it is! Everybody please give me your opinions. However due to the strict rules involved in Japanese business writing please state how well you know/how sure you are of your corrections/opinions. If you're not sure about something please say so because otherwise I might include your corrections

Vietnam something something，LTD.
□□ □□様、General Director
□□ □□様、Deputy General Director
□□ □□様、Technical Adviser

拝啓
ご歳末慣例の候、貴社におかれましてはますますご繁栄のこととお慶び申し上げます。

さて、過日の訪問に際しましては、貴重なお時間をいただき、まことにありがとうございました。具体的な業務内容についていろいろとお話を伺い、また、貴社の活気にあふれた雰囲気に触れることができました。

これをご縁に、何かございましたらまた参上いたしたいと存じますので、その節は、何とぞよろしくお願い申し上げます。

まずは、とりあえず書中をもってお礼申し上げます。
敬具

平成２０年１２月 １４日

株式会社my company
代表取締役所長 my president's name

Thank you so much everybody!

 

[undrentide]

If it is a letter addressed to Japanese business persons, I think it is good except minor errors.

2. The letter recipient is Japanese. However his business card is in English and his Japanese job title is not known. Also, the company name is only available in English. Is it OK to use his English title and the English company name (pulled from business card)?

Put the title first, then the name.
General Director □□ □□様、
Deputy General Director □□ □□様、
Technical Adviser □□ □□様、

If written fully in Japanese, for example, one write like this:

営業本部部長 山田太郎様営業本部副部長 山田太郎様
技術部主任 山田太郎様

(The above is NOT the translation of the titles you've listed, they are just random examples)

3) There are other recipients. However they are from the same company/office in Vietnam and attended that same meeting. Is it OK/customary to include their names in the same letter in order of rank?

I'm not exactly sure on this point.
I think it is common to address only one person in one letter.
I hope other members would give you better advice...

4) Any other pointers you can give with regards to style, wording, things to avoid, etc. I'm post-marking in mid December. Did I use the right seasonal greeting? Should I include the date of the meeting instead of 過日? etc.

窶ｰﾃ溪?愿ｺ is OK. You can replace it with the actual date, but it's quite common to use 窶ｰﾃ溪?愿ｺ in this kind of letter.

Finally...the letter itself! Here it is! Everybody please give me your opinions. However due to the strict rules involved in Japanese business writing please state how well you know/how sure you are of your corrections/opinions. If you're not sure about something please say so because otherwise I might include your corrections

ご歳末慣例の候、

I think this must be a mistake.
Normal greetings in December is 歳末の候.
Don't use ご as there's no need to pay respect to the season!
慣例 must be a typo, I guess you meant to write 寒冷.
寒冷の候 is another formal greetings for winter, but you should not combine two greetings into one.
Use either 歳末の候 or 寒冷の候.

まずは、とりあえず書中をもってお礼申し上げます。

とりあえず does not sound right to me here...
Typical expression is

まずは略儀ながら書中をもってお礼申し上げます。
(You can omit 略儀ながら but it sounds more formal/politer with it.)

平成２０年１２月 １４日

This year is 平成２１年, by the way.
西暦・和暦変換表

If you search on the net with "ビジネス文書 文例" as the key words, you'll find a lot of samples and templates.

 

[Jubinell]

Wow...thank you for the quick corrections. Everything makes sense and I'm going to implement them right away!

 

[Toritoribe]

If I were you, I would write like this.

平成２１年１２月１４日*1*2

Vietnam something something，LTD.
General Director □□ □□様*3

株式会社my company*2
代表取締役社長*4 my president's name

拝啓
時下*5ますますご清栄のこととお慶び申し上げます。
さて、過日の訪問に際しましては、貴重なお時間をいただき、まことにありがとうございました。*6
これをご縁に、何かございましたらまた参上いたしたいと存じますので、その節は、何とぞよろしくお願い申 し上げます。
まずは、とりあえず書中をもってお礼申し上げます。
敬具*2


*1
You can also use 2009年12月14日/12月吉日 for the date.

*2
It's common to justify the date, your company/president name, and 敬具 to the right.

*3
If you only know their English job titles and romaji names, there's no problem to use it. But, as undrentide-san pointed out, it's better to address only one person in one letter.

*4
President is 社長, not 所長.

*5
時下 can be used for all seasons.

*6
Probably you copied this from a template, but the line 具体的な業務内容についていろいろとお話を伺い、また、貴社の活気にあふれた雰囲気に触れることができました。 is the words for the thank you letter from a job applicant to the company. I recommend not to write this.

 

[Jubinell]

*6
Probably you copied this from a template, but the line 具体的な業務内容についていろいろとお話を伺い、また 、貴社の活気にあふれた雰囲気に触れることができまし た。 is the words for the thank you letter from a job applicant to the company. I recommend not to write this.

Yes precisely! However I wanted to say something along this line too. "We were able to understand your line of work and feel the ambiance at work at your company." Essentially the visit was to see what the companies are about, what they do, what are their daily problems and needs, and how we might be able to help with that.

How would you write something to express this? I don't want to get too detailed because for another company it might not be exactly so (for example, for company A there was a discussion of future cooperation, for company B it was strictly to visit and inspect), so a generic line works.

 

[Toritoribe]

Yes precisely! However I wanted to say something along this line too. "We were able to understand your line of work and feel the ambiance at work at your company." Essentially the visit was to see what the companies are about, what they do, what are their daily problems and needs, and how we might be able to help with that.
How would you write something to express this? I don't want to get too detailed because for another company it might not be exactly so (for example, for company A there was a discussion of future cooperation, for company B it was strictly to visit and inspect), so a generic line works.

Ah, I see. I assumed the letter was for general sales works. For your context, the line 具体的な業務内容についていろいろとお話を伺い、また 、貴社の活気にあふれた雰囲気に触れることができまし た。 exactly fits the purpose. You can use this.