Dating life for "old" esl teacher?

[NewHero]

32, White male, never married. Going to Japan to teach English. Average looking.

Hoping to date and have a committed relationship with a Japanese women while there (read: hoping to get finally married). This is not the reason I am going, but it is a "hope" if not a fantasy.

Questions for you:
-Is my age a big (or even small) problem?
-Will J-women find it weird that I am this age and not married?
-Considering my age and marital status, how will most J-women perceive me?
-In general, what is the age range of J-women who would consider having a "serious" relationship with me at my age?
-As far as finding a serious partner, would I be better off in a big city or a small rural town?
-Final question: How would you approach this if you were in my shoes?

Thanks.

 

[Glenski]

Good grief. 32 is young!

Average age for Japanese men to marry these days is 30-32.

Most J women will "receive you" as a foreigner. Some will fear you. Some will be enraptured by you. Some will fall somewhere in between. There is no "most".

What age range do you WANT to have a relationship with? My wife is ten years younger than me.

Partners come from rural or urban environments. How can you size up someone based on that? How are we supposed to give you any serious advice, especially not knowing a darned thing about you?

Approach? Work first. Be yourself. Don't SEARCH for a wife; you'll only look desperate. Make opportunities, but let life happen.

Did I mention learning to work first? I hope you put at least half the effort into your new job as you have into thinking about a woman. No offense, but I'm a teacher and really can't see woman hunters coming here and using their job as a means to an end.

Oh, and if you don't mind my asking, why are you fixated on marrying a Japanese woman? I love my wife because she is who she is inside and out, not because she is Japanese. That's far down the list.

 

[Emoni]

^ I'm with Glenski on this one. Good advice there.

 

[GodEmperorLeto]

^ I'm with Glenski on this one. Good advice there.

Same here, dude.

I've dated a Japanese girl in the states, and I'll tell you, be prepared for culture shock. Serious culture shock. They see relationships differently than Westerners. Not immensely so, but there are certain aspects that one group takes for granted in a relationship that the other doesn't and vice-versa. It's a learning experience.

Take into account, also, that if you have zero luck at home, your chances of finding a good woman don't improve just because you've moved to a new country. In fact, it might make things even more difficult. Some girls who are "enraptured" by a foreigner will be mostly interested in the fact that she's dating a blond white guy with blue or green eyes. You are exotic. They see foreigners on TV and in advertisements. You're an accessory. Heck, I've seen girls to this in America where blond guys fall from the sky.

Other girls will see you as a source of free English lessons.

Some girls will see you as an opportunity for sexual adventure.

Be careful. Don't get too caught up in something before you are certain, 100%, that she's what you want. Seek someone who, above all, is someone with whom you think you'd make a good team--just like you would back home.

Japanese girls can be as shallow, backstabbing, and treacherous as girls back home. They can also be as kind, gentle, loving as girls back home. They are, above all, individuals.

 

[Ashikaga]

I've dated a Japanese girl in the states, and I'll tell you, be prepared for culture shock. Serious culture shock. They see relationships differently than Westerners.

You have dated ONE Japanese girl, yet you go on to say "THEY see relation ships differently... ". Don't you think it is a bit premature for you to be "talking Japanese women"?

I talk good pizza, but I have had many deep meaningful relationships with many pizzas.

 

[NewHero]

Glenski,

What about the pressure J-women have to get married before 25? I heard they are called "old birthday cake" once they pass 25 and are still single. And I heard these same single women are called "losers" once they reach 30.

Does this mean that most available women will be below 25? Am I going to have a harder time finding single women closer to my age in Japan than in the USA?

(You did marry a woman 10 years your junior.)

Here in the U.S. I feel no pressure to get married and I don't worry what people think of my marital status. Heck some people consider me lucky! I have a lot of freedom to do things, like go to Japan.

From the stories I hear, I am worried that Japanese will think something is seriously wrong with me for not being married at my age. But perhaps they will think that of me for just being a foreigner, lol.

I am not fixated on J-women. It's just after so long studying the language, culture, etc, that it seems silly to go with anything else. Even other people tell me: "You know, you should just seek out a Japanese woman. Do yourself a favor." But who knows what will happen. I am open. Maybe I will find an American professor of Japanese studies and end up with her.

 

[Glenski]

You are out of touch with modern times. Xmas cake is not a very common term these days, and the average age for women to marry is about 27 now, I believe.

Pressure? Look up the word freeter and see how it applies to young people who choose to stay at home with their parents, and sponge off them as much as possible, while they opt not to take on full-time permanent jobs because they don't trust the system of "lifetime employment" anymore. It's fading. Many J women would rather stay single and enjoy their lives as individuals these days instead of getting tied down to a marriage, which usually results in loss of job especially when they have kids anyway.

The fact that my wife is 10 years younger means nothing about the age of availabile women I had chances to get to know. This one and I just hit it off best.

I find the following to be contradictory:

Here in the U.S. I feel no pressure to get married

As proof, look at your OP:

Hoping to date and have a committed relationship with a Japanese women

This, too:

I am not fixated on J-women. It's just after so long studying the language, culture, etc, that it seems silly to go with anything else.

Your friends (and perhaps even you) seem to have a stereotype of Japanese women. What do you think they are? Subservient drones walking 3 steps behind men and sporting 7 tongues to pleasure you whenever YOU want?

 

[NewHero]

Japanese men told me these things. Not Westerners! (Well, except for one Canadian). From what you are saying then, Japan is similar to the US, insofar as the age when people usually get married. I always thought they tended to get married at a younger age than most Westerners, because there is more social pressure to get married. Maybe I am thinking of China?

I don't why you think that I believe J-women are subservient or have 7 tongues! I am not fixated. I have never even dated a single Japanese. Just because I am going there and I think it would be romantic and I "hope" to settle down doesn't mean that I am obsessed. Jeez. Can't a guy dream?

 

[bammbamm&pebbles]

Japan or elsewhere in Asia Pacific or N America,most Asians ( both genders ) now marry late unlike last generation typically settled down in early 20's.

 

[Emoni]

You have dated ONE Japanese girl, yet you go on to say "THEY see relation ships differently... ". Don't you think it is a bit premature for you to be "talking Japanese women"?
I talk good pizza, but I have had many deep meaningful relationships with many pizzas.

Hey now... he was mostly talking in generalities and giving a fairly open personal comment from some experience. He obviously is aware of certain issues that "can" pop up in relationships that are "cross boarders" so to speak, more than someone who hasn't been through anything. I don't see anything inherently BAD about what he said, which pretty much seemed to be a cautious warning to not create a fantasy and to keep your eyes focused on finding someone realistic and right for oneself. No reason to jump on him. I happen to agree with a lot that was said.

 

[hanachan]

What about the pressure J-women have to get married before 25? I heard they are called "old birthday cake" once they pass 25 and are still single. And I heard these same single women are called "losers" once they reach 30.

Hey boys, it's very interesting topic. I was hiding and watching.
about me: I married at 32. "loser"? No, I was just a rich, single, working woman.
Age is not a matter. It's important whether you are enough mature as an adult person. My hubby? he's 3 years younger than I. But he is a good mentor in my life.

I think Glenski is the best here. He said very well.
GodEmperorLeto's consideration about Japanese women is very interesting. However, your sample is too short to conclude it.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

Just to add my two bits. My ex-wife married me at the age of 33. It was her first marriage.

The idea of Christmas Cake is somewhere in the consciousness of Japanese women, but I wouldn't take too much stock in it. It hasn't come up much as an issue.

However, I would like to bring up someothing that a female friend of mine told me once. She said that if she was still young (underder 25) she would consider getting involved with a foriegner, but she dowsn't have such courage now.

(sorry for typos. I've been drinking.)

 

[Mike Cash]

I am not fixated. I have never even dated a single Japanese. Just because I am going there and I think it would be romantic and I "hope" to settle down doesn't mean that I am obsessed. Jeez. Can't a guy dream?

Certainly.

But when you talk of women, a subject which we assume you know something about in general, and settling down in Japan, a country which we assume you don't know enough about to know if you'll even be able to stand it here much less want to "settle" here......then it just naturally appears that the draw is the women.

It's like saying, "Hey guys, I'm thinking of going to a place with chocolate cake and some unknown other thing." People will tend to think the chocolate cake is the attraction for you.

 

[Glenski]

You're not fixated but your goal in coming to Japan is not sightseeing, work, job hunting, or any other purpose but to find a woman of your dreams. Nope, not fixated. You don't seem to care about women as people, but as one nationality -- Japanese women. Nope, not fixated. Your opening post said this is not the reason you are coming here, but you have not explained/described anything else about why you are coming. Not fixated?

Your own words:

I am not fixated on J-women. It's just after so long studying the language, culture, etc, that it seems silly to go with anything else.

Gimme a break. Plenty of people know the language and culture yet don't feel any obligation to marry a Japanese person. Marry the woman, not a "J-woman".

Can't give you more advice or explanations about what people have told you, other than what I already have. Realize that even Japanese people may tell you some stereotypes based on what they think you want to hear, what they want to tell you (people are not always open to interracial/intercultural marriages), or where they were raised. Same holds in your own country, no? Deep South views vs. views from the North. Views from urban vs. rural environments. Etc.

Stats on China (what you could have found in 2 minutes of searching):
Chinese women waiting longer to marry
Chinese women have been delaying wedlock over the past decade and the average age for a woman to marry is now 24, a research report has found.

Since 1990, Chinese women have married between at 21.9 to 22.8 years old and the age was 22.6 in 2000
Urban Chinese waiting to marry

Japan
http://www.nationmaster.com/country/ja-japan/peo-people

USA
http://www.nationmaster.com/country/us-united-states/peo-people
(Younger than Japanese.)

 

[NewHero]

Your opening post said this is not the reason you are coming here, but you have not explained/described anything else about why you are coming. Not fixated?

Maybe I wasn't thinking about explaining it. But I will remember you and make sure that I do more explaining in the future, since I don't want others to think that I don't care for women as human beings and that I believe Japanese women have 7 tongues and are subservient. Thanks.

 

[Glenski]

NewHero,
I'm not here to make enemies. I hope you truly understand the value of explaining certain things, especially such an important one as involved in this topic, if not other things that you may end up explaining in your English classes.

Would you mind if I asked you to explain (here publicly or privately by PM) just why you feel so strongly about your hopes for a relationship with Japanese women, or to put it in your words, why it "seems silly to go with anything else"? Just curious.