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Asking a Japanese woman out on a date.

Joe_West454

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Hello everyone reading this. I am from the United States, and am currently on a study abroad trip in Tokyo, Japan. I have a question on asking a woman out in Japan, she is Japanese by the way. So... the backstory is as follows... I met this woman about a week and a half ago at my University. It turns out we both spoke German, and both have the same major. Anywho, we met up last week in the lobby of the dormitory quad we both reside at, and spent about an hour speaking German. Turns out we have plenty in common. I would like to formally ask her out, a "kokuhaku" as they call it. Is anyone here, willing or able to help me out on this end? If it helps we currently communicate through Facebook Messenger. Lastly, she has been to Europe on a study abroad, and is pretty international I would say, if that helps out all. Thank you!
 

Lothor

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Find some German themed venue in Tokyo, such as a bar or restaurant, and ask her if she'd like to go along with you. No need for this kokuhaku nonsense, which occurs far more often in TV dramas and films than in real life. Good luck!
 

Mike Cash

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I would like to formally ask her out, a "kokuhaku" as they call it.


Just ask her out....

I made it through dating, getting married, and raising two kids to adulthood with a Japanese woman and never did a kokuhaku. Come to think of it, I don't recall anything that you would really consider asking her out on a date either.
 
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Joe_West454

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I guess I should clarify a bit more. I am mostly concerned with any cultural nuances that I should be aware of.
 

Mike Cash

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I guess I should clarify a bit more. I am mostly concerned with any cultural nuances that I should be aware of.

The standard stuff. No broccoli stuck in your teeth. Fly zipped up. Hair combed. That kind of thing.

You need not suffer anxiety over the fact she's a Japanese girl. Forget every Japanese cartoon you've ever watched.
 

Joe_West454

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That makes me feel much better about the whole thing. I have another meetup to speak German with her next Wednesday, so I will definetly ask her out then. Also, how would a button down shirt, dress pants, and shoes, work? Is that overdoing it?
 

Mike Cash

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I have another meetup to speak German with her next Wednesday

See there? You already have a date and you didn't even know it.

Here's what you do:

When it comes time to cross a street together, you say (in whatever language you think best) "This is a dangerous intersection..." and take her by the hand and lead her across. At the other side, you wait for her to let go. If she doesn't, congratulations... you two are a couple. If she does, you have some more work to do.
 

Joe_West454

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The meeting will be within the same dormitory hall that we live in. If we decide to grab a bite to eat afterwards, then I will definetly try that move,
 
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Mike Cash

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The ,wetting will be within the same dormitory hall that we live in. If we decide to grab a bite to eat afterwards, then I will definetly try that move,

It's a little early to be wetting her, don't you think?
 

Joe_West454

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Pardon me, I meant to type meeting. I think my autocorrect messed me up on that one.
 

Joe_West454

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No problem! Also, I am shaky with kanji as an FYI. Google translate cleared it up though.
 

thomas

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See there? You already have a date and you didn't even know it.

Here's what you do:

When it comes time to cross a street together, you say (in whatever language you think best) "This is a dangerous intersection..." and take her by the hand and lead her across. At the other side, you wait for her to let go. If she doesn't, congratulations... you two are a couple. If she does, you have some more work to do.

Aka Cash Manoeuver, a classic!
 

Mike Cash

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Not at all. It is just that at this early stage of their courtship a young lady of refined and genteel upbringing will tend to any necessary wetting on her own and will in fact consider insulting any unsolicited peremptory wetting attempts on the part of an eager suitor. The blossom of budding romance is a tender, delicate thing and easily crushed. One must tread love's path lightly lest one inadvertently give cause for offense.

 

OoTmaster

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I don't get this whole "Japanese dating is so hard" thing. Everyone seems to think there's some special formula that will always work with Japanese people. Like they're somehow not individuals with their own thoughts/feelings/prejudices. Dating is all about communication and understanding. If you're not sure how to ask this person on a date maybe you don't know them well enough and should start by just spending time with them no strings attached.
 

Joe_West454

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It is not so much that I do not know how to ask a girl out. It is more of the fact that I do not know all of the cultural norms associated with dating a Japanese person, or asking J-Girl out. For example holding hands while walking is considered okay for American Women, but not for every Japanese women. It is stiff like that, that i am stressing over.
 

Glenski

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No offense, but you are overthinking this. You've already spoken to her, and you have a limited time. Ask for a nonthreatening date (coffee, lunch, whatever), and let things go from there. Be yourself. You already seem to have the good sense to want to be considerate. Good. Stay that way and enjoy whatever the two of you do. It's not rocket science.
 

Joe_West454

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Thank you for the reassurance! I really have just been out of the game for a while, that's all. Thank you for the kind words Glenski. I will do just that, and ask her out for lunch, coffee, etc.
 

mdchachi

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It is not so much that I do not know how to ask a girl out. It is more of the fact that I do not know all of the cultural norms associated with dating a Japanese person, or asking J-Girl out. For example holding hands while walking is considered okay for American Women, but not for every Japanese women. It is stiff like that, that i am stressing over.
I never even heard of a kokuhaku until I started reading these forums. It's been a long, long time since I've dated but I don't recall many cultural differences specific to "dating." Start with hanging out and see what comes naturally, taking cues from her. Maybe be prepared to ask her to some event or venue. Or for coffee, ice cream or anmitsu or something. I think in Japan women are generally more likely to ask guys out. If she refuses your overtures and never asks you to go anywhere or get together then it's a big clue she's not interested.

You have me a little worried with talk about dressing up and trying to make a move to hold her hand at your second meeting. Yes, look good but dress your age and in the manner appropriate to the circumstance.

Oh, and if I recall correctly, in Japan on dates women generally expect to pay their share. I think I usually followed the American way and paid or they paid only some token amount and I paid the rest. Again, follow her lead.
 

Joe_West454

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To be fair, the minimum I wear on a regular basis is a polo with Khaki shorts. Typically, I wear a button down shirt, dress pants, dress shoes, neck tie, or bow tie, and either suspenders or a belt. I almost never wear t-shirts, and jeans. In all honesty, I do not see a need to be worried on that end. This is just normal wear, and not extra for me. Also since she has studied abroad in Europe, I feel she may be open to the holding hands thing, but I may take your suggestion on that end.
 

Joe_West454

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Hey all! So... First and foremost, I wanted to thank all of you for the help! I will definetly let you guys know how it goes. I do have one more question though. So... my plan is to ask her out as we conclude our German Conversation meet-up. That way I can hopefully learn a bit more about her, and similar. What I plan to say is " I like you a lot, and want to get to know you more, would you care to go on a date with me?" Does that sound alright to you guys, or should I just say will you go out with me?
 
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