You moving/moved to Japan - How did your family&friends react?

Chipi · 3 Feb 2006

I'm not sure if this is such of a big issue to everyone, but I have been struggling with this for a couple of years allready.. and now I'm preparing for the bigger bomb.

As some of you may allready now, I have been in Japan for two times now, for short working periods (+3months and 6 weeks). For my family and friends it was sort of a shock to hear me going there, even for such a short time. At first they didn't even believe that I would actually go. But I did.

I'm now in a point of life where I really have to plan and think about my future. My heart is telling me (more like demanding), that I really should try to go back to Japan, and that is what I want to do. Not for a couple of months, but for years. (I'm not going to explain all work-related things here now) I am having a huge stress about telling about these plans to my family, especially to my mom. OK, I'm a grown up woman, but it's still going to break her heart - she is going to feel as if I'd leave her alone, abandone her.
It's surprisingly difficult to do that.

My friends are ok with it. They're sad but they understand and support me, saying I have to do what I feel I have to do.

I'd just like to hear stories from other people, how did your families react when you said you're going to move to another country far,far away? How did you cope with that? Did everything go well in the end, would you do something differently, etc? How long did the process take for everyone to accept the situation?
Has your living in another country brought you closer to eachother on an emotional level, or is the distance bigger not only in km/miles but also emotionally?

misa.j · 5 Feb 2006

Hi Chipi! Nice to see you again.
I was in a same spot as you are right now, seven years ago when I was trying to tell my parents that I was moving to the US from Japan. It was very hard for me to tell them because I knew they would not support the idea, especially my father. So, I know how you feel.

Chipi said:
OK, Iｴm a grown up woman, but itｴs still going to break her heart - she is going to feel as if Iｴd leave her alone, abandone her.

That was exactly what my parents said that I was doing. They couldn't comprehend why I liked the US so much that I had to move there because they never had any experiences even similar to that.
I did things gradually to help them understand how determind I was with the talk and letter.
They kind of gave up at the end and have been very supportive now.

ullvarg · 5 Feb 2006

I'm not there yet but will be there in about 2 months and my friends just thought it was cool when I told them. My parents they had to ordeal the same thing a couple of years ago when my sister moved to New york so they were kind of cool about it too. My mom still thinks that ill be moving back to Sweden and settle down with a villa and a Volvo for life, she can't grasp the thought of me moving from Sweden for good just to come back for temporary visits. And my father haven't really said anything about that part, but he thinks it's cool that i'm going, when he was young he dreamed about moving to Japan to practice Karate but he never dared to take the leap.

P.S. I should mention that I'm not saying that I will live in Japan for the rest of my life, maby I will maby I wont, I'm just saying I wont move back to Sweden.

Best of luck to you Chipi

xerxes99 · 5 Feb 2006

My family and friends were completely supportive. Obviously they miss me, but they all knew this was something that I felt I needed to do. My mom never once made me feel like I was abandoning her (My dad passed away a few years ago), allthough I did feel a bit guilty about going for that reason.

Pachipro · 6 Feb 2006

Chipi said:
I'm now in a point of life where I really have to plan and think about my future. My heart is telling me (more like demanding), that I really should try to go back to Japan, and that is what I want to do. Not for a couple of months, but for years. (I'm not going to explain all work-related things here now) I am having a huge stress about telling about these plans to my family, especially to my mom. OK, I'm a grown up woman, but it's still going to break her heart - she is going to feel as if I'd leave her alone, abandone her.
It's surprisingly difficult to do that.

I understand where you are coming from as I had the same feelings when I first returned to the states in'81, for which I thought would be forever, when I graduated university. However, the homesickness I felt for Japan and the yearning to go back kept tugging at me until I gave in and returned for another six years after only about a year later. I guess I had what could be called "reverse culture shock".

I was not married at the time and my family could not completely understand why I desired to return to a foreign country, especially an Asian one, but they didn't try and prevent me from going back. Even if they did, I was going back regardless of what anyone said as it was my life and my desire. As long as there were other siblings there who could care for my parents if they fell ill, I was going back. And I did and I never regretted it for one second and was glad I followed my heart and did what I felt was right for me at the time. Even today I feel it was the right move.

Chipi, if you are not an only child, I would say follow what your heart is telling you, for, if you don't, you may just live to regret it for the rest of your life and will always be saying to yourself, "What if..." If you are an only child then you have to consider who would care for your parents in their old age.

Sure your parents may be sad and not understand the reasons you have as misa j.'s parents felt, but they should support you and your decisions. My wife's parents also felt as misa j.'s parents, especially my wife's father. He was totally against it as she was an only child, but he let her do what she felt she must do. However, we became the best of friends in the end.

I would say that, in the end, the decision is yours as most family members will probably be against it anyway as they are just concerned about your safety and welfare. But do not let them convince you not to go if returning to Japan is what your heart is telling you to do.

misa.j · 6 Feb 2006

Pachipro said:
I would say that, in the end, the decision is yours as most family members will probably be against it anyway as they are just concerned about your safety and welfare.

I agree, and they will stay concerned while they eventually accept and support your decision, so it's crucial to have as much communication as you can and let them know how your life is going to be.

The more informed they are, the better they feel.

epigene · 6 Feb 2006

I have nothing to add to the advice other posters are giving you--let your heart dictate where you go. Your family will accept and embrace it in the end, as long as you are doing well.

Just make sure that you buy them and for yourself personal computers and Web cameras for close communication. It is a great way for your folks to see you are happy and well.

Actually, I recommend getting Macs and iChat gear. It works tremendously well.

Just my two yen!!

Hiroyuki Nagashima · 6 Feb 2006

I cannot do advice to be good for you.
Consult with this man.
He is the Diet member of Japan born in Finland.
I think that he does advice to be good for you.

(Tsurunen Marutei)
http://homepage2.nifty.com/yugatsuru/plofile/e_top.html

Hachiro · 6 Feb 2006

I know that my situation is different from yours as I am married to a Japanese woman, but I would like to share my thoughts with you.

I come from a rather close knit family, 8 brothers and sisters, me being the youngest. My father is dead and has been for nearly 20 years, and the rest of the family lives with in 15 minutes of my mother. My Mom is 85 yrs old and I have not been living near her or the rest of my family for over 20 years. I first came to Japan in 1984 went back to the states for a little over 2 years then moved back here. My family was very sorry to see me go, but understood that I had to make a choice between living in the USA with my family there or here in Japan with my wife's family. We choose here, I spent nearly 13 years here without going home even once and it was very difficult. Back then there was no internet to communicate with and all coorespondence was with snail mail or telephone calls, which were expensive as heck.

Things have changed dramatically since then, now with the internet I see more of my family using video conferencing than if I was there with them, and that says a lot. I "see" them and talk to them family to family, as I have 3 kids as well, on a nearly weekly basis. My brothers and sisters as well as my mom all have access to the internet and chat often. So what I am trying to say is even if you are half a world away you can still stay in contact now a days than ever before. You can see your family and talk with them, I know it isn't the same as being there, but at least you can, and they as well, have the peace of mind that you can communicate with each other without it costing an arm and a leg.

I am not going to lie to you and say that I am always sure that I made the right choice, it hurts sometimes not to be there, for birthdays or special occasions but being able to stay in contact helps a lot. I hope things go well for you.

gaijinalways · 6 Feb 2006

Should I go or should I stay?

You should do what is best for you, whichever that is. Give it a try, make contact as often as you can (e-mail, phone calls, etc.), and try to visit where your family is when you can (vacations back home can be fun!).

Chipi · 15 Feb 2006

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your deeply thoughtful answers. It´s helping me so much.

I just came back from New York, from a holiday, and for a moment there I felt I could live even there too (I did fell in love with the city).. but now that I´ve been in my own country for a couple of days, I have to say Japan is still calling me the strongest. Like Ullvarg said he´s not going to move back to Sweden, I know I can´t live my life in Finland..I just can´t picture that.Aat least not yet. Maybe on my elderly times.

I sent an email also to my boss about this and he´s also welcoming me.. so it seems to be I just have to make a decision and start working for it. Well, I won´t be moving until the end of the year anyways, but time does always fly, doesn´t it..

But, thank you guys once again, so much. And Happy Valentine´s Day! <3

Yokan · 17 Feb 2006

Hope you had a Happy Valentines day! I think my mum wouldn't mind me going to Japan, and neither will my brothers. My mum is happy with my decision to be an english teacher in japan. Can't wait to go! which will be by the time i'm 22...

Harvey · 25 Feb 2006

You should go for sure, otherwise you'll regret it.

In my case, I had been studying Japanese for 8 yrs (high school and college) before coming, so -everyone- knew it was coming. I guess it didn't surprise many people. I think my mom is probably surprised that I have been here for so long now... but otherwise. All is cool.

After college anyway, most of my friends went their own ways as well. NY, California, Europe, everyone scattered anyway, and Japan, just like the other locations, is just a postcard away!

Kara_Nari · 26 Feb 2006

Definately do it.... who knows maybe things wont work out, and you could be back in a year or so, im hoping that they do work out for you though of course.
Im living in Korea at the moment, my mother was totally for me moving overseas, initially she was pushing for me to move to Europe, but my heart was in Asia. When things got tough in Korea, she was pushing for me to go to Japan, but im happy again now. I totally know what you mean about being pulled towards Japan, I would love to live there, but its just too damned expensive for me, who doesnt want to teach english.
Nice and close though for when I need a good dose of Japan.
Do everything for yourself, even though it might seem selfish, im sure your mother would want you to be happy deep down.

SortOf · 28 Feb 2006

I dont think I could ever logically "move" to Japan, I plan on maybe taking extended vacations there once I learn the language better. My main reason for learning the language has to mainly with anime, manga and video games not that I don't like Japanese culture, but I wouldn't fit in. Im lazy, and completely lack basic worth ethic... Slackers dont tend to make it in Japan like they do the states, so if I did move there I would royally screw myself and probably wind up as a bum.

Also the fact that im pure blonde headed, blue eyed, almost full blooded german (ethnicity wise) I would stick out like a sore thumb.

Pachipro · 1 Mar 2006

SortOf said:
Also the fact that im pure blonde headed, blue eyed, almost full blooded german (ethnicity wise) I would stick out like a sore thumb.

And Japanese women would be throwing themselves at your feet! What is so bad about that?

tokyoracer47 · 21 Mar 2006

I've also thought about moving to Japan after college. My parents actually don't seem to have a problem with this, and encourage it! I think they want to get away from me for a while, lol.

Harvey · 23 Mar 2006

I'm thinking about moving to China...

Davey · 13 Apr 2006

First time I see this thread.

I am leaving to Japan in 2 months from now, but my family already knows about it for 2 years or something. They find it difficult of course, and especially about the fact that they can not drop by like that, but that I will live on the other side of the world.

My mom is trying to see it positive, we can see each other on the webcam, and she knows how I am having contact with my wife * she is Japanese in lives in Japan. calling is cheap, etc. And one of the most positive things of all, is that every time we will see each other again, or talk to each other again, the contact we will have is much deeper than when we life together.,

One of the things with family is also that it is your family, not your friends, or girl, so you know you will never lose them, family is family!

About friends, I don't have that many friends in here actually, mainly because I have been travelling a couple of years ago, and have had many different jobs, and tried to prepare for leaving towards Japan. So yeah, most of the friends that I have, are living in another country, or I know them on the I-net.

Some of my best friends I know, I met them on the I-net. because I don't have time, nor can make effort for friends in my real surrounding.

jieshi · 13 Apr 2006

When I went on exchange half of my relatives were ready to disown me for going on exchange before finishing school. My grandmother was trying to bribe me to stay in Australia (something about an all expenses paid trip to Italy.... it was never going to happen!!) and the general reaction was "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???"

It was a fantastic choice to make and all my family accepted it when they saw I was definite on going.

Tollen · 14 Apr 2006

hopefully i'll be going to okayama as a part of a uni course in a cupla year and my family support me as i'l be doing something i really wanna with my life... but its just me n my mum at my house and i worry about leaving here alone... do you think its right to put my own wants/plans before my mum? I really wanna go despite leaving my mum alone but since my dad died i've really rethought it all... do you think going is the right thing to do or not?

Kara_Nari · 14 Apr 2006

Harvey! Move to China!
I loved China, there is so much old and interesting mixed up with the new and exciting modern world. However I only went to Shanghai... but I could see myself living there definately. Pity I cant speak Chinese though.

You moving/moved to Japan - How did your family&friends react?

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