Unrequited...

[Revenant]

Anyone else gone out with someone they can't forget, even after breaking up. It's been 5 months since we broke up, and I cannot forget her. I know that under my circumstances a relationship isn't possible, but still I can't forget her, and I'm just not terribly interested in any other chick, I mean I can think a chick is incredibly cute or sexy, buy I wouldn't be able to get into an actual relationship with any of them (even with the couple of chicks I know are interested in me). Advice?

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

My advice? Live it up.

I would love to have a "couple of chicks I know are interested in me." Heck, you only live once.

I know you'll probably say that you're not that kind of guy, but I'm not saying you should do anything immoral. Just start dating one of the other "chicks". Who knows? You might enjoy it more than you think. Both of your "chicks" know about your divorce, right? If so, I say go for the gold!

 

[Tsuyoiko]

I agree with Mikawa. Keeping busy is always the best thing when your mind is occupied with something you'd rather not be thinking about. Don't give yourself time to think about her and I bet you'll soon get over her.

 

[Grandpa Frank]

Some you never get over !

It's been 37 years and I still miss my Japanese girlfriend Yoshiko. Some are so special, you never forget those special moments.

Uncle Frank

 

[nice gaijin]

you're on the rebound. Don't worry so much about getting into another relationship, get comfortable with yourself. Play around a little bit if it makes you feel better

And also, don't worry so much about "forgetting." This person was a part of your life. You should cherish the memories you had, but also realize that you can only live in the present.

 

[Kinsao]

If you don't feel 'over' something yet, you can't make yourself feel that way. Don't rush to get into another relationship yet if you're not interested; it's not fair on the other person. I advise to spend a lot of time doing things that you enjoy, either on your own or with friends, and things where you are meeting people. Just keep yourself occupied so you don't stick in the metaphorical misery mud. 'Moving on' is something that happens at its own pace.

nice_gaijin gives good advice - it's not about forgetting someone; on the contrary you should remember! It's more about healing from pain and getting a sense of where you are and need to be in life.

I always thought, "If s/he was 'the one', then it would have worked out" - people come into our lives for a reason, we have good times, we learn from each other and our relationships, and it was meant to be that way... happiness will come to you again, that's for sure. *hug*

 

[Annubis]

Love is forever

Revenant...

I have learned that love is forever. If you loved this girl, then don't fool yourself in thinking that the love will no longer exist. You may be distracted and not have that memory in mind, but the moment you think back, you will have that pang in your chest. The key is not to turn negative emotions toward your experience of love. The key is to turn it into acceptance and joy.

I always asked myself why... why... why... but it's useless. That is just the way it is. It's like seeing the sun dip below the horizon. It's gone... but it will come again. Perhaps in a different sky.

I am one of the busiest people I know... I wake up at 5am every morning, do yoga and go to Aikido classes, then Japanese classes, then an hour's nap and then work untill 10pm and sleep and wake again... and no matter how busy I make myself... when I'm on the train playing a DS video game or reading a book as I travel... there is always a face or a voice or something that eventually makes me remember.

There is no escaping love. It just is. Time tells all and heals all because we learn and we learn how to transform ourselves and our emotions, so that our world can become more beautiful every day.

Actually... I've stopped being so busy recently... it makes me sick... not eating enough and not sleeping enough...

so my advice is to accept and continue loving yourself and others. Even the sky.

Amen

 

[Damicci]

There are unrequittd and then there those chances you wish you had taken. Happens to everyone but eventually you have to move on. Good Luck.

*Returns to being MIA*

 

[Revenant]

My advice? Live it up.
I would love to have a "couple of chicks I know are interested in me." Heck, you only live once.
I know you'll probably say that you're not that kind of guy, but I'm not saying you should do anything immoral. Just start dating one of the other "chicks". Who knows? You might enjoy it more than you think. Both of your "chicks" know about your divorce, right? If so, I say go for the gold!

I'm not divorced yet, and won't be for at least another year (we're attempting to exchange greencards first). We live seperately, but I know my ex would oppose my going out with any chick. She is terrified of gossip, and I think she'd see it as unfair that I was free to date (she didn't feel that way while she had an intense interest, but any interests ofmine would be seen as frivolous for some reason, since I don't have to consider my son's future quite so much, I mean if she married an Aussie it might mean she'd have to move to Australia, but I'd be with a Japanese in Japan where I have to stay anyways. I guess she 'd like to blame me with the divorce as well and punish me for that). All in all, were she to feel she needed the money, she might justify in her mind taking me to court for having an affair, and see that as justice done. Even if I were interested in another chick, I know it probably wouldn't be a good idea to try and make anything happen. It's a lonely time here, with no friends or family, and no potential girlfriends, but that's just the way it is, and one day things will look a lot brighter.

 

[SushiShin]

Hey dude listen up if there is a Japanese woman/girl falling in love with you I would say to you this and this come from the bottom of my heart:

Live your life, life is too short to hesitate, what's done is done, history can repeat but you cannot go back into the history.Would you believe me if I say that in Belgium are very very but really very few Japanese girls (around my age that is) and that I rather like a Japanese girl then an European girl? I was so desperate that I was really hunting for a japanese girl, and now I found one. I'm very happy and I'm very glad to meet her, although she isn't 100% nihonjin (she is 50% Cantonese (Hong Kong Chinese) 25% Korean 25% Japanese)

A wise advice would be: never give up and continue with living

 

[nice gaijin]

I find it disturbing that you would choose your mate based on their ethnicity.

 

[Azuma_Fujin]

I agree with Mikawa. Keeping busy is always the best thing when your mind is occupied with something you'd rather not be thinking about

Yes, but if you keep busy with someone else and she doesn't know you're doing it because you don't want to think about someone else, isn't that just using the poor girl? I wouldn't want to go out with someone who was just using me to get their mind off someone else? That's kind of selfish and wrong, not to mention cruel. Who wants to be second fiddle? Not me.

 

[Ashikaga]

Yes, but if you keep busy with someone else and she doesn't know you're doing it because you don't want to think about someone else, isn't that just using the poor girl? I wouldn't want to go out with someone who was just using me to get their mind off someone else? That's kind of selfish and wrong, not to mention cruel. Who wants to be second fiddle? Not me.

I totally agree. I have been on both ends of such relationships and they were never pleasant. I think what people are suggesting here, though, is just to go out and have fun, not get involved in serious relationships. I don't think there is any harm in going for a drink or just hanging out with someone whose company you enjoy. However, As Azuma_Fujin wrote, it could get sticky. Are two people ever 100% sure what the others' feelings/expectations are in any of these "innocent get togethers"?

So, what am I suggesting? I don't know...lol All I can say is "Hang in there! It WILL pass eventually.". If you feel like talking about it, asking for advices or just feeling sorry for yourself, there are always forums like this one where everyone (myself included) wants to stick his/her neck into someone's personal life.

 

[Annubis]

Ok... what next

It seems to me you are very aware of the pros and cons... now.. it's only the question of how to survive loneliness.

So... My advice is stay busy doing things you love to do.. think back on your past and when you were younger. what kinda things did you like to do?

What makes you laugh. Surround yourself with those things... and you can get through anything.

Breath and smile... if you smile, others around will too... even if it's a fake smile... the effect, eventually, is psycho sematic.

wake up early and go to the water to watch the morning come to life with all of it's grandure. go for a walk and watch sunsets. Be alive and cherish the earth and it's gifts. Let the earth be your girlfriend and companion.

 

[dreamer]

Also, do you really need to be that direct with your current wife? I mean that there's no need telling her every single action you do, is there?
Many people were surprised when they learned that almost 60% of japanese ladies between 25 and 29 are unmarried, and thing are not much better for men either.

 

[Mikawa Ossan]

After having read your explication on your situation, I take back my previous advice.

If your divorce is not yet finalized, don't even LOOK at another woman. Don't give your wife the slightest bit of an excuse to take you to court. It's sad and lonely, but at least you have your son. I don't even have that...(plus most people think that I'm still married, so dating has been difficult here, too.)

As far as I am concerned, your wife is your mortal enemy at this point. Since you know that you will get divorced anyway, she has nothing to lose but a lot to gain by taking you to court. If you have proof that she ever cheated on you, you might want to keep that as leverage over her until it's finalized. If it looks like she might try to take you to court, beat her to the punch. If you can get her to be at fault for your divorce, it beats the hell out of the opposite case.

Just for members who don't know my backstory, I recently got divorced after a short marriage, and one of my brothers also has gotten divorced about a year ago. Divorces are nasty business.