Poem

[nemesae]

I wrote a poem in Japanese, but since I've concentrated more on reading Japanese than writing it, I don't know if the grammar is correct. Could someone check for any errors?

化け物手に抱き締められる
囁きを聞きって残響じゃないのわ
君だけ 君だけ
不在を悼んだ

 

[epigene]

Konnichiwa, nemesae-san!

It would help me and other members of the forum in assisting you if you post the English translation of the poem, too.

 

[nemesae]

Konnichiwa, nemesae-san!

It would help me and other members of the forum in assisting you if you post the English translation of the poem, too.

Sorry ^^;;

Embraced by ghost hands
Hearing whispers without echoes (I strived for 'hearing whispers yet the echoes are gone' but I couldn't make that =_=)
Only you, only you
I mourned for your absence

I know it's a crappy poem -_- it's the first I made in Japanese, so I really hope it's not that bad in grammar and sentence construction. But the English version looks even crappier ^^;

 

[epigene]

nemesae-san, I admire your effort. Poem writing is not an easy task, even in your own native language, and you tried it with a foreign language!

I'm not much of a writer, so please excuse my Japanese! There is much room for improvement (especially in terms of connection between lines).

化け物手に抱き締められる→亡霊（ぼうれい）の腕（うで）に抱（いだ）かれ
(化け物 is ghost but closer to a monster.)
囁きを聞きって残響じゃないのわｰ>こだましない囁きが聞こえる
君だけ 君だけ→ＯＫ
不在を悼んだ→君（きみ）を偲ぶ
(I omitted "absence" because the word 偲ぶ already suggests absence (by death or distance.)

 

[nemesae]

nemesae-san, I admire your effort. Poem writing is not an easy task, even in your own native language, and you tried it with a foreign language!

I'm not much of a writer, so please excuse my Japanese! There is much room for improvement (especially in terms of connection between lines).

化け物手に抱き締められる→亡霊（ぼうれい）の腕（うで）に抱（いだ）かれ
(化け物 is ghost but closer to a monster.)
囁きを聞きって残響じゃないのわｰ>こだましない囁きが聞こえる
君だけ 君だけ→ＯＫ
不在を悼んだ→君（きみ）を偲ぶ
(I omitted "absence" because the word 偲ぶ already suggests absence (by death or distance.)

Thank you so much! But I'm having trouble reading the こだましない... what does it mean? And the suffix in 抱かれ ... or is it no suffix? *confused*

 

[CorDarei]

Thank you so much! But I'm having trouble reading the こだましない... what does it mean? And the suffix in 抱かれ ... or is it no suffix? *confused*

こだま means "echo", so こだましない means "makes no echo" (loosely, anyway). 抱かれる is the passive of 抱く which means "to embrace"; 抱かれる means "to be embraced." Leaving the る out makes it a connective, like the -te form