My first translation.

Hello everybody, I recently finished my first translation, it's a manga. I know some grammar but I'm still just a begginer and there were even some senteces that I just couldn't translate. I would like to get some feedback from you all. Thanks in advance, here're some ramdom sentences:
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どうしたの？
What's wrong?
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うひょひょ
Uhiohio
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そうだね
That's right
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見られたにからにはただでは帰せないねぇ
Now, because you watched, you won't go 'til we'll get revenge.
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ギャルゲーとはおさらばじゃ
And I'll say good bye to dating games
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さあ ときメモる
Come, time to classes
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あぼくトイレ
Yes, I'm going to the bathroom first
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え？いや。。。ボクなにも見てません！
What!? No… I didn't see anything.
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今年こそは彼女を作って
This year I'll get a girlfriend for sure
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きゃやだあ
Kyaaa, stop it.
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いやん
How unpleasant
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ここはおおきい女のコたちがいっぱいな世界なのです
It's safe to say that here is the child of the largest woman of the whole
world
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あんたは一年だから知らないでしょうけどココはあなしらの喫煙所なの
You're a first grade student, so it seems that you don't know but, here is my smoking area.
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なかなかいいりんごもってるじゃない村上龍
You have a very nice apple Murakami Ryu.
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え？
Eh!?
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じゃん
Isn't it
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どーしたの近頃元気なくない
People doesn't try hard now days
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おおい村上はいるか
Hey Murakami, come here
Correction： Hey! Is Murakami here?
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おそい
It's late
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村上ったらワカバのいうことならなんでもきくんだよ
Murakami does what I ask
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オナっても
Onanism
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我々人間は甲状腺ホルモンのバランスが
our human thyroid hormone balance collapse points out the existences of abnormal growth
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ここはすべてのバランスがずれた恐るべき世界なのです
Here, everybody's balance collapsed, It's safe to say that this is a horrible world

WilliamsBlack said:

なかなかいいりんごもってるじゃない村上
You don't have a very nice apple Murakami Ryu.

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This actually has the opposite meaning. (And there's no "Ryu" there).

おおい村上はいるか
Hey Murakami, come here

Click to expand...

It may be easier to understand if we change it to something more textbookish: おおい！村上はいますか？

オナっても
???

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Verb created from the term オナニー (Onanism)

我マ人間は甲状腺ホルモンのバランスが
our human thyroid hormone valance collapse points out the existences of abnormal growth
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ここはすべてのバランスがずれた恐るべき世界なのです
Here, everybody's valance collapsed, It's safe to say that this is a horrible world

Click to expand...

"Balance"....not "valance".

Probably the original sentences would be like this...


どうしたの？

見られたからにはただでは帰せないねぇ

ギャルゲーとはおさらばじゃ

あ、ぼくトイレ

ここはおおきい女のコたちがいっぱいな世界なのです

あんたは一年だから知らないでしょうけどココはあたしらの喫煙所なの

どーしたの近頃元気なくない

我々人間は甲状腺ホルモンのバランスが

Thanks for the tips and corrections, I updated the original post.

Any other mistake?

Yes, there are others. I didn't attempt to cover them all.

Ha, I didn't think I have that many mistakes. Thank you Mike Cash and Toritoribe, you've been really helpful.