Know any good jokes?

Have any of you non-native Japanese speakers been able to successfully tell a Japanese person a joke?

My joke-telling skills are terrible, even in English, but my complete failure to illicit even the slightest titter from my Japanese friends baffles me.

What tickles the Japanese funny bone?

Actually, I have made Japanese people laugh by relating true stories (such as my chick pea story or through making mistakes in Japanese. Sometimes, even saying otsukaresama or ordering shouchou seems to get some of my friends rolling around in mirth.

But when I actually try to tell a joke, a deathly hush descends, the lights seem to dim, a cold eerie wind picks up, and the only things rolling around are tumbleweeds.

So, if you know any good jokes in Japanese, or even English jokes that translate well, please post them here!

I don't know any jokes for Japanese people, but I do knoe some 'Yo Momma' jokes. Some are too vulgar to post on the forum.

Here goes a clean one: Yo momma so fat, when she fells off the bed, she fells off both sides.

Mauricio

maushan3-san, that's a funny one worth a few chuckle from us, even the squarest one like me. (I'm a japanese)
I think replacing 'Yo momma' part by "my friend's momma" might help us japanese appreciate the yo momma joke better and it might get quicker responses from the gallery here in general.

Taiko666-san, do you know Bobby Ologun? His 'playing innocent' and clever(?)lines with Japanese rhyme(?) always makes my wife and my teenage daughter explode with laughter.
Although his is fun, be careful when actually using puns yourself here in Japan.
Because many young japanese people, especially girls, tend to think da-jare (japanese puns) aren't so cool so you might end up being branded as an Ojisan.

But then it seems you have a lot of experiences there in a good sense too.

Fortune favors the bold, so be brave.
Good luck!!

Samraiwise said:

do you know Bobby Ologun? His 'playing innocent' and clever(?)lines with Japanese rhyme(?) always makes my wife and my teenage daughter explode with laughter.

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Hi Samraiwise, welcome to JREF! And thanks for your reply, this was the sort of thing I was after. Yes, I do know Bobby Ologun. I like his puns and intentional mix-ups, but he does seem to play on stereotypes of foreigners, and black people in particular.

Actually, another story I tell to my Japanese friends is a sort of pun. I play in a band, so during one of my Japanese lessons my teacher asked me if many people came to see my last gig (live show.) I replied, 'Yes, the place was full of girls.' Trouble is, I said onna no ko oppai (girl's breasts.) I went bright red and quickly corrected that to onna no ko ippai but by then my teacher was already in hysterics. I smiled and said oppai-ippai-shippai and my teacher almost collapsed.

I know what you mean about puns being uncool in Japan though. I tried to translate and very funny English pun joke for a group of my friends. They remained stony-faced and told me that was ojisan humour. But then, I'm 42 after all!

I smiled and said oppai-ippai-shippai and my teacher almost collapsed.

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I...I...can't breathe....*falling off the chair*
Are you sure you are not a Japanese? j/k
You are hilarious!! If I told this to my wife she would kill me. I want to be bold but not that bold.
Thanks for a good laugh.

jokes, puns etc etc

How many Japanese sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?


Ichi-ni, ichi-ni...Ichi, ichi, ichi-ni,


My wife thinks that I love her, because every time she gets into bed, I roll towards her.

what did the cat say when he hi-jacked the airplane?
Take me to the Canaries, (Canary Islands, off Spain,N. Africa)

Woman goes to the doctor.
Doctor, Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a dog all the time.
doctor says.'that's okay, ask him to get up on the couch and I'll examine him.
Woman. 'Oh no, he's not allowed on the couch'.

Arthritis
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

There were 10 men and 1 woman clinging onto a single rope dangling from a helicopter. They were being rescued from an accident, and the helicopter was flying quite high.
Unfortunately the rope was strong enough only for 10 people, but not 11.

Seeing this, each man started to make a speech to tell others how important he was; he was such an indispensable person, it is utterly impossible for him to die even he was willing to do so for others as a gentleman because that would change the world, he could not behave selfishly, etc. etc.

When all the 10 men finished their speech, the woman spoke up. She started; "I'm just an ordinary woman. I'm nothing compared with you gentlemen who are supporting the world and keep it going. Being such a small thing, I'm very happy to sacrifice my life, to save the world..."

It was such a selfless, sweet speech, the men were very touched and their hearts were truly moved. And being gentlmen, all of them just could not help... and clapped their hands in praise for the woman.

Those jokes are all amazing, but would they translate well into Japanese?



I just found this on Jref.... actually.... on google.... but it linked to Jref.

Not sure about the jokes on that link though. The first two seem to be offensive to me, the third is just silly and the last one is very funny.

When I was young we were very poor. We didn't live in a slum, but as soon as we could afford it, we moved into one.

My father was big into DIY, I remember one time, he knocked two rooms into one. We didn't live in the biggest room in the neighbourhood, but it was certainly the tallest!

We were SO poor that if you didn't wake up on Christmas Day with an erection, you'd nothing to play with.

My father was a diesel fitter in a lingerie factory. He'd stand at the end of the line, hold up the knickers and declare 'these'll fit her'.

My brother's a psychopath, that's right, he does crazy paving.

My other brother's a magician. He can't pull rabbits out of a hat, but he can pull hares out of his @rse!

Man goes to the doctor's and says, 'doctor, doctor, I have the runs, can you give me anything for it?'
Doctor says 'yeah, here's a packet of Bisto, it'll thicken it up for you'

Other man goes to the doc's complaining of foul smelling farts. Gives the doctor an example by letting one rip. 'My God' says the doctor and reaches for a big long stick with a hook on the end of it. Man asks,' are you going to stick that up me bum?' 'No,' says doc, 'I'm going to open the window.'

Who's the patron saint of weight watchers?
St. Gabriel, he came down to announce.

Who's the patron saint of campers?
Pius X.

Who's the patron saint of sewage workers?
Richard III.

Samraiwise said:

I...I...can't breathe....*falling off the chair*
Are you sure you are not a Japanese? j/k
You are hilarious!! If I told this to my wife she would kill me. I want to be bold but not that bold.
Thanks for a good laugh.

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Hi Samraiwise, thanks...! Actually I usually refrain from telling both the ippai story and the chick pea story unless I'm reasonably confident that the people who are listening won't be offended, or think I'm a complete idiot

So it would be nice to learn some completely safe jokes if Japanese.

Thanks Tampopo, but I'm not sure if I can translate any of these into Japanese and keep my friends!

tampopo said:

Who's the patron saint of sewage workers?
Richard III.

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Mmm, perhaps this joke only works when the speaker has an Irish accent?

Hi tampopo-san,
To many Japanese people except for ones who have actually suffered it oneselves, arthritis 関節炎 is not a familiar word. Maybe using instead rheumatism リウマチ or nerve pain 神経痛 would do help them accept the story. I was grinning after reading your Pope joke, maybe it's because I am not a christian like many fellow Japanese here, so this joke could no way leave me with any hard feelings what so ever.

Kon-nichi-wa こんにちは、undrentide-san,
personally I like the story about dangling ten men and a woman but its ending is too predictable for avarage Japanese to laugh. For what it's worth, elder people and small children will love the story and so (they love) you too, who have provided them with the innocent black joke.

Taiko666-san,
I no longer need to worry about you and your joke, 'cause your ability to read the atomosphere of Japanese people are superb. Hopefully, someday you could share more of your funny experiences with us.

I know an ancient Roman joke.

"A young man gets his slave pregnant. So he goes to his father. 'Father,' he says, 'I've slept with my slave, and now she's pregnant, what should I do?'

"His father thinks for a minute. 'Well,' he says, 'you could free her and her child and marry her, but you'd have to divorce your wife. Or you could ignore the child, but you'd always know that it was yours, and it would cause trouble with other slaves in the household.'

"His father thinks some more and then says, 'Well, I think you should drown the child when it is born, then sell the slave.'

"The young man looks at his father in horror. 'I can't do that!' he cries.

"'Why not?' his father asks.

"'Because next you'll be telling me to drown YOUR kids!'"

Taiko666, thanks for your reply.
I don't speak a word of Japanese, so that hampers me in telling Japanese people jokes. I'll have to think why it would be a problem to keep your friends after those jokes. Also, yeah, maybe having an Irish accent would help with that one lol.!!!!

In response to Kirie Maiden, I think the jokes translate, acknowledging I don't speak Japanese...If you break down the jokes, they DO work.
There is a famous Japanese cartoonist that I have seen. Thinking off the top of my head, is it Sazae-san? A young girl's exploits of growing up? From about the 50's or so? The kind of 'jokes' or episodes portrayed are universally humourous. I get them, though they are intrinsically Japanese e.g. paper screen doors etc. I cut and pasted the Pope joke from another forum I belong to, the rest are from my head told and told again and again over the years, in the pub usually, but not so much now, cough cough!

Samuraiwise, thanks for your comment. Please feel free to copy and alter and change the joke to suit your audience.It's not my joke anyway!!!

I used to tell so many racist jokes, out and out racist. I don't anymore afaik, and now they are pretty much 99% a play on words, which sometimes don't translate, despite what I've said to Kirie Maiden.
A lot of the time now, married a few years, with the wife heard all my jokes, I mean ALL my jokes, most are now ad libbed.
Often she'll utter "Stupid" at me as if I'd done something wrong. In the beginning, I'd say "Wha'?" and she'd repeat... "Stupid". So I got to the stage where I'd interchange "What are you?" and she'd still reply "Stupid" and I'd go, "I thought so" really quickly and laugh like a hyena! Or she'll say,"Stupid" and I'll say..."Well, you married me, what does that make you?" and now we get a laugh out of that too!!!

Okay, one of my two original jokes, works especially well with children. ONLY with children.
Blah blah blah..."what's the magic word?" and the child answers "Please" and I say "No, the magic word is


Abracadabra"! Which it is! Try it, and let me know how you get on, or even if it works or not, in Japan!

One of the best nights I ever had was with a group of Japanese English language students while living in San Francisco. I was living and working in an apart-hotel type building, working on the front desk. And two groups of separate Japanese were feeding me and this Pakistani boy more and more vulgar sayings and phrases. We were repeating them phonetically and you should have seen the opposing group of Japanese, practically wetting themselves with shock, horror and pure unadulterated hysterical laughter! Ah, it was classic. Two I remember now is...ommae no onna wa sumo san. and Kusso tare kakka tekkoi.

I don't understand the chick pea story in the original post. If anyone wants to PM me and explain it there, that'd be cool.

till next time folks.here's a few oneliners.

what do you call a Kerrywoman between two goal posts?
Annette
What do you call a Kerrywoman with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a Kerrywoman with no legs?
Noeleen.
What do you call a man with no arms and legs on the branch of a tree?
Bud.
In a swimming pool?
Bob.
Under a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a kerryman with a car on his head?
Jack.
With a Seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a Welshman with a biscuit on his head?
Dai-gestive.
How do you confuse a Kerryman?
Put three shovels against the wall and ask him to take his pick.
Where did Lech Walesa meet his wife?
At a Gdansk.
Did you hear about the three Kerrymen who went to the fancy dress party as Alias Smith and Jones. (TV show from the 70's)

Great jokes... here's another one my lit. teacher just told us. Some crude humor:

Santa Claus goes to Africa to deliver presents to all the children, so he asks them if they behaved well to which the children respond yes, and them he asks them whether they ate well throughout the year to which they respond no, so he just tells them there are no presents for them and leaves.

Mauricio

Not really a joke, but rather a humourous story. I went home one summer an found that the sponsor of my nephew's baseball team was called "sanshin" (Japanese for "strikeout"). All my Japanese friends thought that was pretty funny.

Hey Abe-toge,I lived at Bloor and Dundas one time in Toronto...

What does that company, shanshin, produce?

Here's a Canadian joke for you...
Why do Canadian couples like the canine position during secks?


So they can both watch the hockey game on tv.

Why did the kerryman wear two condoms?
To be sure, to be sure.

Why did the irish golfer wear two trousers?
In case he got a hole in one.

What's the difference between a wife and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

japanese man had $5,000 to spend on a new partner, to help chose a new girlfriend. So he gave each of three girls a choice of what to spend the $5,000 on. The first girl went away and spent it on make up. The second girl bought him a gift, a nice gesture. The third girl invested the money and in a short time gave him a multiple of the initial investment.
And which girl did the man chose?

the one with the biggest boobs.

To save time, here are many oneliners.

One-Liner Jokes

japanese man had $5,000 to spend on a new partner...

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I love this one. It's really funny.

Nakata and Bolton W.

Kirie,
I told my wife I was posting jokes on here and that's the one she remembered. Noticed where you were, before, just wondered did you see Nakata when he was playing in England? And late yesterday evening on ITV on Champions League Weekly he was featured on it quite a bit, speaking in English. I'd never heard him speak before.Interesting.THe whole programme concentrated on Asia, specifically Japan, Korea and China. Check your local listings, it may be repeated later in the week.

Thanks a lot for letting me know. It sounds interesting, I am going to check for that being repeated.