inferiority complex..

[MajideSaiaku]

Okay, bit rantish but here goes...

My girlfriend has a habit of starting quarrels based on the false observation that western girls are so much sexier, she doesnt deserve me, and how can she compete with sexy western girls, because apparently they must be soooo bloody superior to cause this kinda stress...

she's japanese and no matter how much i try and tell her i lvoe her, and i couldnt give a rats *** about all the sexy westerners in the world, she doesnt seem to grasp the fact I LOVE HER.

and it shreds me up every-time we have an argument over it.


so yeah, why do japanese girls feel so bloody inferior to western women who are just human like them?

i love my girlfriend so much, and, maybe thats why these stupid arguments really get at me and, i just wish she could understand that simple universal, un-assailable fact that i love her...i feel like a part of me dies every-time we have a "break-up" fight over how inferior she feels...

so, the discussion: Do japanese girls have a inferiority complex to westerner's?.....why?.....what social and cultural phenomena drive japanese girls to trip out, and have no ability to trust sincere love from a boyfriend, especially of gaijin persuasion?....why do they think western girls are soooo bloody better?....what is it western women have done to prove to the japanese woman that she doesnt deserve the same things?....why is it japanese woman seem to base their mans wants and needs on looks?...why cant they grasp the notion of love, and not simply lust for attractive but probably personality deficiant fake western bimbo's?.

fire away...

 

[Kinsao]

Awww, Nurizeko... you have my sympathy (for what it's worth). It's difficult. I don't know why should Japanese women feel inferior? :? I'm a European woman and I'm the person feeling paranoid that Japanese women are more attractive than me Not much help, I know... maybe it's a personal thing rather than a nationality thing though? :?

Really glad you love her so much though Hopefully as your relationship lasts longer she will become feeling more secure...? I hope so...

 

[lexico]

I think I can see what challenge you are up to, and admire your fortitude with which your transformed a personal experience into a general cultural question to share and to discuss. I think it can be handled either way, either personal or general, so please take my words just as a side note.

When your g/f tells you about her concerns, I don't doubt you are faced with a challenge to persuade and to prove your loyalty to her in the best possible manner, but I also understand that it can become a cause for distress on your part. I recall when my frineds would tell me to rise above the situation and to approach a difficult situation in a different light, I could not see what that might have been. But sometimes the answer, or an answer, lies not between the obvious options presented before you, but lies outside what's being said in the question.

Two things spring to mind as to how I might have dealt with it were I you.
1) Not to respond directly to her worries,
2) but to arrange an extraordinary "surprise event" to make her feel special.

Maybe after the initial freshness of the relationship is replaced by familiarity, she might be wondering whether she/you are really in love, or just in a "settled" realationship that might be wearing off with time. These kind of things cannot be resolved by mere talk, esp. in an immediate response to what she would say at the moment. Not saying that a response is useless, but that the reassurance she is seeking is something that transcends talk. Find creative ways to surprise her, but the kind of ones that work for you, too.

As for the cultural implications, I am not qualified to comment, so carry on, fellow forumers with your insights !

 

[Duo]

I think that it may be women in general who feel that way. Or perhaps that's just her type of personality. I've come across a few girls who would react similarly to compliments or things like that. The world women is one where you are very self-concious, always a bit in competition with the rest, indirectly or not. T'would be a shame if you break up with her because of fights over her being inferior. Sometimes i think women need reassurance all the time. So even though you keep telling her maybe she dismisses it as you just trying to make her feel better, so next time you should just say like yeah she's cute, but not as cute as you baby, then kiss and just let it go and move on instead of getting caught up in some argument you can't win until she comes to terms with her self-conciousness.

But i mean if you try to make western women look bad as deficant fake bimbos then that won't work because of a number of reasons. First she won't beleive you, you will seem as you are lying just to make her feel better, and second cuz well that's not really true now is it

I mean western girls in my view are quite the sexy and well very attractive, so you saying that will hinder your case instead of helping you

 

[kirei_na_me]

why cant they grasp the notion of love, and not simply lust for attractive but probably personality deficiant fake western bimbo's?.

fire away...

I was reading your post with genuine concern until I came to this line.

Yeah, we're all like that...

Why do so many people here assume Western women are all bimbos?

Oh well, I'll throw any negative feelings I have about that to the side for now...

Anyway, I'm like Kinsao. I used to feel pretty inferior to Japanese women, because after hanging around a crowd like the one here, you begin to think they're the only ones who can do no wrong.

The Japanese have been fed images of Westerners for years. I think they see Westerners as ideal because how they're portrayed by the media. It's the same here, in the US, with the media putting so much emphasis on looking like people such as Paris Hilton.

I don't know what to do about it. Hopefully, self esteem will come with time, as she sees you're not interested in anyone else. Are you living far apart now? That doesn't help either, if you are.

 

[Duo]

I'm a European woman and I'm the person feeling paranoid that Japanese women are more attractive than me

I think that's an unjustified paranoia, no need to feel that way, trust me

Not much help, I know... maybe it's a personal thing rather than a nationality thing though? :?

That's what I thought at first, women really need to realize how great they actually really are ☝

 

[Tsuyoiko]

Sometimes i think women need reassurance all the time.

Not all women are this way. And some men are this way. Everyone is different.

 

[lexico]

What great insight into the female psyche, Duo ! I really like your ideas as reflecting a truly firm grasp on our female folks with whom we must share the lonely planet within a 30 light-yr radius.

I think that it may be women in general who feel that way. Or perhaps that's just her type of personality. I've come across a few girls who would react similarly to compliments or things like that. The world women is one where you are very self-concious, always a bit in competition with the rest, indirectly or not. T'would be a shame if you break up with her because of fights over her being inferior. Sometimes i think women need reassurance all the time. So even though you keep telling her maybe she dismisses it as you just trying to make her feel better, so next time you should just say like yeah she's cute, but not as cute as you baby, then kiss and just let it go and move on instead of getting caught up in some argument you can't win until she comes to terms with her self-conciousness.

So true ! It becomes a challenge within you to establish your position in the mind space; this seems to transcend both her complaints but your way of viewing people in general. It may sound tricky but the advice makes a lot of sense in that it deals with the source of the matter rather than just a remedy of the symptom that might require endless administering.

I mean western girls in my view are quite the sexy and well very attractive, so you saying that will hinder your case instead of helping you

I had pondered on that in my early years; what fascinated me was that women of different origin would appear beautiful with a quick toggling of the mind. I tried the mental switching many times, and every single time it worked ! Nevertheless I cannot explain why this would be the case; and my understanding of this interesting mind swap remains unexplained since.

 

[Kinsao]

I think that's an unjustified paranoia, no need to feel that way, trust me

Why do I have a strong feeling that Duo has never looked at my profile photo?

(incidentally, chosen for the reason that no-one would ever really recognise me from it!)

*ahem* off topic? Me? Never.......

 

[Pachipro]

she's japanese and no matter how much i try and tell her i lvoe her, and i couldnt give a rats *** about all the sexy westerners in the world, she doesnt seem to grasp the fact I LOVE HER.

and it shreds me up every-time we have an argument over it.


so yeah, why do japanese girls feel so bloody inferior to western women who are just human like them?

what social and cultural phenomena drive japanese girls to trip out, and have no ability to trust sincere love from a boyfriend, especially of gaijin persuasion?....why do they think western girls are soooo bloody better?....what is it western women have done to prove to the japanese woman that she doesnt deserve the same things?....why is it japanese woman seem to base their mans wants and needs on looks?

Been there, heard that. Had a couple just like her "back in the day." Needless to say, we never stayed together and it drove us apart. I see that things haven't changed much.

Alot of this feeling comes from an inferiority complex generated by TV and movies, books and magazines. Japanese women constantly see western women advertising beauty products and cosmetics on TV and in magazines. Therefore, they come to believe, and are conditioned that "western=beauty". They see how Japanese men drool over blond-haired, blue-eyed women, or any beautiful western woman for that matter, and assume that their "western man" must feel the same. Japanese women are rarely portrayed in their own country for their own beauty. Thus, some tend to become very insecure when they are with western men. I will post a story shortly on one such experience I had with a fairly well-known Japanese model.

To get them to change will be near impossible until they have enough life experiences to understand the manipulation of the media and their own maturity. You haven't mentioned it, but does she live in the same country as you or does she live in Japan? If she lives in Japan, I'll bet she's pretty insecure about the seperation and is thinking that you may be seeing women of "your own kind." I'm just guessing here. If she resides in the same country, she probably has the feeling of, "what does he see in me when western women are far superior in beauty?"

Anyway, I'm like Kinsao. I used to feel pretty inferior to Japanese women, because after hanging around a crowd like the one here, you begin to think they're the only ones who can do no wrong.

The Japanese have been fed images of Westerners for years. I think they see Westerners as ideal because how they're portrayed by the media. It's the same here, in the US, with the media putting so much emphasis on looking like people such as Paris Hilton.

I don't know what to do about it. Hopefully, self esteem will come with time, as she sees you're not interested in anyone else. Are you living far apart now? That doesn't help either, if you are.

This is a perfect example, and it should also be mentioned that western women HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS when it comes to Asian women. Here in the US, Asian women are portrayed as exotic, submissive beauties. As far as submissive goes, they haven't met my wife! Western men, for the most part, drool over them much the same as Asian men do over western women. Just look at CNN headline news and see how many Asians they have broadcasting the news.

Hell, even American women are going through the same problems as Kirei na me mentioned. Beauty here is Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson and most young girls want to look like them as they feel that that is the type of women their man is attracted to. For the most part they are right as most "young, immature" men are attracted to that type because of MTV and the stupid reality shows. And the women feed into it by trying to look like them. To me, after listening to them being interviewed, they are so not my type. KNM might be the exception. ;-)

So it goes both ways, and your girlfriend must mature enough to put these sterotypes and generalizations aside and understand the international language of love as love reigns regardless of race or culture. It MAY come in time. If she fails to do so, to be blunt here, she will not change and the arguments will continue. I really feel for you as I know EXACTLY what you are going through as I have been through it twice way back when.

 

[MajideSaiaku]

Cheers for the feedback guys, much appriciated, things suck a little less when you know others have experienced the same things. ' _ '

 

[Grandpa Frank]

Add Me To The List !

My Japanese girlfriend would NOT accept that I loved her. I went nuts trying to treat her special and show my love in many ways. She just would not believe I really loved her. She spoke no English and my Japanese wasn't good enough to delve into what was going on in her head. I finally got my best Japanese friend Shin to act as an interperter to hash things out. She felt I treated her way to good to really love her???? He told me I HAD to start treating her like I could care less about her and to really BOSS her around ? Not my style, but I trusted him and started treating her crappy. Soon after that we became engaged and she seemed to finally fall deeply in love with me? Sometimes the culture difference can be a real pain.

Frank

 

[kirei_na_me]

Well, when you treat them really, really good and you shower them with affection and say "I love you" all the time, they seem to think it's fake. How many times have I heard, "only playboy says 'I love you' all the time".

 

[lexico]

I see what you mean, Kirei.
But, just in case, what if the guy (Frank for example) really means it when he says that ?
Is he being immature, and showing lack of understanding :?
Seriously should they teach in kindergarten that it's bad to say I love you too often :?

 

[MajideSaiaku]

There's nothing wrong with being a nice guy to your girlfriend and saying "i love you", japanese just seem to have this system where affection means the opposite? :S dunno.

 

[kirei_na_me]

Well, nurizeko, I like for someone to tell me that regularly if they mean it. I like to hear it.

Take my word for it, they are complicated. Too complicated for me.

I like simplicity. If you love me, tell me. Don't play games. Besides, I can tell if someone is sincere or not.

 

[Duo]

hey, that sounds like the attitude i like in girls, keep it simple and real.......

 

[Brooker]

she's japanese and no matter how much i try and tell her i lvoe her, and i couldnt give a rats *** about all the sexy westerners in the world, she doesnt seem to grasp the fact I LOVE HER...

That's a problem. I once had to break up with a girl I cared deeply for because she couldn't accept the fact that I loved her because of her own insecurities. It became a huge problem and all our disputes revolved around it. Eventually I began to resent her for it. It's like giving someone a gift you've put a lot of time and effort into and having someone not take it.

 

[misa.j]

Japanese women constantly see western women advertising beauty products and cosmetics on TV and in magazines. Therefore, they come to believe, and are conditioned that "western=beauty".

That is so true. I still think a lot of the Western people, women and men, have more defined appearance and nice to look at. But it's just how they look though.

i love my girlfriend so much, and, maybe thats why these stupid arguments really get at me and, i just wish she could understand that simple universal, un-assailable fact that i love her...i feel like a part of me dies every-time we have a "break-up" fight over how inferior she feels...

I hear your pain, I hope you won't have to go through any more of the "break-up" fights at all. It sucks.
I know it is hard to convince her that she is the number one when she feels less attractive than other women who look totally different from her.
I think she just needs to gain her confidence about herself and start looking at the value of being and looking different from another person.

It's funny how I never went through this feeling, in fact, my husband often makes cheesy jokes on good-looking women just to tease me, and I find myself nodding my head and making the same comments as his, and I just giggle at him.

 

[Brooker]

For me, Asian women have a strong advantage when it comes to being attractive, but that's just my taste. When it comes to beauty, on a scale of one to ten, if a girl is Asian, she gets like two or three extra points. That may be bad, but I'm just being honest about how it works for me. I have no control over it, that's just how it is.

 

[Ma Cherie]

I don't know if this has anything to with Japanese women being taught to have low self esteem. The media always has a negative effect on how people should feel about themselves. As an African American I feel that's it's unfair that people like Halle Barry and Tyra Banks set this standard of beauty. I mean, goodness these are two of the most beautiful women of color in America, how can anyone live up to that standard beauty? Lot's of women have to deal with these kinds of issues. But you know, that's when you have to look inside yourself and say, "I'm beautiful in my own unique way." nurizeko, if I were you I would just tell her that she needs to comparing herself to western women because she's only hurting herself.


that's all from me.

 

[Duo]

that damm mediaaa, always causin problems

actually this is a serious problem, i had to write an essay abought it in my english class, and i wrote about images of men and woman in music videos and my point was that tv is all fake stuff and is damaging relations between men and women, i guess i was right

for those who don't beleive me ill even send u my essay

 

[kirei_na_me]

"So I'm looking at rock videos
Knock-kneed bimbos walking like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo-Jo"

I couldn't help it.

 

[Duo]

hey i want this flo - jo
sounds like a better, less sluty version of jlo, hoahaohoa

 

[Pachipro]

I don't know why I didn't see this before, but I'll comment anyway.

Well, when you treat them really, really good and you shower them with affection and say "I love you" all the time, they seem to think it's fake. How many times have I heard, "only playboy says 'I love you' all the time".

I have heard this numerous times over the years, said mostly by Japanese men. It seems to be their excuse for not expressing their true feelings in a relationship. Japanese men are taught (by other men and the culture) that it is a sign of weakness to say, "I love you," to their spouse, ESPECIALLY after getting married.

Now if you seriously packed your bags and threatened to leave, I will almost bet the house that he will admit how much he loves you and say it numerous times. Although I feel it shouldn't have to come to that.

It always amazes me that in relationships and marriages between Japanese men especially, and western women, neither party, for the most part fully understands the cultural thinking behind why a spouse is acting a particular way.

i love my girlfriend so much, and, maybe thats why these stupid arguments really get at me and, i just wish she could understand that simple universal, un-assailable fact that i love her...i feel like a part of me dies every-time we have a "break-up" fight over how inferior she feels...

The same holds true in alot of cases between Japanese women and western men. Japanese women, for the most part, as I said above, are very insecure when seperated from their husbands as they feel they "do not measure up" to western women and that their husbands will be more attracted to women of their own kind.

The two western women I have known in my life that were married to Japanese men are now divorced along with three of my male friends married to Japanese women. The main reasons seem to be a lack of cultural understanding and communication between the sexes.

Take the time to talk things out with your Japanese spouse/partner and things may get better. Drastic measures may have to be taken, but if both truely love one another a split may hopefully be avoided. After all, who wants to go through life wondering if they are loved by their spouse/partner? Or why doesn't their spouse/partner believe that they are truely loved? It takes work and communication and it is well worth it as I have been there, and experienced that.