I'm a lyrical genius

[Tomii515]

But not really.

Recently, I started listening to some old Japanese music I used to listen to years ago, and I decided to translate one or two of the songs. Whiel translating, i learned some new grammar, a lot of new vocabulary, etc. And I realized, the more I sung the song, I just automatically memorized the vocabulary I translated from it.

Anyway, since that was kind of interesting/fun for me, I thought, "Why not try and make your own song?" and so the project has began.

The lyrics fit perfectly with the melody... but the only things that sucks is I'm not 100% sure if the lyrics make perfect sense (but in some cases, lyrics in songs don't need to right? )
But if it's total gibberish, I want to fix it and learn from my mistakes.

I'll write the Japanese lyrics, and then provide the English lyrics in case the meaning isn't clear because I screwed it up too much.

---

何度道に迷ってもくれた地図でうちを
見つけることできるでしょと言われたのは
その地図が君へ続くドアへ続くことに気づかせ、
それなら俺んちは君のいる場所
(Being told that I can find my home from the map that you gave me no matter how many times I've lost my way made me realize that that map leads to the door that leads to you, and if thats so, then my home is where you are)


俺がいなくなるのにくれた光を
まだ持っていることに気が付いてくれたらと思う
その光なんて輝くと君考えていつだってそう
君見つけるために単にこの道に歩いてるのじゃないんだ けど
(I wish you would notice that I still have the light you gave me even though I'm gone.
when that light shines, i think of you and its always like that.
but im not merely/only walking this road/path to find you)

一滴目の雨が降ってくまで
一人のうちに青空じろじろ見ておいて
涼しい降水量が気持ちいいから
土砂降りのときには動いておかないんだ
(I'll stare at the blue sky while im still alone until the first drop of rain falls, and i wont move when its pouring rain because the cool rainfall feels good)

俺がいなくなるのにくれた光を
まだ持っていることに気が付いてくれたらと思う
その光なんて輝くと君考えていつだってそう
君見つけるために単にこの道に歩いてるのじゃないんだ けど
(I wish you would notice that I still have the light you gave me even though I'm gone.
when that light shines, i think of you and its always like that.
but im not merely/only walking this road/path to find you)

----

That is everything... at least everything so far. I'll probably end up tweaking some things... but anyways, if any of it doesn't make sense or is oddly phrased, can someone please explain why & give a better solution perhaps? Thanks!

よろしくお願いします！

 

[srintuar]

Are you asking if the japanese is oddly phrased or if the english is oddly phrased?

Also, can you link to the songs or at least hint what the name of the song and the band that made it are called? Songs typically have some license to stray from the usual rules of grammar in any language.

hehe. best if you can link to them, perhaps on youtube or somthing like it

 

[Tomii515]

Erm, I wrote this song... I just want to make sure the Japanese relatively makes sense and stuff.

BTW, random, but do you live in Centreville, VA? Because that's where I live... LOL

 

[srintuar]

Oh, that makes us almost neighbors!
自己紹介でもしようか？



Anyway,I'm no native speaker、but i can tell you my observations on the Japanese text.

見つけることできるでしょと言われたのは

I think I would use plain form speech for non-sentence ending verbs...usually. It seems strange to have a desu in the middle

何度道に迷ってもくれた地図でうちを

I'd put a 君が in front of the くれた here, because it sounds more romantical.

その地図が君へ続くドアへ続くことに気づかせ、

I think there may be an extra "続く".. its hard for me to understand it this way.
Perhaps because the subject has to pull double duty.

その地図が君へ続くドアに気づかせ、

That may made me aware of the door that leads to you

or

その地図が君へ続くドアへ続くと気づいて、

I know what you are trying to express, but both in English and in J
this phrase is very long; it gets complicated enough that I lose
the thread.

If the areas around conjunctions are nice, bendy, and common contructions,
then the run on nature of the phrase is ok license.

if it were me i'd just break it up into small thoughts, something like this:
それは、俺の、道を照らす地図だから、
君のいる場所に続く、ドアのかなたに
会えたら、そこは俺の居場所となる

(that said, I'll be the first to admit that I'm no poet)

一滴目の雨が降ってくまで

is that supposed to be 降ってくるまで maybe?

 

[Elizabeth]

こんな解りにくい歌詞は忘れて、もっとまともな日本語を読むことをお勧めします。

 

[Tomii515]

こんな解りにくい歌詞は忘れて、もっとまともな日本語 を読むことをお勧めします。

あのう、私がお書きした歌詞をお忘れしてしまって日本 語で歌詞をお書きしてみるのはおやめするのをお勧めに なるんでしょうか。