Flight Attendants

[Satori]

Found this at another forum ...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

And the following are stories some of the forum members had to share:

My sister was a flight attendant with Frontier Airlines for many years. When flying into the Durango, Colorado airport, you basically flew around and between peaks to get to the airport. One night, over the loudspeaker came the pilot's voice singing: "She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes, She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes...."

Another time, she was flying from Denver to Phoenix in heavy turbulence. It was a dinner flight and it took quite awhile until the pilot was able to get above the turbulence and turn off the seat belt sign and the attendants could begin serving. One mother let her five year old start running up and down the aisle while the attendants and the drink cart were in the aisles. Twice my sister took the young boy by the hand, walked him back to his seat, and nicely asked mommy to keep her son belted in because of the dangers of running and not being buckled up. Mommy didn't want to be bothered and let the kid start running again. My sister took him by the hand one last time, walked him up to his seat, made him sit down, put his seatbelt on, and then looked at mommy and said (with a smile), "If you don't keep your son in this seat while we're trying to serve dinner, I'm going to open the door and let him go outside and play." Boy sat in his seat but my sister got a nasty letter in her file.

Flying into Saudi Arabia, a voice came over the speaker, "For local time, please dial your watch back 300 years."

I was working a flight one time and we had a lady who was so obnoxious we had to take turns serving her. No one could take too much of her lest we say something that should get us fired. Well, she was travelling with her snotty children who were running up and down the aisles, and she was engrossed in the guy next her. One of the flight attendants (a very catty gay man) walked down the aisle past her and she held her infant out and said, "Change my baby." He took the baby (a white child) to the back galley and gave it to a flight attendant to hold. He then asked another passenger if we could play with her baby (a black child) in the galley. He took the black baby to the obnoxious woman, handed him over and said, "I changed your baby."

You know there is a theory that the metal detectors actually kill brain cells. After flying for 15 years I am starting to believe it.

I remember one filght I was on going from Columbus, Ohio to LAX by way of Pittsburgh. Well, we were flying over the country and the pilot was pointing out various ''spots'' along the way...

We were crossing over the ''Grand Canyon'' when he piped out ... "On your left if the clouds weren't there you could see the Grand Canyon, and those of you on the right, if you look to the left you can see the people looking out of their windows, trying to look through the clouds ... btw we are now past the grand canyon and for those on you on the left, if you look to the right, you can see those on the right smirking..."

One time on a med a vac plane (military one not civilian), the pilot (who if I didnt know better had to have been my brother), welcomed us to flight wheeze and puke ... and proceeded to explain where puking was allowed on the plane ... he did note that the flight nurse's lap was not an option ...
and that even though normally the flight from McGuire AFB to Andrews if flying a civilian plane should only take about 45 minutes, our flight was taking the scenic route and would take 6 hrs. Every time we headed back to a state we had already landed in, he said something like, ''For those of you who missed it the first time, we are now back in _______. Not much has changed in the hour since we were here last. The weather still sucks. Hold on tight, we are going in again."

Ah, I will never forget the Southwest Airlines flight I took. The Steward was making the standard announcements at the beginning of the flight ... "And folks, there *is* a smoking section on this plane, it is out on the wings ... where the in-flight movie will be, Gone With the Wind."

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Does anyone here have some stories they'd like to share?

 

[Apollo]

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

This happened to me once, when I was in an almost empty aircraft in a big Boeing flying from Copenhagen to Manchester, UK, we were maybe 20-25 people, and when we took off, I could hear my handluggage in the overhead compartment rush to the bottom! Luckily, nothing was broken...