Let me give it a go:
1. Vertical strokes for the "
kusa" part are
too slanted.
2. Third stroke of the "
kusa" part is way too right-angled. The brush is laid on the paper so that the brush hairs are laying horizontally, but there oughtn't to be an actual sideways line.
3. The bottom line of the middle part of 夢 looks unusual, like you stopped midway and then started again. Or, maybe it just gives this impression because the vertical strokes above it poke down into the area where the horizontal stroke should be.
4. The 夢 part is floating in the air. The bottom part of the 夕 should be aligned with the bottom part of the
ninben. Or, it can be even more pronounced than the
ninben, but never smaller or floating higher than the bottom of the
ninben.
As it is, the whole thing is dominated by the
ninben, so it is lacking in balance.
Majestic (a non-calligrapher, whose kanji artistry is appalling).